Dad develops strange new personality every time he talks to a waitress
A FATHER-OF-TWO puts on a strange, jocular personality whenever he is in a restaurant, to the extreme discomfort of his family and female waiting staff.
Where are you on the Brexit thickness scale?
HAVE you completely abandoned sense and reason over Brexit? Find out how you rate on the ‘Brexit thickness scale’ by seeing if you hold any of these views.
Stop this display of ostentatious wealth, says Queen in massive palace, with her crown
THE Queen is believed to be outraged at Meghan’s £300,000 baby shower, from beneath her jewelled crown in one of her many palaces.
May has weird dream where she’s done no preparation for Brexit
THERESA May has had a classic anxiety dream in which she totally failed to do any preparation for Brexit, she has revealed.
How to pretend you’re drinking in moderation
IF you drink too much it’s vital to convince yourself you just enjoy a harmless regular tipple. Here’s how to delude yourself.
Man stupidly asks elderly parents to buy wine
A MAN foolishly asked his parents who rarely drink alcohol to buy a bottle of wine after forgetting they would fuck it up.
Are you f**king furious enough about the ISIS bride?
ARE you worried you’re not being goaded enough by the media over ISIS bride Shamima Begum? Read our checklist and see if you could be angrier.
Why I am leaving the Empire, by Darth Vader
TODAY is my last day at the Empire.
Look at the size of this f**king bee, say scientists
AN absolutely massive bee has been found in a remote region of Indonesia by a team of totally freaked-out entomologists.
‘You can be anything you want’ says lying bastard dad
A FATHER has been feeding his child utter bollocks about being able to have any job they want when they grow up.
Independent Group discovering they hate each other’s guts already
MEMBERS of the Independent Group have discovered that now they no longer have their parties to moan about they really fucking hate each other.
Why I am leaving Wetherspoons to get shitfaced independently
By former Wetherspoons customer Roy Hobbs
Pizza delivery guys sick of being used for sex
PIZZA delivery drivers have declared they are sick of being used for sex by randy housewives.
Brexiter ‘taking back control’ has 800 Pot Noodles
A SUPPORTER of Brexit has been forced to stockpile a large number of Pot Noodles ‘just in case’, he has admitted.
Man somehow remembers school fondly despite hating every second of it
A MAN has given a glowing account of his school days that is very different to how his friends remember it.
Pregnant Meghan enjoys ill-timed night out with ISIS bride
THE Duchess of Sussex is under fire after enjoying a night out with Serena Williams, Jessica Mulroney, and ISIS bride Shamima Begum.
GP surgeries hoping patients either recover or drop dead while on hold
DOCTORS’ surgeries are hopeful that if they leave patients on hold for long enough they will either make a complete recovery or die.
Eighth Labour MP to quit admits she slept through her alarm on Monday
THE eighth Labour MP to quit for the independent group admitted she was meant to leave on Monday but it had been a big weekend.
Michael Gove’s guide to running a post-Brexit farm
GOOD morning, I’m Michael Gove, and as you’d expect I know everything about agriculture.
Man who rejects global warming firmly believes Star Wars will come true
A MAN who rejects the evidence for global warming does believe that a Death Star will one day be built in space.
