Duck fed on sourdough becoming unbearable

A DUCK that is only eating sourdough bread has turned into a right bellend, it has been confirmed.

'Quick, easy' recipe from Guardian still being prepared eight days later

A COUPLE who tried to make a 'fast, easy mid-week supper recipe' from the Guardian recipe are still cooking it almost eight days later.

Woman still using separate shampoo and conditioner like an arsehole

A WOMAN woman is still using two separate products to clean and condition her hair like some kind of arsehole, it has emerged.

Woman unsure if she's in hipster cafe or millennial office

A WOMAN who walked into a building full of young people working on Macbooks on wooden tables is unsure whether she should buy a coffee or ask for start-up funding.

Visit to independent record shop instantly regretted

A MAN’S attempt to use a proudly independent record shop and cafe near his home was regretted within moments of walking in, he has confirmed.

Woman invited to 'girl's night in' considering faking own death

A WOMAN invited to a night round a friend’s house drinking ‘fizz’ and watching a romcom is looking into faking her own death to dodge it.

Download festival finally brings hell to earth

THE realm of Hades itself has finally been brought to our earthly plane at this weekend’s Download festival, attendees have agreed. 

The six looks from Killing Eve you absolutely cannot carry off

HAVE you watched stylish chameleon assassin Villanelle in Killing Eve and decided you could probably pull off that one outfit, the one with the hat? Think again.

Man thinks speaking English with a French accent is speaking French

A BRITISH man believes that saying English words in a French accent means he is actually speaking French.

The middle class w*nkers' guide to renting a cottage

ARE you and your middle class chums planning to rent a cottage in rural Dorset or similar? Here’s how to be as annoying as possible.

Man who's agreed to 'massive night' hoping something disastrous will happen

A MAN who has agreed to a big night out with mates is praying there will be some sort of disaster so he can be in bed by 10pm.

The pros and cons of getting a facial tattoo

TATTOOS are great and nobody ever regrets them, so why not get one done where everyone can see it? Good idea? Bad idea?