To tell you what I want for Christmas would be a defeat, says girlfriend
A WOMAN has admitted that simply telling her boyfriend what she might like for Christmas would be an unconscionable failure.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best, declares sociopath
A SOCIOPATH has confirmed that if you cannot handle her at her worst then you do not deserve her at her best, for some reason.
Folk music much worse than previously thought
A MAN who decided to make the leap from pretend olde worlde music like Mumford & Sons to actual folk songs desperately wishes he had not.
How to deal with arsehole relatives this Christmas
IF you’re cursed with visiting relatives this Christmas it will inevitably harm your festive fun. Here’s how to minimise the grief at this most joyous time of year.
Question Time host realises that in 25 years he’s achieved bugger all
DAVID Dimbleby has looked back at his 25 years in the Question Time chair and realised it was a complete waste of time.
People with real fires told to stop dicking around and turn the f**king heating on
PEOPLE who spend hours making a fire have been reminded they could just put the bloody heating on.
The best places to make an obnoxious hands-free call
DO you love shouting inanely into thin air while doing your supermarket shop? Here are some other great places to 'multitask' in annoyingly.
Full-time drinker’s heart sinks at prospect of part-time drinkers
A HARDENED drinker’s slightly diseased heart has sunk at the prospect of his boozing sessions being interrupted by loud, tipsy Christmas parties.
The British person’s guide to rioting
THE French have done some good rioting recently, but is our famous ‘English reserve’ stopping us sorting out our grievances by setting fire to cars? Read our guide to smashing shit up.
‘What if I’m actually a dickhead?’ Boris Johnson wonders aloud
FOR the first time Boris Johnson has realised he might not be a great statesman and future prime minister but just a dickhead.
‘Nanny!’ screams Rees-Mogg
JACOB Rees-Mogg has screamed for his nanny after soiling himself in the House of Commons.
How to cope with another year of Theresa bloody May
THERESA May is set to stay for at least another year, so how will you survive more of her bullshit? Follow our guide to making it as painless as possible.
Man whose girlfriend gave up cheese ‘needs to think about his options’
A MAN whose girlfriend has announced she will no longer be eating cheese is having a long hard think about their relationship.
‘Turn that f**king Christmas song off’ declares any rational human being
ANY sane human should immediately demand that Christmas songs be turned off, scientists have confirmed.
Five ways forward for Theresa May
THE Brexit impasse has left the prime minister looking short of options, with her deal certain to be defeated whenever a vote is held. So where should she go from here?
Brand new vegan excited to ruin Christmas for everyone
A WOMAN who has only recently become a vegan is getting ready to shit on every angle of Christmas and spoil it for her poor, innocent family.
This is what happens whenever posh twats are in charge, say experts
A HISTORIAN has confirmed that Britain ends up in a fucking mess whenever we make the mistake of putting posh people in charge.
Man who voted Brexit ‘just to stir things up’ more than happy
A MAN who voted Leave ‘just to shake things up a bit’ has proclaimed himself delighted with events so far.
Atheists’ advent calendar just contains cold hard facts
AN atheist family’s advent calendar contains nothing but reason and cold hard facts.
Vote for vote may trigger votes then vote followed by other vote
TONIGHT’S confidence vote may trigger a leadership vote in the Commons followed by a vote of Conservative members then a referendum, say experts.
