Why £5,300 energy bills are not a bad thing, by Liz Truss

DOOMMONGERS will say £5,300 energy bills could drive millions into poverty. Let me, Liz Truss, explain why they are not a bad thing.

My Edinburgh diary, by Jerry Sadowitz

LOOKS like my Edinburgh Fringe show’s been cancelled after one gig. But that means I’ve got time to share my Edinburgh memories and recommendations for visitors.

Are you stupid enough to be nostalgic for Boris Johnson?

MANY Tory grassroots members wish lazy, incompetent liar Boris Johnson could continue as PM. So do you share their inexplicable nostalgia? Take our test and find out if you are very stupid.

Are you the mighty ruler of your household's TV remote? Take our quiz

DO you rule the viewing habits of your household with an iron fist? Find out with this quiz.

Five unpleasant foods pathetic social climbers eat to look 'posh'
DESPERATE to go up a social class or two? Choke down this disgusting food to fit in with all the other 'posh' people.
Baldness and other physical traits which make you invisible to the opposite sex

WONDERING why you are not turning the heads of the opposite sex? You're probably afflicted with these physical traits.

Don't refill your Jacuzzi every day: the selfish bastard's guide to saving water

WANT to help save water during the drought? Follow the advice and sacrifices of selfish moron Roy Hobbs.

Find the least sticky table: your guide to a romantic date in Wetherspoons

WANT to impress your date with a visit to the country's most romantic food and drink establishment? Make sure you do these things.

Five childhood traumas your parents still refer to as 'character building'

THEY f**k you up, your mum and dad. Philip Larkin said they don't mean to, but you've got your doubts. Here are five traumas they inflicted which they still classify as 'character building'.

The version of your home life you present to guests versus the reality

DO you pretend to have a different home life when people visit? Here are five things that are at odds with the squalid truth.

Five family activities attempted once a year when it's stupidly hot

WANT to keep the family busy in this sweltering heat? Try these activities which are an annual lesson in misery.

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Politics

The Tory guide to dentistry for scum who can't afford to go private

BRITONS are finding it impossible to sign up with an NHS dentist. That’ll teach you to do better at school and go private, says health minister Steve Barclay. Here’s his dental advice.

Open a bottle at 12pm sharp: Boris Johnson's handover notes revealed

DESPITE being a chaotic nightmare while in office, Boris Johnson has taken steps to aid his successor. Here are his handover notes in full.

My adventures in Scotchland, by Liz Truss

HOOTS, I’ve caused a stir by saying we should ignore Nicola Sturgeon and Scotchish independence. Here’s what I learned during a government fact-finding trip to this strange, backward little province.

Liz Truss having photo done in England kit as we f**king speak

LIZ Truss is posing for a photoshoot in England kit with a football under one arm as we f**king speak, Britain has realised.

A day in the miserable childhood of Liz Truss

LIZ Truss has been accused of distorting accounts of her Northern childhood. Here the surely-this-is-a-joke leadership candidate recounts her impoverished upbringing. 

Starmer sacks Angela Rayner's boyfriend so he can be her boyfriend

KEIR Starmer has sacked his deputy Angela Rayner’s boyfriend and suggested that perhaps he could step in on an acting basis.

'I’m so hideous,' tweets staggeringly beautiful woman
A STUNNING woman with the face and physique of a supermodel took to Twitter to tell the world she resembles a ‘horrible ugly little toad’.

Society

Woman only able to communicate in bullshit pop culture memes

DOCTORS are increasingly worried about a woman who has lost the power of speech due to years of expressing herself only in inane, unfunny internet memes.

The six days of your life you'll never want to live again

FROM being born to turning 40, life is littered with horrible experiences. Here are six you'll be glad you only have to suffer once.

The seven stages of grief for a bloody hamster, by a dad

THE death of a family hamster is tragic for kids but boring for everyone else. Dad Roy Hobbs explains the seven tedious stages of their grief.

Woman in leopard print top absolutely going to end up more pissed than her friends

A WOMAN wearing a leopard print top on a night out is guaranteed to get more drunk than any of her friends, it has been confirmed.

Is it your fault the shopping bill costs twice as much? Take our quiz

THE cost of living has skyrocketed, and many people need urgent government help. But is there any chance that your own shopping costing double is down to… you?

Should you report yourself for 'vilifying' Britain?

RISHI Sunak has promised to clamp down on those who ‘vilify’ the fascist regime, sorry, ‘Britain’. So are you a treacherous vilifier or just a bit of a moaner? Read our checklist and be sure where you stand.

