Kate going to Italy to take lover
THE Princess of Wales has announced she is embarking on a solo trip to Italy where she intends to take a lover.
A LONDON resident told housing outside the capital is readily available for less than half a million pounds has dismissed it as a provincial hoax.
THE president of the US has been crowing about passing cognitive tests again, unrelated to daily concerns about his decaying mental state. He could also boast about these.
WISH you looked as laughably idiotic as the celebrities attending the Met Gala? Create an appropriate wardrobe on a budget with our guide.
THE Mansion Tax was, like raising the top rate of income tax, always going to cost Britain money because economics works backwards over a certain level. Let me explain.
A MAN praised for being physically affectionate and in touch with his emotions is surreptitiously following the dictates of his penis, he has confirmed.
LABOUR is pitching its council election campaign at ordinary voters who cannot be f**ked going through yet another sodding leadership contest.
I CAN’T say me and my Brian talk as much as we used to. Understandable after 50 years of marriage. Besides, I’m on the PC and he’s on his iPad for the racing results.
THE conductor of a train from London to Manchester has enjoyed his sixth climax of the day by telling passengers their tickets are invalid.
Politics
GETTING so excited by a select committee hearing that you pronounce the end of the prime minister can only be a sex thing, experts believe.
THE media has stated that Keir Starmer’s time as prime minister is over, but without explaining exactly why or how that is to happen.
MANAGED to piss off your employees, your opponents and your own party? No problem. Bore them into submission like I do.
THURSDAY’S edition of political panel show Question Time will be broadcast from Angryborough in the county of South Bigotshire.
THE prime minister has informed parliament he cannot answer questions as he is orbiting Earth on the International Space Station for the next 18 months.
Society
A LONDONER’S journey to work resembles Odysseus’s journey home from Troy according to her self-serving bullshit account of the saga.
SHEFFIELD University has carried out a study of regional insults, most of which are stupid and make you sound like a halfwit yokel. Here is a sample in order of increasing shitness.
A MAN hosting a pub quiz has, without warning, written questions only about Gillian Anderson.
FORGET Big Ben and Buckingham Palace. If you want to show tourists what Britain is really like, take them to these places.
TRUMP'S war with Iran is jeopardising supplies of the planet-destroying fuel we all love. So how are you marking the end of plentiful oil?
Lifestyle
YOUR local real ale pub now has six guest beers and heavy metal T-shirts at the bar, it has confirmed.
ARE you the only man in a house ruled by your wife and your daughters? Are you humiliated daily by a domestic matriarchy? This is the catalogue of your shame.
BRITAIN? Nowhere better for a holiday, if they’d get rid of those goddamn windmills. And thanks to me beating Iran, you’ll have the greatest UK break. Here’s how.
A MAN wants to be in the prime of his youth in an era he has intense nostalgia for as he gets older, he has revealed.
OFF to the park to enjoy the weather, only to discover people have claimed all the space because they’re more important than you? Here are their devious methods.
THE government wants the whole of Britain to enjoy a summer of sex because an MP is bringing dildos to Parliament. They will under-deliver on this erotic promise.
Relationships
UNQUALIFIED FBI head Kash Patel is facing allegations of alcoholism and incompetence caused by his girlfriend being objectively more attractive than he is. Here’s how he clings on.
SHE liked diamonds and Picasso paintings. He slept under bridges and sketched caricatures for cash. It was a holiday romance with an unfortunate iceberg, and these wouldn’t last either.
IF she’s a serious actress in highbrow movies? Then your wife sanctions and allows your crush because it shows your discerning taste in women. All these are permitted.
JD Vance recently said he had forbidden his wife from going skydiving in a strange comparison to Iran. Here he explains the benefits of controlling tendencies - for her and you.
A WOMAN who has split up with her hopeless loser of a boyfriend is searching for a new man who is functionally identical, she has confirmed.
SHE is so lovely, and she has captured your soul. But as you’ve never exchanged a single word, how to tell her? Would staring like a pervert do it? Let’s hope so.
Science & Technology
A MAN cannot help but admit that a clickbait headline has done an incredible job of piquing his fickle interest.
A FATHER of refined tastes watches only the cream of awful AI videos spewed out by social media, it has emerged.
GOT a critical life choice to make? Why not allow a frequently hallucinating AI chatbot to make the right call? Here’s what ChatGPT and others should be advising you on.
Arts & Entertainment
THEY created punk and galvanised a generation, but almost five decades on from their debut release, how does The Sex Pistols’ discography stack up? Find out.
THE Michael Jackson biopic made the lucrative decision to end his story in 1988, before it all went too badly wrong. Which others need to call it early?
CRITICS say Radio 2 is stuck in a rut, and that’s where we intend to stay. When I take over the breakfast slot, here's how I'll be keeping it bland the 'Foxy Coxy' way.
CRITICS have slammed the biopic Michael for omitting the sexual abuse he was accused of. So what other changes might be made to music films to avoid upsetting audiences?
OUTSIDERS could never understand how it feels to be in the warm embrace of a thoroughly toxic fandom. For example, myself and the Bargain Hunters.
THE new Michael Jackson film is the first instalment of an interconnected cinematic universe of celebrity sex offenders, its producers have announced.
Celebrity
THE King has admitted claiming to own a domed ballroom a mile high in conversation with Donald Trump to see his crestfallen reaction.
FAT, proud and a role model for those who through no fault of their own are larger? Until an injection came alone and now you’re inspiringly thin instead?
DID you see Madonna onstage with Sabrina Carpenter at Coachella and eruditely muse that while one is young, the other is old? Decide which you should fancy with this guide.
CALL that an Australia tour? Pathetic and desperate. Kate and I would do a far superior tour if we could be bothered to get off our arses.
YOU never forget your first love, especially if she’s on TV singing Eternal Flame because she's the lead singer of The Bangles. Here are more old crushes you'd get a divorce for.
Work
A MAN has forgotten how to be an underperforming drone after the four-day Easter weekend, it has emerged.
ATTENDING an online seminar is a fantastic opportunity to get stuff done while some arsehole is droning on about bullshit, research has found.
A MAN who accidentally ticked a box saying he was gay on his equalities form now feels compelled to go along with it, to be an ally.
AN army of retired old bastards with nothing better to do but sit at home resenting your working at home wants legislation to stop you.
NIGEL Farage has appealed to morons this week by calling for an end to working from home. Here’s why it isn’t as bad as he fears.
Alcohol
NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough.
CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?
IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.
A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.
