London must return to being a living hell or our economy is doomed
CRAMMED tube trains. Five-hour daily commutes. Soaring house prices. Jobs that barely pay a living wage. If London cannot return to this, the UK is doomed.
Woman whose work emails full of exclamation marks as dreadful as you’d expect
A WOMAN who liberally peppers her work emails with exclamation marks is just as powerfully irritating in real life, colleagues.
Chill the f**k out about dinosaurs, kids told
CHILDREN have been asked to please, God, chill the f**k out about dinosaurs.
Four selfish, hurtful cats that won’t let you pet them
THESE cats live on your street and aren’t busy, so it’s an absolute joke that they’re not into you giving them a little scratch. Ranked in order of selfishness.
‘Run schools from pubs?’ suggest teachers
TEACHERS have announced that they would be willing to relocate schools to pubs as a compromise to keep both open.
The Wetherspoon’s guide to fine dining in exquisite surroundings
THESE are desperate times, and so Wetherspoons, restaturant to the top echelon of society, has opened its doors to the hoi polloi.
Socially distanced office just f**king wonderful, declare workers
WORKERS in a socially distanced office have declared it to be absolutely marvellous and the way offices always should have been.
How to get over the injustice of your teenage niece having bigger boobs than you
MET up with family? Your niece – who’s 17 for God’s sake – already developed in ways you never will? Here’s how to curb your boob envy.
Female scientist gives up trying to tell male colleagues she found a vaccine in May
A FEMALE scientist who discovered a coronavirus vaccine in March has given up trying to tell her male colleagues.
Eight reasons why the Argos catalogue was better than Amazon
THE end of the Argos catalogue is the end of an era for Britain. Here’s why buying the same crap from Amazon will never feel as good.
Five annoying favours you should have said ‘F**k, no’ to
AGREED to do someone a favour and now deeply regretting it? Here are some little helping hands you'll hate every minute of.
Greater Manchester alert level raised from well bad to fookin’ ‘angin’
A RISE in Covid-19 cases has forced Greater Manchester to raise its alert level from well bad to fookin’ ‘angin’.
Five reasons why ‘Eat out to help out’ is bollocks
THE government’s half-price meal scheme begins today, but is it bollocks? Here's why you may not be rushing to take up Rishi Sunak’s incredibly generous offer.
The middle class guide to dirty talk
JUST because you’re a nice middle class person it doesn’t mean you can’t talk dirty in the bedroom. Here sex columnist Donna Sheridan shares her tips.
The office worker’s guide to what the f**k ‘an office’ is
YOU’VE been ordered back to ‘the office’. So what is this strange place, and why are you here?
Woman whose home looks stylish in video calls lying to herself and world
A WOMAN who made a corner of her flat appear minimalist and sleek for the purpose of video calls is starting to believe her own lies.
‘You won’t like me before my morning coffee’, jokes woman who no one has ever liked
A WOMAN has joked that she only becomes likeable after her morning coffee, to the surprise of colleagues who hate her at all times of day.
Female physicist trying to pinpoint exact times of prosecco and gin o’clock
A RENOWNED female scientist has made it her life’s work to establish the precise timings of ‘Prosecco o’clock’ and ‘Gin o’clock’.
‘Glamping’ just as shit as camping
GLAMPING is just camping with a wood-burning stove and a string of fairy lights, new research has found.
I cut out gluten and now everything in my life is perfect
LAST YEAR, I was a wreck. Overweight, ugly, deeply in debt, trapped in an unhappy marriage and playing Russian roulette every Saturday night just to feel alive.
