UNCLE? Aged 50 or above? Then Christmas is nothing more than an opportunity to win Nigel Farage the next election. This is how to hijack every topic.

WOMEN cheated out of five years of retirement have patiently informed the government that even if they were told about it being pissed off is justified.

EVERY man, woman and child in Britain is to be paid £500 by Elon Musk to have positive views about Nigel Farage.

KEIR Starmer has come to the defence of sandwiches by pointing out that his father was a convenient bread-based meal.

BEING condescended to and looked down upon by estate agents is still insufficiently demeaning to stop people buying houses, it has emerged.

A MAN was delighted to catch a glimpse of his own home on TV during a news item about a killing just metres from his front door. 

2025 has defied expectations by descending into a grim hellscape within a single day, it has emerged.

A CHILD complaining of boredom has been handed the ultimate slapdown with a suggestion he play with his new toys though it is the last thing he wants to do.

THE time of year when the media fills space with round-up of whimsical news stories of the year has come around. But are they actually deeply disturbing conspiracies?

NICK Clegg has left Meta and will fancy going to the pub once he's back in the UK. But after austerity and tuition fees he’s not too popular, so would you mind going as a favour?

TELEPHONE calls are rarely made by anyone except annoying twerps these days, and for good reason. Here’s why.

ACROSS the country, adults are realising that once given more than four days off in a row they run out of things to do and visit garden centres.

A MOTHER of three is trying to set the right cover charge for tomorrow’s Christmas dinner with her family.

A MILLENNIAL unable to afford a car or house deposit is barely able to cover the cost of his all-over ink, he has confirmed.

THE BBC has apologised to right-wing football fans for employing a man with vaguely left-wing views and hopes this woman will make up for it.

HUGE sums of dirty money have been chosen to host the 2034 World Cup in Saudi Arabia.

ALIENATED 1990s Manchester City fans admitted seeing their club blow a 3-0 lead against Feyenoord last night was like coming home.

THE storied history of the Premier League is rich with legendary managers, and Christian Gross. But which would you least look forward to seeing every other Christmas?

LIBERAL despot Gary Lineker, who has cruelly ruled Britain from his throne of football lies for decades, has announced he is to step down.

GOOGLE has released the UK’s most frequent search terms of 2024, no, not the porn ones. The results will surprise and depress everyone.

IS a woman under the age of 55 asking for plumber recommendations on Nextdoor? Or flirtatiously adding career goals on LinkedIn? You should definitely make a move. Here’s how.

THE first UK and Ireland TikTok Awards are here, and what a feast of quality they promise to be. These are the categories.

CONSUMERS are rejecting electric cars for a variety of reasons, but it’s great news for right-wing blokes who’ve always hated these effeminate vehicles. Here Roy Hobbs explains why you shouldn’t buy one.

NO reprisal is too extreme for the subhuman scum who use their bright phones in dark cinemas. Even these punishments are entirely reasonable.

IT only takes one appalling song to undermine a musical legacy. Here are the tunes that ruined everything for the talented idiots who wrote them.  

HORRIBLE people have criticised Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s New Year’s Eve BBC show. However the singer feels it was a performance worthy of any pub karaoke night. Here are her tips.

A MOTHER is selfishly forcing her entire family to watch a film that was made before 1990 and is therefore a slow, cheap, boring torture.

KEEN to avoid being gifted the latest mediocre book by a TV celebrity abusing their fame by way of the written word? Complete the following form and email to the Home Office:.

LIKE an 80s video nasty or the Star Wars Holiday Special, Masterchef’s Christmas show will never be seen by anyone. These are descriptions of the most chilling scenes. Reader discretion advised.

THE famous 1991 sex tips video Lovers’ Guide is in the news due to the sad death of one its stars. But like so many vaguely forbidden sex things, the reality didn’t match up...

A CANDY store. A Turkish barber. A newsagent which also does parcel returns. One of these must be genuine, but which? Reporter Emma Bradford investigates.

WATER: it falls from the skies. Collect it, treat it, send it out through the taps, sieve out the turds, treat it, job f**king done. Is that so hard, water companies?

THREE rail operators which are to be renationalised next year will soon have the same fantastic quality and customer service as your local council.

A MAN working night shifts as a security guard and driving a 16-year-old Fiat Punto has abandoned plans to buy a Jaguar F-Type because the brand is now woke.

HAVING a good time? Sat on your sofas, stuffing your faces, watching Saturday Kitchen? Christ I hate you. I’m at work.

MODERN jobs like to advertise perks to improve your wellbeing at work. But while they're appealing in theory, you'll soon start to feel it's oppression of the workers.

A PHOTOCOPIER has decided not to attend this year’s office Christmas party because it finds it always a degrading experience, it has confirmed.

THE time has come to select your flavour of forced festivity with workmates. But you’re offered bone-dry turkey or pan-roasted hake when these are the options you want.

A HOMEWORKER has begun to come into the office every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday purely for its selection of biscuits, colleagues believe.

ASKED to do something at work, which is really unfair considering the weekend you’ve had? Determined to lower expectations? Try these simple techniques.

THE UK is excitedly counting down the hours, minutes and seconds until Dry January can begin, it has emerged.

TONIGHT photographers will be prowling to catch shameful scenes of pissed-up Britain showing its knickers and urinating publicly. But how can you do this at home?

THE UK has yet to meet even minimum standards of honesty about its level of intoxication, it has emerged.

ASSERTIONS that sensible younger people avoid alcohol are being challenged by the sheer number of hammered teenagers everywhere you go.

A LOOMING Guinness shortage will deprive millions of their favourite tipple, but don’t despair – following these simple tips will turn any pint into a Guinness.

TWO friends who have just finished their first bottle of Chardonnay have discovered they both hold the correct views on every subject there is.