‘Harry farted in the Range Rover’, and other reasons behind the royal rift
BRITAIN’S future king and his brother are squabbling, with Prince Harry admitting they are on ‘different paths’. But how did blue blood become bad blood?
Dry clean only dress gets Febrezed again
A DRESS labelled ‘dry clean only’ has been given its fourth Febreze before being worn for another night out.
Woman hopefully placing stuff on stairs for family to take up even though it never, ever happens
A MOTHER who has spent years putting things on the stairs for her family to take up with them cannot stop even though it has never once happened in 15 years.
Brexit: Uh? Whuh? What the f**king f**k now?
THEY promised Brexit would be over after this weekend’s double-length big Saturday finale, and it isn’t. Here’s what might happen next.
A guide to swearing for secondary school pupils
SEVEN long weeks ago, you began big school for the first time. Since then your fragile 11-year-old ears have been exposed to a smorgasbord of swearing. Join in:
I’ve sent the letter but I haven’t signed it, says petty little twat
THE spiteful little w*nker running the country has sent a letter to the EU asking for a Brexit extension but has sulkily refused to sign it.
Shattered new parents find energy to post entire birth album
A COUPLE who are absolutely shattered after having their first child nonetheless found time and energy to post a 188-photo birth album online.
Doorman promoted to revolving doorman
A DOORMAN in London is celebrating after being promoted to the position of revolving doorman.
Man going through life blissfully unaware he will be reincarnated as a goat
A YOUNG man currently living a happy life is blissfully unaware that his next life will be as a member of the subspecies Capra aegagrus hircus.
Sport really doesn’t matter to us, say Australians
AUSTRALIA’S Rugby World Cup exit is of no interest to its citizens who much prefer books to sport, it has been claimed.
Rees-Mogg arrives at Commons in trainers, track pants, and sleeveless ‘SQUAT GOALS’ top
LEADER of the Commons Jacob Rees-Mogg has arrived at Westminster in his gym clothes because it is Saturday, he has confirmed.
How to avoid being guilt-tripped into attending a protest
EVERYONE you know is furiously tweeting about attending a protest, but you want to watch telly. Here’s how not to get blown off-course by snivelling do-gooders.
Can anything stop Boris Johnson? Yes
IS Boris Johnson, armed with a fresh Brexit deal the sceptics said he could never get, now unstoppable? Nah. Here’s why.
Are you droning on about your problems enough?
EXAGGERATING your problems to get attention has finally been given a trendy name, ‘sadfishing’. Here’s how to get the most out of this worthwhile activity.
Five childhood heroes who b*llocksed it up
THIS week Gazza was in court after another bizarre incident in his perpetually troubled life. But which other celebrities have ruined your childhood memories of them?
Playground bully now runs mindfulness courses
A MAN who stole your lunch money in year four by threatening to beat you up now teaches businesses how to be more mindful.
Review of the decade lists can f**k right off, says everyone
THE entire British population has experienced a rare moment of unity to tell ‘review of the decade’ lists to f**k right off.
Cheerful new Sarah Lancashire drama is antidote to Brexit dark times
A NEW and typically upbeat Sarah Lancashire drama, The Accident, will put a smile back on the face of angst-ridden Britain, TV bosses have promised.
DUP to expand into f**king up other countries
THE DUP have confirmed they are not content with merely f**king up the UK and Ireland, and would like to move into f**king up bigger and better countries.
How to make a twat of yourself with email and texts
EMAIL and texting are now part of everyday life, but it’s still possible to make an arse of yourself. Here are some of the best techniques.
