16 places you’ll be allowed to go with a vaccine passport
BORIS Johnson has denied any decision has been made on vaccine passports, which means they are a nailed-on certainty. But where will they allow you to go?
Man whose wife wants skirting boards painting knows how Jesus felt
A MAN whose wife has told him he must spend the Easter break painting the skirting boards feels he now fully understands Christ’s ordeal on the cross.
How you’re going to squander your four-day weekend
A WEEKEND bookended by bank holidays is a rare opportunity to unwind from the stresses of life. Here’s how you’re going to completely waste it.
Six things you’ve never understood about the Easter story
HAVE you been confused about Jesus’s crucifixion ever since you learned about it at school? Here are some issues that really need clarifying.
Five deeply unfunny April Fools’ day jokes brands will make
NOT sure if a faceless corporation is pulling your leg? Check to see if it’s one of these exhaustingly tedious jokes that brands wheel out every April Fools’ Day.
Huge f**king satellite dishes, and four other stupid 2000s status symbols
IF you were keen to be an aspirational show-off in the 2000s, certain status symbols were vital. Was your house full of this sort of tat?
The five annoying habits of people who don’t know how to argue
ARE your attempts to have a debate frequently undermined by the other person's inability to argue without being a complete twat? Here are their annoying techniques.
Six other things that aren’t a problem according to a government report
RACISM is no longer a problem in the UK, thanks to a government report. So what other contemporary issues could be eradicated with some dubious research?
Being drunk and 10 miles from home: The downsides of a return to normality
EVERYONE is relieved that regular life is gradually resuming, but there’s a considerable downside. After a year, have you forgotten what normality is like?
Everyone leaving London going to same place
ALL Londoners leaving the capital for a better life are moving en masse to Cornwall and the Cotswolds, they have confirmed.
A pint of whelks, and other reasons Britain is shit at street food
BRITAIN now enjoys the incredible street food of a host of nations, which is fantastic because ours is shit. These are the vile things we eat with our fingers.
‘You f**king calling me a liar?’ says Archbishop of Canterbury
THE Archbishop of Canterbury has told Harry and Meghan that if they want to call him a liar he will come round and they can do it to his f**king face.
The Mr Men books 21st century Britain desperately needs
THE Mr Men helped us understand the world as children, but where are they now we’re baffled adults? These are the Mr Men books we need today...
‘What nationality are all these racists then?’ wonders confused Briton
A PUZZLED Briton is wondering, since the UK has been cleared of racism, where all these racists he keeps meeting are from.
Bruce Springsteen fan wondering when he’ll write song about Swindon
A BRITISH fan of Bruce Springsteen is wondering why his idol has never written a song about the Wiltshire town of Swindon.
Going To The Park For A Fight: the government guidelines
AS lockdown eases, many British citizens will be heading to a park, beach or beauty spot for drunken mayhem and a punch-up. Ensure you follow the rules:
Easter and the Royals – how to explain weird, outdated shit to your kids
RAISING kids is no easy task, especially when teachers are filling their heads with toxic crap about Easter being about ‘more than just eggs’.
How to still have a horrendously inconvenient wedding with only six people
FOR thousands of couples, the dream of a huge, ruinously expensive wedding is over. But your big day can still ruin your guests’ month.
Britain calls for global pandemic treaty it can be a total dick about
BRITAIN has joined world leaders to call for a global pandemic treaty it will immediately act like a total dick about.
Seven alternatives for when you forget your dog poo bags
YOUR delightful dog takes a dump right outside the school gates, and you’re all out of biodegradable bags? Here’s how to deal with the dirt...
