Entire office rendered unable to work by knowledge of cake in kitchen
AN entire floor of staff was unable to work for close to an hour because of the presence of a colleague’s birthday cake, they have admitted.
Older siblings great because they catch all the sh*t
OLDER brothers and sisters are great because they break all the rules and catch all the sh*t and you get away scot-free, younger siblings have confirmed.
Londoner hates everywhere outside of London too
A LONDONER would love to leave London if everywhere he visited outside of London was not equally sh*t, he has admitted.
‘They call me… The Busmaker’
CONSERVATIVE leadership candidate Boris Johnson has revealed himself to be the mysterious Busmaker of myth and legend.
Kid late for school because mum was d*cking about on Facebook again
A FIVE-year-old boy was 30 minutes late for school because his mum was messing about on Facebook and lost track of time.
How to accept you’re a ‘family festival’ person now
DID you used to get blitzed on drugs at festivals, but now take your kids to the ones with craft tents and puppet shows?
UK bins to stink ‘worse than bins in Ibiza’ this weekend
THE heatwave set to hit the UK this weekend will see the country’s bins reeking even worse than bins in Ibiza, weathermen have announced.
Duck fed on sourdough becoming unbearable
A DUCK that is only eating sourdough bread has turned into a right bellend, it has been confirmed.
Couple stuck in passive-aggressive tit-for-tat wedding invite nightmare
A COUPLE are obliged to invite people they do not like to their wedding simply because they have previously watched them get married.
Ars*holes make guests take their shoes off
A TOTAL ars*hole couple demand that everyone remove their shoes before entering their home.
Johnson pledges tax cut for unicorn breeders
BORIS Johnson has vowed to slash taxes for Britain’s hard-pressed unicorn breeders.
My track record of f**king things up and running away is irrelevant to my becoming prime minister
MEDIA commentators are claiming my family life, in which I have a decades-long track record of badly screwing everything up and walking away unconcerned, is somehow relevant to my political ambitions.
The sex swing was in Frogmore Cottage already, says Harry
PRINCE Harry has defended a 360-degree spinning sex swing installed in his royal residence by saying it actually dates back to the 1930s.
Man won’t read books written by women in case he turns into one
A MAN refuses to read any novels written by women for fear of gaining such a keen insight into the opposite gender that he becomes one.
Walking in same direction after saying goodbye ‘most stressful thing possible’
WALKING in the same direction as someone after you have already said goodbye is the most stressful experience you can possibly have, experts have confirmed.
‘F**king grasses will get theirs when I’m PM’ vows Johnson
BORIS Johnson has promised a crackdown on grasses, rats and f*cking busybodies who stick their noses where they do not belong.
Rural pub adds second wine
A RURAL pub has doubled its wine list by adding a second option.
Five reasons why this chihuahua would be a better prime minister than Boris Johnson
1. BORIS Johnson is an untrustworthy bag of guts who feels, whereas this is a chihuahua called Ian who would not break up the UK or shout at his girlfriend.
‘Close doors’ button on lift does f*ck all, admits engineer
A LIFT engineer has confirmed that the ‘close doors’ button does absolutely f*ck all.
‘Quick, easy’ recipe from Guardian still being prepared eight days later
A COUPLE who tried to make a 'fast, easy mid-week supper recipe' from the Guardian recipe are still cooking it almost eight days later.
