Middle-aged female celebrities all going out with same man
EVERY middle-aged female celebrity is in a relationship with the same man, it has emerged.
Only people who still want Brexit are inexplicably angry posh couple with two labradors
NOBODY can be arsed with Brexit except an angry upper class couple with multiple dogs, it has emerged.
Next Tory leader to be someone you hate even more
BOOKMAKERS have confirmed that whoever the next Conservative leader is, it will be someone you hate even more than the present one.
Could you be any lazier? Take the test…
COULD you be any lazier? Seriously, could you? Take our test...
Artisan gin producers really scraping the weirdly-flavoured barrel
ARTISAN gin manufacturers have no idea if there are any palatable flavours left, they have admitted.
Man wondering if Carphone Warehouse is okay after day without sales call
A MAN with a mobile contract that is soon to expire is worried about the staff at Carphone Warehouse after going 24 hours without a call.
What will you be blaming Christmas for this year?
WHETHER you are skint, hungover or fat, blame it all on Jesus’s birthday.
Colleague selflessly keeping entire office updated on her sleeping patterns
A WOMAN has diligently kept her colleagues updated on the exact number of minutes of sleep she is getting each night.
Ex-boyfriends offering bad sex for Christmas
THE nation’s ex-boyfriends have texted offering a token gift and perfunctory, fumbled sex as a marvellous Christmas treat.
How to react when a friend starts talking about Warhammer when there are women around
WARHAMMER: all men play it, but only the brave few will mention it in public.
Child with ‘Santa truther’ parents about to f**k shit up on playground
A CHILD whose parents have told him the truth about Santa is about create utter chaos in a school playground.
How to make sure every single conversation ends up being about you
DO you hate listening to people tediously drone on about themselves when you’re clearly much more interesting? Here’s how to steer the conversation round.
If they don’t control immigration I’ll move to a different country, says Brexiter
A BREXITER has vowed to leave the country for some unspecified destination of his own free choosing if the government do not do something about immigration.
Spice Girls headlining Glastonbury ‘will end world’
IF the Spice Girls top the bill at the Glastonbury Festival, the world will cease to exist, it has been confirmed.
‘All is forgiven’ say poor people as Duncan-Smith donates tin of peas to food bank
BRITAIN’S least well off have hailed Ian Duncan-Smith after he donated an entire tin of peas to a food bank.
Couple having passive aggressive row by tagging each other on Facebook
A COUPLE are conducting a petty argument by tagging each other in Facebook posts.
If you hold in a burp it turns into a fart, confirm eight year-old research scientists
HOLDING in a burp will result in flatulence, according to Britain's leading eight year-old scientists.
Woman late for work after stopping to stroke a cat for 10 minutes
A WOMAN was 10 minutes late for work after stopping to stroke a friendly cat in the street.
Ryanair to compensate passengers by never letting them fly Ryanair again
RYANAIR has agreed to compensate passengers whose flights were cancelled by banning them from flying Ryanair ever again.
Woman who tried festive-themed coffee full of self-loathing and dairy
A WOMAN who bought an orange and praline pumpkin-spiced latte is experiencing intense remorse and lactose-induced bloating.
