Sudoku, and four other hobbies that are life-drainingly dull

THANKS to the miracle of television nobody needs hobbies. Yet people still piss away their free time on these dull activities:

What the shit you went out and got framed and put on your wall says about you

YOU have a nice flat with framed stuff on the walls, like in films. But why the f**k did you go and frame that?

Cat living Sheba lifestyle on Whiskas budget

A CAT is trying to live an upmarket, Sheba lifestyle on Whiskas money, it has emerged.

'Put your big coat on’: how to survive the coming winter by a northerner

Rugged Northerners are unfazed by the impending winter energy crisis. No-nonsense Yorkshireman Roy Hobbs explains his survival tactics.

Five wake-up hacks to get your day off to the worst possible start

HATE mornings? Want to extend that feeling to the rest of the day? These tried-and-tested methods will ruin the whole week.

Dolls that piss, and other inexplicably popular childhood toys

KIDS are weird, and the crap they play with is equally f**ked up. Take these five unhinged toys.

Foreign holidays cleared for total f**kers

TOTAL f**king bastards who sat and watched everyone else try to enjoy themselves on British holidays have been cleared to go abroad.

Wally, lemon, plank: 15 truly underrated insults

INSULTING people is too complicated these days, what with irritating epithets such as 'cockwomble'. Here are some old classics:

Why I never take my earbuds out, by a twat

ME? I’m the guy in earbuds. All day every day, from the train to the coffeeshop to the office, through every conversation. Because I’m a dick, that’s why.

The top six ways your dog will f**k up your life

A DOG is man’s best friend and his greatest burden. This is how your pet will ruin you.