Record-breaking dog turd ruins day of 18 people
A SINGLE dog turd has outmatched all predecessors by ruining the days of 18 different people.
Man starts another pointless f**king project
A MAN has started another stupid fucking waste of time, he has confirmed.
Your guide to dealing with the aftermath of a one-night stand
ONE-NIGHT stands can be tricky. Should you sneak off like a criminal before they wake up or sit down for a full English with their parents? Our handy guide will help.
If I move down any more I’ll practically be shagging someone, says man on Tube
A MAN asked to 'move down' a packed tube carriage has pointed out there was nowhere for him to go without becoming extremely intimate with other people.
Boy racer on 814th consecutive night of driving around pointlessly
A YOUNG driver has spent every night for well over two years driving around aimlessly in his crappy car.
It is the year 2137. Brexit has still not happened. Theresa May is still prime minister
MORE than a century into the future, the UK is still waiting for the EU to come up with a creative solution to the Northern Ireland border.
Is your sex problem middle class enough for the Guardian?
ARE you thinking about writing to the Guardian with a sexual problem but are worried it’s not middle-class enough? Read our guide.
‘Suggestion noted’ thinks cyclist approaching red light
A CYCLIST approaching a busy city crossing decided to regard a red light as advice to bear in mind rather than an order to stop.
Would your partner rather go out with their phone than you?
EVERYONE loves their smartphone, but are you concerned your partner would rather have a relationship with it than you? Take our quiz and find out.
Office workers enjoy stressful, breakneck Friday lunch in pub
A GROUP of office workers spent 50 minutes anxiously waiting for a pub lunch then wolfed it down in 10 as their Friday 'treat'.
Top five scarves to make you look like a twat
ALL scarves look stupid, but if you want really want to look like a huge twat you must choose carefully.
People moaning on about Christmas stuff in shops getting earlier every year
THE annual festival of whinging about premature displays of Christmas goods in shops is getting earlier every year, it has been confirmed.
Not being able to remember colleague’s name reaching crisis point
A MAN who has been addressing a colleague as ‘Hi!’ for the last three years has acknowledged it is too late to find out her name.
40-year-old man has not forgiven mum for chucking out Tracy Island
A MAN who painstakingly built a Thunderbirds Tracy Island is still pissed off with his mum for dumping it during a ‘clear out’ three years ago.
Five idiotic Irish border solutions Brexiters will love
ARE you a Brexiter with no grasp on reality? Here are some solutions to the Irish border problem you’ll consider perfectly sensible.
Man still longing to drive car he drew when he was eight
A MAN has admitted he secretly wishes he could drive the outlandish car he drew when he was eight.
Rugby players worried about teammate drinking piss alone
A GROUP of rugby players are worried about a teammate after seeing him drinking a glass of warm piss on his own.
Yet another place that’s too far away legalises weed
YET another country that is far too distant from Britain to be worth the trip has irritatingly made weed legal.
Jayden is a perfectly normal name but ‘Paul’ is weird, eight-year-olds agree
EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS have informed their parents that every class has at least one Jayden but they have never heard of anyone called Paul.
Woman with whole life ahead of her going to spend it worrying about what someone just said
A YOUNG woman whose life is bursting with possibility plans to spend the next sixty years obsessing over minor social interactions.
