EXPRESSING your desire to take things up a notch in the bedroom when you’re wide awake with faith in your libido and/or dick is only the first step.
A MAN who learned nothing from the charlatans and liars who brought him a Brexit that improved his life not even slightly is excited to vote for Reform.
A 63-YEAR-OLD man has explained to his grandchildren that once, Liverpool were just as successful and twatty about it as Manchester City are today.
CARING husband Stephen Malley has noticed his wife is struggling to balance work and childcare and, like a hero, has come up with a gorgeous Mediterranean solution.
Following Red Light Spells Danger with Get Outta My Dreams, Get into My Car is Billy Ocean telling you he’s fighting an unsuccessful battle against picking up streetwalkers.
HELLO, I’m Wayne Hayes and there isn’t a service station I’ve haven’t visited in my well-maintained Dacia Sandero. These are indisputably the best.
EVERYONE who is anyone is at the funeral of Pope Francis today, except you. What happened to your invite?
THE late Pope Francis has been posthumously named as Pope of the Year by Time Magazine.
Politics
Liz Truss, Britain’s most condensed prime minister, is launching a social media network for uncensored free speech. And we, as a nation, have a moral duty to join.
THEY come in all varieties, in a host of little outfits, they’re very collectable and they bring me joy. So why does everyone have to carp about my collection of Reform UK dolls?
A DISGRUNTLED Nigel Farage has complained that nobody informed him MPs could be called into Parliament on Saturdays at short notice.
THANKS to Donald Trump, tariffs have been big news for the past couple of weeks. They're clearly very important, but have you gained any understanding about how they work yet?
Society
THE world is mourning Pope Francis, but how does he stand up against your own top ten pontiffs? We check the rankings.
YESTERDAY’S Supreme Court decision means nothing to me. I still have no idea what characteristics could possibly constitute a woman, and I’m proud of it.
A GROUP of online misogynists have been introduced to an actual woman for the first time.
TRUMP’S tariffs are causing economic chaos, but stupid financial decisions closer to home might be the real reason you’re broke. Here are some you keep imposing on yourself.
Lifestyle
AN OPPORTUNISTIC wedding planner is earning up to £2,400 per wedding for providing couples with a bespoke day identical to every other one.
A MAN obviously considers his beard and moustache to be the best thing he has ever done with his life, and may sadly be correct.
A MAN’S internal biological rhythms are telling him it is time to become a dad who does the absolute bare minimum.
A MAN openly smoking crack on the London Underground has made the news. It’s already known for its nutters, gangs and perverts, so how should you annoy and horrify passengers in your own inimitable way?
I GET it. Women on apps expect a man of my age to have settled down. The ones aged 24 to 29 anyway. I don’t know what ones over 30 would say. They’re not in my Tinder age range
MOVING house is widely acknowledged as the only way to live in a different house, but is it worth it? Or should you slump on the sofa looking as a wall you hate forever?
Sport
FOOTBALL fans from chic, sophisticated Paris are currently in Birmingham due to a foul quirk of the Champions League.
GARETH Southgate believes all young people should miss a crucial penalty at a major football championship as a learning experience.
NEW England manager Thomas Tuchel has chosen the same tired old players who lost the last two Euros finals. Who should he have picked instead?
THOUSANDS of Cheltenham attendees are discovering that understanding horse-racing through a blur of cocaine and alcohol is impossible.
Science & Technology
THE matriarch of a xenomorph hive is to join Katy Perry on today’s all-female space launch, it has been confirmed.
A UK-based bellend is frustrated he cannot advertise his credentials as his area’s leading arsehole by driving a Tesla Cybertruck.
TEENAGERS have asserted there is no way anyone could ban their phones or social media because they have no idea.
THE government believes AI will save Britain, but before hopping on this particular bandwagon, maybe it should consider these glaring issues?
Arts & Entertainment
SUMMER is approaching, and with it music festivals booking legacy acts for lazy nostalgia draws. These acts will stretch out their 15 minutes of fame for an excruciating 40.
BORED of chocolate eggs and Jesus? Why not watch someone nailed to the floor of an East End warehouse instead? Here are some questionable family movies for the Easter weekend.
EVERY single ride at the UK’s Universal theme park will be based on bawdy films laced with tortuous double entendres, it has emerged.
SABRINA Carpenter has been criticised for simulating oral sex onstage despite her young fanbase. But her concerts could be a valuable learning experience if she just portrays sex realistically. Like this…
A WOMAN who had never been to a musical before had no idea they were quite so awful, she has admitted.
A BUSKER has been disappointed to find that angsty, melancholic dirges are not the best way to solicit money from the average small-town shopper.
Business
THE UK is re-examining its long-held belief that allowing foreign billionaires to control every aspect of its daily life is a simply brilliant idea.
HIGH street WH Smith shops will be renamed TGJones after a £76 million buyout. Do you have an alternative name?
THE UK has admitted it has never heard of the ‘Aloo-min-um’ the US is supposedly imposing a 25 per cent tariff on.
THE government is open to the private sector’s involvement in assisted dying, and these brands you know and love are eying the profits.
Work
AN office worker is struggling to remember how to look busy while accomplishing nothing after four days of total leisure.
‘YOU’RE fired’ is so harsh and Trumpian. A caring workplace focused on your wellbeing will use these euphemisms to soften the blow.
A WOMAN given a new role and job title is unsure whether she is being recognised for her outstanding work or treated like a prize twat.
THE customer contact teams at all Heathrow-based airlines have been given a surprise Friday off to spend at their leisure.
TOUGH decisions about who is deserving of disability benefits and who is not are to be outsourced to solid, dependable daytime drinkers.
A QUARTER of young people are not even bothered about working and are probably going to I dunno, hang out in a forest and shit working on their art, they have claimed.
Alcohol
MOCKED as the alcoholic beverages of choice for builders and bus-stop pissheads, these drinks are ripe for gentrification in Shoreditch pop-up bars.
EASTER is less popular with Brits than Christmas or other bank holidays because it’s not a licence to get totally shitfaced. Here’s how to liven it up with games involving alcohol abuse.
REGULARS at a pub quiz have confirmed it is a battle arena at which they release their repressed masculinity via knowledge of trivia.
A MAN who ordered a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc for the table is completely confident in his heterosexuality, it has emerged.
A MAN has put on a hat shaped like a giant Guinness pint resting on a shamrock brim with the reverence it deserves.
