‘You’ve spent too long on the toilet’: Six texts that prove your relationship has gone stale
THE romance in any relationship can't last forever. Here are six texts you might receive - or send - that prove it beyond all reasonable doubt.
Trump’s TV tells him to shut the f**k up
THE television that President Trump has been shouting at for the last week has unexpectedly told him to shut the f**k up.
How to be an effective leader of the opposition, by Marcus Rashford
HI Keir. You’re an experienced politician and I’m a 23-year-old footballer, yet I’m much better than you at holding the government to account. Here are my tips on how it’s done.
The Tories’ foolproof guide to governing by headlines
DO you think Britain should be governed purely on the basis of what gets positive headlines? Here junior minister Denys Finch Hatton explains the government’s winning strategy.
How to pretend to be over 75 and get vaccinated
ONLY a morally bankrupt, heartless swine would try to jump the queue and get vaccinated early. Here’s how to do it.
Woman who says there are ‘two sides to every story’ always on wrong side
A WOMAN who likes to highlight the blinkered nature of people’s opinions always supports the worst point of view, it has emerged.
Six great ways to piss money away instead of renting
ARE you a former tenant back with mum and dad, wondering what to do with all this extra money you’ve got?
Get bikes off the road, says motorist who also opposes cycle lanes
A DRIVER who believes cyclists are a menace he should not share a road with is also dead against cycle lanes, he has confirmed.
Six normal activities that look absolutely ridiculous when Boris Johnson does them
BRITAIN’S prime minister not only looks a bumbling fool while attempting to lead the nation through crisis, but on all other occasions.
A five day meal plan for your £5.22 food box, by a patronising wanker
BEEN given a fiver’s worth of food to last a child a week? Let me Julian Cook, a sneering contemptuous pedant who defends the government at every turn, explain how.
Shit band that will never play Europe up in arms about Brexit visa rules
AN atrocious band that will never play further away than the neighbouring county are outraged by Brexit visa rules stopping musicians touring Europe.
My ideal lockdown, by Priti Patel
IF I’ve got one complaint about lockdowns, it’s that they give people far too much personal freedom. My dream lockdown would be...
‘Bridgerton is my wife’s porn’, says man who has no f**king idea
A MAN who believes the romp-filled period drama Bridgerton is the closest his wife gets to pornography could not be more wrong.
Welcome to the Brexit: a Dutch border guard tours you around the new Britain
GOEDEMORGEN, I am Geert and I have been sent to welcome you to the Brexit you have for yourselves. Please put your ham in the bin and follow.
BBC put on Detention Afternoon for misbehaving little bastards
THE BBC is to ensure the nation’s homeschooled children are disciplined with the launch of free multi-platform punishment content in the afternoons.
Why fresh food is bad for you: a Brexiter explains
SUPERMARKETS are suffering fresh food shortages. So that’s another benefit of Brexit. Leave voter Steve Malley explains the dangers of fresh fruit and veg.
Man enraged by gay Creme Egg ad begins quest for more heterosexual chocolate egg
A MAN enraged by an advert for Creme Eggs with two men kissing has embarked on a mission to find a chocolate egg that better represents his steadfast heterosexuality.
Piers Morgan’s guide to fleeing a sinking ship
READY to put some distance between yourself and the shitstorm you enabled? Let me Piers Morgan, the irritant in Susanna Reid’s peripheral vision, tell you how.
Identifying trees, and five other activities for your middle-class lockdown exercise
WANT strangers in the park to know you’re going home to a house with a chalkboard in the kitchen? Do these key activities during your mandated hour of exercise.
New Resentful Compromise TV channel launched for couples
LONG-TERM couples are to get their own TV channel packed with content neither wants to watch but neither particularly objects to.












