SCOTLAND’S hopes of qualification hang by a thread. Which of these miracles could see them get through to the next round?
ENGLAND have vowed to strike terror into opponents at Euro 2020 by scoring a second goal.
YOUR parents aren’t as backwards or as phobic as you believe. Here are five things they’re totally cool with through gritted teeth.
EXPLAINING sex to your children is never easy, especially when your home’s over the threshold for inheritance tax. Sex expert Denys Finch Hatton tells you how.
WORKERS on temporary paid leave nursing pints in a bar at lunchtime are bemoaning the cancellation of Britain’s Freedom Day.
EVERY man loves to cook for his family under a very specific set of circumstances that occurs no more than three times a year. Here’s how to do it middle-aged style.
EVER wondered how some people amble through life never getting anywhere? They know these secrets – and you can too.
AN English woman with a single Scottish parent is under the impression that it makes her thrillingly exotic, it has emerged.
BRITAIN is struggling to come to terms with claims that the health secretary who has led us through this pandemic is totally f**king hopeless.
GOOD morning, I’m national engine of hatred the Daily Mail, and today I’ll be wearing the mask of Boris Johnson’s one-year-old son Wilf. Isn’t that disturbingly adorable?
THE UK is finding out first-hand what it’s like to be seduced, lied to, and repeatedly f**ked over by Boris Johnson.
THE sunlit uplands Boris Johnson and the Tories promised were a lie. Obviously. It’s Boris Johnson. But there are genuine upsides to Brexit:
THE UK is uniformly delighted that after years of not doing this American White House First Lady bollocks, we now apparently are.
GOT children? Desperate to not be suffering alone? Then you’ve visited a parenting group on Facebook and met these people.
EVER think that irritating twats deliberately sit in your train carriage? Yeah, they do. Here’s the line-up of rail companions for your next 100 journeys.
PEOPLE across the UK have miserably begun their annual ritual of pretending to enjoy temperatures above 18 degrees Celsius.
EVERYONE’S got Thou Shalt Not Kill by now, and coveting thy neighbour’s ox isn’t what it was. Follow these ten new commandments for modern life.
WORRIED people don't realise you are substantially more successful than they are? Make it clear with these topics.
A MIDDLE-CLASS family are fuming about the top-of-the-range pizza oven, complete with brick surround, that they are currently having built in their garden.
A WOMAN has scored a new personal best in her time between putting on heels for the day and deeply regretting it.
A WOMAN who is only 25 bizarrely thinks it is her prerogative as a female to keep her age a closely guarded secret.
HAVING a child is a life-changing experience. A mostly terrifying one. Here are five of the worst bits from year one, although there could be 50.
A HOT summer can be a testing time for goths. Follow our advice to ensure yours stays safe, but gloomy.
ACROSS England fans are leaving work early and settling down by the telly with a few cans to enjoy Scotland’s loss this afternoon.
NOT understanding the offside rule is for amateurs. Try these questions to get your football-loving companion truly enraged.
AN England fan tired of politics getting in the way of football has expressed his disagreement by making a racist political statement that gets in the way of football.
DO you like music? You won’t like football songs then. But with the Euros on the way here’s a few ranked from whale excrement to tolerable.
AS football punditry’s Che Guevara, it’s not just revolutions at Old Trafford that get my backing. Check out my post-game analysis of these world events.
PULLING out of a European group that raises everyone’s income, but it’s a good thing? Uh? Manchester United fan Wayne Hayes explains.
AMAZON boss Jeff Bezos is blasting into space, and there’s surely no reason to be suspicious about what the f**k he’ll do while he’s there. But why is he going?
CHILDREN’S curiosity is a wonderful thing, until you’re required to provide the answers. These basic questions will baffle you.
LIFE is full of mysteries, but some of it is bleeding obvious. Here are some of the f**king stupid questions that end up being googled...
SMARTPHONES are incredibly intelligent pieces of technology which put the world at your fingertips. Here are some ways to use them like an absolute twat.
EVER wondered what conclusions people draw about you based on your email address? Here’s what they think when you turn up in their inbox.
BATMAN’S publishers have confirmed that he refuses to perform oral sex on his partners. And according to comics nerd Tom Booker, that’s just the beginning.
ADAM and Eve only had sons, so where did their grandkids come from? Here are some other glaring Biblical plot holes.
IS YOUR superiority to others based on not consuming the same media as them? Nathan Muir flaunts his iconoclastic ignorance of perfectly enjoyable things he hasn’t seen.
A BRITISH man fuming at Channel 5 casting a black actress as Anne Boleyn is entirely at ease with a Caucasian Jesus, he confirmed.
AS the Cruella de Vil reboot hits the big screen, here are some other film villains who were misjudged rather than evil.
A MAN is getting constant, eager updates from a delivery company advising him on the precise whereabouts of his parcel.
ARE you a British business keen to let LGBT+ customers and staff know that they’re special for one month only? Here are the best ways to be an ally.
WETHERSPOONS boss Tim Martin has urged the government to set up some sort of ‘Union of Europe’ to solve his shortage of pub staff.
CLOTHING shops have reminded all their customers that they are now fat bastards so should buy their clothes accordingly.
THE corporate world is a palace of lies so glaringly obvious that they go almost unnoticed. Here are a few of the most frequent: