THE Queen has responded to Downing Street’s apology by commenting ‘f**king right they’re sorry’ but ‘not as sorry as they’re going to be’.

I’M allegedly an adult woman and a serious journalist, but I think I speak for all the ladies when I say: shag me, sexy Mr Chancellor, and fill me with your little Rishis.

BORIS Johnson will surely soon be deposed as PM, leaving politics in shame and disgrace. Here’s what the remainder of his wretched, penniless existence has in store for him.

ARE you a Tory MP? Have you written your letter to the 1922 Committee yet? Here is an easy template to follow: 

BORIS Johnson has arrived at work to face one burning question from his party and the country: why haven’t you f**ked off yet?

IN 2020 Priti Patel said she’d call the police to report a neighbour holding a party but now she’s defending Boris Johnson’s. Here’s her guide to whether a party breaks the law.

DRIVING would be so much nicer if it wasn’t for all the other total twats on the roads doing these things.

TOO unsurprised to be properly pissed off by yet another f**king Tory lockdown party? Build your anger stamina with these tips.

POLICE at Downing Street completely failed to spot 100 staffers with eight-packs of Stella in blue plastic bags getting shitfaced in the garden. What else did they miss?

REMEMBER when you thought you’d die of something cool, and not from a sedentary lifestyle and poor genes? You were convinced these five things would kill you.

WITH all relatives and friends met and all obligations discharged, the entire UK is not open to seeing any f**ker this weekend.

PEOPLE love to complain about how bad they have it, especially pricks who've been handed everything on a platter. Here's what they enjoy whining about.

A WOMAN who ran herself a luxurious bubble bath to relax in got out after eight minutes because she was utterly bored.

GOT a camera on your doorbell that you claim is for security reasons? Here’s what you really use it for.

A WOMAN has bought a funky, brightly coloured coat that she is too embarrassed to step outside in.

THE British suburbs may seem a sexless desert of women in gardening kneepads and men washing cars, but they are actually red-hot pits of depravity. These are the signs.

SOME moments are so embarrassing that the memory of them pops up on shuffle every few days. Here are some low points in your life you'll be made to relive.

TEENAGERS today are at it like rabbits, I reckon. I’m Martin Bishop, I’m 44, and I’m shocked by my own speculations about how sex education is now.

TENNIS star Novak Djokovic is to compete in the Australian Open remotely via Zoom, it has been confirmed.

MONEY and woke rules have ruined modern sports, according to old school fan Roy Hobbs. Here's his take on why today’s athletes can never compare to these gods:

ALLOWING Novak Djokovic to stay and compete in the Open could unbalance Australia’s ecosystem of enormous twats, the country has confirmed.

WANT to do competitive physical activity, but not to break a sweat? These five activities are technically sports but medically aren’t.

A KEEN and committed racist has admitted that despite Yorkshire’s exemplary record of bigotry he is still not getting into cricket.

THE rulers of Afghanistan are to buy out Middlesbrough FC for £320 million, the Premier League has confirmed.

A WOMAN who constantly feeds her phone personal information is convinced it is eavesdropping on her conversations.

IS your immediate response to important events to send out a picture with an unfunny caption? Here Martin Bishop explains how he’s changing the world one meme at a time.

PHYSICAL objects are such aggravating bastards that sometimes you just want to punch them into little pieces. Here are six frequent offenders.

A MAN who has spent 30 minutes explaining to his date what non-fungible tokens are is somehow under the impression that the evening is going well.

BACK in the day you played with Lego, ate leftover turkey and watched Where Eagles Dare. But Christmas has changed irrevocably, and here’s what you do now.

FACEBOOK can be irritating at the best of times, but Christmas seems to bring out the worst in people who are already dicks.

WHEN your son announces that he would like to go to the Warhammer shop, your first instinct is to disown him. And that’s correct. Follow it with these.

DANIEL Craig says he was ‘choked up’ by the death of 007, but it would have been kinder to cinemagoers and Bond to kill him off years ago. Here are some characters who should join him.

MUSICIANS can’t be content with writing tunes and feel the need to pretend they’re hard. Here are some of the least convincing.

IT’S time to get into a new TV series. Here are five tactics to help you choose that are guaranteed to leave you disappointed.

THE Grange Hill movie is guaranteed to ruin your childhood by being a massive let-down. Here’s how it will disappoint.

EVERYONE loves 80s movies for their neon palette and banging synthesised soundtracks. But rewatching them reveals other key elements which are bizarre...

THERE is nothing like a woman kicking ass in the business world to make other women feel like failures. Begin the year with these pioneers.

ONCE rulers of the high street, it’s now impossible to believe that their unsettling concepts were ever viable businesses. How did they ever survive?

ONLINE shops are beginning a relentless quest for customer feedback that will only end when you have given them five stars or are dead.

A LITTLE boy has been delighted to realise that Christmas is more of a hollow capitalist scam than he dared to dream possible.

THE most important man in recorded history has set an out-of-office auto-response on his email for 1pm until 6pm today.

A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn a customer will be shopping elsewhere following a minor incident.

THE worst possible twats who worked over Christmas have booked the next two weeks off, it has emerged.

A REGIONAL manager who has never bothered to find out your name is offended by your lack of commitment to your job.

REMOTE working means unexpected screen sharing and shit, you forgot you’d left that tab open. But which websites are the most shaming?

A MAN has been disheartened by the discovery that his employment continues to exist and that he is expected to take part in it.

A MORONIC office worker is delighting in calling every day between now and New Year 'Twixmas'.

A WOMAN is celebrating avoiding a mortifying IT incident after the shocking discovery her broken computer is not a simple error and her fault.

A Wetherspoons has been levelled by a seismic volley of orgasms after a pint was served in a glass with a little crown on it.

SCOTLAND has once again admitted that it cannot return to work until tomorrow because it overdid it massively at New Year.

A MAN sure his New Year's Eve would end in the throes of passionate sex found himself home alone in bed without making it to midnight.

THERE are more shit ways to spend New Year’s Eve than there are stars in the sky. Here are just a few of them.

IF you’ve overindulged on Christmas Day, avoiding a hangover on Boxing Day will be a challenge needing a creative solution. Try these:

MOTHERS across the UK are very, very drunk right now, it has emerged.