The Kays Catalogue, and five other pathetic excuses for porn in the 1980s

IF THE over-40s were honest about how technology has transformed the world, they’d say ‘you can get porn now.’ Back in their younger years, these had to suffice.

Suddenly get really good at football: Scotland's routes to qualification

SCOTLAND’S hopes of qualification hang by a thread. Which of these miracles could see them get through to the next round?

England to strike fear into opponents by scoring second goal

ENGLAND have vowed to strike terror into opponents at Euro 2020 by scoring a second goal.

Five things your parents follow with 'not that there's anything wrong with that'

YOUR parents aren’t as backwards or as phobic as you believe. Here are five things they’re totally cool with through gritted teeth.

How to give your child a f**king ridiculous name: a celebrity guide
CELEBRITY? Had a baby? Keen to make it an accessory to your glittering life, rather than allowing it an identity of its own? Follow our naming guide.
Emily Bronte’s Love Island

THIS year’s Love Island, as befits one of the most romantic stories ever told, is to have a tie-in novelisation by none other than Emily Brontë.

When Mummy gets a bun in the Aga: the middle-class guide to 'the talk'

EXPLAINING sex to your children is never easy, especially when your home’s over the threshold for inheritance tax. Sex expert Denys Finch Hatton tells you how.

This should've been Freedom Day, say furloughed workers in pub at midday

WORKERS on temporary paid leave nursing pints in a bar at lunchtime are bemoaning the cancellation of Britain’s Freedom Day.

The middle-aged man's guide to only cooking outside when it's sunny

EVERY man loves to cook for his family under a very specific set of circumstances that occurs no more than three times a year. Here’s how to do it middle-aged style.

The six secrets of spectacularly unsuccessful people

EVER wondered how some people amble through life never getting anywhere? They know these secrets – and you can too.

English woman with Scottish parent convinced it makes her exotic

AN English woman with a single Scottish parent is under the impression that it makes her thrillingly exotic, it has emerged.

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Politics

Shocked UK had no idea Matt Hancock was totally f**king hopeless

BRITAIN is struggling to come to terms with claims that the health secretary who has led us through this pandemic is totally f**king hopeless.

A batshit mental Daily Mail article from the point of view of the First Baby, Wilf Johnson

GOOD morning, I’m national engine of hatred the Daily Mail, and today I’ll be wearing the mask of Boris Johnson’s one-year-old son Wilf. Isn’t that disturbingly adorable?

Britain getting the full affair-with-Boris experience

THE UK is finding out first-hand what it’s like to be seduced, lied to, and repeatedly f**ked over by Boris Johnson.

Six actual, real, genuine upsides to Brexit

THE sunlit uplands Boris Johnson and the Tories promised were a lie. Obviously. It’s Boris Johnson. But there are genuine upsides to Brexit:

Britain so pleased we're doing this First Lady bullshit

THE UK is uniformly delighted that after years of not doing this American White House First Lady bollocks, we now apparently are.

Dear Donna: I made a mistake at work and had to get married

I’m a successful man in his 50s who recently married his girlfriend, but only because work made me.

Five things still under a fiver
THANKS to inflation and quantative easing everything costs bloody loads now. These are the last five things you can still pick up for a fiver.

Society

The seven mums you meet on parenting Facebook

GOT children? Desperate to not be suffering alone? Then you’ve visited a parenting group on Facebook and met these people.

The six twats that love to sit in your train carriage

EVER think that irritating twats deliberately sit in your train carriage? Yeah, they do. Here’s the line-up of rail companions for your next 100 journeys.

Britons pretending to enjoy sun through gritted teeth 

PEOPLE across the UK have miserably begun their annual ritual of pretending to enjoy temperatures above 18 degrees Celsius.

Ten new commandments for modern life

EVERYONE’S got Thou Shalt Not Kill by now, and coveting thy neighbour’s ox isn’t what it was. Follow these ten new commandments for modern life.

Five rich person problems to moan about at the school gates

WORRIED people don't realise you are substantially more successful than they are? Make it clear with these topics.

Dog and bone - smartphone: A guide to gentrified Cockney rhyming slang

MOST genuine Eastenders have been displaced by coffee outlets and tech startups. So how has Cockney rhyming slang changed?

Five things that will shatter your hopes of a lie-in
EXHAUSTED and looking forward to an extra hour in bed? Here’s five reasons why it won’t happen this or any other weekend.

Lifestyle

Middle-class family resentfully install pizza oven they're now required to have

A MIDDLE-CLASS family are fuming about the top-of-the-range pizza oven, complete with brick surround, that they are currently having built in their garden.

Woman shaves six milliseconds off time between putting on heels and regretting it

A WOMAN has scored a new personal best in her time between putting on heels for the day and deeply regretting it.

A lady never tells her age, says 25-year-old

A WOMAN who is only 25 bizarrely thinks it is her prerogative as a female to keep her age a closely guarded secret.

The five most terrifying things that happen in the first year of having a baby

HAVING a child is a life-changing experience. A mostly terrifying one. Here are five of the worst bits from year one, although there could be 50.

Five essential summer care tips for your goth

A HOT summer can be a testing time for goths. Follow our advice to ensure yours stays safe, but gloomy.

