Lifestyle

THE Devil is flattered you imagine he can still afford designer clothing in this economy, but says you are sadly mistaken.

I’M not exaggerating when I say a pint of Guinness cheered me right up and made the opposite sex appear more attractive. And you can buy one at pretty much every pub in any town.

WOMEN with big boobs have confirmed they cannot go out of fashion because they were never in it, but remain enduringly popular nonetheless.

YOUR local real ale pub now has six guest beers and heavy metal T-shirts at the bar, it has confirmed.

ARE you the only man in a house ruled by your wife and your daughters? Are you humiliated daily by a domestic matriarchy? This is the catalogue of your shame.

BRITAIN? Nowhere better for a holiday, if they’d get rid of those goddamn windmills. And thanks to me beating Iran, you’ll have the greatest UK break. Here’s how.

A MAN wants to be in the prime of his youth in an era he has intense nostalgia for as he gets older, he has revealed.

OFF to the park to enjoy the weather, only to discover people have claimed all the space because they’re more important than you? Here are their devious methods.

THE government wants the whole of Britain to enjoy a summer of sex because an MP is bringing dildos to Parliament. They will under-deliver on this erotic promise.

BIRDS are waking up singing merrily every morning because the season of them crapping all over the clean clothes you have hung out is here once more.