The Leave voter’s guide to who to blame for Brexit
BREXIT’S going tits-up, and it can’t be your fault because you voted Leave. Wayne Hayes explains who to point the finger at for undermining our sovereignty.
Britain’s Lush stores full of awkward boyfriends out of their depth
HORDES of bewildered boyfriends are milling around Lush desperately seeking Christmas gifts for their partners.
Do you have an irrational hatred of London?
LONDON entering tier 3 lockdown is great news if you’re nuturing a hatred of London and everyone in it. Are you one of those dicks?
Six signs everyone thinks you’re a f**king terrible driver
DOES anyone getting into your car first ask questions about whether it has working airbags? Then you’re the kind of driver everyone hates being in a car with. These are the signs.
Sending a blank PDF: the deadline-dodging tricks of Boris Johnson
THE EU keeps imposing deadlines like idiots who don’t know they’re up against the most experienced deadline-dodger in politics. Here’s how I mock them.
Cat fuming that his name was on family Christmas card
A FAMILY cat is livid that his name was added to all the Christmas cards sent by his household without his permission.
‘Je ne suis pas insured’, and other essential No Deal phrases
STILL planning to visit our sworn enemies in Europe? After our no-deal exit, you’ll need to add these key phrases to your linguistic arsenal.
Fairy lights solve everything, says Britain
BRITONS have confirmed that the best way to deal with a pandemic, Brexit and winter is to throw shitloads of fairy lights at them.
Sending gunboats after the French exactly what I voted for, says Brexiter
A BREXITER has confirmed that deploying the Royal Navy to fire on French fishermen is absolutely what he voted for in 2016.
Mrs Brown’s Boys and five other shit things which will survive the End of Days
IT’S no great leap of imagination to picture us all going to hell in a handcart soon. Which linchpins of modern society will still be going strong after the apocalypse?
Five good things Brexit has already given me as a Leaver
IT looks like we're just hours away from crashing out of the EU without a deal and finally getting our country back. Here are some of the wonderful benefits we’ve already had from Brexit.
New car essential for superiority reasons, confirms school-run mum
A WOMAN has confirmed she needs a giant SUV to demonstrate that she earns more than the rest of the parents in her son’s class.
Boris Johnson to remember it’s Brexit deadline day at about 4pm
THE prime minister is today expected to rise late, enjoy a lengthy lunch, lie about farting then remember his Brexit deadline at approximately 4pm.
Cash vs gifts: a teenager’s guide to screwing the maximum value out of relatives
IT’S the dilemma for any teenager at Christmas: you want cash, but know you can con aunties into spending more on a gift. Rip them off more effectively with our guide.
Thoughtful husband reminds wife she needs to buy presents for his family too
A CARING family man has thoughtfully given his wife a list of his relatives to choose, purchase and wrap presents for.
Kids refuse to do a thing unless there’s a café after the thing
Two children have made it clear that a country walk is not acceptable if it does not include a café afterwards.
Have your own bed and house: secrets to a lasting marriage
THE strongest marriages can weather any storm, particularly if you only occasionally see each other. Here's how to ensure your marriage lasts.
Hating the Germans and other things Brits should just let go of now
BRITAIN has a proud history of dwelling on the past. But as we enter the season of goodwill here are some things we as a nation should probably have let go of a while back.
Prepare for food shortages, mass unemployment and a 10-year recession, says proud prime minister
THE UK has been told to get ready for food shortages, rampant inflation and losing their jobs and homes by a strong, resolute prime minister.
New Apple headphones block out people laughing at you
APPLE’S new AirPods Max headphones are capable of blocking out people laughing at you for paying £549 for them, it has emerged.
