Man trapped for three days waiting for wife to finish her story
A MAN was trapped in his house for three days while his wife told him about a thing that happened to her at work, it has emerged.
Five classic Britpop hits to weep over during the school run
THERE’S nothing like a bit of Britpop to remind you you’re old now! Here’s an awesome playlist to sob to as you drive the kids to school.
The middle class person’s guide to pretending you don’t drink too much
ARE you the sort of middle class drinker who thinks it’s fine to open a bottle of prosecco every Saturday morning for Buck’s Fizz? Here are some other ways to kid yourself.
Penguin launches Marvel-style ‘Penguin Universe’
PUBLISHING house Penguin is attempting to cash in on the success of Marvel by claiming all its characters coexist in the ‘Penguin Universe’.
The bellend’s guide to winning the Lottery
IF you win the Lottery it’s traditional to make a series of terrible life decisions and somehow end up skint. Follow our guide to squandering your fantastic opportunity.
‘Project Fear’ vindicated as Brexit leads to return of Ann Widdecombe
FRESH concerns have been raised over Brexit after it caused the return of Ann Widdecombe.
Woman spends another morning wondering why cats are so mean to each other
A WOMAN who is meant to be working confirmed she has spent the time wondering why cats are mean to each other.
‘Donate Notre Dame money to different charity’ says man who has never donated to anything
A MAN who has never given money to charity has decided there are worthier causes than Notre Dame Cathedral.
How to survive a hideous hen weekend in Blackpool
YOU prayed for a nice meal out or a spa day perhaps, but some twat suggested a nightmarish hen weekend in Blackpool. Here’s how to survive it.
Five ways to avoid swearing in front of your f**king annoying kids
DO you struggle to get through a whole day with your children without dropping the F-bomb on the little shits? Read our guide.
Man’s high IQ has not stopped him wanking on about it
A MAN with a very high IQ score has not used his intelligence to realise that everyone would like him to shut the fuck up about it.
Boyfriend accused of not taking ghost tour seriously
A WOMAN is deeply disappointed in her boyfriend for not treating a ghost tour in London with the seriousness it deserved.
Your guide to Britain’s bullshit ‘culture war’
ARE you totally confused by the ‘culture war’ people keep talking about? Here we explain this enormous load of bollocks in detail.
Millennials cosplaying as homeowners
A NEW form of cosplay encourages millennials to dress up as homeowners.
Barbecues ‘like smoking 20 cigarettes but not as cool’
BARBECUE cooking has the same health effects as smoking 20 fags but is nowhere near as cool, it has emerged.
‘F**k off, the f**king lot of you’ man jokingly tells family
A FATHER has light-heartedly told his family that the whole fucking lot of them can fuck off only for it to be taken the wrong way.
How to train properly for the London marathon
YOU'VE broken in your trainers, you’ve learnt the meaning of iliotibial band, now as the London Marathon approaches, here are the only training tips that could possibly matter.
Families gather to sing jolly songs about brutal execution
FAMILIES have joined together to sing jolly little songs about the time a man was brutally nailed to a cross.
Woman gets fancy Easter egg instead of the bucket of Flakes she wanted
A WOMAN has been let down by her boyfriend’s gift of a small, expensive dark chocolate Easter egg instead of a big cheap one that absolutely does the business.
How to feel young again when you’ve accidentally enjoyed a trip to the garden centre
HAVE you returned from the garden centre with seven packets of seeds and a warm sense of contentment? Here’s how to nip those weird middle-aged feelings in the bud.
