Could Jason Momoa sort out Brexit? Probably not but just look how handsome he is
JASON Momoa. Actor, Aquaman and all round hunk - but could he sort out the Brexit mess? Probably not, but he is very handsome...
Kingfisher creeped out by man with binoculars
A KINGFISHER going about his day is feeling uncomfortable about being watched by a strange man with binoculars.
Typhoon is no reason to cancel a rugby match, says retired PE teacher
RUGBY World Cup officials who cancelled matches because of a typhoon a 'bunch of fairies', according to a retired PE teacher.
Four Strictly specials Britain actually wants to see
MOVIE Week, Hallowe’en Week, Killing-Time-Until-Christmas Week... There’s no end to Strictly’s crapulent theme nights, as we stomp on through a series that’s a about a month too long and 10 contestants too big. So what sort of Strictly special would actually be special?
How to get ‘the lads’ to join Extinction Rebellion by telling them it’s a stag do
YOU might be concerned about the climate crisis but your comfortable, SUV driving, cocaine sniffing mates couldn’t give two sh*ts. Turn them into activists by pretending it’s a stag do.
Five mysteries Coleen Rooney could solve the f**k out of
LEADING WAG detective Coleen Rooney has already unmasked Rebekah Vardy as pure evil, but what other historical mysteries could she solve?
Couple spice up sex life by having sex
A COUPLE have decided to spice things up in the bedroom by having sex.
The Remainer’s guide to what’s wrong with this whole ‘deal pathway’
BORIS Johnson claims to be able to see his way to a Brexit deal, which would leave you looking a right d*ck. Here’s how to find fault.
Playdates a cover for teatime p*ss-ups
PARENTS are using playdates as an excuse to get smashed in the afternoons, they have confirmed.
Man who is his own boss should have fired himself a year ago
A SELF-EMPLOYED man has confessed that the business he runs should really have let him go in 2018.
Should you get divorced or are you just hungry?
IS your marriage a hopeless, rotting husk that needs to be ended as soon as possible for everyone’s sake, or do you just need a toastie? Find out:
Woman mostly got pregnant for nine-month detox
A WOMAN has admitted that the main reason she is having a baby is to quit the booze for nine months.
Colleague going around sneezing and touching things
AN office worker is going around sneezing and then blatantly touching things, co-workers have confirmed.
Woman conducts annual ritual of signing up for half-marathon she won’t actually do
FOR the third year in a row a woman has paid the entry fee for a half-marathon she will not actually run.
Brexiter claims to remember fighting World War Two inside grandfather’s left testicle
A 49-YEAR-OLD Brexiter has justified saying ‘we’ won World War Two by claiming he remembers the fighting from inside his grandfather’s left boll*ck.
The Chronicles of Jacob Rees-Mogg
Being an Account of how a Gentleman may spend his Days, for the Edification of the Troglodytic Classes
Militant vegans dispersed with gentle gust of air
MILITANT vegans blockading the meat aisles of a supermarket have been scattered by a delicate but deliberate draught of air.
I’ll still go on holiday to Great Yarmouth, says £170 million-winning idiot
A TOTAL numpty who has won £170m on the lottery has claimed he will not let it change him, even though that is manifestly the whole point.
Public calls for ‘wankers only’ train carriages
TRAIN passengers have called for services to include a dedicated wanker carriage where wankers can go about their business in peace.
Cycling holiday brilliant for two whole miles
A COUPLE who thought a cycling holiday would be a wonderful adventure changed their minds after two miles of cycling.
