Trump nervously gives Putin list of people he’d like killed
PRESIDENT Trump has nervously given Putin a handwritten list of all the people he would like to have killed.
Badly-planned Tour de France route full of hills
SHOCKED Tour de France competitors have discovered that poor planning has led to a very mountainous route.
Whole carriage overjoyed as man running for train narrowly misses it
PASSENGERS on a train are rejoicing after a man desperately running to catch it failed to do so.
Nobody on Tinder into getting shitfaced and eating crisps in front of telly
EVERYONE on Tinder is into hiking and surfing and nobody is into getting smashed and chomping Pringles while watching crap, users skeptically report.
I’ve met some dickheads in my time but wow, says Queen
THE Queen is marvelling that, after 66 years on the throne, she has just met the biggest knobhead of her reign so far.
Mates stage intervention for friend who quit drinking
A MAN who has given up drinking has been confronted with the risks and ramifications of his decision in a dramatic intervention by his friends.
Couple planning romantic weekend away considering inviting other people
A COUPLE planning a romantic weekend away are each thinking about bringing a friend for company, they have confirmed.
Give Belgium third place if they want it, England players agree
ENGLAND players have agreed that today’s third-place play-off should just be given to Belgium if they want it because it is no use to us.
Your guide to making sure no one sits next to you on the train
THE only way to stop a disgusting stranger sitting next to you on the train is to be that disgusting stranger. Here’s our guide to ensuring peace and quiet on your journey.
‘Hilarious’ chalkboard outside pub has no effect on man’s decision to get pissed
A MAN’s decision to get wasted in a pub was in no way influenced by a witty chalkboard message inviting him to come inside.
How is Trump planning to be a dick in the UK?
IT’S rare for Donald Trump to go anywhere without being a dick in some way, so what has he got planned for his stay in Britain?
He doesn’t even remember who I am, says sobbing Farage
NIGEL Farage has been sitting on the edge of his bed in the dark crying and holding a signed photo of President Trump, according to friends.
Sexually active older man confuses pharmacist with request for ‘rubber johnnies’
AN older man enjoying a vigorous sex life found it difficult to buy condoms due to using dated euphemisms.
Cleese leaving UK due to running out of things to moan about
JOHN Cleese is to quit the UK because he has finally run out of things that displease him about this country.
Mum still confident we can win it
A FOOTBALL novice mum has reassured her heartbroken family that England can pull something out of the bag and win the World Cup.
Vegan cat becoming totally unbearable
AN already arrogant cat has become totally unbearable after going on a vegan diet.
Man who thought hay fever was a load of bollocks gets hay fever
A MAN who believed hay fever was a trivial ailment that wimps enjoy complaining about has changed his mind after getting it himself.
How can you become a massively overpaid twat on TV?
WITH BBC pay in the news again, many of us have asked 'How can I get paid millions for saying inane things to a camera too?'
New football fans expected to watch crap League Two games from now on
EVERYONE who was supporting England in the World Cup will be expected to continue their love of football when the season starts.
