How to tell if someone is lying about London being a good place to live
DO you have a friend who claims to love living in London but who you suspect secretly hates it? Here’s how to see through their lies.
The Brexiter’s guide to pretending you’re not bricking yourself
ARE you a Leaver who’s finally realising no-deal Brexit could come crashing down on you if May’s deal is rejected? Here’s how to pretend everything's fine.
Scotland now in danger of losing to fictional countries
THE Scottish national football team is now the underdog against a range of made-up countries.
The moron’s guide to writing an Amazon review
DOES your useless new laptop from Amazon stop working when you use it in the bath? Here’s how to write a stupid and misleading Amazon review.
Naive idiot loads dishwasher just in time for wife to rearrange it
A MAN is in a state of confusion after loading the dishwasher only for his wife to take everything out and put it back in again.
We’re definitely getting our shit together this time, babbles Britain before snorting big fat line of nationalism
THE UK has sworn to the EU it will definitely take this chance to sort itself out before doing a shitload of nationalism in the bogs.
Twitter user responding to absolutely anything with a death threat
A MAN who has spent too much time on Twitter now believes it is normal to respond to any minor annoyance with calls for murder.
How to tell a friend with a beard they look like the ultimate twat
IT’S not easy to break it to a friend that their new beard looks ridiculous. Here are some ways to do it.
I see Chuka Umunna everywhere, admits haunted Corbyn
JEREMY Corbyn has admitted he walked out of a meeting last night because he saw Chuka Umunna, who he also sees looming from every shadow.
‘Do I cut the red wire, or the blue wire? Or do I cut both?’ By Theresa May
HELLO there. Two years ago I made this bomb.
Kids’ menu looking pretty f**king tempting in wanky gastropub
ADULTS have been enviously eyeing the straightforward and tasty children’s menu in a London gastropub, it has emerged.
The gammon’s guide to panic buying for Brexit
YOU may have voted for Brexit, but that’s no reason not to stock up on vital supplies. Here’s what every gammon should be buying.
May loads Skoda Yeti with bogroll at Belgian hypermarket
THERESA May has been stockpiling toilet roll during her latest trip to Brussels.
Useless headmistress cross again
THE headmistress has called another special assembly to tell pupils and teachers alike how very cross she is with them.
Man on electric unicycle provides valuable insight into bellends of the future
A MAN on an electric unicycle has given the world a glimpse of the tiresome tossers they will have to deal with more regularly in the future.
Teenager wants to tell you how good Kurt Cobain was
AN awestruck 15-year-old is breathlessly telling everyone how incredible Kurt Cobain was and what a terrible loss his death was.
Nine f**king days left
THERE are nine – nine! – fucking days left until economic armageddon and still the same shit is going on, Britain has realised.
How to waste your life making pointless YouTube videos
DO you feel an inexplicable need to start your own YouTube channel for your amateurish, unwatched videos? Why not try failing to attract an audience in these popular genres?
Office not run for benefit of parents with small children
AN office is callously not geared to meeting every single need of employees who have small children.
Woman who stopped listening to friend’s problems five minutes ago hopes she’s giving right advice
A WOMAN who tuned out her friend’s whinges about her love life five minutes ago is having a stab in the dark at some sage advice.
