Five ways to drive yourself up the f**king wall looking up a song

GOT a song in your head but can’t remember anything concrete about it? Here’s how to drive yourself insane while trying to find it.

'Your vegetable likeness infringed on my client’s trademarks': The next six legal letters sent by Liz Truss

LIZ Truss has threatened to sue Keir Starmer for saying she crashed the economy. And her legal delusions do not end there.

My lesson in 'gammonomics' for Rachel Reeves. By Roy Hobbs

I COULD have told you Rachel Reeves would bugger up the economy. She needs a lesson in ‘gammonomics’ - economics based on good old common sense. And I'm happy to oblige.

The reason Keir Starmer is protecting the grooming gangs? He is their kingpin

WHO is Keir Starmer protecting so steadfastly, with his refusal to grant the inquiry requested by Elon Musk on X? Jeremy Corbyn? Prince Andrew? No. Himself.

A mouldy cupboard or a house where you can't use the kitchen: The six types of spare room listing

LOOKING to rent a room in one of Britain’s finest overpriced cities? Here are your options from bad to worse to somehow even worser.

Are you in love or do you just like the same TV shows? A quiz

HAVE you found ‘the one’, or do you just want to sit on the sofa with a person with compatible taste in television programmes? Find out with this quiz.

Snow magical until you have to be out in it

THE wonderful carpet of white blanketing the land and falling in fat flakes from the sky is all well and good until you need to walk somewhere, Britons have confirmed.

Air-kissing, and other things that might not be sexual harassment but are f**king annoying

A JUDGE in Croydon has ruled that air-kissing is not sexual harassment. So which other friendly gestures aren’t criminal but remain incredibly irritating?

Brat vs Dark Side of the Moon: The dad's guide to totally unfair album comparisons

THE bestselling albums of 2024 have been announced, and they prove today’s music is rubbish compared to what dads listened to in their youth. Let’s compare totally different things.

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Politics

How to turn any conversation to 'Vote Reform!': a guide for arsehole uncles this Christmas

UNCLE? Aged 50 or above? Then Christmas is nothing more than an opportunity to win Nigel Farage the next election. This is how to hijack every topic.

It’s normal to be outraged at being f**ked over even if warned, explain Waspi women

WOMEN cheated out of five years of retirement have patiently informed the government that even if they were told about it being pissed off is justified.

Everyone in UK to be paid £500 to like Nigel Farage

EVERY man, woman and child in Britain is to be paid £500 by Elon Musk to have positive views about Nigel Farage.

My father was a sandwich, says Starmer

KEIR Starmer has come to the defence of sandwiches by pointing out that his father was a convenient bread-based meal.

No more fact-checking, promises horse-f**ker Mark Zuckerberg
META boss Mark Zuckerberg, who enjoys regular sexual congress with thoroughbred horses at his Palo Alto home, has told his platforms to drop fact-checking.

Society

Estate agents still not vile enough to put Britain off buying houses

BEING condescended to and looked down upon by estate agents is still insufficiently demeaning to stop people buying houses, it has emerged.

Man excited to see house on TV following grisly murder in street

A MAN was delighted to catch a glimpse of his own home on TV during a news item about a killing just metres from his front door. 

2025 gone to shit in record time

2025 has defied expectations by descending into a grim hellscape within a single day, it has emerged.

'For the love of Christ, play with your new toys' child told

A CHILD complaining of boredom has been handed the ultimate slapdown with a suggestion he play with his new toys though it is the last thing he wants to do.

Cheese-rolling, and other quirky feel-good stories of 2024 with sinister subtexts

THE time of year when the media fills space with round-up of whimsical news stories of the year has come around. But are they actually deeply disturbing conspiracies?

'Start, you absolute twat' car warning issued across the UK
THE Met Office has issued desperate, tearful pleading with your car warnings for huge swathes of the country.

Lifestyle

We ask you: Are you free for a drink with Nick Clegg as he's not got many friends?

NICK Clegg has left Meta and will fancy going to the pub once he's back in the UK. But after austerity and tuition fees he’s not too popular, so would you mind going as a favour?

Five reasons nobody except knobheads make telephone calls anymore

TELEPHONE calls are rarely made by anyone except annoying twerps these days, and for good reason. Here’s why.

Britain has no f**king idea what to do with this much time off

ACROSS the country, adults are realising that once given more than four days off in a row they run out of things to do and visit garden centres.

Mum wondering what to charge per head

A MOTHER of three is trying to set the right cover charge for tomorrow’s Christmas dinner with her family.

Financially pressured millennial can only afford to cover entire body in tattoos

A MILLENNIAL unable to afford a car or house deposit is barely able to cover the cost of his all-over ink, he has confirmed.

Search on for bastard who gave Trump a map
THE US is hunting down the thoughtless prick who provided Donald Trump with a map of the world and caused all this trouble.

Sport

BBC to win back gammon football fans by replacing Lineker with a woman

THE BBC has apologised to right-wing football fans for employing a man with vaguely left-wing views and hopes this woman will make up for it.

Money to host 2034 World Cup

HUGE sums of dirty money have been chosen to host the 2034 World Cup in Saudi Arabia.

That's the club I know and love, say 90s Man City fans

ALIENATED 1990s Manchester City fans admitted seeing their club blow a 3-0 lead against Feyenoord last night was like coming home.

Ten iconic Premier League managers ranked by what bastards they'd be as father-in-laws

THE storied history of the Premier League is rich with legendary managers, and Christian Gross. But which would you least look forward to seeing every other Christmas?

Gary Lineker's reign of terror to end

LIBERAL despot Gary Lineker, who has cruelly ruled Britain from his throne of football lies for decades, has announced he is to step down.

Organised crime reveals it is behind new food trends
CRIME organisations including the Mafia, Yakuza and the Triads have confirmed they are in total control of new trends in gastronomy.

Science & Technology

'How to get Oasis tickets or are they shit': The top Google searches of 2024

GOOGLE has released the UK’s most frequent search terms of 2024, no, not the porn ones. The results will surprise and depress everyone.

The sad bastard's guide to using entirely inappropriate websites to try and pull women

IS a woman under the age of 55 asking for plumber recommendations on Nextdoor? Or flirtatiously adding career goals on LinkedIn? You should definitely make a move. Here’s how.

Best Shouty Blonde Moron: The TikTok Awards 2024 categories

THE first UK and Ireland TikTok Awards are here, and what a feast of quality they promise to be. These are the categories.

They only go as fast as a milk float: Seven things gammons firmly believe about EVs

CONSUMERS are rejecting electric cars for a variety of reasons, but it’s great news for right-wing blokes who’ve always hated these effeminate vehicles. Here Roy Hobbs explains why you shouldn’t buy one.

Five fair, reasonable punishments for people who use their phones in the cinema

NO reprisal is too extreme for the subhuman scum who use their bright phones in dark cinemas. Even these punishments are entirely reasonable.

Andrew Tate bullied for playing with dolls: attention-seeking knobs and the traumas that made them that way
WE live in an era of delusional, attention-seeking knobheads working out their unresolved traumas on us. These are the incidents they cannot get past.

Arts & Entertainment

Sex on Fire, and other songs so terrible they overshadow anything good the artist ever achieved

IT only takes one appalling song to undermine a musical legacy. Here are the tunes that ruined everything for the talented idiots who wrote them.  

Sophie Ellis-Bextor's guide to doing karaoke at your local pub

HORRIBLE people have criticised Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s New Year’s Eve BBC show. However the singer feels it was a performance worthy of any pub karaoke night. Here are her tips.

Mum forcing family to watch old, shit film

A MOTHER is selfishly forcing her entire family to watch a film that was made before 1990 and is therefore a slow, cheap, boring torture.

How to join the National Richard Osman Crappy Christmas Book Opt-out Register

KEEN to avoid being gifted the latest mediocre book by a TV celebrity abusing their fame by way of the written word? Complete the following form and email to the Home Office:.

