How to improvise a school uniform when none of it fits any more
HAS it been so long since your children physically went to school that none of their uniform fits? Here’s how to improvise in a panic on Monday morning.
Woman following rigorous vaping routine
A WOMAN is getting through lockdown by following a rigorous and exhausting daily vaping routine.
Key in front door substantially increases the need to have a piss
PLACING a key in your front door increases the risk of pissing yourself by up to 97 per cent, experts have found.
Five people you wish you hadn’t looked up on Facebook
HAVE you unwisely trawled Facebook for old schoolmates and exes and been horrified by what you saw? Here are the people best left in the past.
Woman to dump man who snaps spaghetti in half before cooking it
A WOMAN who watched her boyfriend snap spaghetti in half before putting it in the pan is wondering how else he will turn out to be a monstrous philistine.
Five ways to survive Monday’s ‘school run to end all school runs’
AFTER months of homeschooling, tomorrow's return to class is bound to begin with absolute carnage. Here are some tips on how to get through it in one piece.
Child-raising in the 1970s: a parent’s guide
WERE you born in the modern, enlightened times of the 1970s? Here are the rules your parents used to raise you.
Completing a boxset and four other things that aren’t achievements
IS watching hours of television a worthy achievement or a huge waste of time? The latter, obviously.
Because I’m worth it, by Priti Patel
A THIRD of a million pounds has been paid out by government to protect me, home secretary Priti Patel. I’m worth 10 times that. Let me explain why.
A Boots meal deal: Five things NHS nurses can buy with an extra £3.50 a week
UNDER a proposed 1% pay rise, experienced NHS nurses could pocket a whopping £3.50 every single week. Here’s what they could blow their massive windfall on.
Six books arseholes always recommend to you
IF you’ve ever asked your friends for book recommendations, then you will almost certainly have had some prick suggest one of these titles.
‘No probs!’: Five phrases to hide your crushing disappointment
LIFE not going your way again? Feel yourself slipping into a pit of despair? Put on a happy face by using these feelgood phrases.
We’re buying a house so f**k you
RISHI Sunak’s new mortgage scheme could help younger people become smug homeowners. Here first-time buyer Charlotte Phelps is just f**king unbearable about it.
Detailed cat doodle on Post-it note biggest achievement of woman’s working day
THE sole accomplishment of an office worker’s day of faffing about working from home was a quite detailed drawing of her cat.
Sturgeon, Markle and the other most evil figures of British history: A Daily Mail guide
IT’S hard to believe, but even Great Britain has produced some bad characters. Here the Daily Mail explains which ones are the very worst.
Six incredibly stupid things you believed in the 1980s
AS a pre-internet child in the 1980s it was easy to believe any rubbish your friends - or your dad - told you. Here are some nonsensical things you firmly believed in.
Having a bath and other ‘relaxing’ experiences that are actually a massive faff
HAD a stressful day and looking to unwind? You’ll soon find these supposedly enjoyable activities are hugely overrated.
From celebrity chef to host of a shit game show: Gordon Ramsay in his own words
WITH lockdown keeping his restaurants shut, Gordon Ramsay has resorted to hosting a contrived BBC game show. Here he shares his views on it. (May contain swearing.)
Get a room, BBC and Rishi Sunak told
THE BBC has been urged to be more discreet about its ongoing infatuation with chancellor Rishi Sunak.
How to celebrate milestone birthdays in lockdown
REACHING a key birthday like 18, 30 or 50 under national lockdown? Here’s how to do your best to celebrate.
