TV shows they wouldn’t make nowadays, according to a gammon
BACK in the old days? That was proper telly mate. Everyone’s too afraid of the woke mafiarti to make shows like these anymore, and you should be hypothetically furious.
Six things middle-aged people probably shouldn’t be into
IN your 40s but with hopelessly childish tastes? These are the hobbies that you need to drop to grow the f**k up.
We’ll all have a great 2021, and the other dumbshit things you believed this time last year
REMEMBER how idiotically optimistic you were a fortnight into this shitstorm, 12 months ago? Remember how unthinkingly you believed these laughable delusions?
The six places delivery drivers leave your parcel
OUR eternal lockdown has left us all over-reliant on parcel deliveries. But where in the general vicinity of your postcode has your package been left this time?
Jesus spent Easter Tuesday catching up on admin, says Vatican
NEWLY-RELEASED Bible verses have revealed that after his ‘lost’ Easter weekend, Jesus spent the next day trying to get his paperwork sorted out.
Ramming swabs up our noses twice a week wasn’t on the f**king roadmap, says Britain
A CONFUSED public is pretty sure sticking a six-inch swab up their nose twice a week was not originally included in Boris Johnson’s roadmap.
Snow falling across North as per bloody usual
SNOW is falling across Scotland and northern England just as it always does right into bloody August.
How to never pay your friends back for anything
ALWAYS getting mates to spot you cash with no intention of paying them back? Money-saving expert Jordan Gardner explains how to defraud your nearest and dearest:
Only surviving ingredient of Easter nests is cornflakes
A MUM who congratulated herself on her forward planning has had to re-purchase the ingredients for Easter nests four times so far.
‘Can’t believe we got through it’ says employed homeowner with loving family and no worries
A MAN with no real-world problems is amazed that he and his family have survived the UK’s winter lockdown.
Key points for your crappy little Easter garden get-together
PLANNING an Easter get-together in your garden with a strictly limited number of family members? Make sure it’s no fun for anyone with these tips.
A minuscule jewel-studded thong: five things to buy now the contactless limit is £100
THE contactless payment limit has risen from £45 to £100, so what will you be spending your frictionless money on in an economy ravaged by inflation?
Flaunting curves: the Daily Mail’s breakdown of everything a woman does wrong while walking down the street
NOTHING stirs the moral outrage of a Mail reader like the sight of a young woman shamelessly out in public. Here’s that needless provocation broken down,
Five unbearable TV couples
LOVE TV, but hate the smug couples you’re supposed to root for? Here are five awful pairings to inspire you never to find love.
Five pretentious house names that mark you out as a twat
DO you have the urge to give your very ordinary home a wanky name? Here are some tried-and-tested examples for inspiration.
Six things you’ve never understood about the Easter story
HAVE you been confused about Jesus’s crucifixion ever since you learned about it at school? Here are some issues that really need clarifying.
Man whose wife wants skirting boards painting knows how Jesus felt
A MAN whose wife has told him he must spend the Easter break painting the skirting boards feels he now fully understands Christ’s ordeal on the cross.
How you’re going to squander your four-day weekend
A WEEKEND bookended by bank holidays is a rare opportunity to unwind from the stresses of life. Here’s how you’re going to completely waste it.
Whether to watch Finding Dory for the 67th time – a child discusses the pros and cons
AS a child, should you subject your parents to the 67th viewing of Finding Dory, or try a film you’ve never seen before? Here six-year-old Lauren Hewitt weighs up the arguments.
16 places you’ll be allowed to go with a vaccine passport
BORIS Johnson has denied any decision has been made on vaccine passports, which means they are a nailed-on certainty. But where will they allow you to go?
