How to be the total psycho in your flatshare
ARE you a complete nutcase living in shared accommodation who likes to save the surprise of your mental state until new tenants have moved in? Here’s how.
Wine connoisseurs ‘missing entire point of wine’
SO-CALLED wine experts are misleading the public about the basic function of wine, critics have claimed.
Are you looking at your phone enough first thing in the morning?
YOU wake up, you turn your alarm off and you spend a solid 10 minutes staring at your phone screen, just like you did before you went to sleep. But are you doing it enough?
How to be a miserable d*ck about other people’s GCSE results
DID you pass your GCSEs decades ago, but love to whine and shit on teenagers’ success anyway? Try these buzzkillers.
I don’t even want Greenland any more, pouts Trump while playing with toy Greenland
PRESIDENT Trump has told Denmark that he does not even want Greenland anyway while sulking and playing with his beloved Playmobil Greenland set.
Five great reasons to hate the Lib Dems all over again
THE Liberal Democrats are making a comeback by once again sounding reasonable and sane compared to everyone else. Here’s how to justify your instinctive loathing.
Woman opts for celibacy rather than tidying her room
A WOMAN has decided never to have sex again rather than endure the horror of tidying her bedroom.
Johnson opens Merkel talks with five minutes of Nazi jokes
BORIS Johnson is to put Angela Merkel at her ease with a solid five minutes of Nazi jokes at today’s meeting, he has confirmed.
How to blame other people for your Brexit bullsh*t
WHETHER you’re the prime minister or an ordinary Leaver, it’s time to start blaming other people for Brexit. Here’s how to try and shift the blame.
Boyfriend thinking of doing stand-up comedy instantly 85% less attractive
THE girlfriend of a man who believes he is funny enough to be a stand-up comedian is considering terminating the relationship immediately.
Child who calls parents by their first names freaking everyone out
A CHILD with trendy parents who uses their first names instead of 'mum' and 'dad' is having a chilling effect on people.
Are you tediously wholesome enough to be a Bake Off contestant?
THE new Bake Off contestants look so pleasant and well-adjusted you're probably feeling a bit nauseous already. But are you annoyingly nice enough to get on the show? Read our checklist.
The Brexiter’s guide to ending freedom of movement
BREXITERS will be delighted by plans to end freedom of movement, but have you thought it through properly? Read our guide on the slim off-chance you haven’t.
Living life to the full ‘not the same as getting p*ssed every day’
A CONTROVERSIAL new study suggests that leading a rich and full life might not necessarily involve getting sh*tfaced as often as possible.
Late night trip to Tesco still oddly thrilling
GOING to a supermarket at 4am is strangely exciting and edgy even though it is just full of knackered people stacking shelves, it has been confirmed.
Tedious b*stard decides his personality is ‘meat eater’
A MAN without much personality has decided to compensate by constantly telling people how into meat he is.
The idiot’s guide to changing your name
WANT to change your name? Perhaps you’re on the run or just tired of being called Leslie Smallcock? Here’s how to do it without sounding like a tw*t.
Woman who watched Mindhunter believes boyfriend is a serial killer
A WOMAN who binge-watched all the episodes of Mindhunter is convinced she has developed an instinct for sniffing out sadistic murderers.
Playing cricket in England for five days ‘practical joke that went too far’
THE idea of holding a five-day cricket match in England was initially conceived as a prank, it has emerged.
The Government’s real and completely amazing no-deal Brexit plans
THE Government has revealed its real no-deal Brexit plans, drawn up by Michael Gove and his 14-year-old son at their Cornish holiday cottage yesterday afternoon.
