Woman getting ready for New Year's Eve party won't be done by midnight

A WOMAN getting ready to go to a New Year's Eve party is looking increasingly unlikely to be finished before midnight.

Couple still holding out for extravagant celebrity party with free bar

A COUPLE have refused to make any New Year’s Eve plans in the hope that they will be invited to a fabulous, star-studded party.

Ten festive things to try shoving up yourself this Christmas

BORED over the festive period? Also horny and transgressive? You can only penetrate yourself with these once a year.

Christmas a hard time of year for the lonely, the poor, the single, the married, the rich, the old, the young, the sick and the healthy, experts confirm

A STUDY has found that everybody is justified in finding this time of year a bit of a pain in the arse.

Lego opened, Lego built, Lego f**king boring

GIFTS of Lego have been opened, built and are now sitting there being as dull as shit.

Mum delighted by thoughtlessly expensive gift

A WOMAN is over the moon to have received a very expensive gift that is in no way personal to her.

Everyone only does a 'Friendsmas' once

PEOPLE only spend one Christmas with friends instead of family as it always ends in tears, arguments and alcohol poisoning, it has emerged.

A labradoodle instead of a donkey: The nativity if Mary and Joseph had been unbearably middle-class

IS it too much to ask for a nativity story that the financially comfortable can relate to? No. Let’s imagine the birth of Jesus if Mary and Joseph had arts degrees.

Charcuterie board just fancy Lunchables, woman realises

A WOMAN eating a grown-up, sophisticated platter of meats and cheeses has realised it is basically the processed snack she used to eat at school.

'My balls were about to rupture': The Guardian’s censored 'How we met' columns

‘HOW we met’ remains a popular feature in the Guardian's Lifestyle section, but some of the real-life stories were deemed too disturbing for readers. Here is a sample.