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    the dailymash

    Friday, 22nd January 2021
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    • Mash Books

    Your guide to coping with a partner who’s an embarrassing twat

    ARE you in a long-term relationship with someone you’ve realised is an embarrassing twat? Here are some common problems and what to do about them.

    Actual working class family insulted to be called working class

    A WORKING class family have said they are not keen on the term, unlike middle class people who like to call themselves that.

    Dad uses 34 metaphors in three-minute sex talk

    A DAD believes no confusion has been caused by using 34 metaphors during a talk about sex with his son.

    Government to reward catching Covid with fabulous cash prize

    ANYONE who catches Covid is to be rewarded for their efforts with £500, cash in hand, no questions asked, to spend on whatever they want. 

    How to spice up your relationship with your right hand

    HAS the spark fizzled out between you and your dominant hand? Turn up the heat in the bedroom with these saucy tips.

    How to be a badass while self-isolating, by Matt Hancock

    YO. Matt here. You may have noticed I consider myself pretty damn cool. So after my Covid scare, here’s how I’m self-isolating with ATTITUDE. Party on, dudes!

  • Boris Johnson’s first grovelling call to the White House: A transcript

    THE prime minister will be wasting no time sucking up to newly sworn-in president Joe Biden. Here is a transcript of their first conversation today.

    The Brexiter’s guide to contradicting yourself

    DO you worry that your arguments sometimes conflict with what you said moments earlier? Don’t worry - here Brexiter Martin Bishop explains how to hold two contradictory views.

    Insurer disgusted by suggestion it might have to ‘pay out’ over floods

    AN insurance company is horrified by the suggestion that it might ‘pay out’ to ‘claimants’ on its ‘policies’. 

    Your guide to the dangers of working from bed

    CELEBS like Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen and Keeley Hawes have revealed they like to work from bed. But what are the hidden dangers? Here is a guide every homeworker should read.

    Warhammer, Doctor Who and Judge Dredd obsessive sees himself as a ‘triple threat’

    AN expert in three fields of geek subculture thinks of himself as a ‘triple threat’ to both fellow dorks and the hearts of women.

    Three big houses in Grimsby, and other things you could buy for the price of a London property

    THE average house price in London is now £500,000 and that will only bag you a pokey little flat. Here are some better ways to spend your money.

    Remembering four years of bullshit: take our commemorative Trump quiz

    HE’S without doubt the greatest president ever, beating even Richard Nixon and George W. Bush. But what do you remember about Trump’s four years at the helm? 

    What to do if you’re a British crab who can’t get to the EU

    POST-BREXIT, plucky British crabs are being refused entry to the EU because of petty rules about live animal imports that prove we were right to leave. What could they do?

    Home-schooling mum reporting herself to Ofsted

    A MOTHER attempting to teach her children at home has reported herself to Ofsted as ‘inadequate’.

    The QAnon supporter’s guide to pretending it’s not all bollocks

    ARE your ludicrous QAnon conspiracy theories crumbling around you as Trump leaves office? Here’s how to pretend you expected this all along.

    Cocky motorists to drive into unexpectedly deep floods

    BRITAIN’S idiot drivers have vowed to try their luck at driving through floodwater after having a guess at how deep it is.

    How to live like a king on your extra £20 of Universal Credit

    THE £20-per-week rise in Universal Credit for the pandemic cannot last forever, because we do not deserve it. Here’s how to flash that cash while it lasts.

    How to make everything into a drama, by a three year-old

    YOGHURT the wrong way round? Given a spoon you don’t like? Make it into a massive drama with this handy guide.

    ‘Gwyneth fanny candle explosion’ is a sentence that makes sense in 2021

    THE sentence ‘Gwyneth fanny candle explosion’ is one that makes perfect sense to people in the dystopia of 2021.

