‘Bubble’ far too jolly a term, nation confirms
BRITONS have decided that ‘bubble’ is too cosy a term for a grim huddle of bored people stuck indoors with only each other for company.
Five shows you don’t need to watch the middle of
PUSHED for time? Bored of all the padding in a typical hour-long show? Here are five you can safely fast-forward through the middle 40 minutes of.
Woman buys f**king ugly dog
A WOMAN who has treated herself to a canine companion during lockdown has decided on one that is incredibly f**king ugly.
‘Epic fail’ and five other phrases that are past their sell-by date
KEEPING up with the linguistic pace online is a minefield. If you want to look like you're up to date with the latest tedious phrases, make sure you avoid these.
Romantic meal ruined by annoying life-partner
A WOMAN'S romantic evening meal has been ruined by the presence of her prick of a boyfriend.
How to bring the ambience of your dodgy local pub to your living room
MISSING your local bar during lockdown? Here are five ways to recreate the uniquely unpleasant atmosphere of your beloved watering hole at home.
Brexiter can’t get over how disastrous Megxit is
AN ardent Brexiter is appalled by what an absolute disaster Megxit has turned out to be.
How to earn £12.43 on eBay for 40 hours work
FANCY earning a bit of cash on the side by flogging some of your old stuff on eBay? Here's how to give yourself an incredibly badly paid full-time job.
Your guide to coping with a partner who’s an embarrassing twat
ARE you in a long-term relationship with someone you’ve realised is an embarrassing twat? Here are some common problems and what to do about them.
Actual working class family insulted to be called working class
A WORKING class family have said they are not keen on the term, unlike middle class people who like to call themselves that.
Dad uses 34 metaphors in three-minute sex talk
A DAD believes no confusion has been caused by using 34 metaphors during a talk about sex with his son.
Government to reward catching Covid with fabulous cash prize
ANYONE who catches Covid is to be rewarded for their efforts with £500, cash in hand, no questions asked, to spend on whatever they want.
How to spice up your relationship with your right hand
HAS the spark fizzled out between you and your dominant hand? Turn up the heat in the bedroom with these saucy tips.
How to be a badass while self-isolating, by Matt Hancock
YO. Matt here. You may have noticed I consider myself pretty damn cool. So after my Covid scare, here’s how I’m self-isolating with ATTITUDE. Party on, dudes!
Boris Johnson’s first grovelling call to the White House: A transcript
THE prime minister will be wasting no time sucking up to newly sworn-in president Joe Biden. Here is a transcript of their first conversation today.
The Brexiter’s guide to contradicting yourself
DO you worry that your arguments sometimes conflict with what you said moments earlier? Don’t worry - here Brexiter Martin Bishop explains how to hold two contradictory views.
Insurer disgusted by suggestion it might have to ‘pay out’ over floods
AN insurance company is horrified by the suggestion that it might ‘pay out’ to ‘claimants’ on its ‘policies’.
Your guide to the dangers of working from bed
CELEBS like Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen and Keeley Hawes have revealed they like to work from bed. But what are the hidden dangers? Here is a guide every homeworker should read.
Warhammer, Doctor Who and Judge Dredd obsessive sees himself as a ‘triple threat’
AN expert in three fields of geek subculture thinks of himself as a ‘triple threat’ to both fellow dorks and the hearts of women.
Three big houses in Grimsby, and other things you could buy for the price of a London property
THE average house price in London is now £500,000 and that will only bag you a pokey little flat. Here are some better ways to spend your money.
