Kids wait in car with pop and crisps while parents get pissed in mate’s garden
CHILDREN have been ordered to wait in the car with fizzy drinks and crisps so that barbecues do not exceed the six person limit.
The government’s lockdown sex rules, explained
TEN weeks into lockdown, the government has decided to clarify who is allowed to have sex with who, where, and when.
Five food cupboard staples you can’t eat yourself to sleep without
SLEEPING can be tricky, especiallly when you get up late and do nothing all day. So if you need to eat to the point of passing out like a milk-drunk baby, try these.
The science behind easing lockdown explained, by a doctor out of his mind on ketamine
WHY is the government is taking actions for pandemic level one while we’re at level four but pretending it’s level three? Let me explain while soaring on ket.
‘Today you’ll be learning what a two-day hangover looks like,’ says teacher
A TEACHER has turned the aftermath of her lockdown drinking into a valuable learning experience, pupils have confirmed.
Have you got a tragic, life-endangering obsession with Ikea?
IKEA customers queued for three hours to buy Ekets, Skogstas and of course Möjlighet yesterday. Is your life meaningless without Swedish flatpacks?
The smug bastard’s guide to sending greetings cards
DO you make friends and family feel guilty by always sending birthday and thank you cards? Try being even more irritating.
School weird and frightening and also still shit, reports six-year-old
A SIX-YEAR-OLD has confirmed that the socially distanced school he has returned to is odd and scary while remaining crap and boring.
‘I lost my job because of coronavirus’, says man fired for sexual harassment and daytime drinking
A MAN who claims to have been made unemployed by the pandemic was actually sacked for making inappropriate office advances while drunk.
How to pretend you used the last ten weeks for something useful
LOCKDOWN is kind of over, a bit, so you need a good spin on it for your CV. Try these seven claims.
16 injured in this weekend’s eye tests
SIXTEEN Britons have injured themselves this weekend in complications relating to the new eye-testing system, police have confirmed.
Barbecuing with the relatives and the other horrors available from today
AS OF this morning, residents of England can go for that barbecue in Uncle Brian’s garden they’ve been thirsting for. What other horrific activities can we no longer avoid?
Couple excited to invite friends round for a drink and a piss in their garden
A COUPLE are looking forward to lockdown easing enough to have friends over for a drink in their garden and a wee behind the shed.
Man following recipe on foodie blog just wants the f**king measurements please
A MAN trying to make a basic lasagne from a woman's blog had to read her entire life story before getting to the actual recipe.
Five ironic punishments for Cummings that would appease the British public
THE anger towards the PM’s senior adviser doesn’t seem to be dying down. Perhaps these punishments could satisfy the country’s rage?
What to talk about now you can’t go on a lavishly expensive holiday this year
DO you usually base 90 per cent of your conversations around your ludicrously expensive holiday plans? Here’s what to show off about in 2020 instead.
Daily walks are boring as shit, admit Britons
PEOPLE in Britain have admitted that their daily walks are really f**king boring now.
Man interrupts woman to say he’s a feminist
A MAN has interrupted a woman mid-sentence to remind her that he supports equal rights for women.
Everyday things now massive pain in the arse
TINY things are now a giant faff, Britons have realised as lockdown begins to ease.
Footballers picking up 100k a week to have sex with beautiful women when they’re not even injured
FOOTBALLERS are currently being paid to have sex with beautiful women and drive expensive cars without having to kick a ball or suffer from thigh strain.
