That wanker Gove’s next in line, Britain realises
WORRIED Britons have realised that current attacks on Boris Johnson could be a prelude to even worse wanker Michael Gove replacing him.
The next five scandals Boris Johnson will walk away from unharmed
DIPPING into Tory coffers to redecorate his flat is just the latest scandal that won’t trouble Johnson. He’ll also walk away untouched from these five.
Five ways to make your waitress fantasise about murdering you
HOSPITALITY staff across the country are thrilled be back to work, until you come in. Because you do things that make waitstaff focus very hard on not reaching for the knife.
Creepy man in his 30s dating 19-year-old to protect her from other creepy men in their 30s
A 33-YEAR-OLD man is only dating a girl 14 years younger to protect her from older men with bad intentions, he insists.
Johnson ‘was recording rap album’
BORIS Johnson only shouted ‘no more f**king lockdowns, let the bodies pile high in their thousands’ because he was recording a hip-hop album, it has emerged.
Six Guardian masterclasses for the deluded ponce
TEMPTED to follow your dreams by signing up for a Guardian masterclass? These picks will suit the poncey twat you hope to become.
Man who’s been drunk since pubs opened on verge of truly devastating hangover
A MAN who has been consistently pissed for the last fortnight is on the brink of a truly catastrophic hangover.
Why ‘let the bodies pile high in their thousands’ was taken out of context: a Telegraph writer explains
FOOLISH enough to believe that the prime minister’s bodies quote shows him in a bad light? Daily Telegraph writer Denys Finch Hatton explains how it’s all about context.
Elon Musk, and five other men that straight men secretly fancy
PURPORTEDLY straight, but utterly infatuated with famous blokes? Here are the six men that give straight guys a heterosexual boner.
Man’s DIY to-do list wins award for best fantasy novel
A LIST of DIY jobs written by a Wrexham man has won the Hugo award for Best Fantasy Novel.
Johnson hits back at Cummings by revealing lockdown Durham trip was illegal
BORIS Johnson has hit back at Dominic Cummings by revealing his aide’s drive to Durham last year breached lockdown regulations.
At least I’m middle class, says jobless man in £15,000 of debt
A MAN who has lost his job, is behind on his mortgage and buys groceries on a credit card is consoled by the knowledge that he is middle-class.
Six films that definitely shouldn’t have won Oscars
EVERY year, the Oscars give eager filmgoers a great guide to what shite to avoid. These six certainly shouldn’t have taken statuettes home.
Pints actually quite a large amount of drink
A WHOLE pint is actually a rather large quantity of fluid to drink multiple times an evening, it has been confirmed.
The five stages of realising you won’t be going to a music festival this summer
DID you optimistically buy a ticket to a festival even though it was a gamble as to whether it would happen? Here’s how to cope with realising you won't be going.
‘You’re fat now, buy accordingly’ say clothes shops
CLOTHING shops have reminded all their customers that they are now fat bastards so should buy their clothes accordingly.
Five lockdown rules you’ve broken if you’re being completely honest
CLAIMING to have got through lockdown without putting a toe out of line? Apart from these rules, which you broke if you’re being honest.
Dungarees, and other items of clothing that make your partner want to dump you
DO you think you look arty and cool in your new dungarees? Your partner thinks you look like an embarrassing twat. Here are some other items of clothing likely to end your relationship.
Now pay £5.99 delivery, cackles evil bastard website
A WEBSITE has innocently taken a woman through the entire process of buying some photo prints, only to announce at the end that delivery is £5.99.
Poetry, and four other things people pretend to be into to get laid
SUCCESSFULLY appearing attractive is impossible by just being yourself. Pretending to like these things will make you more shaggable.
