Your guide to coping with a partner who’s an embarrassing twat
ARE you in a long-term relationship with someone you’ve realised is an embarrassing twat? Here are some common problems and what to do about them.
Actual working class family insulted to be called working class
A WORKING class family have said they are not keen on the term, unlike middle class people who like to call themselves that.
Dad uses 34 metaphors in three-minute sex talk
A DAD believes no confusion has been caused by using 34 metaphors during a talk about sex with his son.
Government to reward catching Covid with fabulous cash prize
ANYONE who catches Covid is to be rewarded for their efforts with £500, cash in hand, no questions asked, to spend on whatever they want.
How to spice up your relationship with your right hand
HAS the spark fizzled out between you and your dominant hand? Turn up the heat in the bedroom with these saucy tips.
How to be a badass while self-isolating, by Matt Hancock
YO. Matt here. You may have noticed I consider myself pretty damn cool. So after my Covid scare, here’s how I’m self-isolating with ATTITUDE. Party on, dudes!
Boris Johnson’s first grovelling call to the White House: A transcript
THE prime minister will be wasting no time sucking up to newly sworn-in president Joe Biden. Here is a transcript of their first conversation today.
The Brexiter’s guide to contradicting yourself
DO you worry that your arguments sometimes conflict with what you said moments earlier? Don’t worry - here Brexiter Martin Bishop explains how to hold two contradictory views.
Insurer disgusted by suggestion it might have to ‘pay out’ over floods
AN insurance company is horrified by the suggestion that it might ‘pay out’ to ‘claimants’ on its ‘policies’.
Your guide to the dangers of working from bed
CELEBS like Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen and Keeley Hawes have revealed they like to work from bed. But what are the hidden dangers? Here is a guide every homeworker should read.
Warhammer, Doctor Who and Judge Dredd obsessive sees himself as a ‘triple threat’
AN expert in three fields of geek subculture thinks of himself as a ‘triple threat’ to both fellow dorks and the hearts of women.
Three big houses in Grimsby, and other things you could buy for the price of a London property
THE average house price in London is now £500,000 and that will only bag you a pokey little flat. Here are some better ways to spend your money.
Remembering four years of bullshit: take our commemorative Trump quiz
HE’S without doubt the greatest president ever, beating even Richard Nixon and George W. Bush. But what do you remember about Trump’s four years at the helm?
What to do if you’re a British crab who can’t get to the EU
POST-BREXIT, plucky British crabs are being refused entry to the EU because of petty rules about live animal imports that prove we were right to leave. What could they do?
Home-schooling mum reporting herself to Ofsted
A MOTHER attempting to teach her children at home has reported herself to Ofsted as ‘inadequate’.
The QAnon supporter’s guide to pretending it’s not all bollocks
ARE your ludicrous QAnon conspiracy theories crumbling around you as Trump leaves office? Here’s how to pretend you expected this all along.
Cocky motorists to drive into unexpectedly deep floods
BRITAIN’S idiot drivers have vowed to try their luck at driving through floodwater after having a guess at how deep it is.
How to live like a king on your extra £20 of Universal Credit
THE £20-per-week rise in Universal Credit for the pandemic cannot last forever, because we do not deserve it. Here’s how to flash that cash while it lasts.
How to make everything into a drama, by a three year-old
YOGHURT the wrong way round? Given a spoon you don’t like? Make it into a massive drama with this handy guide.
‘Gwyneth fanny candle explosion’ is a sentence that makes sense in 2021
THE sentence ‘Gwyneth fanny candle explosion’ is one that makes perfect sense to people in the dystopia of 2021.
