Europe reassures Britain it has been a laughing stock for decades
IN a move to allay fears that Brexit had damaged Britain's reputation, Europe confirmed the country has been a pathetic laughing stock for ages.
Buy my kids slime and I cut you, mum warns everyone
A MOTHER of three has warned everyone that if they even think about buying her children slime for Christmas she will cut them with a blade.
Office Christmas lunch not horribly awkward
A GROUP of workmates has had a Christmas lunch that was not unbearably awkward.
Second referendum would ‘break faith with people who want me executed’, says May
THE prime minister has warned that a second referendum would 'break faith' with those members of the British public who want her executed as a traitor.
Part-time smokers unveil plan to steal lighters
PART-time smokers have announced plans to light the filter end and then pocket a lighter at some point this week.
As a true Slade fan, I am deeply angered by your refusal to explore their back catalogue
I AM a devoted Slade fan or ‘Sladean’, and you might think I’d love this time of year. Not so.
Baby spends entire day hatching evil plan to f**k up bedtime
A BABY will spend eight hours deciding how he will make bedtime a complete and utter shit show.
To tell you what I want for Christmas would be a defeat, says girlfriend
A WOMAN has admitted that simply telling her boyfriend what she might like for Christmas would be an unconscionable failure.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best, declares sociopath
A SOCIOPATH has confirmed that if you cannot handle her at her worst then you do not deserve her at her best, for some reason.
Folk music much worse than previously thought
A MAN who decided to make the leap from pretend olde worlde music like Mumford & Sons to actual folk songs desperately wishes he had not.
How to deal with arsehole relatives this Christmas
IF you’re cursed with visiting relatives this Christmas it will inevitably harm your festive fun. Here’s how to minimise the grief at this most joyous time of year.
Question Time host realises that in 25 years he’s achieved bugger all
DAVID Dimbleby has looked back at his 25 years in the Question Time chair and realised it was a complete waste of time.
People with real fires told to stop dicking around and turn the f**king heating on
PEOPLE who spend hours making a fire have been reminded they could just put the bloody heating on.
The best places to make an obnoxious hands-free call
DO you love shouting inanely into thin air while doing your supermarket shop? Here are some other great places to 'multitask' in annoyingly.
Full-time drinker’s heart sinks at prospect of part-time drinkers
A HARDENED drinker’s slightly diseased heart has sunk at the prospect of his boozing sessions being interrupted by loud, tipsy Christmas parties.
The British person’s guide to rioting
THE French have done some good rioting recently, but is our famous ‘English reserve’ stopping us sorting out our grievances by setting fire to cars? Read our guide to smashing shit up.
‘What if I’m actually a dickhead?’ Boris Johnson wonders aloud
FOR the first time Boris Johnson has realised he might not be a great statesman and future prime minister but just a dickhead.
‘Nanny!’ screams Rees-Mogg
JACOB Rees-Mogg has screamed for his nanny after soiling himself in the House of Commons.
How to cope with another year of Theresa bloody May
THERESA May is set to stay for at least another year, so how will you survive more of her bullshit? Follow our guide to making it as painless as possible.
Man whose girlfriend gave up cheese ‘needs to think about his options’
A MAN whose girlfriend has announced she will no longer be eating cheese is having a long hard think about their relationship.