Are you being gentrified? Take our quiz

WORRIED that you might be a victim of the gentrification usually reserved for areas of cities? Find out if you’ll soon be priced out of your own life:

'100 per cent' and other annoying ways to tell someone you agree with them
WHY agree by saying 'yes' when you could annoy the crap out of someone by saying '100 percent'? Try these irritating affirmatives.

Sports

England fans leave work early to enjoy Scotland loss

ACROSS England fans are leaving work early and settling down by the telly with a few cans to enjoy Scotland’s loss this afternoon.

Six deliberately irritating questions to ask during the match

NOT understanding the offside rule is for amateurs. Try these questions to get your football-loving companion truly enraged.

Keep politics out of football, says booing England fan making racist political statement

AN England fan tired of politics getting in the way of football has expressed his disagreement by making a racist political statement that gets in the way of football.

Britain’s football songs from worst to better-but-still-shit

DO you like music? You won’t like football songs then. But with the Euros on the way here’s a few ranked from whale excrement to tolerable.

Gary Neville's post-match analysis of armed insurrections and military coups

AS football punditry’s Che Guevara, it’s not just revolutions at Old Trafford that get my backing. Check out my post-game analysis of these world events.

'Like Brexit but good': the European Super League shitstorm explained to non-fans

PULLING out of a European group that raises everyone’s income, but it’s a good thing? Uh? Manchester United fan Wayne Hayes explains.

Dad getting drunk for Father’s Day
A FATHER-OF-TWO has decided to celebrate Father’s Day by drinking from lunchtime onwards, he has confirmed.

Science & Technology

The real reasons Jeff Bezos is going into space

AMAZON boss Jeff Bezos is blasting into space, and there’s surely no reason to be suspicious about what the f**k he’ll do while he’s there. But why is he going?

'Why’s the sky blue?' and other arsehole questions from kids

CHILDREN’S curiosity is a wonderful thing, until you’re required to provide the answers. These basic questions will baffle you.

'Is it cheating if we just have sex?' Stupid questions you shouldn't have to Google

LIFE is full of mysteries, but some of it is bleeding obvious. Here are some of the f**king stupid questions that end up being googled...

Five moronic ways to use your phone

SMARTPHONES are incredibly intelligent pieces of technology which put the world at your fingertips. Here are some ways to use them like an absolute twat.

Blueyonder old as shit, Gmail dull as f**k – what your email address says about you

EVER wondered what conclusions people draw about you based on your email address? Here’s what they think when you turn up in their inbox.

The five most annoying promotional emails you'll get today

INBOX constantly stuffed to bursting with irritating promotional emails? You'll be familiar with these...

Couple glad they've got four more weeks of lockdown to blame relationship on
A COUPLE are glad to have a further four weeks blaming lockdown for the state of their relationship before facing the facts.

Arts & Entertainment

Batman doesn't do oral and Superman can't get it up – the surprising sex lives of the super heroes

BATMAN’S publishers have confirmed that he refuses to perform oral sex on his partners. And according to comics nerd Tom Booker, that’s just the beginning.

Five Bible plot holes that make the whole thing totally unbelievable

ADAM and Eve only had sons, so where did their grandkids come from? Here are some other glaring Biblical plot holes.

How to be a sneering dick about stuff you haven't seen

IS YOUR superiority to others based on not consuming the same media as them? Nathan Muir flaunts his iconoclastic ignorance of perfectly enjoyable things he hasn’t seen.

Gammon fuming at black Anne Boleyn perfectly happy with white Jesus

A BRITISH man fuming at Channel 5 casting a black actress as Anne Boleyn is entirely at ease with a Caucasian Jesus, he confirmed.

Six movie villains who we judged too harshly

AS the Cruella de Vil reboot hits the big screen, here are some other film villains who were misjudged rather than evil.

Five songs that sound romantic if you don't listen to the lyrics

Making a Spotify playlist for your beloved? Avoid these tunes, as they will demonstrate you're a terrible listener.

Do you rely on British history for your identity or have you got your own personality?
DO you need statues, flags and Empires to be an interesting person or can you do it all by yourself?

Business

Man receives text advising that delivery driver has stopped for a piss

A MAN is getting constant, eager updates from a delivery company advising him on the precise whereabouts of his parcel.

How to celebrate Pride as a rapacious British company

ARE you a British business keen to let LGBT+ customers and staff know that they’re special for one month only? Here are the best ways to be an ally.

Tim Martin proposes Britain launch new 'Union of Europe' to attract workers

WETHERSPOONS boss Tim Martin has urged the government to set up some sort of ‘Union of Europe’ to solve his shortage of pub staff. 

'You're fat now, buy accordingly' say clothes shops

CLOTHING shops have reminded all their customers that they are now fat bastards so should buy their clothes accordingly.

'We value your privacy' and six other blatant corporate lies

THE corporate world is a palace of lies so glaringly obvious that they go almost unnoticed. Here are a few of the most frequent:

UK's remaining high street shop to reopen

THE UK’s sole remaining high street shop that has not fallen into bankruptcy is to reopen today.

Six things to buy and never use
Want to make yourself feel better through mindless consumerism? Here are some items to purchase and forget.