Lifestyle

A COUPLE on a weekend in Spain are feigning interest in a boring old cathedral because it is too early to start drinking.

A REFORMED character has admitted he cannot bring to mind the last occasion when he exposed his bare buttocks to the world as a statement.

NEW hobbies, sports and joining bloody book clubs are proposed as cures for the January blues, but what about an innovative new approach to self-pleasuring? Give these a go.

LOOK, I just think it’s unfair I’m suddenly the bad guy when you never said, in clear terms: ‘Please don’t walk around the flat stark bollock naked like a Victorian asylum patient.’

MARRIAGE isn’t the same for men as women. There isn’t the same trust. Which is why I, as all men should, keep £20k hidden from my wife for emergency shagging.

THE whole nation is approaching the midpoint of a very successful Dry January, if referring to sex only.

ARE you desperate for attention on the internet? Thousands of people are constantly posting shit that never happened, so here’s how to make sure your dubious tale gets likes.

AMBER snow warnings have been issued for the UK, which sounds scary. But car journeys need not be hazardous with these simple precautions and a willingness to eat human flesh.

NO-ONE wants to look as if they're selling sexual services at a New Year's gathering, so if you're a woman paranoid about her outfit use our checklist.

STAYING awake to witness one year transition to the next is a gruelling marathon that will never end when done with children under ten, parents agree.