Catching Covid fifth worst thing that can happen to you in Northern pub
THE government's plan to close pubs across Northern England has been met with surprise as regulars say their favourite hostelries present far greater dangers than catching coronavirus.
Gender party reveals foetus as ‘boy’ and parents as ‘twats’
A GENDER reveal party has confirmed the sex of a baby and the utter twattishness of his parents, friends and family have confirmed.
The Flat Earth Society’s guide to going on holiday
IF there is one thing we can all agree on in these uncertain times, it’s that the Earth is a big flat circle. Here’s how to enjoy a holiday on our massive floating disc.
Giving an erotic massage and other activities you’ll regret 30 seconds after starting
MANY things in life seem like a brilliant idea to begin with before almost immediately becoming tedious, painful and irritating. Here are some to avoid.
You would look so much more beautiful with make-up, woman tells man on date
A WOMAN has told her date that he could look so much better if he just put on a little make-up.
Husband who says ‘We’re pregnant’ forgetting whose genitals babies come out of
A MAN declaring 'We're pregnant' to family and friends appears to have forgotten that his wife is the person who will actually push the baby out through her genitals.
The middle class twat’s guide to buying drugs
DO you fancy a toot of coke to liven up a party but have no idea how to purchase anything stronger than paracetamol? Here’s what to do.
Beer’s more expensive and four more things Londoners already f**king know
ONE great privilege of living in an overcrowded, overpriced city is hearing visitors' stunningly original observations about it. Here are five remarks Londoners just love.
‘I’m not racist but…’ and other gammon phrases explained
ARE you struggling to understand what puce-faced patriots are jabbering on about? Clear up the confusion with these translations of popular gammon phrases.
Pigeons and four other things kids are annoyingly obsessed with
KIDS have any number of things to entertain themselves with, but they’ll come back to the same tedious obsessions until you never want to see a T-Rex again. Here are some of them.
Don’t make us go drinking in the Midlands, say Northerners
NORTHERNERS have pleaded with the government not to force them to go out on the lash in the Midlands.
Lads religiously paying in £20 a month for stag do they all know will be shit
TWENTY grown men are irrationally continuing monthly payments towards a stag do they know will be f**king horrific.
Fake cough now best way to skive off school, say kids
KIDS have revealed that coughing briefly in the morning can get them a large number of days off school.
The five emotional phases of teaching a grandparent to send a text
IF you want to go from being patiently helpful to a murderous rage in a matter of minutes, try teaching an elderly person to send a text message. Here are the phases you’ll go through.
Who are these f**kers throwing their facemasks away in the street? An investigation
IN every city street and country lane in Britain an abandoned facemask lies dirty and forlorn. But exactly who are the twats throwing them away, and why?
The professional Northerner’s guide to more Covid restrictions
WITH a Covid clampdown in the North likely, Yorkshire resident Martin Bishop explains what will happen with a large dose of sentimentality and a chip on his shoulder.
Why your partner is f**king wrong about the central heating
IS your partner insisting on turning on the central heating against your wishes? Here’s how to put them right about ‘being cold’.
Sunak fans worried he might be a Tory
FANS of ‘Dishy Rishi' Sunak are beginning to wonder if their hero harbours Conservative sympathies.
Man’s workout basically unpacking weights and putting them in spare room
A MAN is planning to get ripped by taking some weights out of the box they came in and putting them in the spare room.
Sturgeon planning to catapult infected Scots into England
SCOTTISH people infected with Covid-19 will be catapulted into England to help reduce the country’s number of daily cases, Nicola Sturgeon has confirmed.
