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the dailymash

Saturday, 23rd February 2019
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Dad develops strange new personality every time he talks to a waitress

A FATHER-OF-TWO puts on a strange, jocular personality whenever he is in a restaurant, to the extreme discomfort of his family and female waiting staff.

Where are you on the Brexit thickness scale?

HAVE you completely abandoned sense and reason over Brexit? Find out how you rate on the ‘Brexit thickness scale’ by seeing if you hold any of these views.

Stop this display of ostentatious wealth, says Queen in massive palace, with her crown

THE Queen is believed to be outraged at Meghan’s £300,000 baby shower, from beneath her jewelled crown in one of her many palaces.

May has weird dream where she’s done no preparation for Brexit

THERESA May has had a classic anxiety dream in which she totally failed to do any preparation for Brexit, she has revealed.

How to pretend you’re drinking in moderation

IF you drink too much it’s vital to convince yourself you just enjoy a harmless regular tipple. Here’s how to delude yourself.

Man stupidly asks elderly parents to buy wine

A MAN foolishly asked his parents who rarely drink alcohol to buy a bottle of wine after forgetting they would fuck it up.

  • Are you f**king furious enough about the ISIS bride?

    ARE you worried you’re not being goaded enough by the media over ISIS bride Shamima Begum? Read our checklist and see if you could be angrier.

    Why I am leaving the Empire, by Darth Vader

    TODAY is my last day at the Empire.

    Look at the size of this f**king bee, say scientists

    AN absolutely massive bee has been found in a remote region of Indonesia by a team of totally freaked-out entomologists.

    ‘You can be anything you want’ says lying bastard dad

    A FATHER has been feeding his child utter bollocks about being able to have any job they want when they grow up.

    Independent Group discovering they hate each other’s guts already

    MEMBERS of the Independent Group have discovered that now they no longer have their parties to moan about they really fucking hate each other.

    Why I am leaving Wetherspoons to get shitfaced independently

    By former Wetherspoons customer Roy Hobbs

    Pizza delivery guys sick of being used for sex

    PIZZA delivery drivers have declared they are sick of being used for sex by randy housewives.

    Brexiter ‘taking back control’ has 800 Pot Noodles

    A SUPPORTER of Brexit has been forced to stockpile a large number of Pot Noodles ‘just in case’, he has admitted.

    Man somehow remembers school fondly despite hating every second of it

    A MAN has given a glowing account of his school days that is very different to how his friends remember it.

    Pregnant Meghan enjoys ill-timed night out with ISIS bride

    THE Duchess of Sussex is under fire after enjoying a night out with Serena Williams, Jessica Mulroney, and ISIS bride Shamima Begum.

    GP surgeries hoping patients either recover or drop dead while on hold

    DOCTORS’ surgeries are hopeful that if they leave patients on hold for long enough they will either make a complete recovery or die.

    Eighth Labour MP to quit admits she slept through her alarm on Monday

    THE eighth Labour MP to quit for the independent group admitted she was meant to leave on Monday but it had been a big weekend.

    Michael Gove’s guide to running a post-Brexit farm

    GOOD morning, I’m Michael Gove, and as you’d expect I know everything about agriculture.

    Man who rejects global warming firmly believes Star Wars will come true

    A MAN who rejects the evidence for global warming does believe that a Death Star will one day be built in space.

    NEXT >
    • Features

      • How to save money by dumping your partner now then getting back together on February 15
      • The Brexiter's guide to why recessions are brilliant
      • How to write an article about something stupid if you're an attention seeking arsehole
      • 4 classic kids' films that could offend idiots
      • Five ways to completely misuse the phrase 'Dunkirk spirit'
      • Will your social media posts get you fired today?
      • Five anti-ageing tips for people who live in a fantasy world
      • What to do in a Brexit riot
    • Arts & Entertainment

      • Woman almost leaves Hollyoaks on
      • Loads of cheap gigs better value than one expensive one
      • Jason Statham to try his hand at acting
      • Man in shock after watching ITV for first time in ages
      • Man decides to just agree with everyone that Paddington 2 is some sort of masterpiece
      • Woman watching BBC version of Les Mis adding songs in herself
      • Man more successful than Britpop band he used to worship
      • Kate Bush forced to deny that 'Hounds of Love' is about the glory of fascist dictatorship
    • Business

      • Are you the irritating new keen person?
      • High-achieving woman has strict morning routine and shitloads of money
      • Hip young entrepreneur opens trendy cafe in town that only eats pies
      • I regret to inform British businesses that it is necessary for us to go mad
      • Ryanair 'a totally acceptable casualty of Brexit'
    • Environment

      • Michael Gove's guide to running a post-Brexit farm
      • Snow in south to be moved to north
      • Man who saw speck of snow buys 23 pints of milk just in case
      • We want you to hear us having sex, say foxes
      • 'Just get on with it,' say turkeys
    • Most Popular

