‘Spirited’ and other words to describe vile children
LOVING parents never tell you their child is an irritating, destructive little shit and instead use words like ‘spirited’ instead. Here are some other euphemisms.
A day in the life of a cancelled right-wing gobshite
CANCEL culture is ruining Britain by stopping people like me being heard, apart from on TV, in the newspapers and on the internet. Here is a day in my terrible life.
Identical twins creepy and weird, says their mum
A MOTHER of identical twins has confirmed that she finds them just as profoundly weird as the rest of society does.
I drink fewer than 14 units of alcohol a week, and other lies you tell your GP
DOCTORS ask a lot of difficult questions that make you feel like a chubby, ailing waster. Here’s how to lie your way to health.
Your extremely specific and 100 per cent accurate Valentine’s Day horoscope
WHAT do the stars predict for your Valentine's Day? Here is a very definite and not-at-all made up insight into the most romantic day of the year.
Five things dickheads think are like the Nazis
MORONS are quick to compare all sorts of things to Nazi Germany, the one period of history they have cursory knowledge of. Here’s what they think is similar to the Third Reich.
Woman misses going to other people’s houses and judging them
A WOMAN is pining for the days when she could visit other people’s houses and make highly critical observations about them.
Everyone secretly grateful for complete losers who write Amazon reviews
CONSUMERS agree that people who write product reviews on Amazon are pitiful losers, despite reading every single one and finding them very helpful.
The middle class guide to sexting in lockdown
ARE you trying to keep the romantic spark alive with Julian, Francesca or Oliver? Read our foolproof guide to sending a sexy but suitably middle class SMS message.
Paying for things while on the phone: crimes that deserve a 10-year jail sentence
MATT Hancock has been criticised over harsh jail terms for people breaking travel rules. And rightly so - there are plenty of other non-crimes which also deserve a 10-stretch.
How to say a load of bollocks convincingly, by Adam Curtis
DO you like to spout intellectually questionable waffle but want people to take you seriously? Follow the advice of top documentary maker Adam Curtis.
Vinyl album still in shrinkwrap four years after purchase wondering what the f**k’s going on
A VINYL LP that has languished unopened since being bought by a nerdy record collector is wondering if it will ever be taken out of its sleeve.
Man drawn to atheism mainly for the smugness
A MAN has found himself attracted to atheism because of the opportunities to be insufferably smug and patronising.
How NHS reforms will work, by the mates Matt Hancock is selling it off to
RESTRUCTURING the NHS is a vast, intricate project that only Matt Hancock’s mates on WhatsApp are capable of pulling off. Here they reveal their plans.
Six claims about life before the 1990s young people won’t believe
DO you want to shock younger people with tales of life in the pre-internet olden days? Here are some things to freak them out with.
A second home is entirely different from a holiday: a rich twat explains
THE suggestion has been made, no doubt by some ignoramus at the BBC, that no holidays means no visiting our Cornish bolthole. Poppycock. They’re entirely different.
Live with your parents until you’re 50: how to quickly save a house deposit
NEED to scrape together a whopping great deposit for a house? Save tens of thousands of pounds instantly with these tips.
‘Global Britain’ means places where they speak English, Tories confirm
TORY Brexiters have clarified what they meant by ‘global Britain’ a mere five years after they came up with the phrase to help win the referendum.
Bristol Covid variant moonlights as shit DJ, scientists confirm
A MUTATION of Covid-19 from Bristol has a second job playing records badly during the evening and at weekends, it has been confirmed.
Are you planning to go on holiday this year or stay alive?
YOU want a holiday, but on the other hand you might die and infect lots of other people in the process. It’s quite the dilemma. Take our quiz and see if you should go.
