Get drunk in front of the telly: five ways to mark a year of lockdown
ONE year to the day since the government locked down the UK, here’s how to mark the occasion without lifting a finger.
Six very obvious problems with believing in UFOs
A FORMER US intelligence director has said there are more UFO sightings than people realise. These are the questions you need to ignore to believe in one.
Why Boris is right to cut 10,000 troops but Keir Starmer wouldn’t be
AS A poppy-wearing patriot, you’d think I’d be furious about Boris cutting 10,000 soldiers. But it’s fine, though if Keir Starmer did the same it’d be treason.
Are you the winner of a year of lockdown?
One year of lockdown on, how many cliched lockdown activities can you tick off our list?
Germy bastard kids off sick already
CHILDREN who have only been back at school for two f**king weeks are already off sick, their parents have confirmed.
‘We’ll get you next time, Sturgeon!’ shout puce-faced furious Tories
THE Scottish Conservatives are crimson with rage after wily Nicola Sturgeon once again escaped justice by ‘doing nothing wrong’.
Are you entitled to a holiday abroad or are you not middle-class?
FOREIGN holidays may not be possible this summer. Are you already looking for loopholes to exercise your God-given right, or is your big shop not from Ocado?
How to land your dream short, bald guy
ARE you a gorgeous woman who dreams of nabbing your very own Danny DeVito?
Husband magically stops wife complaining by actually doing the thing she’s asked
A MAN has managed to get his wife to stop her incessant moaning by doing the thing she was asking him to do.
Thanks f**king loads, peaceful protestors tell Bristol
PROTESTORS against new laws that would effectively ban peaceful protest have thanked Bristol for throwing a f**king riot.
Do you need to drive up a residential street at 53mph or are you a massive wanker?
ARE you speeding to rescue a child from a burning building or does going really fast for 40 metres make you feel like Vin Diesel, knobhead?
A Tory MP explains how to have a perfectly normal Zoom background
AS CONSERVATIVE member for Eddisbury, the room Julian Cook Zooms in is full of perfectly ordinary Union Jacks and busts of Churchill.
Five heartwarming ideas for dealing with asylum seekers, by Priti Patel
HI, I'm Priti Patel. People think I'm a bully but I have a nice side too. Here are some empathetic ideas for managing asylum seekers that sound better than 'send them to the Isle of Man'.
Man makes error of joining in with girlfriend’s joke about her hair
A MAN has made the foolish mistake of joining in on his girlfriend's self-deprecating joke about how terrible her hair looks.
Six toys kids will play with for five minutes
WANT to amuse your children for up to 300 seconds? Buy them one of these hot items:
Downstairs toilet not for shitting in
A WOMAN has explained to her husband and two sons that the downstairs toilet is not suitable for them to do shits in.
47-year-old woman still terrified her mum will find out she smokes
A GROWN woman in her late 40s is scared stiff that her mother will find out she smokes.
Deluded husband believes himself good at foreplay
A WOMAN is at a loss over how to break it to her husband that he has been crap at foreplay for the last nine years.
Five spontaneous romantic acts that won’t save your relationship
LOVE life on the rocks? Need a quick fix? Try these romantic acts of spontaneity that will not help at all.
Achieving spiritual enlightenment: Five things easier than getting a mortgage
WANT to buy a house but can't face the gruelling process of applying for a mortgage? Try these incredibly difficult activities that are still easier than doing all that paperwork.
