Scotland now in danger of losing to fictional countries
THE Scottish national football team is now the underdog against a range of made-up countries.
How to tell a friend with a beard they look like the ultimate twat
IT’S not easy to break it to a friend that their new beard looks ridiculous. Here are some ways to do it.
I see Chuka Umunna everywhere, admits haunted Corbyn
JEREMY Corbyn has admitted he walked out of a meeting last night because he saw Chuka Umunna, who he also sees looming from every shadow.
‘Do I cut the red wire, or the blue wire? Or do I cut both?’ By Theresa May
HELLO there. Two years ago I made this bomb.
Kids’ menu looking pretty f**king tempting in wanky gastropub
ADULTS have been enviously eyeing the straightforward and tasty children’s menu in a London gastropub, it has emerged.
The gammon’s guide to panic buying for Brexit
YOU may have voted for Brexit, but that’s no reason not to stock up on vital supplies. Here’s what every gammon should be buying.
May loads Skoda Yeti with bogroll at Belgian hypermarket
THERESA May has been stockpiling toilet roll during her latest trip to Brussels.
Useless headmistress cross again
THE headmistress has called another special assembly to tell pupils and teachers alike how very cross she is with them.
Man on electric unicycle provides valuable insight into bellends of the future
A MAN on an electric unicycle has given the world a glimpse of the tiresome tossers they will have to deal with more regularly in the future.
Teenager wants to tell you how good Kurt Cobain was
AN awestruck 15-year-old is breathlessly telling everyone how incredible Kurt Cobain was and what a terrible loss his death was.
Nine f**king days left
THERE are nine – nine! – fucking days left until economic armageddon and still the same shit is going on, Britain has realised.
How to waste your life making pointless YouTube videos
DO you feel an inexplicable need to start your own YouTube channel for your amateurish, unwatched videos? Why not try failing to attract an audience in these popular genres?
Office not run for benefit of parents with small children
AN office is callously not geared to meeting every single need of employees who have small children.
Woman who stopped listening to friend’s problems five minutes ago hopes she’s giving right advice
A WOMAN who tuned out her friend’s whinges about her love life five minutes ago is having a stab in the dark at some sage advice.
I only smirked because it was f**king hilarious, says Bercow
THE Speaker of the House has clarified that he only smirked when cancelling a third Brexit vote yesterday because it was so incredibly funny.
Woman goes temporarily insane after losing phone in handbag for eight seconds
A WOMAN lost her mind after being momentarily unable to find her phone in her handbag, it has emerged.
Defeat-addicted government doesn’t know where to go for next fix
THE government has admitted it is addicted to parliamentary defeats and is already jonesing for another one.
Child makes sure parents are fully committed to saying ‘no’ by asking 653 more times
A CHILD unconvinced that her mum and dad mean ‘no’ when they say it is testing her theory by asking the same question several hundred more times.
Fitness tracker just a stupidly expensive albatross around man’s wrist
A MAN'S fitness-tracking wristwatch has become the absolute bane of his life, he has admitted.
Brexit marchers demand emergency airdrop from EU
HUNGRY, exhausted Brexit marchers have demanded an emergency airdrop of food, shoes and clothing from the EU if they are to continue.
