Because I’m worth it, by Priti Patel
A THIRD of a million pounds has been paid out by government to protect me, home secretary Priti Patel. I’m worth 10 times that. Let me explain why.
A Boots meal deal: Five things NHS nurses can buy with an extra £3.50 a week
UNDER a proposed 1% pay rise, experienced NHS nurses could pocket a whopping £3.50 every single week. Here’s what they could blow their massive windfall on.
Six books arseholes always recommend to you
IF you’ve ever asked your friends for book recommendations, then you will almost certainly have had some prick suggest one of these titles.
‘No probs!’: Five phrases to hide your crushing disappointment
LIFE not going your way again? Feel yourself slipping into a pit of despair? Put on a happy face by using these feelgood phrases.
We’re buying a house so f**k you
RISHI Sunak’s new mortgage scheme could help younger people become smug homeowners. Here first-time buyer Charlotte Phelps is just f**king unbearable about it.
Detailed cat doodle on Post-it note biggest achievement of woman’s working day
THE sole accomplishment of an office worker’s day of faffing about working from home was a quite detailed drawing of her cat.
Sturgeon, Markle and the other most evil figures of British history: A Daily Mail guide
IT’S hard to believe, but even Great Britain has produced some bad characters. Here the Daily Mail explains which ones are the very worst.
Six incredibly stupid things you believed in the 1980s
AS a pre-internet child in the 1980s it was easy to believe any rubbish your friends - or your dad - told you. Here are some nonsensical things you firmly believed in.
Having a bath and other ‘relaxing’ experiences that are actually a massive faff
HAD a stressful day and looking to unwind? You’ll soon find these supposedly enjoyable activities are hugely overrated.
From celebrity chef to host of a shit game show: Gordon Ramsay in his own words
WITH lockdown keeping his restaurants shut, Gordon Ramsay has resorted to hosting a contrived BBC game show. Here he shares his views on it. (May contain swearing.)
Get a room, BBC and Rishi Sunak told
THE BBC has been urged to be more discreet about its ongoing infatuation with chancellor Rishi Sunak.
How to celebrate milestone birthdays in lockdown
REACHING a key birthday like 18, 30 or 50 under national lockdown? Here’s how to do your best to celebrate.
Are you tough enough to be a member of the armchair SAS?
THE SAS holds an enduring fascination for civilian fantasists reading books about being hard. But could you pass the gruelling recruitment process to join their ranks?
How to redecorate on a budget, by Carrie Symonds
WANT to spruce up the drab shoebox you sleep and shit in, but low on funds? Let prime ministerial consort Carrie Symonds explains how:
Eating one apple cancels out full day of junk food
NUTRITIONISTS have agreed that consumption of a single piece of fruit means that any junk food or alcohol ingested subsequently is biologically null and void.
Six email phrases to bring all work to a grinding halt
CONCERNED you may be accomplishing too much at work? Try these ways to make every email utterly gear-jamming while remaining beyond reproach.
Budget 2021: Are you a winner, a loser or just a twat in general?
ARE you concerned about how today’s budget will affect you, but also worried that makes you a petty, penny-pinching bellend?
The Mail on Sunday’s sarcastic apology to Meghan Markle
THE Duchess of Sussex has demanded a front page apology from the Mail on Sunday after winning her court case against them. Here’s how they’ll do it.
How to survive your elderly parents getting a new phone
ARE you kindly helping your ageing parents get ‘one of these Smart Phones’? Here’s how to keep your blood pressure at safe levels.
Why it’s fine for me to borrow shitloads of cash but not you, by Rishi Sunak
HI, BOY billionaire Rishi Sunak here, ready to accept praise for borrowing tens of billions with no clear plan to pay it back. But don’t you dare do the same.
