Woman buys f**king ugly dog

A WOMAN who has treated herself to a canine companion during lockdown has decided on one that is incredibly f**king ugly.

Warhammer, Doctor Who and Judge Dredd obsessive sees himself as a 'triple threat'

AN expert in three fields of geek subculture thinks of himself as a ‘triple threat’ to both fellow dorks and the hearts of women.

Three big houses in Grimsby, and other things you could buy for the price of a London property

THE average house price in London is now £500,000 and that will only bag you a pokey little flat. Here are some better ways to spend your money.

How to live like a king on your extra £20 of Universal Credit

THE £20-per-week rise in Universal Credit for the pandemic cannot last forever, because we do not deserve it. Here’s how to flash that cash while it lasts.

Couple gets puppy so they will never have sex again

A COUPLE have bought a puppy so they finally have a legitimate excuse for giving up sex completely.

Woman with pink hair disappointed to see other woman with pink hair

A FREE-THINKING woman making a bold statement with hair dye was gutted to see another woman with the same pink tint.

Lonely Planet

Shelf of Lonely Planet books laughing at you

A MAN is wondering whether to throw his Lonely Planet guides away rather than allow them to mock him from the bookshelf.

The house is shrinking, Britons report

BRITONS under lockdown have confirmed that their homes appear to be getting a tiny bit smaller every day.

Woman who says there are 'two sides to every story' always on wrong side

A WOMAN who likes to highlight the blinkered nature of people’s opinions always supports the worst point of view, it has emerged.

Six great ways to piss money away instead of renting

ARE you a former tenant back with mum and dad, wondering what to do with all this extra money you’ve got?

Identifying trees, and five other activities for your middle-class lockdown exercise

WANT strangers in the park to know you’re going home to a house with a chalkboard in the kitchen? Do these key activities during your mandated hour of exercise.

It feels wrong to masturbate at a time like this, but we must

THE UK is in lockdown. A deadly new strain of Covid is loose. Democracy is under attack in the US. But while it seems this is no time to masturbate, we must.