Woman breaking up with boyfriend can’t decide which restaurant to ruin
A WOMAN taking her boyfriend for a break-up dinner cannot decide which restaurant she will never visit again.
Six deeply odd things that were normal if you were an 80s kid
MIDDLE-AGED? Do you sometimes notice that life is less weird than when you were growing up? What happened to these things?
In the face of a global health emergency we have a twat in charge, Britain realises
THE UK is slowly waking up to the fact that, in the face of an oncoming world catastrophe, it has chosen to put a d*ckhead in charge.
Passive-aggressive email phrases to make your colleagues hate you
EVER included the phrase ‘as per my previous email’ to suggest the person you’re writing to is as thick as mince?
Chlorinated chicken insists it just likes being clean
CHLORINATED chicken has protested at its demonising by the UK media, insisting there is no shame in being clean.
The right and wrong times to get your cock out
TORY MP James Grundy has apologised for exposing his penis in the Ram’s Head pub in Lowton in 2007, but when is the right time to whip out the chinos cobra?
Third date best time for sex and revealing you’re batsh*t insane
THE third date is the best moment to make a relationship physical and to unveil your collection of human skulls, experts believe.
Woman improves morning routine by adding line of coke
A WOMAN has made her mornings more streamlined and productive by snorting a fat line off the mirror.
Five post-Brexit pancake toppings
BLUE passports are back, we’re a sovereign nation again and it’s time to celebrate a patriotic post-Brexit pancake day with British toppings.
The BBC’s impartial guide to why the license fee is worth it
NO serious person, whatever their politics, could ever doubt that the BBC is unfailingly impartial. Jane Hill unbiasedly explains why £154.50pa is a bargain.
Hollywood all cleaned up after the only man who did this stuff convicted
HOLLYWOOD has pronounced itself free of all abuses of power after the only man who ever abused his power was jailed.
How to survive a pandemic according to TV and films
THE coronavirus pandemic is imminent, but anyone who’s seen any movie or TV show about surviving deadly infections will be fine.
Toddler in therapy after suffering from sock lumps
A TODDLER became so distressed about lumps in the socks she was expected to wear that she is in therapy.
James Bond’s not real, and five other things MI5 can’t tell Priti Patel
MI5 insiders have admitted withholding information from home secretary Priti Patel. What aren’t they telling her?
How to have an office romance that really p*sses everyone off
OFFICE romances impact everyone in the workplace. How can you make yours especially awkward for your co-workers?
Royals the fags are more royal than you, Queen tells Harry
THE Queen has informed the Duke of Sussex that Royals the king-sized cigarettes are more royal than he and his tart will ever be.
Man attempts playdate and f**ks it up
A MAN attempting to host a playdate without being aware of its highly complex social nuances has predictably f**ked it right up.
You can eat pancakes any day of the year, says man who doesn’t
A MAN pointing out that you can have pancakes whenever you want only eats them on pancake day.
Secret to success is ability to function with hangover
A NEW study has found that the key to social, financial and romantic success is being able to function while horrendously hungover.
Half an iPhone, and five other things women can almost fit in their pockets
ON occasion women’s clothing comes with pockets, and some of them are real. Here’s six things they can store.
