MALE? Every wondered why a seemingly sure thing suddenly evaporated? It’s because you said this.
THE public has been told not to panic-buy petrol, so of course that’s exactly what it’s doing. Here’s how to purchase fuel like a hoarding twat.
BEEN through an experience that was abjectly shit, but you’re trying to spin it? Here are five useful euphemisms for when you’ve been through the wringer.
THE country is in crisis and people are looking to Her Majesty’s Opposition for answers just as they’re having a seaside punch-up. These are the headline bouts.
A MAN'S gallant offer of his coat to a chilly date has backfired by her accepting and wearing it.
FIRST kisses are awkward, unsatisfying and not very romantic. So it makes sense they take place in these grotty locations.
THANKS to the miracle of television nobody needs hobbies. Yet people still piss away their free time on these dull activities:
YOU scrounging paupers have had it too easy for too long. Here's what we, the government, will be taking away after £20 off Universal Credit.
REMEMBER me? I’m the guy that overwhelmingly won the moral argument in 2017 and 2019. And now you’re living in my 1970s heaven. Let me show you round.
NADINE Dorries has been made the minister for culture war with a remit to have all Britain in vicious conflict about bullshit by 2024.
CONSERVATIVE backbenchers who backed tax rises for social care are against cutting Universal Credit by £20 and what the f**k?
THE government has once again reneged on the manifesto that swept it into power, like it always does. Practised Tory voter Wayne Hayes explains how to handle it.
MARGARET Thatcher is rising from her grave in horror at Boris Johnson’s social care tax rises, senior Conservatives believe.
READY for the return of the shortages and inflation of the 1970s? Don’t worry, the Tories won’t offer us these comforts...
A CREDULOUS loser of a student has signed up to all the societies at his university’s Freshers’ Fair.
IN 1974, coal shortages forced Britain to move to a three-day working week. As that prospect looms again, Britons remember those times entirely inaccurately.
INFLATION is skyrocketing, which is bad news for those household items that are guttingly expensive. Which are you digging deep for?
A MAN who never knows when it is appropriate to tip always decides it would be less embarrassing not to, friends have noticed.
A SINGLE woman in her mid-30s with no kids cannot tell if she is winning at life or a complete and utter loser.
HATE mornings? Want to extend that feeling to the rest of the day? These tried-and-tested methods will ruin the whole week.
KIDS are weird, and the crap they play with is equally f**ked up. Take these five unhinged toys.
TOTAL f**king bastards who sat and watched everyone else try to enjoy themselves on British holidays have been cleared to go abroad.
INSULTING people is too complicated these days, what with irritating epithets such as 'cockwomble'. Here are some old classics:
ME? I’m the guy in earbuds. All day every day, from the train to the coffeeshop to the office, through every conversation. Because I’m a dick, that’s why.
REMAINERS have admitted that unprecendented British sporting success the first summer after Brexit is not doing their cause any favours.
THERE are many reasons the education secretary could have confused Rashford and Itoje, and none of them were because they are both black. It was probably one of these:
RONALDO is an absolutely crap transfer for Manchester United who’ve proved what a total desperate mess they are, as fans of other teams explain.
WANT to annoy the hell out of people who don't give two shits that the football season has started again? Try these tactics.
SOME football shirts indicate that you’re a twat from a mile off. If you’re a fan of one of these clubs know that you’re judged by everyone.
THE UK has proudly proclaimed that its Olympic heroes mean it is a major world power, while ignoring empty supermarket shelves.
AUDI'S driverless cars will be specially programmed to treat other road users just as badly as current Audi drivers.
AT some point we all need an expensive expert to help us. Here are five people who can shaft you, and there's nothing you can do.
YOU'VE officially passed your driving test and you’re allowed to be in a car on your own. But can you actually drive? Time to find out.
HAVE you just spaffed an hour of your life up the wall reading bigoted comments from illiterate strangers online? Here’s how to cope.
AMAZON boss Jeff Bezos is blasting into space, and there’s surely no reason to be suspicious about what the f**k he’ll do while he’s there. But why is he going?
GB NEWS has lost leading man Andrew Neil and is haemorrhaging viewers as even Farage is tired old repeats. Can anything save it?
EVERY positive addition to the cultural canon has now been irreparably destroyed by its own fans, a new study has found.
ANDREW NEIL is unemployed after jacking in GB News just three months after he started it. What dickhead job could he do next?
SOAP opera Coronation Street is to tackle the emotive issue of being Northern in a new storyline, it has emerged.
MEETING a date for a movie, the coward’s choice for anyone worried they’ll have nothing to say? Choose one of these and you’ll never see them again.
ENERGY firms facing bankruptcy due to soaring bills have been patronisingly advised that a prepayment meter would control their spending.
NOBODY'S using trains because they're expensive as f**k and always late. Here's what they'd have to do to be more appealing.
WETHERSPOONS boss Tim Martin has confirmed that when he finds out who f**ked up his business by taking his beer and chefs away, they are dead.
IS your once-bustling high street now a parade of empty shops and broken dreams? Here are five ideas to bring life back to your city centre.
A WORLDWIDE pandemic paired with a global recession is no match for heroic rising British property prices, it has emerged.
WORKING from a cafe? Trying to convince yourself it was a good idea? These are the reasons it wasn’t.
LOOKING to waste as much time as possible during your 9-5? Try these tips:
A GROUP of colleagues in their first real-life meeting in 18 months are all struggling not to press mute and call each other wankers.
AN absolute twat of a boss has rewarded an employee who finished their assignments in good time with yet more f**king work.
OFFICES across Britain are trying to tempt employees to stop working from home by allowing them to go completely bottomless.
A MAN has agreed with the eighth colleague he has held a lengthy conversation about office working with that it is so much more efficient.
THIS weekend marks the official end of Britain’s relaxed, airy summer drinking and the beginning of a hard winter of grim-faced serious drinking.
DRINKING three glasses of red wine a week is good for your health, according to new research. Functioning alcoholic Donna Sheridan gives her misinterpretation:
A PISS-TAKING bastard of a mate will always order a large glass of white wine when it is your turn to get a round in, he has confirmed.
POPPING the local for one? Prepared to overhear the most appallingly lunatic conversations ever?
SOME hangovers don't fade away by the end of Lorraine, or lunchtime, or even early evening. Here's how they progress:
FROM Special Brew to snakebite, you drank some truly awful shit just to get drunk as fast as possible in the 90s. Here are the dated drinks that will make you heave now.