THE sunlit uplands Boris Johnson and the Tories promised were a lie. Obviously. It’s Boris Johnson. But there are genuine upsides to Brexit:

THE UK is uniformly delighted that after years of not doing this American White House First Lady bollocks, we now apparently are.

I’m a successful man in his 50s who recently married his girlfriend, but only because work made me.

BORIS Johnson has placed an advertisement for the vacant position of mistress to the prime minister in the Sunday Times. 

CARRIE Symonds, as a PR professional and divorcé’s nightmare, writes daily letters to newspapers which are intercepted and burned. Here are a few of them: 

DOMINIC Cummings has damned Boris Johnson by saying tens of thousands of people needlessly died. If you’re a diehard Boris supporter, here’s how to pretend he’s still great.

PEOPLE across the UK have miserably begun their annual ritual of pretending to enjoy temperatures above 18 degrees Celsius.

EVERYONE’S got Thou Shalt Not Kill by now, and coveting thy neighbour’s ox isn’t what it was. Follow these ten new commandments for modern life.

WORRIED people don't realise you are substantially more successful than they are? Make it clear with these topics.

MOST genuine Eastenders have been displaced by coffee outlets and tech startups. So how has Cockney rhyming slang changed?

THERE might not be rationing or gas masks, but a war is raging right now: the ‘culture war’. Here are the best concocted scandals people are losing their shit over.

AS a man, do you feel you should be an ‘alpha male’? Here are some of the pathetic and unrealistic things you’re probably secretly worried about.

A WOMAN has scored a new personal best in her time between putting on heels for the day and deeply regretting it.

A WOMAN who is only 25 bizarrely thinks it is her prerogative as a female to keep her age a closely guarded secret.

HAVING a child is a life-changing experience. A mostly terrifying one. Here are five of the worst bits from year one, although there could be 50.

A HOT summer can be a testing time for goths. Follow our advice to ensure yours stays safe, but gloomy.

WORRIED that you might be a victim of the gentrification usually reserved for areas of cities? Find out if you’ll soon be priced out of your own life:

A WOMAN wearing a bikini to the beach on a scorching summer day has outraged observers with her flat refusal to frolic.

ACROSS England fans are leaving work early and settling down by the telly with a few cans to enjoy Scotland’s loss this afternoon.

NOT understanding the offside rule is for amateurs. Try these questions to get your football-loving companion truly enraged.

AN England fan tired of politics getting in the way of football has expressed his disagreement by making a racist political statement that gets in the way of football.

DO you like music? You won’t like football songs then. But with the Euros on the way here’s a few ranked from whale excrement to tolerable.

AS football punditry’s Che Guevara, it’s not just revolutions at Old Trafford that get my backing. Check out my post-game analysis of these world events.

PULLING out of a European group that raises everyone’s income, but it’s a good thing? Uh? Manchester United fan Wayne Hayes explains.

AMAZON boss Jeff Bezos is blasting into space, and there’s surely no reason to be suspicious about what the f**k he’ll do while he’s there. But why is he going?

CHILDREN’S curiosity is a wonderful thing, until you’re required to provide the answers. These basic questions will baffle you.

LIFE is full of mysteries, but some of it is bleeding obvious. Here are some of the f**king stupid questions that end up being googled...

SMARTPHONES are incredibly intelligent pieces of technology which put the world at your fingertips. Here are some ways to use them like an absolute twat.

EVER wondered what conclusions people draw about you based on your email address? Here’s what they think when you turn up in their inbox.

INBOX constantly stuffed to bursting with irritating promotional emails? You'll be familiar with these...

IS YOUR superiority to others based on not consuming the same media as them? Nathan Muir flaunts his iconoclastic ignorance of perfectly enjoyable things he hasn’t seen.

A BRITISH man fuming at Channel 5 casting a black actress as Anne Boleyn is entirely at ease with a Caucasian Jesus, he confirmed.

AS the Cruella de Vil reboot hits the big screen, here are some other film villains who were misjudged rather than evil.

Making a Spotify playlist for your beloved? Avoid these tunes, as they will demonstrate you're a terrible listener.

WALES is allowing up to 10,000 people to attend outdoor gigs from Monday. But could you survive the weather and drinking of a Welsh music festival? 

DID you unduly respect certain bands as a youth, but now have a sneaking suspicion they were knobheads? Here are some that look like twats with hindsight.

A MAN is getting constant, eager updates from a delivery company advising him on the precise whereabouts of his parcel.

ARE you a British business keen to let LGBT+ customers and staff know that they’re special for one month only? Here are the best ways to be an ally.

WETHERSPOONS boss Tim Martin has urged the government to set up some sort of ‘Union of Europe’ to solve his shortage of pub staff. 

CLOTHING shops have reminded all their customers that they are now fat bastards so should buy their clothes accordingly.

THE corporate world is a palace of lies so glaringly obvious that they go almost unnoticed. Here are a few of the most frequent:

THE UK’s sole remaining high street shop that has not fallen into bankruptcy is to reopen today.