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    the dailymash

    Tuesday, 20th April 2021
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    Woman going to pub chooses perfect outfit to hide under big coat

    A WOMAN visiting the pub has spent hours choosing just the right outfit for the evening, and has then covered it with a puffa coat.

    Why we represent the average football fan, by Bozza and Willy

    HEY, Willy and Bozza here, just a couple of average football-loving dudes who won’t let this Super League shizz happen.

    Five subtle clues that it’s time to move out of your parents house

    MUM and dad have said that there will always be a place for you in their home, which they didn’t mean altogether positively. Here are the signs they want you to piss off.

    A tiny biker jacket, and four other things to stop buying your baby you idiot

    BABIES are adorable and rewarding, and if you dress them up like miniature bikers what’s wrong with you?

    How to approach a working class voter, by Keir Starmer

    I DESPERATELY need to appeal to working class voters, but they can easily become aggressive. Here’s how I win the trust of these unpredictable creatures.

    Arsenal and Spurs only invited to Super League to have shit kicked out of them

    ARSENAL and Spurs were only invited to join the Super League to guarantee the proper clubs regular easy victories, it has emerged.

  • ‘F**k you, we’ll walk alone’ fans tell Liverpool

    LIVERPOOL fans have confirmed they would rather walk alone for a bit after their club joined the European Super League.

    Coffee after 5pm, and five other things you’ll massively regret in your 40s

    OVER 40? Keen not to feel like a sack of shit? 44-year-old Martin Bishop details six things that will set you back two days if you even attempt them.

    How to live with the football club you love selling its soul, by a Man City fan

    ARE you feeling a sickening wrench in your very heart as the football club you love abandons every moral principle for money? Yeah. Been there. Let me make it okay.

    Five uncontroversial musicians for bland people

    ARE you undeniably dull? Looking for musicians to create a background noise that won’t challenge you in any way?

    Six signs that you’re no longer completely skint

    MOVING up in the world? Splashing out on little luxuries, such as washing your hands in hot water? Here's some other signs that you're no longer flat broke.

    Halifax Town, Torquay United and Stockport County join European Super Non-League

    SIX of England’s leading non-league football clubs have formed a new European Super Non-League to play the best fifth-tier teams on the continent.

    William and Harry

    How Harry and William will be kept out of pinching distance

    THE funeral of the Duke of Edinburgh today is a sombre occasion which William and Harry cannot be allowed to ruin by pinching. Here’s how it will be avoided.

    90% of Londoners’ conversations now about alternative milks

    THE vast majority of conversations in London focus solely on comparing the merits of various milk substitutes, a new study has found.

    Shopping in Asda: Five terrible things that may happen if you don’t get your child a private tutor

    DO you think attending school Monday to Friday is enough education for your child? This is sleepwalking into disaster. Here are five dire consequences of not getting them extra tutoring.

    Man watching tv

    Five shit BBC shows you weren’t going to watch on Saturday afternoon anyway

    Annoyed that a royal funeral has steamrollered the BBC’s Saturday afternoon schedule? These are the shit programmes you were never going to tune in for anyway.  

    Woman can’t be arsed with eating outside if it’s only with her boyfriend

    A WOMAN cannot be bothered to sit in the cold outside a restaurant now that restrictions have lifted if the only person eating with her is her boyfriend.

    Nunchucks

    Nunchucks, and other things your kids aren’t getting in a million years

    RAISING children can be a fun, rewarding experience, except when they're pestering you to buy them wildly unsuitable stuff. Here are five requests that get a hard 'no'.

    Father-in-law has brought his drill

    YOUR father-in-law has arrived at your house and for some reason has brought his drill.

    Getting bird shit on you, and other bollocks lucky omens

    WHILE everybody would like to think they have luck on their side, there are some absolutely ludicrous superstitions out there that need to be questioned. Here are a few of them.

