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'What the ever-living f**k are you washing your clothes in?' Vinted sellers asked

AFTER receiving clothes that smell like a nuclear warhead went off in a detergent factory, Vinted buyers are wondering what their purchases are cleaned in.

Customers opening Vinted packages and being overwhelmed by a powerful chemical stench have demanded to know why it is necessary to be given immediate and intense migraines.

Online shopper Lucy Phipps said: “Obviously it’s nice to receive pre-owned clothes which have been thoroughly cleaned, but what have they had to get off them that uses so much washing powder? A fatal amount of blood?

“Even after washing several times with my own, not-insane-smelling laundry liquid, there’s still a lingering odour. I don’t think scientists could replicate that extreme chemical smell in a laboratory, so how are they managing it?

“And why? I just want a secondhand sweater, not to be olfactorily assaulted in my own home when I’ve done nothing wrong.”

Vinted seller Nikki Hollis said: “I spray my items very liberally with Febreze before sticking them in the machine with excessive amounts of washing powder, fabric softener and a bit of scent booster for good measure.

“Why? Well, when you’ve listed something as ‘new without tags’ and what you’re sending is a bobbly old piece of crap that’s clearly been worn to death, you need to distract the buyer somehow.”

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Asking Trump about Iran beginning to seem cruel

IT is so obvious that Trump has no idea what to say or do about the Israel-Iran conflict that asking him about it now seems cruel.

Journalists questioning the president about whether the US will strike Iran and receiving answers like ‘I may do it, I may not do it’ have concluded this is a tired, befuddled old man who is way out of his depth and spouting nonsense.

Thomas Logan of the New York Times said: “You can’t just shove a microphone in the face of a bewildered senior and print their confused gibberish as a headline. It’s not right.

“It’s quite clear this attack took Trump completely by surprise and, as the elderly do, he’s struggling to catch up. And it’s personally complicated for him: he loves Israel but he’s against war, he hates Iran but they’re Putin’s allies. Even an agile mind would struggle.

“When he’s coming out with ‘I mean, nobody knows what I’m going to do’ it’s basically a cry for help. He wants somebody to tell him what to do, but unfortunately his defence secretary is a unqualified alcoholic who’s fired all his advisers.

“So from now on we’re not printing anything he says on Iran unless it’s coherent policy. No more ‘I like to make a final decision one second before it’s due, you know?’ He doesn’t understand a word he’s saying and we know it.”

Later, Trump is expected to confuse Iran and Iraq, say the US has always been on the side of Hezbollah, launch into an irrelevant anecdote about a Jewish businessman he knew, tail off, change the subject to flagpoles and order a nuclear strike.

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