Couple experience political awakening after hearing about Brexit pet passport changes
A DOG-OWNING couple are up in arms about democracy and freedom of movement after hearing that pet passport rules may change.
A mum’s guide to being offended by your family
MUMS have a unique right to be pissed off with their family for any reason. Here is a mother's guide to having issues with your relatives.
How to make December utterly exhausting for no reason
NOT got enough on your entirely self-imposed Christmas to-do list? Here’s how to make December as pointlessly exhausting as possible.
Woman finally reaches maturity after moving from Frosties to bran flakes
A WOMAN has reached a major milestone in her life after purchasing a box of bran flakes instead of a childish breakfast cereal containing a toy.
I want you all to f**k off, says mum when asked what she wants for Christmas
A MUM has requested that everybody f**k off when asked what she would like for Christmas.
Middle class woman refusing to give Ocado driver five stars because he said ‘ain’t’
A WOMAN is unable to give the driver who delivered her weekly shopping a five-star rating because his grammar let him down.
How to destroy your self-esteem by comparing yourself to celebrities
DO you secretly suspect that celebrities are better people than you? You are correct. Here’s how to destroy your self-esteem by comparing yourself to them.
The traditional Christmas films arseholes will force you to watch
IT’S coming up to Christmas, which means some tosser will make you sit next to them to watch a Christmas movie they love and you don’t. Like these.
Wrestle a puma, and five other things Laurence Fox will do for attention
IT'S been almost a week since right-wing darling Laurence Fox was in the news for hosting a large gathering. With the oxygen of publicity running low, how will he get attention next?
Squeezing fruit: five unacceptable things to do in a supermarket during a pandemic
WITH Christmas fast approaching, you’ll be spending a frightening amount of time and money in the supermarket. But what should you definitely not do while shopping during a pandemic?
This is the best country in the world if dickheads like me can be a minister
IT wasn’t a slip of the tongue. You can take America, France and Germany and stick them up your arse. Britain is the best country in the world and my career is living proof of it.
Colleague who suggested ‘virtual secret Santa’ told to piss off
AN office worker who floated the idea of doing a virtual secret Santa has been told to piss off by colleagues, it has been confirmed.
Kids taken to Santa behind plastic screen with masked elves to preserve the magic of Christmas
CHILDREN are being taken to see a Santa behind a plastic screen with masked elves and mandatory hand gel to keep the magic of Christmas alive.
Brexit talks stalled by UK discussing 400 million individual fish
UK negotiators have denied trying to scupper Brexit talks by discussing the rights of every single fish in British waters.
Boris Johnson’s guide to taking credit for someone else’s achievements
GOOD morning. As a man whose achievements are no more than broken marriages and a useless cable car, I find myself having to take credit for other people’s. Here’s how:
Short shag and curtain bang: hair styles or sex positions?
ARE you confused by people talking about things that could either be a haircut that would never suit you or a sex position you would never be able to make work? Here is a guide.
How to convince yourself social media is more trustworthy than real news
DO you find that things you read in the ‘mainstream media’ don't fit with your insane beliefs? Here’s how to convince yourself social media is more credible.
It’s not sodding aliens: Where those monoliths probably came from
INTRIGUED by the mysterious monoliths that have been springing up around the world? Here are the boring places they probably came from.
Announcement of vaccine not the same as being vaccinated, idiots told
IDIOTS have been warned that merely ordering a vaccine does not make them immediately immune to Covid.
Girlfriend’s cupboard space now 90 per cent flavoured teas
A BOYFRIEND has been shocked to discover his girlfriend has obsessively filled her cupboard space with an array of bizarrely flavoured teas.
