Struggling middle-class families to get Charlie Bigham pie vouchers
MIDDLE-CLASS families facing a hit to their finances will get vouchers for Charlie Bigham pies in order to help them through the summer.
West Country tells visitors to f**k off in case they’re witches
RESIDENTS of the West Country are living in fear of holidaymakers in case they are witches who will turn them into toads.
Care homes should have been more careful of coronavirus than I f**king was, says Johnson
THE prime minister has criticised care homes for not following coronavirus prevention procedures, much like a dickhead called Boris Johnson.
Tub of butter approaching 50 per cent toast crumbs
A TUB of Lurpak in a family fridge has almost reached the stage of being officially half-butter, half-toast crumbs, it has emerged.
Five guaranteed ways to be a twat in a park
BRITAIN’S most exciting new post-lockdown hobby is being a twat in a park. Here’s how to ignore social distancing, intimidate people and generally play the arsehole.
Face masks make me look stupid, says man wearing Crocs
A MAN who leaves the house in brightly coloured plastic clogs refuses to wear protective face masks because he thinks they make him look stupid.
President Trump or President Kanye: which would be the absolute f**king worst?
THE USA could choose another four years of Trump, or gamble on an even bigger twat by electing President Kanye West. Who would suck harder?
Employee asked to ‘socialise the idea and see if it gains traction’ hates that he knows what it means
A MAN asked via Zoom to socialise an idea and give it an offline pulse-check has confirmed that it made him hate his boss but also hate himself.
Five lovely cute little businesses run by horrible posh twats
LOVE that new vegan cafe or organic chocolatier? Prefer not to know these adorable independent businesses are run by insufferable privileged bastards?
Furloughed woman realises her life’s calling is to be paid not to work
A FURLOUGHED woman has had the spiritual awakening that what she was born to do was to earn money for not working.
Tired or old? Take our quiz
ARE you tired and just having a bad day face-wise, or is this how you look now?
Six haircuts that say ‘I was so excited to get to the hairdresser that I panicked’
HAIRDRESSERS are open again, so here’s six styles that say ‘I was so focused on getting there first I didn't think about what I wanted then buckled under pressure’:
Man who refers to ‘the wife’ unaware he is referred to as ‘that bastard’
A MAN who enjoys referring to his partner of 15 years ‘the wife’ does not know she calls him ‘that bastard’.
Pubs to pipe in pre-recorded misogyny and flatulence
PUBS in England have announced they will be using a pre-recorded playlist of classic pub noises and sound effects when they reopen.
How to start having dreadful middle class dinner parties again
WITH two households now able to meet, it’s the perfect opportunity to start showing off at dinner parties again. Here’s how to make them particularly irksome.
Five crucial coronavirus rules to follow when hopelessly pissed down the pub
OUT for a swift one? Staying out for nine more? Here are the five crucial rules to obey so you can slur ‘I swear I’ve remained within public health guidelines’ when you stagger in.
England suffering banging hangover under disapproving gaze of Scotland and Wales
ENGLAND is suffering an apocalyptic hangover only made worse by Scotland and Wales nagging about how irresponsible it has been.
Couple who don’t want to send their kids to school off to the beach this weekend
A COUPLE angry they will be fined if they do not send their kids to school are looking forward to a visit to a busy beach.
Someone explain discounting to Waitrose, demand Britons
DISCOUNTING something that costs £3.85 to £3.55 is not a proper discount and can Waitrose please sort it out, British shoppers have asked.
UK music scene ‘could produce another Ed Sheeran’ if allowed to flourish again
EXPERTS have insisted the current lockdown on the UK music scene must continue to prevent a resurgence of awful rubbish which could spread globally.
