Dubai still best holiday destination to get locked up for no f**king reason
DUBAI is still absolutely the best place to go if you want sun, luxury and to be imprisoned for life by a kangaroo court, say travel experts.
Paganism much better than capitalism, confirm people frolicking while you’re at work
BEING a Pagan who frolicks naked in the woods is much better than being a capitalist pig, experts have confirmed.
Brexiters told to try walking away with ‘no deal’ in everyday life and see how that works for them
BREXITERS keen on leaving the EU with no deal have been told to try walking away without a deal in their personal transactions and then report back.
Five coups more successful than Jacob Rees-Mogg’s
AFTER years claiming to be a powerful Conservative force, Jacob Rees-Mogg’s attempt to unseat May has left him as humiliated as his tiny mentula left him in the showers at Eton.
Britons confirm they’ll vote for anything as long as they never hear the word ‘Brexit’ again
EVERYONE in Britain has confirmed they will happily vote for absolutely anything as long as they do not have to ever hear the word 'Brexit' ever again.
Wife lying in wait to ruin husband’s anecdote
A WIFE who is very bored of hearing the same anecdote yet again is lying in wait to ruin it at just the right moment.
Man who argued with cretins online forgot he didn’t have to
A MAN who spent ages arguing with idiots online had forgotten that he does not actually need to do that.
Gibraltar ‘a real place’
GIBRALTAR is a real place and not a mythical island covered in monkeys and cheap fags, it has emerged.
Couple buying everything from ‘independent retailers’ this Christmas told to just sod off
A COUPLE who are doing their Christmas shopping at independent retailers instead of buying the same stuff cheaper online have been told to do everyone a favour and sod off.
Amnesty International secures release of Coco, the Coco Pops monkey
COCO the Coco Pops monkey has been freed, emaciated and blinking at the light, by campaigners from Amnesty International.
Woman who won’t put fast food in her mouth will put bleach on her bumhole
A WOMAN will not put McDonald's food in her mouth but will put actual bleach on her anus, she has confirmed.
Darts players tested to make sure they’re pissed
DARTS players will be drug tested to ensure they are properly pissed.
Man believes CD collection worth actual money
A 45-YEAR-OLD has confirmed plans to sell his treasured CD collection for the few hundred pounds he still believes he will get for them.
DUP reminding everyone of that angry, dickhead flatmate
THE DUP is increasingly reminding the UK of that one flatmate they had who was always standing in the kitchen, arms folded, furious.
Johnson and Rees-Mogg hold secret meeting in treehouse where girls aren’t allowed
BORIS Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg have held super-secret talks in a proper tree house where girls are not allowed, especially Theresa May and Amber Rudd.
What the hell is the ‘Nations League’ and why does anyone care?
ENGLAND are through to the semi finals of an irrelevant competition that's not even as old as Prince William's youngest child, but, how much do you know or care about the national side's apparent footballing 'success'?
Explained: The six possible Brexit shitshows
THE UK has reached a Brexit crossroads, but which ill-advised choice will we make and which completely avoidable shitshow will we stumble idiotically into? Here are six possible scenarios:
Monday morning and I’m still f**king here, says May
THE prime minister has announced that it is Monday fucking morning and she is still fucking here.
We’d still vote Brexit, say people who pay little or no attention to the news
LEAVE voters who read newspapers from the back forward and watch the news twice a year have confirmed they would still vote for Brexit.
