A WOMAN has decided never to have sex again rather than endure the horror of tidying her bedroom.
BORIS Johnson is to put Angela Merkel at her ease with a solid five minutes of Nazi jokes at today’s meeting, he has confirmed.
WHETHER you’re the prime minister or an ordinary Leaver, it’s time to start blaming other people for Brexit. Here’s how to try and shift the blame.
THE girlfriend of a man who believes he is funny enough to be a stand-up comedian is considering terminating the relationship immediately.
A CHILD with trendy parents who uses their first names instead of 'mum' and 'dad' is having a chilling effect on people.
THE new Bake Off contestants look so pleasant and well-adjusted you're probably feeling a bit nauseous already. But are you annoyingly nice enough to get on the show? Read our checklist.
BREXITERS will be delighted by plans to end freedom of movement, but have you thought it through properly? Read our guide on the slim off-chance you haven’t.
A CONTROVERSIAL new study suggests that leading a rich and full life might not necessarily involve getting sh*tfaced as often as possible.
GOING to a supermarket at 4am is strangely exciting and edgy even though it is just full of knackered people stacking shelves, it has been confirmed.
A MAN without much personality has decided to compensate by constantly telling people how into meat he is.
WANT to change your name? Perhaps you’re on the run or just tired of being called Leslie Smallcock? Here’s how to do it without sounding like a tw*t.
A WOMAN who binge-watched all the episodes of Mindhunter is convinced she has developed an instinct for sniffing out sadistic murderers.
THE idea of holding a five-day cricket match in England was initially conceived as a prank, it has emerged.
THE Government has revealed its real no-deal Brexit plans, drawn up by Michael Gove and his 14-year-old son at their Cornish holiday cottage yesterday afternoon.
Film fans at an outdoor cinema event insisted they had a great time shivering through a film they have all seen several times before.
A WOMAN’S designer leather handbag has gradually evolved into a crap-filled portable dustbin.
EXPERTS have agreed that it is best for everyone if we neither think about nor acknowledge what cheese actually is.
A WOMAN has become a self help guru after accidentally putting every 10th word she writes in capital letters.
AN anonymous whistleblower has revealed that Britain's universities are hotbeds of dweebish behaviour.
A BEST man speech has succeeded in turning everyone the groom has ever cared about against him.