Six of the most annoying Christmas pub twats
PUBS are full of twats at the best of times. But at Christmas they’re filled with a special range of festive idiots, including these.
WERE you ever looked after by a babysitter who was barely older than you? Here are all the ways you took advantage of their naivety.
A RURAL village is managing to run several hair salons despite having few residents and being located in the arse end of nowhere.
A WOMAN is standing inside looking out at the pissing rain that traditionally envelops Britain in December and feeling a Yuletide glow of warmth.
A TEEN’S attempts to look hard have been fatally undermined by his decision to wear a full tan sweatsuit that makes him resemble a giant cuddly toy.
A SLENDER branch from the Magic Money Tree has been gifted to Rwanda for taking away asylum seekers, it has emerged.
DEEP in the Welsh valleys, far beyond civilisation’s call, is an unusual town. A town where the erections never droop. For here every man, woman and child is on Viagra.
NOT sure when you should be putting on deodorant? More often than you are now, says teenage Lynx addict Wayne Hayes.
CHRISTMAS is a time to remember those less middle-class than ourselves. Here Charlotte Phelps suggests some who will rightly be eternally grateful for your one-off generosity.
A COUPLE have given up their life in the country to pursue their dream of earning enormous salaries and living in a tiny property in London.
Politics
KEIR Starmer has set out to appeal to Home Counties Conservatives by revealing he dresses as Margaret Thatcher and chokes himself to orgasm.
THE Suella Braverman of Sept 2022-Nov 2023 was ‘a slap in the face’ for voters, Suella Braverman has insisted.
THE Conservative party actually believes that you are overwhelmed by their generosity in yesterday’s budget.
BRITAIN has agreed that between inflation, rent, mortgage rates and taxes, National Insurance was definitely the problem in need of urgent attention.
THE Conservative party has apologised for losing the house in a series of ill-advised bets by presenting Britain with a bunch of flowers from the all-night garage.
TOMORROW’S budget statement is rumoured to contain tax cuts, but will they save you money or are they politicised bullshit? A group of twats give their views.
Society
HAVING remained a mystery for centuries, a new dictionary has translated the various grunts and noises used by teenagers. Start understanding them with these entries.
BEING forced to react to an engagement ring? Learn how to bury your honest opinion with this guide.
THE snooze button on a man's phone allows him to repeat the most torturous part of the day again and again, it has emerged.
A MAN who unknowingly used his partner's mango and passion fruit shower gel is utterly disgusted at how delightful he smells.
FATHERS have called for birthday cards that stereotype them as lazy, useless drunks to be classified as hate speech.
MANY activities you do now would have made you a social pariah in your parents’ day, especially in middle-age. So cherish your freedom to do these pretty mundane things.
Lifestyle
A PORTLY middle-aged goth has confirmed there is a limit to the slimming capabilities of an all-black wardrobe.
CITY dwellers who relocated to the countryside for a quieter life find their friendly, helpful village neighbours an absolute pain in the backside.
A WOMAN is unable to sit backwards on a moving train for unspecified yet ominous reasons, it has emerged.
IN a jam and going nowhere fast? Here are five irrational acts that will have absolutely no f**king effect on your traffic situation.
TEENAGERS will try anything in a pathetic attempt at rebellion. And as everyone who went to school knows, even the dullest uniform can be used to prove you don’t give a f**k.
A WOMAN who knows that she is attractive has declared that she simply cannot understand why other women dislike her.
Sport
STILL longing for a worthy opponent, the undisputed champion of winner-stays-on pool has died at the table after 30 years of victories.
A WOMAN consoling her boyfriend over the loss of Terry Venables has asked how come England never won if he was so good.
FANS of Premier League clubs have agreed that if Manchester City win today’s match against Liverpool they may as well just call the whole season for them.
AN Everton fan has said the Premier League can deduct ten points but cannot take away the memories of his club's incredible last few years.
FOOTBALL fans have suggested that, since Saudi Arabia is going to host the World Cup in 2034, why not let the murdering pricks win the f**ker as well.
A COUNTRY beset by horrifying news on every front is trying to wrap itself in the warm glow of Manchester United being beaten three-nil by City.
Science & Technology
A DAD has left his phone torch on again, it has been confirmed.
A MAN has admitted he has no passwords left in him after years of using the internet.
CHECKING online reviews is a minefield of idiots, pricks with a vendetta, and people who are incapable of spelling anything longer than two letters. Like these.
ALL attendees at a computer literacy class for the over-70s are learning to use the internet so they can share their prejudices with the world.
EXPERTS agree with your mum that jabbing the screen with a single finger is the most effective method of text messaging.
A TEENAGE boy believes he is the coolest person in his university halls thanks to his arsenal of outdated digital downloads.
Arts & Entertainment
THE BBC is not allowed to raise the licence fee by £15 because, in Sunak’s Britain, such a sum could break any family. They should cancel this crap instead.
FEELING pressured to skim through subjective rankings of things you haven’t bothered to see or hear written by twats with nothing better to do?
A MAN has discovered his partner has terrible double standards about sex scenes that are not part of the popular TV show Bridgerton.
A DEVIOUS man has yet again told a friend he will watch a TV series they recommended despite having no intention of doing so.
IT’S the 40th anniversary of the Now That’s What I Call Music! compilations. Here are some tracks you’ll never forget, much as you’d like to, because fast-forwarding them was such a pain in the arse.
LAURENCE Fox has claimed accusations of racism scuppered his chances of being in a Batman film, but maybe he needs to set his sights a little lower. These parts would be ideal.
Business
A SUCCESSFUL entrepreneur has confessed that she neither has a working-class background or is prepared to make one up.
WANDERED into a curious little shop only to realise it sells nothing worth buying, you’re alone and the proprietor is staring at you? Here’s how to politely free yourself.
THE government has confirmed that it will make it impossible to travel between the north and south of the UK by totally f**king up the railways.
THE proprietor of a struggling American candy business only wishes money-laundering criminal syndicates were interested in his business.
WHEN staying alone in a hotel, a man powering through a five-figure deal must seize the opportunity for the breakfast of champions. Coco Pops.
A THIRD of 18 to 34-year-olds have been inappropriately texted by staff at takeaways or delivering parcels. Here’s a handy checklist to read before sending customers a picture of your cock.
Work
A MANAGER giving a presentation to 20 bored employees is under the misguided impression he is delivering a dazzling TED talk.
EMPLOYERS have confirmed they only consider giving the top roles to candidates with top grades in their religious studies GCSEs.
A WOMAN who has been absent on medical leave has return to the office with, to her co-workers’ surprise, significantly larger breasts.
HUMAN resources want to fully exploit their humans as a resource and for them to be happy about it. These are the contradictory messages you will get this week.
BEING told off in a constructive and professional manner by a manager who only wants to help is far worse than a red-faced bollocking, workers have agreed.
A CORPORATE worker is beginning to realise that her lanyard wields no power in the outside world.
Alcohol
DONCASTER is marking the 20th anniversary of wine being introduced to the city’s pubs, shops and supermarkets.
BRITISH women have triumphed against their gutless continental counterparts in the global race to be the best binge-drinkers.
A WOMAN who drank two bottles of red wine last night is determined to share her pain with everyone around her, it has emerged.
EVERYONE likes to slurp up a shot of tequila from a stripper’s belly button, but did you know you’ve been doing it wrong your whole life?
A GUEST from the US is enjoying a British celebration of Halloween without all the sobriety and costumed nonsense he’s used to.
GETTING pissed in the pub is beginner shit. Advanced drinkers should head to these places where it's weird to get half-cut, but still possible.
