Lifestyle

TEENAGERS from comfortable homes are ready to regale their peers with their complex traumas for an unforgettable first night at university.

THE younger generation has warned it will increase its production of ridiculous slang unless its demands are met.

A HOUSEHOLD is holding a ceremony to officially mark the start of months of competitive heating-related feuding.

YOU watched, rapt, as these visions of the future unfolded. Ignorant of the fact your teacher stuck the video on because she was lazy, and none of it would happen.

THE UK’s debts and historically high tax levels could leave households unable to buy whatever they fancy, according to a new report.

KNOCKING over skittles while wearing silly shoes is a uniquely depressing activity reserved for the most tragic occasions. Including these.

THE gifts of the internet are many: email, wide access to troubling pornography and something to do on buses. But these phrases are not to be employed offline.

ETON is charging an extra 20 per cent and the rest of the country’s exclusive twat farms will surely follow, forcing the well-heeled to forgo these basic needs.

A MAN who grudgingly bought a round will stay out and drink more than he wanted to purely to make his money back, he has confirmed.

EVERY man has a bucket list of achievements he dreamed of as a boy before bowing to societal pressure and pretending he meant a threesome. These are his true wants.