Five things you can get out of by blaming the cost-of-living crisis

THE cost-of-living crisis isn’t all bad news, except for the Tories. It’s a cast-iron excuse to get out of these obligations.

Hourglass, pear, spoon or bloke: what's your body shape?

DO you think your body is of averagely human appearance? You’re wrong. These are the bullshit body shapes you need to choose between.

The five worst house guests you've ever had, ranked

HAVING guests over seems like a nice idea but the reality is that people are largely rude, annoying bastards. Here are the worst.

We need a big house because we've got a lifetime of shit, explain grandparents

GRANDPARENTS have explained to their children that they cannot sell up and give them all their money because they own so much crap.

Were you a crap lad of the 1990s? Take our quiz

LAD culture was all the rage in the 90s, but it was harder being a lad than you might expect. Take our quiz and see if you didn’t quite live up to the Loaded ideal.

The twat's guide to letting everyone know you're sick of standing in a queue

WANT to make the queue you’re standing in move faster? Here are five tactics that won’t make a blind bit of difference but will make sure everyone else knows you’re a dickhead.

How to be a f**king annoying passenger on a car journey

NOT content with reclining in the passenger seat while someone else does all the work? Here’s how to be so irritating they drive into a tree.

The five-point guide to deciding if you should have a wank

WAVERING about your commitment to having a hand shandy? Find out if the conditions are opportune with this guide.

Six aspects of your porn viewing you'd rather not talk about

IT’S supposedly normal to watch porn now, but you’d still prefer not to have a good old chat about it with your partner. Here are some issues you’d rather didn’t come up.

Jeans with holes in: products Northern dads can't see the bloody point of

ARE you looking to fritter away your hard-earned cash on pointless, defective goods? Then you no doubt buy these stupid products, writes Northern father Bill McKay.