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EVERYONE deserves love, and everyone deserves the battery-powered plastic love aids that come with it. But spending £100 only to discover you don’t like it up you? Painful.

Buckingham Palace should be knocked down and turned into a visitor’s centre for the nearby Victoria Station. The tourists are clamouring for it.

WAKING with a hangover so pounding I have been receiving requests from drum and bass artists to sample it, I hear my chief clerk knocking on the door of my chambers excitedly.

THE release of the new Netflix series about my band Take That - the one I'm boss and most talented member of - means it's time for a celebratory slap-up meal. And that means offal.

STANDING eerie against a Highlands backdrop, the goings-on in a Scottish castle and specifically who is loyal and who a traitor have all of Britain transfixed.

Give a man a fish. Congratulations! You have made one pescatarian.

WAKING with a hangover so intense I make a mental note to compose a sermon titled ‘The Sin Of Sluggishness: Scientists’ Failure To Make Any Advance In Head Transplant Surgery’, and reflect upon another momentous week.

DA other day Lady G hasked if we woz doin’ anyfink special hafter school. Active J sed: ‘Man will bust some righteous rap an’ do da laces in him’s 95s in a peng different way, innit.’ 

A NEW year, a new chapter of epic lore waiting to be written. I can’t wait to see which ragebait will trigger me and which AI slop will trick me in the months ahead.

“No, it’s Betty Boop that’s out of copyright. This full-length animated feature about the adventures of Betty Boo you’ve created must remain unseen until 2094.”