Man following recipe on foodie blog just wants the f**king measurements please
A MAN trying to make a basic lasagne from a woman's blog had to read her entire life story before getting to the actual recipe.
What to talk about now you can’t go on a lavishly expensive holiday this year
DO you usually base 90 per cent of your conversations around your ludicrously expensive holiday plans? Here’s what to show off about in 2020 instead.
Couple excited to invite friends round for a drink and a piss in their garden
A COUPLE are looking forward to lockdown easing enough to have friends over for a drink in their garden and a wee behind the shed.
Footballers picking up 100k a week to have sex with beautiful women when they’re not even injured
FOOTBALLERS are currently being paid to have sex with beautiful women and drive expensive cars without having to kick a ball or suffer from thigh strain.
Everyday things now massive pain in the arse
TINY things are now a giant faff, Britons have realised as lockdown begins to ease.
Mum drops off kids 72 hours early for reopening of school
A DILIGENT mother-of-two has left her children at the school gates a full three days before their new term starts on Monday.
Cummings changes blog to say he guessed the twist in The Sixth Sense
SPECIAL adviser Dominic Cummings has changed his blog to suggest he knew Bruce Willis was dead the whole time in The Sixth Sense.
Six things to do with exactly six friends
NOW that we’re allowed to meet in groups of six, you’re probably wondering - what can I do with exactly five other people? Here are some excellent suggestions.
Boris Johnson’s tortured 3am thoughts about Dominic Cummings
EVER wondered what Boris Johnson really thinks about his chief adviser in the terrifying early hours of the morning? Here are his troubled thoughts.
UK running out of ways to f**k this up
BRITAIN is quickly running out of ways to f**k up its handling of the coronavirus, according to experts.
Man discovered alive after five years off social media
A MAN presumed to be dead after losing interest in social media in 2015 has been discovered alive and well and living in Colchester.
Man interrupts woman to say he’s a feminist
A MAN has interrupted a woman mid-sentence to remind her that he supports equal rights for women.
Five ironic punishments for Cummings that would appease the British public
THE anger towards the PM’s senior adviser doesn’t seem to be dying down. Perhaps these punishments could satisfy the country’s rage?
Daily walks are boring as shit, admit Britons
PEOPLE in Britain have admitted that their daily walks are really f**king boring now.
A day in the busy life of Boris Johnson
BEING prime minister is what we at Eton used to call an ‘awful fag’. Here’s what a typical day consists of for me, Boris Johnson, the greatest PM since Churchill.
Men happy to avoid talking to barbers
MEN are continuing to enjoy not having to make small talk with their barbers on a monthly basis.
Five things your partner’s distant stare could mean
DOES your partner stare into the distance and say they’re fine, but in a worrying way? Here are five things that could be causing it.
The new coronavirus rules for us and them explained
DESPITE the UK’s coronavirus rules changing next week, it seems likely that some people won’t have to stick to them. Here we explain the new two-tier system.
Teeth an endless, expensive ball-ache
MAINTAINING a healthy set of teeth is a painful lifelong struggle that will leave you massively out-of-pocket, it has emerged.
Man washing car a disturbing number of times
A MAN’S neighbour has been washing his Ford Galaxy a frankly distressing amount of times, it has emerged.
