Wetherspoon unveils ‘Brexit Chaos’ breakfast
WETHERSPOON has unveiled its new 'Brexit Chaos' breakfast, which includes an unknown quantity of vague, ever-changing ingredients.
Homeworker wakes up two hours early to switch on bastard laptop
A HOMEWORKER is to get up at 6am to switch on her fucking laptop so it will be ready to use by about half-eight.
Can you tell which film your mum is trying to describe?
MUMS often recommend films but without being able to remember any key details. Can you decipher these mum film descriptions?
Second EU referendum to include ‘Are you an idiot?’ question
ANOTHER vote on leaving the EU should include questions designed to weed out total idiots, it has been claimed.
Elon Musk flounces off to Mars in a huff
ELON Musk has confirmed plans to go off to Mars in a strop.
I’ve met some dickheads in my time but wow, says Queen
THE Queen is marvelling that, after 66 years on the throne, she has just met the biggest knobhead of her reign so far.
Hoity-toity north-west lords it over rest of Britain with fancy hosepipe ban
SMUG homeowners in Cheshire and Lancashire are showing off to the rest of the UK about their highly exclusive hosepipe ban.
Badly-planned Tour de France route full of hills
SHOCKED Tour de France competitors have discovered that poor planning has led to a very mountainous route.
Nobody on Tinder into getting shitfaced and eating crisps in front of telly
EVERYONE on Tinder is into hiking and surfing and nobody is into getting smashed and chomping Pringles while watching crap, users skeptically report.
Whole carriage overjoyed as man running for train narrowly misses it
PASSENGERS on a train are rejoicing after a man desperately running to catch it failed to do so.
Shop assistant asking if you ‘need any help’ definitely thinks you’re going to nick something
SHOP assistants asking if you 'need any help' definitely suspect you of shoplifting, it has been revealed.
Trump nervously gives Putin list of people he’d like killed
PRESIDENT Trump has nervously given Putin a handwritten list of all the people he would like to have killed.
Non-football fans emerge from underground bunkers
PEOPLE who are not interested in football have emerged from their underground shelters.
Mates stage intervention for friend who quit drinking
A MAN who has given up drinking has been confronted with the risks and ramifications of his decision in a dramatic intervention by his friends.
Couple planning romantic weekend away considering inviting other people
A COUPLE planning a romantic weekend away are each thinking about bringing a friend for company, they have confirmed.
Give Belgium third place if they want it, England players agree
ENGLAND players have agreed that today’s third-place play-off should just be given to Belgium if they want it because it is no use to us.
Your guide to making sure no one sits next to you on the train
THE only way to stop a disgusting stranger sitting next to you on the train is to be that disgusting stranger. Here’s our guide to ensuring peace and quiet on your journey.
‘Hilarious’ chalkboard outside pub has no effect on man’s decision to get pissed
A MAN’s decision to get wasted in a pub was in no way influenced by a witty chalkboard message inviting him to come inside.
How is Trump planning to be a dick in the UK?
IT’S rare for Donald Trump to go anywhere without being a dick in some way, so what has he got planned for his stay in Britain?
He doesn’t even remember who I am, says sobbing Farage
NIGEL Farage has been sitting on the edge of his bed in the dark crying and holding a signed photo of President Trump, according to friends.