      • 38-year-old man has just learned it's 'could have' not 'could of'
        38-year-old man has just learned it's 'could have' not 'could of'
      • Prince Philip 'has no idea Meghan is mixed-race'
        Prince Philip 'has no idea Meghan is mixed-race'
      • The 'Have a Wank' guide to a good night's sleep
        The 'Have a Wank' guide to a good night's sleep
      • 'We got through the war and we'll get through this' says plumber born in 1977
        'We got through the war and we'll get through this' says plumber born in 1977
      • GP's receptionist admits every single appointment is a personal defeat
        GP's receptionist admits every single appointment is a personal defeat
      • Woman old enough to be 'invisible' to men actually quite pleased about it
        Woman old enough to be 'invisible' to men actually quite pleased about it
      • The white person’s guide to pretending you're a victim of racism
        The white person’s guide to pretending you're a victim of racism
      • Are you f**king furious enough about the ISIS bride?
        Are you f**king furious enough about the ISIS bride?
      • Where are you on the Brexit thickness scale?
        Where are you on the Brexit thickness scale?
      • The six most middle-class ways of exercising
        The six most middle-class ways of exercising
    • Berlin to send back thousands of British hipsters

      BERLIN will return thousands of hipsters when Britain leaves the EU, it has emerged.

    • Man who can't stop talking shite clearly ideal for important negotiations

      BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of bullshit is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.

    • No, really, what's the plan, though? May asked

      THERESA May has been told that yesterday's speech was great fun but she now needs to announce the real Brexit plan.

    • Unstable friend now somehow a counsellor

      A WOMAN with a chaotic personal life and a history of believing in total nonsense is now being paid to give people advice, shocked friends have revealed.

    • Bus driver wrongly thanked for bus journey

      A BUS driver has been wrongly thanked at the end of a bus journey, it has emerged.

    • Lobster can't believe he ended up in bloody Lidl

      A LOBSTER is dismayed to have ended up in the frozen food section of Lidl, he has confirmed.

    • Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'

      Dear Holly, Can you help me come up with an insult that is more accessible to the ignorant underclasses? Yours, Boris

    • Ask Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?

      If Brexit happens the British people will no longer have access to Nutella or Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher, which would be nothing short of a CATASTROPHE.

    • Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

      “After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying.”

    • Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

      I’m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot

    • Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

      Dear Holly,
      The other day I got involved in an exchange of  words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny  to say, but by then it was too late.

    • Health

      • GP surgeries hoping patients either recover or drop dead while on hold
      • The 'Have a Wank' guide to a good night's sleep
      • Woman's only winter cardio is pulling her tights up
      • The six most middle-class ways of exercising
    • Society

      • Man somehow remembers school fondly despite hating every second of it
      • Brexiter 'taking back control' has 800 Pot Noodles
      • Hazard lights used sarcastically
      • Friendship effectively ended with the words 'Let's just pay for what we had'
    • Politics

      • Eighth Labour MP to quit admits she slept through her alarm on Monday
      • Tories regret joining party full of horrible bastards
      • Corbyn lines up seven marrows then smashes them with a spade
      • Yay, now it's our turn to call people traitors, confirms Labour
    • Celebrity

      • Pregnant Meghan enjoys ill-timed night out with ISIS bride
      • Dad still unclear on David Bowie's sexuality
      • The actor's guide to not totally bollocksing up your career
      • Prince Philip 'has no idea Meghan is mixed-race'
    • Sport

      • Mourinho put in charge of Brexit
      • Rugby players worried about teammate drinking piss alone
      • Yep, this is as 'exciting' as golf gets, confirm fans
      • Jose Mourinho's guide to being a miserable bastard
    • Science & Technology

      • Man who rejects global warming firmly believes Star Wars will come true
      • Scientists pledge to deliver zombie apocalypse by March 29th
      • Man relives most terrifying experience of his life after losing phone for 35 seconds
      • Man discovers six-foot long fatberg in bathroom mirror
    • Most Popular

      • 38-year-old man has just learned it's 'could have' not 'could of'
        38-year-old man has just learned it's 'could have' not 'could of'
      • Prince Philip 'has no idea Meghan is mixed-race'
        Prince Philip 'has no idea Meghan is mixed-race'
      • The 'Have a Wank' guide to a good night's sleep
        The 'Have a Wank' guide to a good night's sleep
      • 'We got through the war and we'll get through this' says plumber born in 1977
        'We got through the war and we'll get through this' says plumber born in 1977
      • GP's receptionist admits every single appointment is a personal defeat
        GP's receptionist admits every single appointment is a personal defeat
      • Woman old enough to be 'invisible' to men actually quite pleased about it
        Woman old enough to be 'invisible' to men actually quite pleased about it
      • The white person’s guide to pretending you're a victim of racism
        The white person’s guide to pretending you're a victim of racism
      • Are you f**king furious enough about the ISIS bride?
        Are you f**king furious enough about the ISIS bride?
      • Where are you on the Brexit thickness scale?
        Where are you on the Brexit thickness scale?
      • The six most middle-class ways of exercising
        The six most middle-class ways of exercising
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