How to be an offended baby boomer
DO you feel you’re being unfairly attacked for being a baby boomer, despite believing anyone with a grievance is a ‘snowflake’? Here’s what to do.
Boris Johnson’s flood advice for commoners
APPARENTLY some moaning minnies are unhappy with my handling of the floods, but I say they just need to show a bit of pluck and spunk! Here is my advice.
John Lewis Christmas advert stars dragon who burns his own d*ck off
THE new John Lewis advert stars Excitable Edgar, a dragon who burns off his own penis and has to wait until Christmas for a new one.
Hairdresser’s hair not inspiring confidence in hairdressing abilities
A HAIRDRESSER’S hair is inspiring fear rather than confidence in her hair styling abilities.
Man naively thinks last bit of toilet roll will be enough
A MAN wrongly assumed that the last few sheets of bog paper would be enough for his requirements.
Joy as director’s cut actually involves some cutting
A DIRECTOR who shortened his original film rather than load an extra, pointless hour onto it has been widely praised.
How to be a deeply unlikeable Remainer
BREXITERS are frequently criticised for being shouty and unreasonable, but – fair’s fair – Remainers can be obnoxious too. Here’s how.
How to be a kn*bhead about wearing earbuds
THINK wireless earbuds make you look cool? Only until one falls out into your skinny macchiato. Here’s how to be even more of a twat about them.
Five worthy successors to The Jeremy Kyle Show
ITV has announced it will not be replacing The Jeremy Kyle Show, leaving viewers without their fix of voyeuristic mid-morning misery. Fill that void with these:
Producers reassure fans James Bond will still be a prick
THE producers of upcoming Bond film No Time To Die have reassured audiences that he will still be the same old offensive ars*hole.
Boss makes tea for first time this millennium
A BOSS has made the tea for the first time this millennium, his office has confirmed.
Mum in WhatsApp group losing her sh*t about missing school jumper
A MOTHER has gone fully apesh*t crazy about a missing school jumper on a parents’ WhatsApp group, members have confirmed.
There haven’t been any good albums this decade, media agrees
THE media has announced that there will be no ‘album of the decade’ lists this year because no good albums have been released since 2010.
How to convince yourself someone fancies you
ARE you hoping a friend or colleague fancies you? Is the evidence flimsy, but open to interpretation? Talk yourself into it.
University to be turned into student housing
A UNIVERSITY’S campus is to be entirely converted into student living accommodation, it has announced.
Driving fast through puddles best thing about being an adult
SPLASHING water everywhere while driving along waterlogged roads is the key to peak happiness in adulthood, a survey has found.
Five possible explanations for Farage being such a twat
EVER wondered why Nigel Farage feels the need to keep inflicting his Brexit party nonsense on everyone? Here are some possible explanations.
Brexit party will only stand in seats where there is no possibility it will affect the result
THE Brexit party has agreed only to stand in seats where their candidacy will not affect the result in any way.
Dungarees still not good
DUNGAREES have never been good and they never, ever will be, it has been confirmed.
Man had forgotten that next four months suck absolute balls
A MAN has just remembered that living in Britain between the beginning of November and the end of February is a total f**king nightmare.
