The Daily Mash

Freshers working hard on ridiculous personas

TEENAGERS about to start university are developing absurd new personalities in an attempt to seem interesting.
Man who can't stop talking boll*cks clearly ideal for Brexit negotiations

BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of bullsh*t is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.
'Predator' to win all film awards for 30th consecutive year

PREDATOR is set to continue its unbroken run of winning every film prize since 1988.
Berlin to send back thousands of British hipsters

BERLIN will return thousands of hipsters when Britain fully departs the EU, it has emerged.
No, really, what's the plan, though? May asked

THERESA May has been told that yesterday's speech was great fun but she now needs to announce the real Brexit plan.
Unstable friend now somehow a counsellor

A WOMAN with a chaotic personal life and a history of believing in total nonsense is now being paid to give people advice, shocked friends have revealed.

Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'

Dear Holly, Can you help me come up with an insult that is more accessible to the ignorant underclasses? Yours, Boris
Ask Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?

If Brexit happens the British people will no longer have access to Nutella or Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher, which would be nothing short of a CATASTROPHE.
Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

“After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying.”
Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

I’m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot
Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

Dear Holly,
The other day I got involved in an exchange of words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny to say, but by then it was too late.