Plans great until you have to actually f**king do them
MAKING plans with friends is excellent until you have to leave the house and do the sodding thing, it has emerged.
Teenager is first in his family to go to university with two Es
A TEENAGER has won a place at a third-rate university with lower grades than any previous member of his family.
Unite behind me you twats, says May at cross-party talks
THE prime minister has asked the twat leaders of other parties she clearly despises to unite behind her and her Brexit deal immediately.
Neighbours delighted man’s friend beeped car horn 15 times as he left last night
A MAN'S neighbours are glad his friend was able to beep his car horn numerous times last night as way of saying goodbye.
Theresa May’s guide to hanging on like an idiot
IT’S not just prime ministers who should never give up! Here are my tips for hanging on grimly in everyday life.
Strong and stable government to continue
THE UK has once again thanked the DUP for ensuring Britain has a strong and stable government.
Man decides 10-pin bowling is ‘just a laugh’ after discovering he’s shit at it
A MAN going 10-pin bowling suddenly began larking around after his first two bowls were hopelessly inaccurate, friends noticed.
‘Oops, did our advert piss off dickheads?’ asks razor blade company
A RAZOR blade company has expressed surprise that its latest advert has pissed off a lot of dickheads.
All options ruled out
THE UK’s political leaders have ruled out the Brexit deal, a no-deal Brexit, a second referendum, a general election, remaining in the EU and continuing the current situation.
Are you a weird Labour MP who’s obviously joined the wrong party?
ARE you an oddball Labour MP who would clearly be more at home in the Conservative Party or UKIP? Take our test...
Bar owner cannot believe people will pay ten quid for a ‘mocktail’
BAR owners cannot believe they are getting away with charging £10 for a ‘mocktail’.
Four new wellness trends for 2019 that we’ve just pulled out of our arses
Do you think throwing your money at some ‘holistic regime’ will make you feel better about life? Then why not try one of these...
Karma, agrees Britain
BRITAIN has agreed that Theresa May's humiliating defeat is undeniable evidence of karma.
Man keeps peeking out window to see if riots have started yet
A 52-YEAR-OLD man his peeking out the window every 1o minutes to see if the riots have begun on his road.
Remainers really wishing Jean-Claude Juncker wasn’t such a git
PEOPLE who want to remain in the EU really wish Jean-Claude Juncker was not so obviously unpleasant.
‘So, we’re all agreed this is a great deal’ confirms May
THERESA May is happy that everyone thinks her Brexit deal is brilliant in every possible way.
Oven chip cooking time amended to eight weeks
THE preparation time for oven chips has been amended from 15-18 minutes to around eight weeks.
Airport worker almost forgets to add the chemtrails
A MAN who refuels commercial jets has admitted he almost forgot to add the mind controlling chemicals.
What sort of shit sandwich do you want? asks May
THERESA May has generously offered Britain a choice between a shit sandwich and a particularly nasty shit sandwich.
Right age to lose virginity ‘no more than 18 months after you’ve claimed to’
A SURVEY of British sexual attitudes suggests that the best age to lose your virginity is within 18 months of lying about it to all your mates.
