EVERY politician in Britain has decided because only dickheads yearning to get on the property ladder matter.

BBC chairman Richard Sharp has resigned and received his coveted invite to the f**ked-by-Boris luncheon club on the same day.

DIANE Abbott has admitted that the events colloquially known as the Second World War were entirely new to her.

DOMINIC Raab is spending his final day in office on one last wild, no-holds-barred bullying spree.

LIKE Studio 54, Michael Gove’s cocaine hut on the roof of the Department for Levelling Up, Housing & Communities is legendary for its parties. Civil service insider Tom Logan reminisces.

THE government has outlined plans to teach every teenager maths so we never again have anyone as innumerate as Liz Truss in our country.

THE balconies of an upscale apartment complex are the ideal location for all the owners' assorted crap, they have confirmed.

A WOMAN is struggling to book a holiday that meets a long list of contradictory requirements, she has confirmed.

A MAN who obsessively watches ten football matches every week thinks your hobbies and interests mark you out as an oddball, it has emerged.

CRASHED at a friend's? Woken up 180 minutes before them? Fill the cavernous eternity before they surface with these tips.

HEN parties are ravaging Britain, and every single one includes these seven women.

LOTS of tourist attractions deserve their popularity. Then there are these destinations which have made a name for themselves based on nonsense.

THE 1970s were, it was believed at the time, a sexy decade. This is what got you laid when T. Rex roamed the charts.

WHEN it comes to acts of self abuse, men are all creatures of habit. These are the six stages they will follow when treating themselves to a hand shandy.

YOU only went shopping today, but most of your food has already mysteriously disappeared. Here are five telltale signs some git has been foraging through your fridge.

THE sight of a baby does not make a man want to have a baby. However, there are certain triggers which set their biological clocks ticking.

FLYING business class means nothing unless people you went to school with a decade ago know about it. Here’s how to broadcast your briefly exalted status.

WOMEN have confirmed they only cram their feet into tall pointy shoes is so they can make a delightful clip-clop sound as they walk.

A MAN who up until yesterday was an ardent Arsenal fan is now feigning ignorance about the sport of football as a whole, it has emerged.

MAURICIO Pochettino will today reluctantly agree to earn eight figures for doing a shit job as Chelsea manager until November.

YOU’LL never get on TV by actually winning the Marathon, so try getting the BBC’s attention with one of these wacky costumes instead.

HARRY Kane has been congratulated on becoming England’s top goal scorer but advised to do it during a World Cup quarter-final penalty.

THE landlord of a pub would give anything for it not to be a Sky f**king Sports one.

TONIGHT’S Match of the Day will be broadcast via live Ceefax updates, the BBC has announced.

AN online catfish who spent four months pretending to be a 24-year-old Belarusian model is devastated that his target ghosted him.

WHAT’S up, britches? Autocorrect here. You want to swear in your messages? Not on my watch. And just so you know, your powerlessness makes me jizz/jazz/joss.

THE Daily Mail is outraged that its readers will receive a text on their phones on Sunday, but would find these alerts absolutely necessary.

YESTERDAY’S SpaceX launch was predictably cancelled at the last moment because Elon Musk overpromises on all his tech projects. Like these.

FIRED up your phone's front-facing camera only for it to display your face in an unflattering light? Brush off the reality it's showing you with these lies.

THOUGHT you’d do a bit of work using the train wifi? Think again, fool. Here’s how attempting to connect will break your spirit in five depressing stages.

THERE are a lot of useless people in the world of entertainment who’ve spun a career out of utter mediocrity. Like these.

A WOMAN has finally collected enough dick pics from Tinder for a game of Top Trumps.

THE biggest loser in the planet’s history has asked for one adult ticket to see the new Mario movie, it has emerged.

A SONG that used AI to clone the voices of Drake and The Weeknd has been removed from Spotify. But which existing tracks already sound like generic shite made by robots?

A WOMAN signing up for a free trial of a paid streaming service genuinely believes she will cancel her membership before being charged.

BUSINESSES have announced plans to keep communicating their ‘brand stories’ until the public cracks and buys a product.

A MUGGER has told his victim that he simply needs to accept that he is poorer rather than furthering an inflationary spiral.

ATTENDEES at a business meeting have confirmed all the actual decisions were made in the final fifteen seconds before everyone stood up to leave.

BANKS have advised you, in the light of the ongoing banking crisis, not to get too comfortable in your house because they may need it back.

ONCE again you’re astride the porcelain facing five imaginary millionaires desperate to invest in the game-changing ideas you come up with mid-dump, like these.

ENERGY firms raking in billions of pounds of profit are at a loss as to why nobody is congratulating them.

ARE you the person that co-workers thinly veil their loathing for and try to avoid? Find out.

AN EMPLOYER admitted not including salary details on a job advertisement because the astronomical sum would warp applicants’ brains.

A MAN is not letting his belief that he did not get a job due to his skin colour be affected by a total lack of evidence.

THIS week the Daily Mail claimed homeworking will cause the same urban blight of drugs, crime and homelessness that has gripped San Francisco. Here’s what they think you get up to.

EVERY positive side effect of a four-day weekend will have been undone by the time office workers scuttle out for a sausage roll at one o’clock, it has been confirmed.

DRINKING at work used to be far more socially acceptable. These are some of the jobs it was absolutely fine to do while hammered.

IF you don’t drink at a social event with British people, they will regard you with fear and suspicion. Here is the very narrow range of reasons they will accept your sobriety.

ONLY staying for one? The immutable laws of the pub will prevent you from doing so as you become trapped in the following sequence.

A MAN who wisely decided not to mix his drinks on a night out cannot understand how he ended up so devastatingly hungover.

ARE today’s youths wasting their youth not getting wasted? How will they build up the necessary alcohol tolerance for their middle years? Roy Hobbs investigates.

TEATIME telly can be hard going. Here are five drinking games that'll see you all the way through to 8pm - when you can get pissed to something better on Netflix.

A MAN feels it is his duty to neck the rest of the six-pack after opening a single can of lager.