    NEXT >
    • Features

      • Five weekend activities that say 'this relationship is dead'
      • Boris Johnson's guide to 'levelling up' your life
      • The social media ars*hole's guide to being right
      • Four IKEA products in urgent need of a Brexit makeover
      • Six fun things to do with your Brexit 50p
      • 'It sounds completely insane, but I genuinely like my kids'
      • This year’s top five bullsh*t food trends
      • How to go easy on people who wear hats
    • Arts & Entertainment

      • How to be a twat about TV shows on social media
      • How we made... six f**king terrible songs
      • Nation in mourning has definitely not been watching Netflix
      • Five horror films that are laughable now
      • Six reasons why we must never 'find the new Oasis'
      • Six popular song lyrics that are batshit crazy in retrospect
      • TV shows they wouldn't make nowadays, according to a gammon
      • Whether to watch Finding Dory for the 67th time - a child discusses the pros and cons
    • Business

      • UK's remaining high street shop to reopen
      • Five deeply unfunny April Fools' day jokes brands will make
      • Ronald McDonald and four other creepy as shit mascots
      • A single Pritt Stick, and other things delivery drivers have risked their lives to bring you
      • How to lose money in just 30 minutes
    • Environment

      • Snow falling across North as per bloody usual
      • Seven alternatives for when you forget your dog poo bags
      • How to disconnect from nature post-lockdown
      • Twats out and about, and the other signs spring has sprung
      • Beautiful dusting of white snow the last thing we f**king need
    • Most Popular

    • Freshers working hard on ridiculous personas

      TEENAGERS about to start university are developing absurd new personalities in an attempt to seem interesting.

    • Man who can't stop talking boll*cks clearly ideal for Brexit negotiations

      BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of bullsh*t is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.

    • 'Predator' to win all film awards for 30th consecutive year

      PREDATOR is set to continue its unbroken run of winning every film prize since 1988.

    • Berlin to send back thousands of British hipsters

      BERLIN will return thousands of hipsters when Britain fully departs the EU, it has emerged.

    • No, really, what's the plan, though? May asked

      THERESA May has been told that yesterday's speech was great fun but she now needs to announce the real Brexit plan.

    • Unstable friend now somehow a counsellor

      A WOMAN with a chaotic personal life and a history of believing in total nonsense is now being paid to give people advice, shocked friends have revealed.

    • Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'

      Dear Holly, Can you help me come up with an insult that is more accessible to the ignorant underclasses? Yours, Boris

    • Ask Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?

      If Brexit happens the British people will no longer have access to Nutella or Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher, which would be nothing short of a CATASTROPHE.

    • Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

      “After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying.”

    • Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

      I’m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot

    • Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

      Dear Holly,
      The other day I got involved in an exchange of  words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny  to say, but by then it was too late.

    • Health

      • Horrified woman forgets to tell social media she's had her Covid jab
      • Man returns to gym to flex his smugness
      • Do you give a shit what f**king vaccine you get? Take our quiz
      • Want to feel old? Here's what you look like now
    • Society

      • Kicking a football back, and five other challenges to your masculinity
      • How to blame a teacher for your child being a horrible little shit
      • Do spelling and grammar matter? A debate by two twats
      • 'With regards to yourself' and other annoying ways people speak
    • Politics

      • Prince Andrew and four other bellends who might as well stand for London mayor
      • Has your ongoing feud with an old school rival f**ked up the country?
      • How I'd easily sort out Northern Ireland, by a Brexiter
      • Six other things that aren't a problem according to a government report
    • Celebrity

      • Why I should be the centre of attention at a funeral, by Prince Andrew
      • How to have an arse-clenchingly awkward family reunion, by William and Harry
      • Five places to hide if you're not that into the Royal family
      • Prince Philip: A life spent not giving a bugger what you think
    • Sport

      • The sure-fire losers to back in the Grand National
      • Middle class football fan prefers it without those dreadful crowds
      • Six Nations fans forced to piss in pint glasses over Zoom
      • Football club that's 'more than just a football club' just a football club
    • Science & Technology

      • My busy day, by a scumbag internet troll
      • Six very obvious problems with believing in UFOs
      • Six things to not understand about Bitcoin
      • Key in front door substantially increases the need to have a piss
    • Most Popular

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