I’m A Celebrity UK bushtucker trials to include signing up for Universal Credit
THE CHALLENGES set for celebrities in the UK-based of I'm A Celebrity will include surviving a night out in Cardiff and queuing for three hours for the tip.
UK enjoying lovely day of hot weather while all hot weather activities banned
BRITAIN is looking forward to another day of sweltering weather with all swimming pools closed, beaches overcrowded, and beer gardens dicey at best.
How to justify your pissed, expensive 2am eBay purchases
OH dear, you’ve just drunkenly bought overpriced tat that you'll never use from eBay again, haven’t you? Clear your conscience with these tips:
Ponciest areas of London placed in permanent lockdown
THE ponciest areas of London are to be placed in permanent lockdown, it has been confirmed.
Man finds going to pub too pleasant now
A MAN is disappointed by the post-lockdown pub experience as it appears to involve nothing more than having a quiet drink with friends at a table.
Six low-carb meals that will leave you hungry and depressed
TRYING to cut down on carbs? Prepare these meals, eat them, feel sad and open a family bag of Monster Munch to weep into anyway.
Couple eat so f**king late
A COUPLE eat their dinner so f**king late it is unbelievable, their friends have confirmed.
Colleagues vs your children, which are worse to work with?
YOU don’t get to choose your colleagues or your children but this year you’ve had to work with both. Which are more irritating?
The couple’s guide to being dicks about moving out of London
ARE you planning to move out of London and believe it is the most important event in human history? Here’s how to drone on about it in a self-absorbed, middle class way.
How to scare the shit out of people, by a house spider
WANT to make people jump out of their skin at a moment’s notice? Here house spider Roy Hobbs explains how to terrify otherwise rational adult humans.
The single person’s guide to coping with your neighbours having great sex
WHEN you’re trapped at home and single, the last thing you need is to hear is the bedroom antics of your horny neighbours. Here are some coping strategies.
Static caravan becomes roasting tin
A STATIC caravan on the Isle of Wight has become a roasting tin capable of cooking a family of four in one hour 40 minutes, they have confirmed.
Welsh village can’t pronounce own name either
THE inhabitants of a village in the Welsh valleys have admitted they do not know how to say its name any better than you do.
Woman who likes to pay extra for no reason off to Waitrose
A WOMAN who enjoys paying extra for items that are just as good elsewhere is off to shop at Waitrose again, it has been confirmed.
Leicester, Aberdeen, Preston: will the shithole you live in be locked down next?
FOLLOWING rumours that Preston could be the latest of the UK’s piss-stain conurbations to be locked down, the residents of Britain’s shitholes fear they could be next.
Burger King’s good for you this month, claim knackered parents
EXHAUSTED parents have resorted to telling their children that fast food is really healthy for the entire month of August.
Why you office plebs must listen to advice from a rich property developer, by Kirstie Allsopp
I MAY be the daughter of a Baron, but that doesn’t mean I’m unqualified to offer unsolicited advice on people going back to their offices during a pandemic.
The mum’s guide to undermining your adult child’s life choices
WISH your grown-up child had followed a different path? It’s never to late to offer subliminal negative guidance with our handy guide.
Track-and-trace team finally gets in touch with Boris Johnson
THE UK’s world-beating track-and-trace team has contacted Boris Johnson to inform him that he tested positive for coronavirus in March.
How to blame Nicola Sturgeon for everything: a Brexiter explains
IT isn’t always the EU’s fault. Sometimes it’s Scotland, and in particular that ‘wee hag’ Nicola Sturgeon. Roy Hobbs explains why the SNP leader is destroying Britain:
