Teacher given whole box of Maltesers for putting up with absolute little shit for a year
A TEACHER who kept her temper with an outstandingly horrible adolescent girl for a full year has been rewarded with a £3 box of Maltesers.
Man proves how manly he is by making car go faster than other man
A MAN has proved he is extremely masculine and virile by driving slightly faster than another man, he feels.
Tosser won’t f**king shut up about meeting Keith Allen
A MAN will not stop name-dropping the only celebrity he has ever met, actor and alleged ‘hellraiser’ Keith Allen.
Tedious twats with totally ordinary house want to give you ‘the tour’
A COUPLE with a completely unremarkable semi-detached two-bedroom house still insist on giving guests ‘the grand tour’.
How to have a brilliant DIY funeral
MORE and more people are choosing ‘DIY’ funerals which are cheap but just as much fun as proper ones. Read our guide to burying yourself or loved ones on a budget.
Have you found your soulmate or are they just less annoying than everyone else?
IS the person you’re going out with the missing part of your soul or do they just get on your nerves less than your exes did? Take our test and find out.
How are you pretending to be busy at work?
WHAT devious techniques are you using to look as if you’re working when you’re not? Read our guide - and maybe even learn some new ways to skive!
Couple move to countryside for simpler life of getting up at 5am to commute
A COUPLE have moved to a small village so that they can enjoy fresh air, long walks, and catching a train to work at an insanely early hour.
Excessive exclamation mark users vow they will ‘never stop!!!’
PEOPLE who use a ludicrous number of exclamation marks have refused to write in a less annoying style.
‘Generation Sensible’ mainly into being sanctimonious little twats in surveys
A NEW generation of young people are rejecting sex, drugs and alcohol in favour of wanking on about their mature lifestyle in surveys.
Man who introduces himself with ‘I’m an atheist’ not much fun at parties
A MAN who immediately tells people he does not believe in god or organised religion is not a barrel of laughs at social gatherings.
Woman finds herself in fast walking race with person behind her
A WOMAN found herself trying to walk faster than someone behind her for no good reason, it has emerged.
‘I’m not Trump,’ says Trump
DONALD Trump has denied being this ‘President Trump’ who has apparently done something bad.
Man thinks not liking things is the same as having a personality
A MAN thinks disliking popular stuff makes him interesting, it has emerged.
Totally chaotic, f**ked-up mess of a family to get third dog
A FAMILY that exists in a state of filthy chaos has agreed that it would be great to get a third dog.
Work anniversaries are not a thing, world informs LinkedIn
HUMANS do not celebrate the anniversary of getting their job, the world has told LinkedIn.
Woman whose boyfriend says he likes ‘natural look’ to stop washing
A WOMAN whose boyfriend claims he likes women who look ‘natural’ is going to stop washing her hair and shaving her toes, she has confirmed.
Time-travelling smartarse ‘is terrible role model for children’
DOCTOR Who is a totally unrealistic and quite annoying role model for children, parents have realised.
I’ve met some dickheads in my time but wow, says Queen
THE Queen is marvelling that, after 66 years on the throne, she has just met the biggest knobhead of her reign so far.
Wetherspoon unveils ‘Brexit Chaos’ breakfast
WETHERSPOON has unveiled its new 'Brexit Chaos' breakfast, which includes an unknown quantity of vague, ever-changing ingredients.
