Entire country decides to leave things half-finished and f**k off
BRITONS have been inspired to just abandon what they were doing and f**k off.
I f**king love it, says Rees-Mogg
JACOB Rees-Mogg has called a press conference to say he has read the draft Brexit agreement and, against all expectations, absolutely loves it.
The mum’s guide to pretending your child is not a total little bastard
AS the parent of a toddler, do you feel your little angel can do no wrong? Here are some great ways of convincing people your child is not the embodiment of evil.
Man still thinks he’s slim
A MAN who has put on a fair bit of weight over the years still sees himself as a slim, attractive 20-something, it has emerged.
Nice couple sound like murderers when discussing their inheritance
A PLEASANT couple suddenly become very cold and calculating when talking about their elderly parents’ deaths, friends have revealed.
Dominic Raab to petrol bomb your house then petrol bomb the fire brigade
DOMINIC Raab has unveiled plans to throw petrol bombs at your house and then petrol bomb the fire engine as soon as it arrives.
How to be a nutter at your child’s football match
ARE you a super-competitive mum or dad who will not tolerate failure by your six-year-old’s football team? Here’s how to intervene in an unhinged way.
Shit finally completes 29-month journey towards fan
THE bucketful of shit first upended in June 2016 has finally completed its slow 29-month journey through the air and is now hitting the fan.
Northern Ireland re-named ‘West Belgium’ in Brexit deal
THE finalised Brexit deal imposes full EU rules on Northern Ireland, changes its official language to Flemish, bans religion and renames it West Belgium.
Having children in late thirties linked to enjoying more of your thirties
WOMEN who delay motherhood until their late thirties face an increased risk of having more years of freedom and fun, according to researchers.
What does your choice of disgusting herbal tea say about you?
Do you drink green tea because it’s good for you, even though it tastes like the boiled piss of the devil?
High roller has £102.40 in Nectar Points
A MAN feels he is doing pretty damn well in life due to his substantial wealth in Nectar points.
Sadomasochistic train company asks ‘how did we do?’
A HELLISH, self-loathing train company has emailed its passengers asking to be told just how shit they are.
Also, you shouldn’t have a milkshake with a cake in it because it doesn’t work, say experts
'FREAKSHAKES' should be banned because of their sugar content and because they are ridiculous and undrinkable, experts have confirmed.
What does your car say about whether you believe your car is your personality?
THE car you drive says a lot about you, if you’re one of those people who consider their car to be a core component of their self-image. But are you one of those people?
‘What vegans want is more pretend blood in their food’
CREATORS of a vegetarian burger that ‘bleeds’ are confident that meat-hating vegans are going to love it.
Contactless payment leaves bus drivers searching for new ways to be arseholes
BUS drivers have confirmed that the advent of contactless payment means they are frantically brainstorming new ways to be total arseholes.
A ‘freakshake’ is not Rees-Mogg being tasered, stress health campaigners
HEALTH campaigners have stressed that a 'freakshake' is not Jacob Rees-Mogg juddering uncontrollably as hundreds of volts surge through his body.
Is your partner a pain in the arse to sleep with?
IF you wake up knackered and irritable most mornings it’s possible your partner is an annoying bastard to sleep with. Take our test and find out.
A Brexit deal is tantalisingly close as long as the EU completely reverses its position overnight, by Theresa May
WE have entered the endgame for Brexit. These are the final days. And I am optimistic that a deal is possible within the next 48 hours as long as the EU completely reverses its position.
Idiot claims he can’t spot ‘fake news’ that’s obviously fake
A MAN keeps getting taken in by ‘fake news’ that is obviously dodgy to anyone with a semi-functioning brain.
