‘Nanny!’ screams Rees-Mogg
JACOB Rees-Mogg has screamed for his nanny after soiling himself in the House of Commons.
How to cope with another year of Theresa bloody May
THERESA May is set to stay for at least another year, so how will you survive more of her bullshit? Follow our guide to making it as painless as possible.
‘Turn that f**king Christmas song off’ declares any rational human being
ANY sane human should immediately demand that Christmas songs be turned off, scientists have confirmed.
Five ways forward for Theresa May
THE Brexit impasse has left the prime minister looking short of options, with her deal certain to be defeated whenever a vote is held. So where should she go from here?
The British person’s guide to rioting
THE French have done some good rioting recently, but is our famous ‘English reserve’ stopping us sorting out our grievances by setting fire to cars? Read our guide to smashing shit up.
Brand new vegan excited to ruin Christmas for everyone
A WOMAN who has only recently become a vegan is getting ready to shit on every angle of Christmas and spoil it for her poor, innocent family.
This is what happens whenever posh twats are in charge, say experts
A HISTORIAN has confirmed that Britain ends up in a fucking mess whenever we make the mistake of putting posh people in charge.
Man who voted Brexit ‘just to stir things up’ more than happy
A MAN who voted Leave ‘just to shake things up a bit’ has proclaimed himself delighted with events so far.
Atheists’ advent calendar just contains cold hard facts
AN atheist family’s advent calendar contains nothing but reason and cold hard facts.
Vote for vote may trigger votes then vote followed by other vote
TONIGHT’S confidence vote may trigger a leadership vote in the Commons followed by a vote of Conservative members then a referendum, say experts.
Britain not deeply divided, just full of angry gits
THE ‘deep divisions’ in British society are mainly just people enjoying getting angry about things, experts have found.
Man in new relationship can’t wait to see how he f***s it up
A MAN who has been seeing a woman long enough to start calling her his girlfriend is eager to see how he will totally balls it up.
How to play Connect Four with Theresa May
Rule 1. If it looks like she’s going to lose, the game will be cancelled.
Middle class families to open Christmas presents as late as possible
BRITAIN’S middle class families are drawing up plans to wait as long as possible before opening their presents on Christmas Day.
Everyone in restaurant hoping those two are father and daughter
ALL the diners in a restaurant are desperately hoping that couple are father and daughter.
Six alternative careers for Theresa May
DESPITE the prime minister’s limpet-like determination to hang on, it could be time for her to think about a career change. Here are some suggestions.
Rees-Mogg secretly celebrates 250th birthday
JACOB Rees-Mogg has celebrated his 250th birthday in the remote country house where he was born in 1768.
May pledges to hunt down the f*cknut who triggered Article 50
THE prime minister has vowed to find the 'fucknut' who triggered Article 50 when it was perfectly obvious we needed more time.
Middle-aged female celebrities all going out with same man
EVERY middle-aged female celebrity is in a relationship with the same man, it has emerged.
Only people who still want Brexit are inexplicably angry posh couple with two labradors
NOBODY can be arsed with Brexit except an angry upper class couple with multiple dogs, it has emerged.
