THE government is to continue sensibly and responsibly restoring the UK’s economy post-lockdown by giving every citizen six grams of cocaine.

FANS of the Conservative party are already speculating as to how they will top the last two weekends’ big old f**k-ups next weekend.

LAURA Kuenssberg’s interview with the prime minister’s former SPAD was packed with explosive revelations we already knew. Here’s what he should have been asked:

RETIRED grease trap cleaner Roy Hobbs is obsessed with migrants and regularly goes spotting on the Kent coast. He explains his rewarding hobby.

THE prime minister only requested a face-to-face meeting with the Queen during the pandemic to ensure his vision was okay, he has confirmed.

PISSED off about having to self-isolate whilst I’ve done everything I can to try and weasel out of it? Here’s why double standards are perfectly acceptable.

THE English language is complex so it's easy to make mistakes. But these mangled phrases are never acceptable.

GORGEOUS people are better than you, and deserve to live in a world without consequences. Here’s some of the bullshit behaviour they can get away with that us regular uggos can’t:

WONDERING why you’re seeing shoppers clear supermarket shelves despite explicitly being told they don’t have to? That’s because their panicked brains heard these thoughts instead.

A MAN who had only just worked his way through last year’s stockpiled pasta is now wearily heading out to buy another carful. 

THE end of the school year is here, and with it your child staggering home under the weight of all this crap.

THE requirement to socially distance ends today: here are some of the arseholes who are immediately going to be up in your grill.

TRAINERS are the new fine art, and like most fine art they’re f**king ugly. Here’s how to invest in shit-looking footwear that will appreciate in value.

DESPITE rarely wearing a hat previously, 32-year-old Jordan Gardner has taken to wearing one on all occasions. But is it a style choice or is he hiding baldness?

THANKS to Covid, even Britain’s least desirable tourist towns are totally booked up. Where could you go instead?

CHILDREN play for an average of 3.3 minutes in paddling pools that their parents spent all morning filling up, it has emerged. 

IF you’re an overweight, overconfident man and you’re outdoors, it’s time to get that shirt off and flaunt that impressive belly. Here are some tips on how best to do it:

A MAN watching lycra-clad people perform some physical bollocks according to impenetrable rules is pretty confident this must be the Olympics.

A MIDDLE-AGED man is convinced he could be an Olympic athlete if he was essentially a completely different person, it has emerged.

ENGLAND didn’t win, but the country really felt it had achieved something these past weeks only to be forcibly reminded it hadn’t. These bastards have ruined it.

GUTTED England fans will largely spend today listlessly doing menial tasks in between muttering ‘f**king hell’.

THE final? No chance we’ll muff it, says 19-year-old Ryan Whittaker, born six years after England ripped fans’ hearts out in 1996. Here he explains:

TONIGHT'S the night. Been lucky enough to snag a table down your local boozer? Here’s how to ruin it for everyone else.

AMAZON boss Jeff Bezos is blasting into space, and there’s surely no reason to be suspicious about what the f**k he’ll do while he’s there. But why is he going?

CHILDREN’S curiosity is a wonderful thing, until you’re required to provide the answers. These basic questions will baffle you.

LIFE is full of mysteries, but some of it is bleeding obvious. Here are some of the f**king stupid questions that end up being googled...

SMARTPHONES are incredibly intelligent pieces of technology which put the world at your fingertips. Here are some ways to use them like an absolute twat.

EVER wondered what conclusions people draw about you based on your email address? Here’s what they think when you turn up in their inbox.

INBOX constantly stuffed to bursting with irritating promotional emails? You'll be familiar with these...

TEMPTED to go clubbing now they've reopened? Remind yourself of their horrific denizens and think again.

DOES your mum's passion for music eclipse her knowledge of lyrics? Here are some songs she loves to sing - in her own inimitable way…

HISTORIANS love telling us 5,000-year-old civilisations were more advanced than we’ll ever be. But did they have telly? No. This is what they would have binge-watched.

THE only people allowed to see live music by September will be middle-aged men who respectfully enjoy the music without any fuss, as it should be.

THE summer blockbuster trend kicked off with Jaws in 1975, and ever since we’ve been deluged with shit. You were tricked into seeing all these.

LOVE history? Don't care about it being 100 per cent correct, or even half correct? Here are five stories we didn’t fact check at all.

VISITING a chi-chi little town? Here are six absurdly niche shops you’ll find there and only there.

DO you want to make money without having anything of actual merit to sell? Try flogging these toys to gullible kids.

A MAN is getting constant, eager updates from a delivery company advising him on the precise whereabouts of his parcel.

ARE you a British business keen to let LGBT+ customers and staff know that they’re special for one month only? Here are the best ways to be an ally.

WETHERSPOONS boss Tim Martin has urged the government to set up some sort of ‘Union of Europe’ to solve his shortage of pub staff. 

CLOTHING shops have reminded all their customers that they are now fat bastards so should buy their clothes accordingly.