THE UK has handed in its resignation because it is not prepared to work under Boris Johnson as prime minister, it has confirmed.
TOMORROW, and perhaps for years to come, you will be the resident of a country led by a truffle-snuffling entitled toddler. Here’s how to spend the final day without him.
THE landlords of a regional pub clearly aspire to run a trendy London gastropub but cannot quite get it right, regulars have agreed.
A SIX-year-old girl was left distraught after the d*ckhead tooth fairy went to the pub and forgot to take her tooth.
AN organisation of elderly fascists known as ‘the Tory grassroots’ is to install a megalomaniac man-child as ruler of the UK.
THE UK is waiting to find out who has won a Nigel Farage lookalike contest and will be awarded the grand prize of Britain.
JEREMY Hunt has told Iran that the big blonde lad over there called them nonces who would not have the b*llocks to officially declare war on Britain.
MARVEL is continuing its successful programme to turn the whole world into pathetic comics nerds. Here’s what you’ll be watching in President Trump’s second term...
THE audience for Question Time is the main reason Britain is so f*cked right now, research has confirmed.
The BBC is to launch a diversity initiative that will see it employ people from a broader range of middle-class backgrounds.
A MAN in his mid-30s thought all his mates were joking about having pension plans, he has admitted.
A YORKSHIREMAN has confirmed he has no problem with anyone translating his sentences into Southerner-approved English.
SIX weeks is longer than you get off in a year, but for anyone aged between four and 16 it’s just summer. Here’s how to keep them busy.
A PRIMARY school teacher has quit her job and plans to retire on the proceeds of the gifts she has received from thankful parents.
DO you fancy being being popular down the pub by spouting idiotic crowd-pleasing opinions? Here are some great ones to try.
A COUPLE’S pet dog is lying at their feet and deciding which of them he would kill and eat if he had absolutely no option.
A MAN has asked his daughter, who has been a vegetarian since she was 15 and is now 30, if she is “still not eating meat”.
SOMETIMES it’s hard to tell if you’re the sort of whiny Remoaner that Brexiters hate or you if just prefer logic and stability over years of unnecessary horsesh*t. Take our test and find out.
EXERCISE is great for your mental wellbeing because you can hide from your family and your problems in a cowardly way. Here are the best sports for avoiding real life.
A DOG owner is satisfied with the job she did of picking up 70 percent of a sh*t and leaving a good-sized chunk on the pavement.