Brexit going so well we’re now at war with France
BREXIT is going so amazingly well that within a mere five months we are now at war with France.
How your vote won’t count today
OFF to the polling station today with a strong suspicion it won’t improve things in the slightest? Here’s why you are probably right to be cynical.
Five adverts people got stupidly excited about in the 80s
THE sad passing of Nick Kamen has caused much nostalgia for his famous jeans advert. Here are the ads of the era that everyone got ridiculously obsessed with.
Were you ever even remotely cool? Take our quiz
WERE you ever close to being a trendy and popular person or have you always been an awkward loser? Deep down you already know the answer, but double-check with our quiz.
A guide to Scotland’s backwards politics, by Englishman Wayne Hayes
SCOTLAND is what they call the bit of land at the top of England, for some reason. It’s even allowed its own funny little political system. Here’s my guide to it.
Six birds that could totally take you in a fight, by Chris Packham
THEY might not have arms but birds can still hand your ass to you. Naturalist Chris Packham reveals which of our feathered friends would f**k you up one-on-one.
Your parents’ guide to being a pain in the arse while eating out
IS a meal out with your elderly parents now just a few weeks away? Here’s how they’ll take all the fun out of it.
The gameshows that are incredibly challenging if you’re thick as shit
DAYTIME gameshows can be tricky if you can’t tell the difference between a county and a continent. Tune in to these to be baffled.
Six jobs you wanted to do when you grew up, and how things turned out
YOU had big dreams back at primary school. Vet, Chelsea striker, palaeontologist: which would you be? Let’s see how that worked out.
Boris Johnson’s guide to Hartleypool
HARTLEYPOOL is a smashing little seaside resort, a true jewel of the north-west. Here’s an unprompted article detailing what I love so ruddy much about it.
Why I accept full responsibility for the total f**king shitshow I was handed, by Sir Keir Starmer
TOMORROW, Labour will lose a parliamentary seat they have held for 60 years. And, why f**k about, I will accept that it is all my fault.
Laurence Fox the twat London deserves, rest of Britain agrees
UK residents outside London have agreed that Laurence Fox is exactly the kind of prick that Londoners deserve to have as mayor.
I, Daniel Blake, and five other Brit films you wish you hadn’t bothered with
HAVE you attempted to support the British film industry and regretted it? Here are some films you’re still pissed off about.
UOR – Understands Offside Rule – and other letters plebs can put after their names
IF you’ve got a PhD, an OBE or are an MP, you can put it after your name. But what about the rest of us? Martin Bishop UA, IAR outlines a few.
Bill Gates’s wife leaving him for Clippy
MELINDA Gates is divorcing the billionaire co-founder of Microsoft for the company’s animated paperclip assistant, she has admitted.
The top six nasty, healthy treats middle-class mums give to their kids
SOME children are so middle-class they have never tasted Flamin’ Hot Monster Munch. Francesca Johnson counts down their top six cruel, deceptive treats.
How to spot the most cretinous possible interview subjects: A BBC reporter’s guide
ARE you a BBC reporter canvassing public opinion out in the regions? Make sure you get an unrepresentative sample of dickheads with these tips.
Why your relationship is a squalid knee-trembler compared to the magnificent love of William and Kate
THERE has never been a love as pure, as selfless or as holy as that of William and Kate. Compared to their marriage, yours is a sordid shag in a back-alley.
Bank Holiday didn’t count because it rained
YESTERDAY’S Bank Holiday did not count because it pissed down all day so can be taken in lieu today, the government has announced.
Giving 150 per cent, and other claims try-hard twats like to make
SARAH Vine has said Boris Johnson was working ’24 hours a day, seven days a week’, which is impossible or he’d be dead. Here are more bullshit claims people make.
