Man is tier 3 in week but tier 1 on weekends
A MAN has explained that during the week he lives a locked-down tier 3 lifestyle but at the weekends he treats himself to living like a tier 1.
Whole generation missing out on chance to go on gap year and become pricks
A WHOLE generation of teenagers are being deprived of the chance to spend three months pissing about in Southeast Asia and then base their entire personalities on the experience.
Guardian blind date marred by working class person
THE Guardian’s latest Blind Date feature has been ruined by the inclusion of someone who is not a middle class tosser.
Five batshit things to wake up in the night and worry about
SLEEPING a bit too well at the moment? Here are five mad and pointless questions that are sure to keep you up all night.
Family who watched same-sex couple on Strictly now all gay
A FAMILY of four who watched two women doing a dance together on Strictly Come Dancing have confirmed that they all turned into homosexuals immediately afterwards.
M&S lingerie range implies M&S shoppers have sex
SHOPPERS at M&S are affronted by a new range of lingerie that implies they are the kind of people who have sex.
Parallel parking and four other shortcuts to a full blown argument
Being in a relationship is a delicate balance. There are good times, bad times and times when you’ll plunge into a blazing row in 30 seconds flat. Like these.
How to be a WhatsApp dickhead
RESEARCH shows that most adults now spend 100 per cent of their day titting about on WhatsApp. Here’s how to make sure you’re a real dick about it.
Six things people in their mid-40s can’t believe happened ages ago
ARE you in your mid-40s but still a funky 20-something in your head? Here are some things that will plunge you into an existential panic when you realise how long ago they happened.
Priti Patel’s guide to having people over
HELLO, it’s Priti Patel. When I'm not threatening asylum seekers and eroding human rights, I like to have guests over just as much as the next person. Here’s how to do it.
How to turn into a bit of a twat, by Paul McCartney
PAUL McCartney has a new album out, so expect to see a lot more of him. Here the former Beatle explains how to get more annoying over the years.
‘No Christmas do this year’ is best thing anyone’s ever said to me, confirms office worker
AN office worker has confirmed that being told this year’s Christmas party is cancelled is the best sentence to ever enter his ears.
60-day masturbation ban to boost economy
THE government is considering imposing a 60-day masturbation ban across the UK to encourage everyone to spend money instead.
‘What’s she been in?’ man asks for the duration of whole f**king film
A MAN ruined a film by wondering where he had seen the female lead before for the entirety of its running time.
The five idiotic objections to gay marriage bigots always come out with
THE Pope has endorsed same-sex civil partnerships, but bigots will still think of weird reasons to oppose gay marriage. Here are some of them.
Why renting is better than buying, by parents who don’t want to give you a deposit
THINKING of taking your first step on the property ladder but need help with the deposit? Tight-fisted parent Mary Fisher explains why it’s actually better if you keep renting.
Guardian reader asks for Greggs steak bake to be done medium rare
A GUARDIAN reader has offended a Northern town after visiting a branch of Greggs and asking for a steak bake to be cooked medium rare.
Tories sure they won’t regret whole day spent voting for evil
THE Conservatives are confident that an entire day spent voting to deprive the poor of food and money will not rebound on them in any way.
‘Can I have sex with my neighbour’s cat?’: Your Tier 3 questions answered
AS millions of Britons prepare for Tier 3 lockdown, are you still confused about what you’re allowed to do? Here are all your questions answered.
Schools obliged to teach merits of Sheriff of Nottingham as well as Robin Hood
SCHOOLS have been told they must not show any left-wing bias when telling the story of Robin Hood.
