Lifestyle

EXCITED about the new tax year? Here’s how to party like an accountant before a thrilling new fiscal year begins in April. Don’t forget the Alka-Seltzer!

WHY engage a professional when you’ve subliminally picked up everyday skills from seeing them in the opening scenes of filth? You already know how to do this.

AN outwardly normal couple have decided to have not one, not two, not three, but four children, it has emerged.

ALL bloody day it goes on, from the golden light of dawn to well into the night. I get that it’s striking, but I’m f**king sick of influencers staging photos by my wheelie bin.

ALLOWING another road-user to take precedence over you is an unforgivable sign of weakness and should incur points, motorists have agreed.

CONTINENTAL Europe is better at everything than you stodgy Brits because they’re just so sophisticated. Here’s what they outshine you at, country by country.

ONE was good enough for Jesus, Elvis and Buddha, but the greedy not only insist they have two first names but demand to be called by them. What can we learn from these freaks?

THE Cheltenham Festival has concluded, and with it your chance to staple a falcon’s wing to your forehead and call it a hat. What titfer did you look a tit in this year?

ARE you a terrible, inconsiderate son who doesn’t know what to get his mum for Mother’s Day? Try these safe gifts.

MORE and more places are welcoming dogs these days, but society still has a long way to go. Here are just six of the places I should obviously be allowed to take my gorgeous little fur baby.