Racist scarecrow competitions, and other shit that only happens in small villages
THERE are thousands of tiny villages across our green and pleasant land, each with their own weird shit going on, Here are five things that only happen there:

Lifestyle

Six modern developments that either delight or horrify your parents

YOUR ageing parents are incredibly fickle when it comes to deciding what they like about the developments of the modern age. Here are six things they either adore or detest.

Mercury is in retrograde: excuses twats will use for behaving like twats

WE all have days where we accidentally get on everyone's tits, but you won’t gain any sympathy with a lament about disruption to your hot yoga schedule. Or any of these excuses either.

'California University 1966' and other random shit written on T-shirts

IF you’re trying to buy a plain t-shirt from the shops these days, you’re f**ked. Here’s the type of bizarre nonsense that seems to be emblazoned across all of them:

Five destinations that always have cheap flights because they're shit

LOOKING for a budget holiday this year? Here are five places you hypothetically could fly to on the cheap, but f**k knows why you’d want to.

How the whole economic system going tits up might affect you

THE economy is once again hurtling towards recession, so how will having f**k all cash impact on your spending habits? Find out with our guide.

Having a 'no turning' sign in the drive, and other ways people are pricks about their houses

DO you think an Englishman’s home is his castle? If so you may well be a wanker who adds stupid, self-important accessories to your dwelling. Like these.

A points system by Priti Patel: What a Brexit Britain Eurovision will look like
A EUROVISION Song Contest hosted in Brexit Britain is bound to be an anti-EU disaster. Here are the many ways it will go wrong.

Sport

Which football team you support basically horoscopes for men

MEN who scoff at star signs believe they can know a person's entire character and future life-trajectory based on what football team they support.

The football fan's guide to ruining a quiet Sunday pub roast

PUBS are the perfect place to watch the Premier League on a big screen and make lunch unendurable for innocent bystanders. Football fan Wayne Hayes explains how.

The pathetic beta man's guide to pretending you understand the Premier League

NEED to learn about the Premier League so you can fit in with the real men? Fake your knowledge ahead of the new season with this guide.

How inspired are you? A checklist for celebrating women

THE Lionesses’ victory has inspired women, but only up to a point. Follow our checklist to ascertain your level of inspiration-linked activity.

Euros trophy left in nightclub toilet

THE Lionesses have left the Euro 22 trophy in one of a possible sixteen nightclub toilets, they have confirmed.

Years of hurt counter reset to zero

ENGLAND’S official years of hurt counter has been reset from 56 to zero, operators have confirmed.

Number of the Beast: Six scary records that were as terrifying as a blancmange
ROCK stars wrongly believe their warped imaginations strike fear into the hearts of normal people. Here are some ‘terrifying’ records that just made you go ‘Yeah, whatever’.

Science & Technology

Phone calls never recorded for training purposes, companies admit

COMPANIES have admitted that they never record phone calls for training or quality purposes, instead keeping them indefinitely for no reason.

Your guide to f**king with internet algorithms

THEY harvest your data, sell it on and use your every click to advertise you stuff, all perfectly targeted. Until you f**k with them.

Should I share naked pictures of myself online, or wait no stop don't f**king do that

THINKING of sending naked pictures of yourself to someone you barely know online? Ask yourself these questions before doing this very obviously stupid thing.

How to be dumb enough to get catfished

CATFISHING – being defrauded online by someone pretending to be something they are absolutely not – isn’t for everyone. Are you thick enough to fall for it?

Man horrified at the kind of twat who'd get his YouTube recommendations

A MAN was sent into a spiral of shame and self-loathing after being confronted by his own recommended videos on YouTube.

How to be a messianic tech bro overlord

ARE you a Silicon Valley zealot reshaping the world in your inhuman image? Include all these in your 3.0 version build:

Parent hopes crying child isn't injured enough for them to have to get up
A TIRED mum is silently hoping her yelling son is not hurt badly enough for her to have to move from the sofa.

Arts & Entertainment

'Based on a true story': Incredibly stupid horror film lines they won't stop using

HORROR films are designed to scare, but nothing is more terrifying than these dumb, clichéd lines they insist on using.

Batgirl, and other signs Hollywood might need to think of a new idea

WITH Warner Bros canning its upcoming Batgirl film amid rumours that it’s incredibly bad, perhaps it’s time Hollywood stopped shitting out the same old franchises? Just a thought.

Alien vs Predator versus Sunak vs Truss: can you spot the quotes?

THE battle between Sunak and Truss is frequently compared to 2004 movie Alien vs Predator, and is just as shit.

Six first wedding dance songs no f**ker will ever forget

WANT to make the first dance at your wedding something people will remember forever? Play one of these inappropriate songs.

