Wife in race against time to locate and destroy guitar
A WOMAN is desperately searching the house to find her husband’s acoustic guitar and destroy it before he remembers it exists.
Take the government’s COVID-19 test
DO YOU have COVID-19? Take the official government multiple-choice test and find out.
Everything on telly now making woman horny
A SINGLE woman in lockdown has admitted that she is now even getting sexually excited at This Morning.
Co-workers realise their friendship was entirely based on proximity
A PAIR of extremely close co-workers have realised that they are no longer friends now they do not sit together.
How to pandemic-proof your partner’s career
WITH the pandemic destroying whole industries, getting your partner into a boring but steady job is the only way to keep you in bog roll and broadband. Follow these tips.
Kids physically fit but talking in working-class accents
CHILDREN taking daily PE lessons with Joe Wicks are physically healthy but at least 30 per cent more common, parents have reported.
Hug and handshake ban ‘no problem whatsoever,’ say Sunderland men
THE men of Sunderland have assured the UK of their absolute compliance when it comes to social distancing.
Humans more excited for walkies than dogs
THE owners of dogs are now more excited than their pets about the prospect of walkies.
Six people it’s a blessing not to have heard from in the current crisis
AS CORONAVIRUS has shown, things can always get worse. For example, if any of these six spoke up.
Britain struggling to cope with exponential rise in WhatsApp messages
THE UK is not succeeding at flattening the curve of the number of WhatsApps it is receiving, it has admitted.
How to outdo other families while never leaving home
THERE’S no lockdown on passive-aggressive one-upmanship, so here’s how to outdo the Joneses without leaving the house.
Man shouts at ducks for flouting lockdown rules
A MAN has verbally abused a small group of ducks in his local park for flouting coronavirus lockdown rules.
Single man looking for woman who enjoys long video calls, sexting, and moving in together after a fortnight
A SINGLE man is looking for a partner who is open to an initially non-physical relationship, escalating dependency and living together within two weeks.
Six things to do with your hands now you can’t touch your face
SINCE coronavirus has put an end to the joy of touching your face 23 times an hour, here are six other things to do with your hands.
Second home owners admit they didn’t know locals were real people
BRITONS who have fled to their second homes have confessed they had no idea that the locals they saw there were actual existing people.
Social distancing doesn’t apply to us, joggers confirm
MAINTAINING a distance of two metres from other people applies to everyone except joggers, joggers have agreed.
How to make it look like you’re shopping for essentials
POPPING to the shops but worried police will judge your beer and crisps non-essential? Try these to make your basket purposed and focused.
Shelf-stacker going to work with picture of sweetheart in his pocket
A 19-YEAR-OLD Lidl employee is keeping a photo in his pocket of the sweetheart he will marry when this madness is over.
Seven previously innocuous phrases that now strike dread into your heart
NO, not just ‘I can’t shake this cough’ – here are the other once-innocent phrases that now fill you with terror.
Your month-by-month guide to how you’ll cope until October
EXPERTS have warned that Britain may be under partial lockdown for the next six months. Here’s how it will go.
