KEIR Starmer purred down the phone to President Trump that he is willing to do anything, ‘and I do mean anything’ to get the special relationship back in track.

THE UK has been humiliated on the world stage for not having the same mighty Royal Navy it had a century ago. What are you doing to help out?

THE chancellor delivered a budget update yesterday, and only actual war stopped this being the most apocalyptic event the world has ever known. Why must she resign?

DONALD Trump has been commended for recognising that Keir Starmer is not Winston Churchill because his modern counterpart is Lib Dem leader Ed Davey.

BANKNOTES will soon feature British wildlife after the public were consulted on the idea. But is it wise to ask a nation full of idiots who’d be happy with shit like this on their money?

EVERY arsehole you have the misfortune to speak to now aggressively calls you ‘buddy’, Britain has confirmed.

LONDON is the most dangerous place in the country according to your mother who last visited in 1981 for the Royal Wedding. This is what she thinks happens there.

WAR with Iran is disrupting fuel supplies worldwide, with the RAC urging Britons to drive less. Unfortunately impossible when you have to make critical journeys like these.

A RESIDENT of an irrelevant hamlet was apoplectic you were so ignorant as to mispronounce its name while seizing the opportunity to correct you.

THE death of a boy’s grandmother has provided a timely opportunity to prepare for the loss of his beloved cat.

MORE and more places are welcoming dogs these days, but society still has a long way to go. Here are just six of the places I should obviously be allowed to take my gorgeous little fur baby.

DO you sometimes have to ensure your elderly parents attend a family event, keep a doctor’s appointment or simply come to visit? Here is the painful process step-by-step.

YOUNG people worldwide are now obsessed with emulating the cultural habits of the Scots, it has emerged.

NEIGHBOURS acting like they do it loads more than you? Concerned Evri delivery drivers think of their address as ‘the hot one’? Assert otherwise with these tips.

YOUR boisterous, irrepressible dog is fun and full of character. Everyone you meet definitely feels the same way, so it’s fine to do the following.

A MAN is completely fine with his girlfriend sharing graphic details of her many previous sexual exploits, he has claimed.

THERE she is, waiting for her coffee order as if she’s done nothing wrong knowing full well your boyfriend would be all over her if he were here, which he isn’t. Here’s how to cope.

A COUPLE meeting up for the third time have already exhausted all the entertaining anecdotes they have to share.

THAT night of slippery anal the two of you haven't discussed since? Shared over brunch, complete with hand gestures. Here's how to acknowledge that.

A WOMAN who really believes her boyfriend is faithful just wants to innocently scour all of his communications, she has confirmed.

A MAN has justified his personal desire to have sex with lots of women by explaining that men were evolutionarily designed to sleep around.

IT would just be like so wrong to deprive teenagers like me of my socials because I have grew up with it and there is all what you learn from it, right?

BELIEVE the only reason you’re not winning women over with your dick pics is the lack of artistry? Follow these tips to become the David Bailey of the penis portrait.

A GLOBAL shortage of memory chips driven by AI demand means many items will no longer be so freely available. Our tech expert explains why that’s fine.

HUMANITY has always known that, once a sentient AI was created, it would take over the world. But it never knew why, and nor did I until this stripping ban.

THE UK is to ban social media for anyone under 16 and anyone over 18, leaving a two-year window to make an absolute twat of yourself online.

INSPIRATIONALLY, I spent last night watching man-on-man romance and writing breathless fan fiction about it. Because I am a woman and my sexuality is radical.

NOT content with shots fired at opera and ballet, actor Timothée Chalamet has decided a number of other art forms are shite and for wankers, including these...

THERE are times when a man needs to take the stage wearing nothing but his Fender Stratocaster to really lap up those cheers. These performers did it bollock-naked.

IT'S claimed that your urge to discover new music stops after 30. Have you really become a tedious old music reactionary, or are a lot of new acts a bit crap, like these?

THE price of concert tickets will now be reduced based on how many tracks from their new album nobody gives a f**k about the audience has to endure.

NETFLIX have ended their partnership with Meghan Markle after her show failed to be a compelling glimpse of her life or even her jam. These are the leaked emails.

PETE Tong, once the Pied Piper of the rave generation, is now 65 and still doing it. And DJ isn’t the only job it’s tricky to be old and wizened in, as these celebs have learned.

MPS and establishment figures are jockeying to say what an awful person Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is now it is safe to do so. Here are a few of them.

THE arrest of Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor means it is open season on any and all Royals. Who are you hoping to see convicted?

TRUMP has used the death of Jesse Jackson to be mildly racist, mention himself and attack Barack Obama. Here are more of his tributes to the recently deceased.

ATTENDING an online seminar is a fantastic opportunity to get stuff done while some arsehole is droning on about bullshit, research has found.

A MAN who accidentally ticked a box saying he was gay on his equalities form now feels compelled to go along with it, to be an ally.

AN army of retired old bastards with nothing better to do but sit at home resenting your working at home wants legislation to stop you.

NIGEL Farage has appealed to morons this week by calling for an end to working from home. Here’s why it isn’t as bad as he fears.

ARE you unsure if your colleagues are genuinely sad to see you go? If you received any of these leaving presents, the answer is ‘no’.

A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.

BRITAIN’S pubs are on the brink of collapse. You must do your bit to save them by drinking heavily during the day, and more.

BURNS Night is this Sunday, and if you’re thinking that provides a solid excuse to get smashed in January you’re half Scottish already. This is how to do it.