THE ghoulish spectre of Tony Blair reappeared this week to share his thoughts on current events. Here are five people you’d sooner hear from.

HELLO, I’m former first minister and future Through The Keyhole host Nicola Sturgeon, who is oblivious to 90 per cent of my lived environment and you can be too.

IN the constituency of Makerfield, knobheads face an agonising dilemma: Nigel Farage’s Reform or Rupert Lowe’s Restore Britain? We help them decide.

ANDY Burnham must pass seven trials to become prime minister. These are they.

UKRAINE, Gaza, Iran, Sudan, melting glaciers. But, through it all, you’ve remained in a nice house in Sussex eating crisps in your joggers. Here’s how to cope.

AS the mercury shoots up to record temperatures, trains have decided to set their heating to maximum.

AS a seagull, my existence is inherently political. Consequently I have developed a radical consciousness that speaks truth to power and that is why I shat on the King.

ANDY Burnham is all about Manchesterism. And, what with living in Ardwick, so am I. Let me tell you how it works here on the ground.

SO bored you’re always Googling various historical mysteries at work, and leaping immediately to believe the most outlandish theory? You should not do that.

I WAS born in 1994, at the tail end of the shoegaze era. Am I especially unfortunate to be part of the whiniest generation in history?

PLANNING to buy cool stuff in a fit of enthusiasm for the hot weather? Definitely purchase these items too expensive to get rid of when the weather turns shit again in a few days’ time.

THE sun is shining, out-of-office is on, it’s a perfect time to read a good book but you don’t want to. Use one of these excuses to squint at your phone instead.

THE year’s first heatwave is here, and with it the chance to perform indoor activities in full view of your neighbours. What will you be ashamed of doing tomorrow?

AN old and decrepit man is under the mistaken impression that you and he are contemporaries.

THE Church of England has announced that self-pleasure is only a real sin if you are attractive to others.

I USED to be the fashion editor for British Vogue, and now I’m a bricklayer and hod-carrier. Why? You already know the answer is money, don’t you?

A MAN who wanted to avoid the awkwardness of turning a woman down after their first date achieved the same result by having sex with her instead.

A MAN has nodded through a 60-minute monologue from his girlfriend on how they need to sit down and have a proper talk about their relationship.

WANT to terminate a relationship abruptly? Say any of the following and you’ll never see him again.

A MAN and woman about to get into a serious relationship have made the mutual decision to stop ghosting other people.

A 26-YEAR-OLD woman who prides herself on not having one-night stands has instead unnecessarily kept one in her life for two-thirds of a year.

BLESS him for trying, but cunnilingus can drag on with no end in sight. Here is what's running through a woman’s mind when the dreaded erotic situation occurs.

POPULAR T-shirt manufacturer Nasa is racing China to land a manned flight on the lunar surface. What do they expect to find there?

ONCE it was the next big thing, now you can’t even Freecycle it. Were you one of the visionaries who bought a piece of the future that turned out to be a dusty piece of crap?

CAMERON, Ezra, Hector? 22 reasons why you’re emotionally dead and need therapy, Mark. Become size eight. A woman’s Notes app offers regrettable insights.

IS this a spam email, or is it a genuine offer from Elon Musk to send you frozen sperm to birth yet more of his legion of children? You decide!

A MAN cannot help but admit that a clickbait headline has done an incredible job of piquing his fickle interest.

SHERLOCK Holmes is always inspiring new stories, so who better to solve the mystery of Katie Price’s missing husband Lee? Or will this impenetrable case stump even the famous sleuth?

SERIOUS allegations are hanging over Channel 4’s Married at First Sight, but it’s not the first reality show to see nothing wrong with engineering appalling situations. Like these:

JOSH Widdicombe’s casting as the new Strictly Come Dancing host? Just the latest BBC box-ticking exercise. Specifically these.

WANT to barely scrape last place at Eurovision year after year with entries that genuinely make you ashamed? Learn from the country that has perfected the art.

THE Eurovision Song Contest is a safe space away from any political leanings, which is why Ukraine beat Sam Ryder in 2022. How will you keep it that way?

EUPHORIA and Rivals are the biggest shows on TV right now, but why? Here are five potential reasons, all genital-based.

KEIR Starmer is so right to face down his massive unpopularity, as proved by these examples of people who bounced back from being hated to become the nation’s darlings.

A SWINDON woman is unsurprised that Vernon Kay and Tess Daly have separated, because 16 years ago he sent numerous explicit texts to a Page 3 stunner.

THE 12-year-old heir to the throne is moving to big school, but which educational establishment should we pay the fees for him to attend?

THE animal kingdom have clubbed together to get Sir David Attenborough a birthday greeting performed by a stripper, they have revealed. 

THE Princess of Wales has announced she is embarking on a solo trip to Italy where she intends to take a lover.

OUR monarch has done as he was told and performed a humiliating little show for president Trump. Which potentate who hates laws should he do it for next?

ALL homeworkers are completing their allotted tasks and attending meetings entirely naked, they have confirmed.

YOUR middle-aged co-worker who confidently opines on any subject he does not understand has begun stating everything is ‘probably AI’.

THE grovelling sentences a man comes out with when writing a covering letter disgust him to his core, it has emerged.

A 32-YEAR-OLD man has been forced to confront the fact that, as well as a mortgage and back pain triggered by sleeping the wrong way, he also has a crush.

WONDERING if you're outstaying your welcome in your job? Look out for these telltale signs.

A TEAM of builders contracted to construct a home extension are disappointed to learn it is yet another bloody homeworker.

NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough.

CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?

IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.

A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.