    NEXT >
    • Features

      • Five weekend activities that say 'this relationship is dead'
      • Boris Johnson's guide to 'levelling up' your life
      • The social media ars*hole's guide to being right
      • Four IKEA products in urgent need of a Brexit makeover
      • Six fun things to do with your Brexit 50p
      • 'It sounds completely insane, but I genuinely like my kids'
      • This year’s top five bullsh*t food trends
      • How to go easy on people who wear hats
    • Arts & Entertainment

      • Shit band that will never play Europe up in arms about Brexit visa rules
      • 'Bridgerton is my wife's porn', says man who has no f**king idea
      • BBC put on Detention Afternoon for misbehaving little bastards
      • New Resentful Compromise TV channel launched for couples
      • Woman wants husband to f**k off so she can watch Love Actually
      • How is Doctor Who going to be bollocks this year?
      • Mrs Brown's Boys and five other shit things which will survive the End of Days
      • How to destroy your self-esteem by comparing yourself to celebrities
    • Business

      • What to do if you've been shafted by Brexit, by a Brexiter
      • The Brexiter's guide to buying British
      • UK in race against time to spend high street vouchers before shops go bust
      • How to bollocks up your Christmas shopping
      • Mum launches business inspired by wanting to get away from her children
    • Environment

      • Insurer disgusted by suggestion it might have to 'pay out' over floods
      • What to do if you're a British crab who can't get to the EU
      • Cocky motorists to drive into unexpectedly deep floods
      • Man recognises individual blades of grass in local park
      • You thought 2020 was bad? Highlights of the year to come
    • Most Popular

    • Freshers working hard on ridiculous personas

      TEENAGERS about to start university are developing absurd new personalities in an attempt to seem interesting.

    • Man who can't stop talking boll*cks clearly ideal for Brexit negotiations

      BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of bullsh*t is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.

    • 'Predator' to win all film awards for 30th consecutive year

      PREDATOR is set to continue its unbroken run of winning every film prize since 1988.

    • Berlin to send back thousands of British hipsters

      BERLIN will return thousands of hipsters when Britain fully departs the EU, it has emerged.

    • No, really, what's the plan, though? May asked

      THERESA May has been told that yesterday's speech was great fun but she now needs to announce the real Brexit plan.

    • Unstable friend now somehow a counsellor

      A WOMAN with a chaotic personal life and a history of believing in total nonsense is now being paid to give people advice, shocked friends have revealed.

    • Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'

      Dear Holly, Can you help me come up with an insult that is more accessible to the ignorant underclasses? Yours, Boris

    • Ask Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?

      If Brexit happens the British people will no longer have access to Nutella or Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher, which would be nothing short of a CATASTROPHE.

    • Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

      “After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying.”

    • Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

      I’m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot

    • Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

      Dear Holly,
      The other day I got involved in an exchange of  words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny  to say, but by then it was too late.

    • Health

      • Jabs Army, and the other ways the pandemic has become a World War Two nostalgia wank
      • How to stay warm when you can’t afford to put the heating on: Rishi Sunak explains
      • Travel rule exemption announced for middle-class families driving to National Trusts
      • Estate agents: The unsung frontline heroes of the pandemic
    • Society

      • Home-schooling mum reporting herself to Ofsted
      • How to make everything into a drama, by a three year-old
      • Are you thick or are the schools having a f**king laugh? Take our quiz
      • PTA mum starts bossing herself around
    • Politics

      • The Brexiter's guide to contradicting yourself
      • The Tories' foolproof guide to governing by headlines
      • Trump's TV tells him to shut the f**k up
      • How to be an effective leader of the opposition, by Marcus Rashford
    • Celebrity

      • 'Gwyneth fanny candle explosion' is a sentence that makes sense in 2021
      • Piers Morgan's guide to fleeing a sinking ship
      • Do you have a chance with Kim Kardashian? Take our quiz
      • Rich twats still abroad
    • Sport

      • Pink football boots and four other reasons 'the game's gone'
      • Audi driver speeding on M6 cites Lewis Hamilton as his inspiration
      • You’re all really bad at this, says Nadal
      • Runner replaces photo of husband and children with Strava route
    • Science & Technology

      • Who are you trolling online?
      • How to take your mind off current events without ever putting down your phone
      • However many batteries you bought, it is not enough
      • People who chase up a text after five minutes told to get a f**king life
    • Most Popular

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