MY BROTHERS and their birds. God, by way of the Prophet Farage, has revealed unto me, Roy Hobbs, the rules by which we must live our lives.

ONE of the hundreds of white suit-wearing male Conservative MPs in his 50s has admitted that to him all Asians look the same.

THE public has been exposed to so much bullshit over the last year that nobody is surprised or depressed by it anymore.

WORDS can be difficult, especially if you didn’t go to Cambridge like I did. Here’s my explanation of words people don’t understand, but I do.

A BORED Boris Johnson told Britain to ‘build back beaver’ and ‘build back burger’ for shits and giggles yesterday. What else could the verbose bastard have said?

DO you secretly regret your former zeal for kicking out all foreigners because you like petrol and ham? Here’s how to admit it without losing face.

A SURREY man has returned from a trip to Manchester with outlandish stories of it being 'alright actually' and 'quite like London'.

Britain. Not enough respect I get from you. You want the gas, this winter? You want cosy and warm-warm? This is what I get from you.

CARE home workers, delivery drivers and warehouse operatives are putting their hands in their pockets for MPs on a pitiful £82,000 a year. 

A TEENAGE girl is reeling from the bombshell that she will get old and become an arsehole just like her parents.

THE fuel crisis is now only affecting motorists in London and south-east England or as the rest of Britain terms them ‘twats’, retailers have confirmed.

A GROWN man is feeling intimidated by a group of teenagers who have not even noticed he is there.

A TEENAGE boy has announced his intention to have a radical growth spurt that will render his school uniform redundant by half-term.

ARE you worryingly close to the age of 50? Here’s how you’ll suddenly realise you’re really quite old.

ASIDE from feeling superior, the best perk of being vegetarian is repeatedly being asked these inane questions...

TOO tired or lazy to be a parent? These are the mindless YouTube videos raising your kids for you.

DOES your mum strangely think eating food in the street marks you out as incredibly common and lacking in decorum? Here are  some things that will bring out her raging inner snob.

ONCE you turn 30 you’re boring and only boring things thrill you. These are the punishingly dull things you now find fascinating.

THE rulers of Afghanistan are to buy out Middlesbrough FC for £320 million, the Premier League has confirmed.

REMAINERS have admitted that unprecendented British sporting success the first summer after Brexit is not doing their cause any favours.

THERE are many reasons the education secretary could have confused Rashford and Itoje, and none of them were because they are both black. It was probably one of these:

RONALDO is an absolutely crap transfer for Manchester United who’ve proved what a total desperate mess they are, as fans of other teams explain.

WANT to annoy the hell out of people who don't give two shits that the football season has started again? Try these tactics.

SOME football shirts indicate that you’re a twat from a mile off. If you’re a fan of one of these clubs know that you’re judged by everyone.

A FATHER has printed out a meme and distributed it by post because he thinks that is how they work.

THE world’s population has been left struggling to function after a six-hour blockage of the pipes that spew bullshit into their faces 24-7.

YOUR child’s room is a shit tip, but their Minecraft inventory is meticulously organised into elements, ores and enchanted bullshit.

DRIVERS of electric vehicles are being asphyxiated by their own toxic smugness during the fuel crisis, it has emerged.

AUDI'S driverless cars will be specially programmed to treat other road users just as badly as current Audi drivers.

AT some point we all need an expensive expert to help us. Here are five people who can shaft you, and there's nothing you can do.

EVERY married women in the UK has filed for divorce after hearing new Adele song Easy On Me.

YOU are never going to read that book. Ever. You'll just use it to balance your phone on while watching Squid Game. But what type of unreadable is it?

ROMANCE novels contain descriptions that are good on the page but would be horrifying in real life. Here are six descriptors you don't want to encounter:

HAVEN'T watched Squid Game? Stuck in another sodding conversation about it? Bluff your way through with our guide.

THE music industry is booming, not that you'd know. Here are the monumentally famous artists passing you by.

YVETTE Fielding has claimed on GMTV that the obviously bollocks ghost show Most Haunted was real. Here’s more televisual nonsense you sat through uncritically.

TESCO Metro has unveiled a new slogan that reflects the half-arsed shopping habits of its customers.

THE Pandora Papers have revealed that you are the only person in the entire world paying their fair share of taxes and everyone is laughing at you.

ENERGY firms facing bankruptcy due to soaring bills have been patronisingly advised that a prepayment meter would control their spending.

NOBODY'S using trains because they're expensive as f**k and always late. Here's what they'd have to do to be more appealing.

WETHERSPOONS boss Tim Martin has confirmed that when he finds out who f**ked up his business by taking his beer and chefs away, they are dead.

IS your once-bustling high street now a parade of empty shops and broken dreams? Here are five ideas to bring life back to your city centre.

LOVE the thrill of a mutual connection? Entrepreneur and leadership yogi Bill McKay explains how to live through LinkedIn.

A HIGH-FLYING career woman has only climbed the corporate ladder to escape her tedious husband and whining kids.

A MODEL new employee is planning to unleash her true self the second day her probation period is over.

BACK at school, you told your careers officer what you wanted to do. Two decades later, this is what you’re doing. How did it work out?

A COMPANY’S itinerary for their team-building day away from the office has all the components of a normal, tedious working day.

THE lunchbreak is an oasis of free time in a dull, unrewarding working day. Waste that precious break like a pro.

DAILY Mash readers who hate adverts and love getting shitfaced while someone else buys the beers have been offered an incredible deal.

A COMPLETE bastard enjoys nothing more than explaining what a wasted dick you were the night before.

QUITTING alcohol for a month will bring huge health benefits, but what about the damage it will do to your weekends? Count the cost here.

THERE were times in primary school when your teacher was clearly suffering the after-effects of a rough night - you were just too young to notice these tell-tale tricks.

THIS weekend marks the official end of Britain’s relaxed, airy summer drinking and the beginning of a hard winter of grim-faced serious drinking.  

DRINKING three glasses of red wine a week is good for your health, according to new research. Functioning alcoholic Donna Sheridan gives her misinterpretation: