Lifestyle

People with real fires told to stop dicking around and turn the f**king heating on

PEOPLE who spend hours making a fire have been reminded they could just put the bloody heating on.

Middle class families to open Christmas presents as late as possible

BRITAIN’S middle class families are drawing up plans to wait as long as possible before opening their presents on Christmas Day.

Artisan gin producers really scraping the weirdly-flavoured barrel

ARTISAN gin manufacturers have no idea if there are any palatable flavours left, they have admitted.

Colleague selflessly keeping entire office updated on her sleeping patterns

A WOMAN has diligently kept her colleagues updated on the exact number of minutes of sleep she is getting each night.

Man wearing chinos must not be aware there are other kinds of trousers

A MAN wearing chinos must somehow be unaware of all the other kinds of trousers in the world, it has been claimed.

'What's the worst that can happen?' says owner of boa constrictor

THE owner of an 11ft long killer snake can not foresee any situation where his beloved pet causes him or anyone else any problems.

Magic Mike live show opens portal to hen party hell

THE Magic Mike Live stage show has opened a hen party hellmouth in London.

Man's 'signature dish' is his only dish

A MAN'S 'signature dish' is actually his only dish, it has been confirmed.