Get some concealer on that red nose

Dear Holly,

Even though Christmas is nearly here, I am thoroughly miserable: all my colleagues laugh at me and call me names due to my unfortunate appearance. They are so cruel, and I feel so isolated when they refuse to let me join in stuff. Can you help?



Dear Rudolph,

You probably think you’re a victim of jealousy, like Nicole Scherzinger or Nadine from Girls Aloud. Your mum probably told you a load of empowering stuff like how you should be proud of your bulbous head or your protruding teeth or your Asda trainers. Well, here’s some news – the others laugh at you because you look like a bell-end and the sooner you get some concealer on that red nose of yours, the less likely you are to lose your PE kit in a tree and have someone graffiti the words ‘fanny-balls’ on your rubbish lunch box.

Hope that helps!




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The Mash Guide to Organising a Traditional Eastenders Christmas

MILLIONS of Britons will be watching the Christmas edition of Eastenders, but how to arrange your own Albert Square-style festivities?

Follow these tips for a family Christmas packed with compelling pseudo-Cockney incident:

Repeatedly exclaim, “This is going to be the best Christmas ever!”

Make sure something goes horribly wrong with Christmas dinner, forcing your family to eat a takeaway or sandwiches, which ironically brings them closer together.

Say “It’s family, innit?” at least 20 times during the course of the day.

Do a murder.

Always buy presents that will lead to a moment of pathos, e.g. an extremely expensive watch for a someone who’s about to dump you.

Inject a an element of humour into your Christmas by rushing round to find a tree at the last-minute.

Make sure at least one of your Christmas guests has a serious mental illness. After they go into psychological meltdown during Christmas dinner, give everyone the number of the SANE hotline.

Get a long-forgotten friend or relative to arrive unexpectedly, ideally one that is evil and refers to ‘a few changes’ in a sinister manner.

Encourage friends and family to do something incredibly devious and malicious, such as pretending to have terminal cancer.

Under NO circumstances spend Christmas day at home. Instead, flit back and forth to the local pub for no apparent reason.

If you have teenagers, make sure they do something embarrassing and culturally unfeasible, like organising a ‘Christmas Dubstep Rave’ for charity.