59-year-old grounded by his mum
A 59-YEAR-OLD man has been grounded by his mother for having bad friends and lying about it.
Man furious about tax asked if he’d like to do his own heart bypass
A MAN who gets furious about the idea of paying slightly more tax has been told he can perform his own heart operations and tarmac some roads.
How to make yourself totally unemployable
DO you feel obliged to get a job but can’t face spending your life in an office surrounded by people you hate? Just make yourself unemployable! Here are some tips.
Mum’s life ruined after she forgets to order school dinners
A MUM’S life is in tatters after she was forced to make her kids packed lunches for an entire week.
Quiz: Can you tell which of these statements is a Tory lie?
THE Tories appear to have dispensed with telling the truth, so can you distinguish their lies from fact? Take our fun quiz and rate the following statements true or false.
Man who quit masturbating for three days acting like he’s Jesus
A MAN who has abstained from masturbation for 72 hours is acting as if he is the saviour of all mankind.
A letter of complaint to my child’s school after her science project I spent weeks on didn’t win a prize
I write to complain that my daughter Ellie’s recent science project, which I put a lot of effort into, has received no recognition whatsoever.
What should I be a pr*ck about next? by Piers Morgan
WHEN you’re a top breakfast TV presenter like me, it’s not always easy to know who or what to pour scorn on next. Here’s how I carefully choose subjects.
Mother realises same dirty old soft toy has been coming home from school for 13 years
A MOTHER-OF-THREE has realised that a stuffed toy fox sent home by school has been visiting her house since 2006.
Jennifer Arcuri’s top six secrets of Boris Johnson
AMERICAN businesswoman and 70s-sitcom blonde Jennifer Arcuri has kept Boris Johnson’s secrets – until now. Find out what the PM is hiding:
Man who put wet iPhone in bowl of rice sad to find rice isn’t magic
A MAN’S attempt to revive an iPhone dropped in a sink by placing it in rice has sadly failed because rice is not magic.
The Daily Mail guide to Corbyn’s Communist Britain
IF Jeremy Corbyn wins the election, which he won’t but we have to pretend he might so everyone votes Tory, the UK will be fully communist by the weekend.
65 per cent of all bullsh*t in PowerPoint
ALMOST two-thirds of all bullsh*t is presented in PowerPoint format, it has emerged.
How to get out of trouble, by Prince Andrew
HELLO. I’m a former trade envoy for the UK and keen golfer, though you may know me as Prince Andrew. But I’m also an expert at getting out of trouble. Try these tips:
The self-deluding pet owner’s guide to thinking they’re human
DO you insist on believing your pet has complex thoughts and feelings, like a person? Try these ways of deluding yourself.
‘This is all we f*cking need’ confirm Pizza Express and Woking
TROUBLED restaurant chain Pizza Express and dreary town Woking have confirmed Prince Andrew's admission of visiting them is all they f*cking need.
Twenty-minute power nap lasts three hours
A WOMAN who settled down for a 20-minute power nap woke up three hours later, she has confessed.
Queen ‘may be 93-year-old who doesn’t give a sh*t’, say insiders
BUCKINGHAM Palace insiders have warned that the Prince Andrew crisis may be handled as if by a 93-year-old who no longer gives a bugger.
Mum gets minute to hear herself think and is hugely disappointed
A MOTHER-OF-TWO who had a rare moment of peace and quiet has been staggered by how inane her thoughts are.
Cat staring at that part of the wall again
A CAT has been observed staring at a certain part of the wall again for reasons known only to itself.
