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    the dailymash

    Friday, 26th March 2021
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    Rishi Sunak’s incredibly strong reasons why you want to go back to the office

    RISHI here, the Robin to Boris’s Batman. And I’m battling on behalf of you, the workers desperate to go back to the office. Here’s why: 

    The devious Scottish ploy to give nurses a four per cent pay rise: how it works

    GIVING NHS nurses a decent pay rise is the latest in Scotland’s long line of nefarious plans. Here’s how the diabolical scheme will play out.

    How to actually have sex with a Union Jack

    ARE you an ardent ‘flag shagger’ who’d like to literally have sexual intercourse with a Union Jack? Here’s how to go about it if you’re a patriotic weirdo or a Tory MP.

    Ronald McDonald and four other creepy as shit mascots

    COMPANIES seem to think that weird, disturbing mascots will make you buy their products, and sadly they may be right. Here are some we’d prefer they hadn’t come up with, though.

    Single man changing duvet cover trying to remember how he did it this time last year

    A BACHELOR replacing his duvet cover with a clean one is facing his annual battle to remember how the f**k it is done.

    Getting letters, and other things that become shit when you grow up

    GETTING a letter as a kid was incredibly exciting, but when you’re grown up it’s most likely to be a council tax bill. So what other things lose their magic when you grow up?

  • ‘Out for delivery’ and other staggeringly useless pieces of information

    SICK of being bombarded with information that pretends to be helpful but is utterly useless? Here are the most pointless examples.

    ‘You still here?’ EU asks Britain

    THE EU has been puzzled to find the UK still yapping around its heels months after it had supposedly left for good.

    What to do if asylum seekers invade your retirement bungalow

    ARE you a fearful older voter obsessed with asylum seekers thanks to the tabloids? Here’s what to do if hordes of them arrive in your cul-de-sac.

    How to wean yourself off your lockdown wanking schedule

    CURRENTLY enjoying multiple acts of self-love a day? With lockdown easing soon, here’s how to cut back on your debilitating habit.

    No point being middle class without John Lewis, Britain agrees

    THE UK’s middle classes have agreed that without John Lewis there is no point and they may as well wear shell-suits and eat chips in the car outside the chippy. 

    Your tour around the Festival of Brexit

    ALRIGHT chief? Welcome to the Festival of Brexit. I’m Steve Malley, former UKIP candidate for Leatherhead, and if you’re a Remainer you can frankly f**k off now. 

    Gen Z teen making fun of you via f**king stupid dance

    AN IRRITATING young person is mocking you by throwing some dumb shapes on TikTok, it has been confirmed.

    Nan still pissed off about uninvited visitors arriving at dinnertime in 2003

    A NAN has still not forgiven members of her family for turning up at her house unannounced at 4.30pm 18 years ago.

    No longer talking about the future: six signs Scotland is thinking of leaving you

    ALWAYS in a bad mood, never laughs at your jokes, and left a draft bill for an independence referendum in the printer? Scotland might be thinking of leaving.

    How to strut around the supermarket like you f**king own the place

    WANT to celebrate a year of lockdown by strutting down the Asda aisles like John Travolta doing a Liam Gallagher impression?

    Six bloody confusing things about working in an office, by Prince Harry

    WELL, I’ve gone and got a proper job. Sort of. But no one warned me working in an office would be such a minefield.

    Census to be redone after leaving out question on what you call a bread roll

    THE 2021 census is to be recalled after leaving out the crucial question on what you and members of your household call a bread roll.

    Get drunk in front of the telly: five ways to mark a year of lockdown

    ONE year to the day since the government locked down the UK, here’s how to mark the occasion without lifting a finger.

    Six very obvious problems with believing in UFOs

    A FORMER US intelligence director has said there are more UFO sightings than people realise. These are the questions you need to ignore to believe in one.

