Teenager wants to tell you how good Kurt Cobain was
AN awestruck 15-year-old is breathlessly telling everyone how incredible Kurt Cobain was and what a terrible loss his death was.
Nine f**king days left
THERE are nine – nine! – fucking days left until economic armageddon and still the same shit is going on, Britain has realised.
How to waste your life making pointless YouTube videos
DO you feel an inexplicable need to start your own YouTube channel for your amateurish, unwatched videos? Why not try failing to attract an audience in these popular genres?
Office not run for benefit of parents with small children
AN office is callously not geared to meeting every single need of employees who have small children.
Woman who stopped listening to friend’s problems five minutes ago hopes she’s giving right advice
A WOMAN who tuned out her friend’s whinges about her love life five minutes ago is having a stab in the dark at some sage advice.
I only smirked because it was f**king hilarious, says Bercow
THE Speaker of the House has clarified that he only smirked when cancelling a third Brexit vote yesterday because it was so incredibly funny.
Woman goes temporarily insane after losing phone in handbag for eight seconds
A WOMAN lost her mind after being momentarily unable to find her phone in her handbag, it has emerged.
Defeat-addicted government doesn’t know where to go for next fix
THE government has admitted it is addicted to parliamentary defeats and is already jonesing for another one.
Child makes sure parents are fully committed to saying ‘no’ by asking 653 more times
A CHILD unconvinced that her mum and dad mean ‘no’ when they say it is testing her theory by asking the same question several hundred more times.
Fitness tracker just a stupidly expensive albatross around man’s wrist
A MAN'S fitness-tracking wristwatch has become the absolute bane of his life, he has admitted.
Brexit marchers demand emergency airdrop from EU
HUNGRY, exhausted Brexit marchers have demanded an emergency airdrop of food, shoes and clothing from the EU if they are to continue.
Genealogy research reveals family have been boring bastards since 14th century
A MAN has researched his family tree for the last seven centuries but is still not related to a single aristocrat, highwayman or war hero.
Parents watch three-hour dance show for 98 seconds of their child
A GROUP of parents has each watched a three-hour long dance show in order to witness 98 seconds of their child performing.
Racists upset by nasty tolerant people
EVERYONE is being really nasty to racists at the moment and should be more bigoted, racists believe.
‘Cocaine’s great’ says man with no concept of future beyond next three minutes
A MAN who has just snorted a line of cocaine has confirmed that the drug is ‘fucking brilliant’ and that tomorrow can look after itself.
Man guarantees sex will never happen again by calling it ‘totes amazeballs’
A MAN has guaranteed that sex is over forever by describing his latest experience as 'totes amazeballs'.
Facebook nutter includes workplace in his profile
A FACEBOOK lunatic is happy for everyone to know where he works, it has emerged.
Non-driver slams passenger door so hard it destroys car
A NON-DRIVER has slammed the passenger door of their friend’s car so hard that the car has been written off.
Magazine in doctor’s waiting room speaks of simpler time
A MAGAZINE in a doctor's waiting room has taken its reader back to happier times before Brexit, vape juice and compulsory recycling.
How to exercise when you f**king hate exercise
EXERCISE is hell, but a growing body of medical opinion links not exercising with getting so fat you die.