Five musical acts you wouldn't see if they paid you 3,000 quid

BRUCE Springsteen has been criticised for tickets being on sale for $4,000. But at least people want to see him. Here are some artists you wouldn’t watch even if the transaction worked the other way round.

Australia dismantled now Neighbours is over

THE country-sized set of Neighbours is slowly being dismantled and packed away now the soap is over, it has emerged.

I'm having a petrol barbecue, and it's nothing to do with donations from climate skeptics
THERE’S nothing like a juicy steak cooked on a proper petrol-fired barbecue, because petroleum is a completely natural miracle fuel we should extract more of.

Business

We are taking all of your things, by BP

YOUR holiday? We’re having that. Your new kitchen? That’s ours now. Your second car? Give it the f**k here. We are BP, and we’ve having all your shit.

Why poundshops were always bollocks

THE poundshop may soon be a thing of the past, as few items still cost £1. Britons are predictably upset, but the truth is they were always bollocks. Here’s why.

Six ways to get through three weeks of Jubilee wank

HORSES are parading, M&S biscuits are rebranded, and Nicholas Witchell is clearing his throat. Jubilee hysteria is upon us. Here’s how to make it through.

Smug Bitcoin bastards getting long-overdue comeuppance

SMUG twats who piled all their cash into imaginary numbers money are finding out they are not cleverer than the entire world after all.

Seven brands that arseholes love

IN our capitalist label-obsessed society, some brands attract more tosspots, twats and knobheads than others. Avoid anyone devoted to these.

Coked-up guy ranting about crypto in bar hopes everyone is listening

A DRUNK man, noticeably high on cocaine and bellowing about cryptocurrencies in a central London pub, is hoping people are taking his excellent financial advice. 

Reading graphic novels, and other male hobbies that really get the ladies going
WOMEN love a man with interests - especially if they’re as sexually-charged as these. If you’re not already a devotee of one of these hobbies, try them and brace yourself for a sexual tsunami.

Work

'Actioning', and other bullshit office jargon you hate

WORK in an office? Surrounded by wankers desperate to make themselves sound important? Then you’ll be sick of these irritating terms:

Homeworkers with kids begin six weeks of living hell

HOMEWORKERS with children begin six weeks of an endlessly harried logistical f**king nightmare today, they have confirmed.

Psychological tests, a 8,000-word essay and your first-born child: what job interviews demand these days

A CHRONIC labour shortage hasn’t stopped the audacity of prospective employers. Here’s what they now demand.

The middle-aged guide to fitting in with Gen Z work colleagues

IS everyone else on the video call younger and cooler than you? Did they not get your ‘computer says no’ gag? Hide your true age with these tips.

How to erroneously believe you're the best boss any employee could ever ask for

YOU care so much about your employees, you even call them at home at weekends. A management expert explains how to make your business your family.

Woman too sweaty to remove jacket

A WOMAN is bitterly regretting her decision to wear a blazer to work on one of the muggiest days of the year.

Five reasons why you can't quite bring yourself to delete Facebook
YOU know Facebook is a cynical corporation partly responsible for the f**ked up state of the world and yet you can’t bring yourself to delete it. Here are your lame reasons why not.

Alcohol

Prosecco and other fun drinks that become bleak as f**k when drunk alone

SOME drinks take parties to a new level but are tragic when knocked back alone. Avoid quaffing these during solo sessions.

Six great summer drinks you'll suddenly get horribly shitfaced on

A GOOD few spritzers at a garden party are harmless, right? You may revise that opinion after having a violent drunken row or blacking out and pissing your shorts. Here are some summer drinks to be wary of.

Five things you can't get through with a drink

ALCOHOL makes most of life’s problems easier, but it’s not a miracle cure. Here are five challenging situations it will not help you navigate effortlessly.

How not to chat up a woman when you're horribly pissed

ALCOHOL makes you better-looking and more interesting - that’s just a scientific fact. Yet somehow women don’t always fall into bed with you after nine pints. Here’s what to avoid.

British lunchtime drinking phrases: a translation

WORKING in Britain? Then a ‘swift half’ will be suggested at around noon. What does this really mean, and what will happen next?

Wave your debit card: the wanker's guide to getting served at the bar

LOOKING to get drinks at your busy local, and also a wanker? Follow these tips and you’ll have an irate member of staff pulling your pint in no time.

I'm a low-income pensioner and I'm terrified of university cancel culture this winter
I’M 72 years old. I live on the basic state pension. And I don’t know how I’m going to cope come the winter. I’ve never been so worried in all my life. But here we are.