Download festival finally brings hell to earth
THE realm of Hades itself has finally been brought to our earthly plane at this weekend’s Download festival, attendees have agreed.
Dog realises entire life built around couple
A GOLDEN retriever who never thought he would be ‘one of those dogs’ who organised his whole life around humans is doing just that.
Corbyn secretly in love with Rory Stewart
JEREMY Corbyn has admitted to a huge 'man-crush' on Conservative leadership candidate Rory Stewart.
Bored man wondering if you can put soup in a Soda Stream
A MAN is wondering how far he can take his home carbonating device while hefting a tin of Big Soup questioningly in one hand.
Johnson to spend leadership campaign dangling from a zip-wire in Macclesfield
BORIS Johnson is to spend the rest of the Tory leadership campaign suspended 40ft above an Asda car park in Macclesfield.
Weddings in stupid places to bankrupt Britain
MILLIONS of Britons are facing financial ruin because their friends keep getting married in distant, expensive places they have only visited once.
The six looks from Killing Eve you absolutely cannot carry off
HAVE you watched stylish chameleon assassin Villanelle in Killing Eve and decided you could probably pull off that one outfit, the one with the hat? Think again.
Man ruins perfectly nice evening by getting a round of shots in
A 30-YEAR-OLD man totally messed up a pleasant evening in the pub by buying tequila slammers, it has emerged.
It’s our turn to elect a pr*ck, Britain agrees
BRITAIN has reluctantly agreed that it is our turn to elect a hilariously vain d*ckhead.
Man thinks speaking English with a French accent is speaking French
A BRITISH man believes that saying English words in a French accent means he is actually speaking French.
The middle class w*nkers’ guide to renting a cottage
ARE you and your middle class chums planning to rent a cottage in rural Dorset or similar? Here’s how to be as annoying as possible.
Premier League fixtures let Man Utd fan know when he’ll be angry
THE release of 2019-20’s Premier League fixtures means a Manchester United supporter can diarise when he will be a complete nightmare to be around.
No way woman in Sonic Youth t-shirt actually listens to them
THERE is no way a woman wearing a Sonic Youth t-shirt is really into all their weird, unlistenable sh*t, people have decided.
Only consolation of miserable weather is knowing it will f*ck up festivals
BRITONS are cheering themselves up during the rainy weather by remembering it will make the lives of festivalgoers a misery.
Southerner thinks impression of Northern co-worker’s accent remotely accurate
A SOUTHERNER actually thinks his attempt at a Northern accent in some way resembles what a Northerner talks like.
The parent’s guide to sh*t teenage bands
TEENAGERS will always be in bands, no matter how overwhelming the evidence that they are extremely sh*t. Here’s how to navigate the worst problems of musical youth.
Five things to do that are slightly less miserable than watching The Handmaid’s Tale
IF you want to feel distressed and unhappy you could watch the new series of The Handmaid’s Tale, or you could slam your hand in a drawer 78 times. Here are some other ideas.
Michael Gove’s guide to cocaine parties
HAVE you been invited to a cocaine party but are worried you won’t know what to do? Here Michael Gove explains all you need to know.
A few of the more useless f*ckers to go today, Tories promise
THE Conservative leadership race will today shed a few of its more useless, hapless and hopeless f*ckers, the Tories have promised.
Man who’s agreed to ‘massive night’ hoping something disastrous will happen
A MAN who has agreed to a big night out with mates is praying there will be some sort of disaster so he can be in bed by 10pm.
