Nobody told man there was £200 penalty-free shoplifting limit

A MAN who has only just learned you can shoplift as much as you like under £200 without penalty wishes someone had told him earlier.

Candle shops, the cosmetics aisle, and the other locations where time ceases to pass for boyfriends

SCIENTISTS say time only slows when you approach light-speed but any man who has accompanied their girlfriend to Superdrug will disagree. Here are more locations where time stands still for boyfriends.

Man not sure if he is stuck in a Groundhog Day scenario or just middle-aged

A MAN is unsure whether he is living out the plot of the 1993 film Groundhog Day or if he is just trapped the dull and repetitive cycle of being 46 years old.

'Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Boulogne': a joke book for pedantic knobheads

PREFER pedantry to humour? Keep being told jokes that rely on inaccuracies or deliberate misunderstandings? Shut them down with these answers.

How many people have f**ked on that mattress? Holiday rental questions not to consider

HOLIDAY rentals are often shabby and strange, but you’ll put up with anything if it’s cheap enough. Here are some questions about them that should stay unanswered.

Toothpaste, and other products where we don't need that much f**king choice

TOOTHPASTE has one purpose, so why do we need so many versions? Here are some other products which offer far too much choice.

Six hobbies that don't necessarily mean you have to smoke weed but always do

INTERESTED in ley lines? Campfire jam sessions with friends? Or any other hobby which theoretically could be enjoyed without weed, but never, ever is?

The Clarks foot gauge: Experiences too good to be wasted on your kids

CHILDREN are too stupid to know a good thing when they see it. These childhood experiences should really be restricted to discerning adults like you.

7am gym soundtrack exclusively songs about f**king

A GYM’S early-morning soundtrack for busy professionals exercising before work is entirely focused on sex, regulars have uncomfortably noted.

'Mummy had a wee on the road': Things your kids will remember about their incredibly expensive holiday

WHETHER you splashed out on a Caribbean cruise or spaffed thousands on Center Parcs, these are the only holiday memories your children will take with them into adulthood.