UK resigns
THE UK has handed in its resignation because it is not prepared to work under Boris Johnson as prime minister, it has confirmed.
How to enjoy the last 24 hours before you live in a country where Boris Johnson is leader
TOMORROW, and perhaps for years to come, you will be the resident of a country led by a truffle-snuffling entitled toddler. Here’s how to spend the final day without him.
Regional pub so desperate to be cool it’s pathetic
THE landlords of a regional pub clearly aspire to run a trendy London gastropub but cannot quite get it right, regulars have agreed.
D*ckhead tooth fairy forgot kid’s tooth
A SIX-year-old girl was left distraught after the d*ckhead tooth fairy went to the pub and forgot to take her tooth.
124,000 mad pensioners seize control of Britain
AN organisation of elderly fascists known as ‘the Tory grassroots’ is to install a megalomaniac man-child as ruler of the UK.
Winner of Nigel Farage lookalike contest to be announced
THE UK is waiting to find out who has won a Nigel Farage lookalike contest and will be awarded the grand prize of Britain.
‘That big blonde lad called you a bunch of nonces’ Hunt tells Iran
JEREMY Hunt has told Iran that the big blonde lad over there called them nonces who would not have the b*llocks to officially declare war on Britain.
Another two f**king years of Marvel movies: the essential guide
MARVEL is continuing its successful programme to turn the whole world into pathetic comics nerds. Here’s what you’ll be watching in President Trump’s second term...
Question Time audience ‘main reason country is so f*cked’
THE audience for Question Time is the main reason Britain is so f*cked right now, research has confirmed.
BBC to employ people from all types of middle-class backgrounds
The BBC is to launch a diversity initiative that will see it employ people from a broader range of middle-class backgrounds.
Thirtysomething thought everyone was joking about having a pension
A MAN in his mid-30s thought all his mates were joking about having pension plans, he has admitted.
Yorkshireman more than happy for you to correct his English
A YORKSHIREMAN has confirmed he has no problem with anyone translating his sentences into Southerner-approved English.
The six best ways to keep children amused for six whole f**king weeks
SIX weeks is longer than you get off in a year, but for anyone aged between four and 16 it’s just summer. Here’s how to keep them busy.
Teacher planning to retire on end-of-term presents
A PRIMARY school teacher has quit her job and plans to retire on the proceeds of the gifts she has received from thankful parents.
Five incredibly stupid opinions that will get you a standing ovation in the pub
DO you fancy being being popular down the pub by spouting idiotic crowd-pleasing opinions? Here are some great ones to try.
Dog decides which owner he’d eat if he really had to
A COUPLE’S pet dog is lying at their feet and deciding which of them he would kill and eat if he had absolutely no option.
Dad asks daughter who’s been vegetarian for 15 years if she’s still not eating meat
A MAN has asked his daughter, who has been a vegetarian since she was 15 and is now 30, if she is “still not eating meat”.
Are you a Remoaner or do you just not fancy years of unnecessary b*llocks?
SOMETIMES it’s hard to tell if you’re the sort of whiny Remoaner that Brexiters hate or you if just prefer logic and stability over years of unnecessary horsesh*t. Take our test and find out.
The best sports for avoiding your family and your problems
EXERCISE is great for your mental wellbeing because you can hide from your family and your problems in a cowardly way. Here are the best sports for avoiding real life.
Dog owner satisfied with picking up most of turd
A DOG owner is satisfied with the job she did of picking up 70 percent of a sh*t and leaving a good-sized chunk on the pavement.