The MasterChef Christmas special they didn't want you to see

LIKE an 80s video nasty or the Star Wars Holiday Special, Masterchef’s Christmas show will never be seen by anyone. These are descriptions of the most chilling scenes. Reader discretion advised.

Lovers' Guide, and other sexy things that look pathetically dated in hindsight

THE famous 1991 sex tips video Lovers’ Guide is in the news due to the sad death of one its stars. But like so many vaguely forbidden sex things, the reality didn’t match up...

Business

Which shops on your high street are money-laundering people-smuggling fronts? A Mash investigation

A CANDY store. A Turkish barber. A newsagent which also does parcel returns. One of these must be genuine, but which? Reporter Emma Bradford investigates.

Water: How hard can it f**king be?

WATER: it falls from the skies. Collect it, treat it, send it out through the taps, sieve out the turds, treat it, job f**king done. Is that so hard, water companies?

Renationalised rail firms to be as great as local councils

THREE rail operators which are to be renationalised next year will soon have the same fantastic quality and customer service as your local council.

Man driving 2008 Fiat Punto not buying Jaguar because it’s 'gone woke'

A MAN working night shifts as a security guard and driving a 16-year-old Fiat Punto has abandoned plans to buy a Jaguar F-Type because the brand is now woke.

King Charles becoming a horse, and nine other news alerts from Apple's AI
APPLE’S fantastic new AI is providing false news alerts including Rafael Nadal coming out and Luigi Mangione shooting himself. Expect these over the day.

Work

"I'm at work, you f**kers"

HAVING a good time? Sat on your sofas, stuffing your faces, watching Saturday Kitchen? Christ I hate you. I’m at work.

Hot desking, and other workplace initiatives to guarantee a hostile environment

MODERN jobs like to advertise perks to improve your wellbeing at work. But while they're appealing in theory, you'll soon start to feel it's oppression of the workers.

Photocopier planning to skip office Christmas party

A PHOTOCOPIER has decided not to attend this year’s office Christmas party because it finds it always a degrading experience, it has confirmed.

Not sitting next to the boss: Office Christmas party options you wish were on offer

THE time has come to select your flavour of forced festivity with workmates. But you’re offered bone-dry turkey or pan-roasted hake when these are the options you want.

Homeworker only in office for the biscuits

A HOMEWORKER has begun to come into the office every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday purely for its selection of biscuits, colleagues believe.

Pretend you've never heard of Microsoft Word: how to get out of work tasks, fast

ASKED to do something at work, which is really unfair considering the weekend you’ve had? Determined to lower expectations? Try these simple techniques.

Barista spells your name wrong deliberately because you're a twat
A STARBUCKS staff member who always writes a terrible misspelling of your forename on your cup does so because the consensus of the staff is that you are an arsehole.

Alcohol

Nation excitedly begins countdown to Dry January

THE UK is excitedly counting down the hours, minutes and seconds until Dry January can begin, it has emerged.

How to shock the nation with disgraceful scenes of drunken behaviour, but at home

TONIGHT photographers will be prowling to catch shameful scenes of pissed-up Britain showing its knickers and urinating publicly. But how can you do this at home?

Britain still lying about how drunk it is

THE UK has yet to meet even minimum standards of honesty about its level of intoxication, it has emerged.

Claims that Gen Z do not drink slightly undermined by prevalence of pissed-up kids

ASSERTIONS that sensible younger people avoid alcohol are being challenged by the sheer number of hammered teenagers everywhere you go.

How to make any pint into a Guinness

A LOOMING Guinness shortage will deprive millions of their favourite tipple, but don’t despair – following these simple tips will turn any pint into a Guinness.

Two women sharing bottle of Chardonnay discover they're right about everything

TWO friends who have just finished their first bottle of Chardonnay have discovered they both hold the correct views on every subject there is.

Three days snowed in at the pub: what it's actually like and why you'd hate it
A GROUP of drinkers spent three days snowed in at a Yorkshire pub and are gamely pretending they loved it. They didn’t and nor would you.