Woman opts for celibacy rather than tidying her room
A WOMAN has decided never to have sex again rather than endure the horror of tidying her bedroom.
Johnson opens Merkel talks with five minutes of Nazi jokes
BORIS Johnson is to put Angela Merkel at her ease with a solid five minutes of Nazi jokes at today’s meeting, he has confirmed.
How to blame other people for your Brexit bullsh*t
WHETHER you’re the prime minister or an ordinary Leaver, it’s time to start blaming other people for Brexit. Here’s how to try and shift the blame.
Boyfriend thinking of doing stand-up comedy instantly 85% less attractive
THE girlfriend of a man who believes he is funny enough to be a stand-up comedian is considering terminating the relationship immediately.
Child who calls parents by their first names freaking everyone out
A CHILD with trendy parents who uses their first names instead of 'mum' and 'dad' is having a chilling effect on people.
Are you tediously wholesome enough to be a Bake Off contestant?
THE new Bake Off contestants look so pleasant and well-adjusted you're probably feeling a bit nauseous already. But are you annoyingly nice enough to get on the show? Read our checklist.
The Brexiter’s guide to ending freedom of movement
BREXITERS will be delighted by plans to end freedom of movement, but have you thought it through properly? Read our guide on the slim off-chance you haven’t.
Living life to the full ‘not the same as getting p*ssed every day’
A CONTROVERSIAL new study suggests that leading a rich and full life might not necessarily involve getting sh*tfaced as often as possible.
Late night trip to Tesco still oddly thrilling
GOING to a supermarket at 4am is strangely exciting and edgy even though it is just full of knackered people stacking shelves, it has been confirmed.
Tedious b*stard decides his personality is ‘meat eater’
A MAN without much personality has decided to compensate by constantly telling people how into meat he is.
The idiot’s guide to changing your name
WANT to change your name? Perhaps you’re on the run or just tired of being called Leslie Smallcock? Here’s how to do it without sounding like a tw*t.
Woman who watched Mindhunter believes boyfriend is a serial killer
A WOMAN who binge-watched all the episodes of Mindhunter is convinced she has developed an instinct for sniffing out sadistic murderers.
Playing cricket in England for five days ‘practical joke that went too far’
THE idea of holding a five-day cricket match in England was initially conceived as a prank, it has emerged.
The Government’s real and completely amazing no-deal Brexit plans
THE Government has revealed its real no-deal Brexit plans, drawn up by Michael Gove and his 14-year-old son at their Cornish holiday cottage yesterday afternoon.
Idiots at outdoor cinema shiver through film they’ve seen before
Film fans at an outdoor cinema event insisted they had a great time shivering through a film they have all seen several times before.
Woman’s handbag basically a dustbin with leather handles
A WOMAN’S designer leather handbag has gradually evolved into a crap-filled portable dustbin.
Best not to think about what cheese is, say experts
EXPERTS have agreed that it is best for everyone if we neither think about nor acknowledge what cheese actually is.
Woman becomes self help guru simply by putting every 10th word in all-caps
A WOMAN has become a self help guru after accidentally putting every 10th word she writes in capital letters.
Whistleblower reveals Britain’s universities ‘full of dweebs’
AN anonymous whistleblower has revealed that Britain's universities are hotbeds of dweebish behaviour.
Best man’s speech makes everyone realise groom is genuinely awful person
A BEST man speech has succeeded in turning everyone the groom has ever cared about against him.
