The Daily Mash

‘I’m not Trump,’ says Trump

DONALD Trump has denied being this ‘President Trump’ who has apparently done something bad.

Man thinks not liking things is the same as having a personality

A MAN thinks disliking popular stuff makes him interesting, it has emerged.

Totally chaotic, f**ked-up mess of a family to get third dog

A FAMILY that exists in a state of filthy chaos has agreed that it would be great to get a third dog.

Work anniversaries are not a thing, world informs LinkedIn

HUMANS do not celebrate the anniversary of getting their job, the world has told LinkedIn.

Woman whose boyfriend says he likes ‘natural look’ to stop washing

A WOMAN whose boyfriend claims he likes women who look ‘natural’ is going to stop washing her hair and shaving her toes, she has confirmed.

Time-travelling smartarse ‘is terrible role model for children’

DOCTOR Who is a totally unrealistic and quite annoying role model for children, parents have realised.

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I’ve met some dickheads in my time but wow, says Queen

THE Queen is marvelling that, after 66 years on the throne, she has just met the biggest knobhead of her reign so far.

Wetherspoon unveils ‘Brexit Chaos’ breakfast

WETHERSPOON has unveiled its new 'Brexit Chaos' breakfast, which includes an unknown quantity of vague, ever-changing ingredients.

Homeworker wakes up two hours early to switch on bastard laptop

A HOMEWORKER is to get up at 6am to switch on her fucking laptop so it will be ready to use by about half-eight.

Can you tell which film your mum is trying to describe?

MUMS often recommend films but without being able to remember any key details. Can you decipher these mum film descriptions?

Second EU referendum to include ‘Are you an idiot?’ question

ANOTHER vote on leaving the EU should include questions designed to weed out total idiots, it has been claimed.

Elon Musk flounces off to Mars in a huff

ELON Musk has confirmed plans to go off to Mars in a strop.

Hoity-toity north-west lords it over rest of Britain with fancy hosepipe ban

SMUG homeowners in Cheshire and Lancashire are showing off to the rest of the UK about their highly exclusive hosepipe ban.

Badly-planned Tour de France route full of hills

SHOCKED Tour de France competitors have discovered that poor planning has led to a very mountainous route.

Nobody on Tinder into getting shitfaced and eating crisps in front of telly

EVERYONE on Tinder is into hiking and surfing and nobody is into getting smashed and chomping Pringles while watching crap, users skeptically report.

Whole carriage overjoyed as man running for train narrowly misses it

PASSENGERS on a train are rejoicing after a man desperately running to catch it failed to do so.

Shop assistant asking if you ‘need any help’ definitely thinks you’re going to nick something

SHOP assistants asking if you 'need any help' definitely suspect you of shoplifting, it has been revealed.

Trump nervously gives Putin list of people he’d like killed

PRESIDENT Trump has nervously given Putin a handwritten list of all the people he would like to have killed.

Non-football fans emerge from underground bunkers

PEOPLE who are not interested in football have emerged from their underground shelters.

Mates stage intervention for friend who quit drinking

A MAN who has given up drinking has been confronted with the risks and ramifications of his decision in a dramatic intervention by his friends.

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Berlin to send back thousands of British hipsters

BERLIN will return thousands of hipsters when Britain leaves the EU, it has emerged.
Man who can't stop talking shite clearly ideal for important negotiations

BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of bullshit is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.
No, really, what's the plan, though? May asked

THERESA May has been told that yesterday's speech was great fun but she now needs to announce the real Brexit plan.
Unstable friend now somehow a counsellor

A WOMAN with a chaotic personal life and a history of believing in total nonsense is now being paid to give people advice, shocked friends have revealed.
Bus driver wrongly thanked for bus journey

A BUS driver has been wrongly thanked at the end of a bus journey, it has emerged.
Lobster can't believe he ended up in bloody Lidl

A LOBSTER is dismayed to have ended up in the frozen food section of Lidl, he has confirmed.

Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'

Dear Holly, Can you help me come up with an insult that is more accessible to the ignorant underclasses? Yours, Boris
Ask Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?

If Brexit happens the British people will no longer have access to Nutella or Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher, which would be nothing short of a CATASTROPHE.
Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

“After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying.”
Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

I’m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot
Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

Dear Holly,
The other day I got involved in an exchange of words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny to say, but by then it was too late.

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Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'

Ask Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?

Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

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