Premium

Birkin bag? No, this is a Parkin bag. For keeping parkin in.

WAKING up in a bathtub full of empty vodka bottles, breaking wind wetly and relieving a mysterious thirst I have acquired by wrapping my mouth around the cold tap, I reflect on yesterday’s ecclesiastical events. 

NOTHING'S sacred anymore in this once-great country of ours. They let birds play darts these days, for f**k’s sake.

A MAN believes the phrase ‘period costume’ refers to the cosy lounge-wear worn by his girlfriend, it has emerged.

A GOURMET burger chain is expecting customers to be able to detach their jaw from the rest of their skull in order to eat their food, it has emerged.

THE final monarch of the Tudor dynasty, Queen Elizabeth I of England was known for her intelligence, diplomacy, and virginity. But the last was not entirely by choice.

Given the phrase ‘colder than a witch’s tit’ it’s odd witchfinders didn’t use that to identify their quarry. Perk of the job etcetera.

WAKING up in a puddle of very stale vomit, possibly mine, possibly Gloria Hunniford’s, I look back fondly on a several-month-long alcoholic ‘binge’.

WAGWAN? Active J been cold. Man woz sayin’ nuffink to no bruv, hespecially da XL dickhead, Drilla! An’ man’s gyal, Lady G.

SEX life not up to scratch? Wondering which one of you is to blame? Take our quiz and find out.