AN amazing breakthrough Brexit deal has restored the situation in one small area of Britain to almost its blissful pre-2016 state.

TORY MP Steve Baker is a self-styled Brexit hardman, but can he hold his own against a genuine thug? Thanks to the Isle of Dogs Boxing Club & Gym, we found out.

BACK in Neolithic Britain, when everyone voted Conservative, there was no sea between Britain and Northern Ireland. Who put it there? The EU.

THERESE Coffey has been secretly filmed shredding and smoking turnips for what she claims is the ultimate British high.

YESTERDAY I set out Labour’s five missions for the future. Now I’m asking you to join me as we build a new Britain in which every bigot is fellated and no flag goes unshagged.

A SCOTTISH voter had almost forgotten his country’s long-held tradition of cold-eyed religious bigotry until Kate Forbes came along.

THE wokerati blame the UK’s massive problems on Brexit and the Tories while any sane person knows these are the real issues, writes Roy Hobbs, aged 64.

YOU might be a progressive tofu-eating Guardian reader, but do you know how to support straight white men? Become an ally to this un-marginalised group with this guide.

BREXIT is often blamed for Britain’s woes, but only because they’re its fault. However there are still some things that cannot be pinned on our decision to leave the EU.

TABLOIDS joke about it. The supermarkets pretend it is no big deal. But as a middle-class vegan, vegetable rationing is life-threatening to me.

BREXITERS have placed a big happy tick next to ‘food rationing’ on their list of conditions to return Britain to its ideal wartime state.

PAIRED across the Channel, you corresponded with Pierre in the hope you’d one day visit him, drink vin rouge and baiser his sister.

EVERYONE hates a disagreeable arsehole, but it’s far from all bad. These are the surprising benefits people rarely discuss.

HEY ladies, are you unreasonably obsessed with domestic hygiene? Find out with this helpful test by me, a man.

PROXIMITY confers familiarity, which means your neighbours know things about you that even your closest friends don’t. They idly discuss the following foibles.

YOU once believed your kids would do what you asked without having to promise them all manner of shit first. Here’s what happens instead.

MOST people get by with just enough rooms for basic life activities. Not so the British middle class. Here is a list of unnecessary living spaces that are vital to their existence.

GOT a friend who’s way too obsessed with coffee? They may well fit one of these categories of ‘coffee twat’.

WOMEN have agreed that of all the pathetic things men are far too obsessed with, football is easily the worst.

The Premier League has never been better but you’re too cheap to go to their matches. Here’s what you’re getting by supporting a shit League Two team instead.

A NEW VAR system to correct bad VAR decisions is to be introduced in a bid to eliminate human error from football once and for all.

ANDY Murray is raging about having to work for five hours and finish at 4am. Here's how to feel sorry about this blatant breach of his human rights.

THE BBC has apologised for Gary Lineker interrupting interesting sex noises with his annoyingly matey football punditry. 

THE performance of a man’s fantasy football team has been severely affected by fantasy lawsuits with the fantasy club’s fantasy owners.

A WOMAN who handed her phone to a friend to show her a photo has been gripped with sudden terror as the friend casually began to swipe.

SINCE the dawn of mankind kids have tormented their parents with stupid questions. But now you can just point them in the direction of the nearest search engine when asked this sort of shit.

THE future comes in all shapes and sizes, and some of those shapes were useless f**king junk enriching Lord Sugar. You fell for this crap...

REMEMBER on Friday when I said I didn't want any cookies? Well I remember, and guess what?

YOUR card has been rejected. Here’s how to claw back some fiscal dignity in the ensuing blind panic.

YOUR printer hates you but you need a hard copy of your boarding pass. These are the six stages of misery you’ll go through to get it.

ARE you, one person with a laptop, more likely to solve a crime than hundreds of experienced police officers? Obviously ‘yes’. Here’s how to go about it.

HOPING to capitalise on the success of the exploits of a drug-addled animal, film producers have reimagined Cocaine Bear for the British market.

A BOYFRIEND who was forced to accompany his other half to a dance class has kickstarted an affair to get his own back.

ACTION movies have a reputation for lazy female stereotypes, but that’s unfair because some women have a name and don’t just scream. Here are the signs you might be one.

YOUR music tastes would never be influenced by something as base as fancying the artist, right? Wrong, and that’s why you bought these records and CDs.

IT’S weird to glance at someone’s phone and realise they’re watching hardcore porn on the number 16 to Leek. Here are the burning questions you will not ask.

ONCE again you’re astride the porcelain facing five imaginary millionaires desperate to invest in the game-changing ideas you come up with mid-dump, like these.

ENERGY firms raking in billions of pounds of profit are at a loss as to why nobody is congratulating them.

TIRED of wrestling with your less-expensive direct debit? Why not upgrade to a pre-payment meter we’ll even install for you? Don’t make us ask twice. You’ll regret it.

OIL and gas giant Shell has thanked you for your invaluable contribution to its record profits of £32.2 billion.

HALFORDS can be intimidating for the sensitive, modern man who doesn’t know how to check his oil. Here’s how to ingratiate yourself with the frightening blokes who replace your headlights.

A SELF-EMPLOYED woman completing her tax return is eager to find out how this unimpeachable government will best use her hard-earned money.

THE social media site of choice for arseholes, LinkedIn can induce unparalleled despair in just ten minutes. But what depressing truths lie in wait for you?

DOES your journey to work every day mean spending time with people you'd otherwise avoid like the plague? You’ll be familiar with these.

THE productivity of office workers would be unaffected if they went down to a zero-day week, it has been confirmed.

A MAN is claiming to be morally superior for not taking industrial action, neglecting to mention there is zero chance of his office going on strike. 

THE CBI is getting upset about people still homeworking, so do you face the grim prospect of returning to the office? Here are six habits you’ll have to lose first.

DO you spend your working day wishing you could say what’s on your mind? Here are six completely true statements it’s best to keep to yourself.

YOU vowed never to return to one of Tim Martin’s watering holes, but here you are crawling back yet again. This is how Wetherspoons has you in a chokehold.

A MAN who claimed he was only staying out for one pint has disturbed and frightened his friends by sticking to his promise.

A WOMAN who has not drunk for more than three weeks has been alarmed to find she can still make f**king awful decisions without touching a drop.

BOWEL cancer isn’t a risk of drinking you’re worried about, but not being pissed enough by 11pm is. Here are the real risks of drinking ranked by how shitfaced you are.

Win one of two cases of our limited edition Daily Mash beer, created in collaboration with Northern Monk, in our quiz about the three prime ministers of 2022. 

FEELING like a worthless, pathetic weakling after ordering half a pint? Start rebuilding your dignity with these tips.