    NEXT >
    • Features

      • Five weekend activities that say 'this relationship is dead'
      • Boris Johnson's guide to 'levelling up' your life
      • The social media ars*hole's guide to being right
      • Four IKEA products in urgent need of a Brexit makeover
      • Six fun things to do with your Brexit 50p
      • 'It sounds completely insane, but I genuinely like my kids'
      • This year’s top five bullsh*t food trends
      • How to go easy on people who wear hats
    • Arts & Entertainment

      • Five TV shows that will be problematic in 10 years' time
      • The Mail Online sidebar: Who the f**k are these people?
      • Springwatch renamed Vole Love Island
      • The Oscars for films you've actually seen
      • Parents hoping child will develop moral compass from watching Disney films
      • Line of Duty and other hit shows it's far too late to get into
      • The four government-approved jokes that will be allowed on the BBC
      • The six people who are getting kicked off your Netflix account
    • Business

      • A single Pritt Stick, and other things delivery drivers have risked their lives to bring you
      • How to lose money in just 30 minutes
      • Farmers and fishermen urged to pay attention to how farming and fishing works
      • How to earn £12.43 on eBay for 40 hours work
      • What to do if you've been shafted by Brexit, by a Brexiter
    • Environment

      • How to disconnect from nature post-lockdown
      • Twats out and about, and the other signs spring has sprung
      • Beautiful dusting of white snow the last thing we f**king need
      • Insurer disgusted by suggestion it might have to 'pay out' over floods
      • What to do if you're a British crab who can't get to the EU
    • Most Popular

    • Freshers working hard on ridiculous personas

      TEENAGERS about to start university are developing absurd new personalities in an attempt to seem interesting.

    • Man who can't stop talking boll*cks clearly ideal for Brexit negotiations

      BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of bullsh*t is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.

    • 'Predator' to win all film awards for 30th consecutive year

      PREDATOR is set to continue its unbroken run of winning every film prize since 1988.

    • Berlin to send back thousands of British hipsters

      BERLIN will return thousands of hipsters when Britain fully departs the EU, it has emerged.

    • No, really, what's the plan, though? May asked

      THERESA May has been told that yesterday's speech was great fun but she now needs to announce the real Brexit plan.

    • Unstable friend now somehow a counsellor

      A WOMAN with a chaotic personal life and a history of believing in total nonsense is now being paid to give people advice, shocked friends have revealed.

    • Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'

      Dear Holly, Can you help me come up with an insult that is more accessible to the ignorant underclasses? Yours, Boris

    • Ask Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?

      If Brexit happens the British people will no longer have access to Nutella or Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher, which would be nothing short of a CATASTROPHE.

    • Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

      “After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying.”

    • Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

      I’m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot

    • Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

      Dear Holly,
      The other day I got involved in an exchange of  words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny  to say, but by then it was too late.

    • Health

      • How to strut around the supermarket like you f**king own the place
      • Get drunk in front of the telly: five ways to mark a year of lockdown
      • Germy bastard kids off sick already
      • 47-year-old woman still terrified her mum will find out she smokes
    • Society

      • What to do if asylum seekers invade your retirement bungalow
      • Nan still pissed off about uninvited visitors arriving at dinnertime in 2003
      • Census to be redone after leaving out question on what you call a bread roll
      • Are you the winner of a year of lockdown?
    • Politics

      • 'You still here?' EU asks Britain
      • Your tour around the Festival of Brexit
      • No longer talking about the future: six signs Scotland is thinking of leaving you
      • Why Boris is right to cut 10,000 troops but Keir Starmer wouldn't be
    • Celebrity

      • Unclogging the shower drain, and five other things James McAvoy could make sexy
      • 'Get f**ked, baldy': a transcript of the Harry-William phone call
      • Royal Family only family without racists in it
      • 'I'm not racist, I've got a mixed-race sister-in-law' says William
    • Sport

      • watching football on tv
        Middle class football fan prefers it without those dreadful crowds
      • Six Nations fans forced to piss in pint glasses over Zoom
      • Football club that's 'more than just a football club' just a football club
      • Manchester United nothing but bullies
    • Science & Technology

      • Six very obvious problems with believing in UFOs
      • Six things to not understand about Bitcoin
      • Key in front door substantially increases the need to have a piss
      • Five people you wish you hadn't looked up on Facebook
    • Most Popular

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