Five jobs given to a man that will need doing again
MEN have split the atom and conquered space, yet struggle with simple tasks surely no one could f**k up. Here are five that will need doing properly afterwards.
Arlene Foster’s raucous leaving do: the full itinerary
ARLENE Foster is stepping down as leader of the Democratic Unionist Party, which means an awesome leaving do with her fundamentalist Christian colleagues. Here’s what they have planned.
Could you decorate a flat for less than £200,000? Take our quiz
MAKING your flat nice is incredibly difficult if you don’t have between £58,000 and £200,000 to spend. Could you do it? Take our quiz and find out.
The boyfriend’s guide to surviving buying tampons
YOU’VE asked your girlfriend if she needs anything from the shops and she’s asked you to pick up some tampons. Here’s how to cope with this terrifying ordeal.
Why your relationship is a squalid knee-trembler compared to the magnificent love of William and Kate
THERE has never been a love as pure, as selfless or as holy as that of William and Kate. Compared to their marriage, yours is a sordid shag in a back-alley.
Giving 150 per cent, and other claims try-hard twats like to make
SARAH Vine has said Boris Johnson was working ’24 hours a day, seven days a week’, which is impossible or he’d be dead. Here are more bullshit claims people make.
How I’ll be boning through the Hot Vax Summer, by a known bullshitter
PREDICTIONS of a Hot Vax Summer of post-Covid shagging are entirely accurate, according to self-proclaimed love monster Josh Hudson.
Six misheard song lyrics way better than the originals
EVER discovered you’ve been singing a song wrong and thought, wait, my version was better? These lyrics are vastly improved by being misheard.
Boyfriend’s late-night Naked Attraction gamble rewarded with endless parade of cocks
A MAN who put Naked Attraction on in the hope of seeing some sexy ladies has instead spent an hour watching cock after cock after cock.
Five excruciatingly embarrassing ways to be a cool parent
NOT ready to accept your role as uncool? Think your kids like it when you talk about your love of Drake in front of their mates? They don’t.
Carrie Symonds’s guide to your horrible little house
AS THE prime ministerial concubine, I have exquisite taste in home furnishings. No I will not show you my flat, but I will tell you what’s wrong with yours.
That wanker Gove’s next in line, Britain realises
WORRIED Britons have realised that current attacks on Boris Johnson could be a prelude to even worse wanker Michael Gove replacing him.
The next five scandals Boris Johnson will walk away from unharmed
DIPPING into Tory coffers to redecorate his flat is just the latest scandal that won’t trouble Johnson. He’ll also walk away untouched from these five.
Five ways to make your waitress fantasise about murdering you
HOSPITALITY staff across the country are thrilled be back to work, until you come in. Because you do things that make waitstaff focus very hard on not reaching for the knife.
Creepy man in his 30s dating 19-year-old to protect her from other creepy men in their 30s
A 33-YEAR-OLD man is only dating a girl 14 years younger to protect her from older men with bad intentions, he insists.
Johnson ‘was recording rap album’
BORIS Johnson only shouted ‘no more f**king lockdowns, let the bodies pile high in their thousands’ because he was recording a hip-hop album, it has emerged.
Six Guardian masterclasses for the deluded ponce
TEMPTED to follow your dreams by signing up for a Guardian masterclass? These picks will suit the poncey twat you hope to become.
Man who’s been drunk since pubs opened on verge of truly devastating hangover
A MAN who has been consistently pissed for the last fortnight is on the brink of a truly catastrophic hangover.
Why ‘let the bodies pile high in their thousands’ was taken out of context: a Telegraph writer explains
FOOLISH enough to believe that the prime minister’s bodies quote shows him in a bad light? Daily Telegraph writer Denys Finch Hatton explains how it’s all about context.
Elon Musk, and five other men that straight men secretly fancy
PURPORTEDLY straight, but utterly infatuated with famous blokes? Here are the six men that give straight guys a heterosexual boner.












