Rishi Sunak’s incredibly strong reasons why you want to go back to the office
RISHI here, the Robin to Boris’s Batman. And I’m battling on behalf of you, the workers desperate to go back to the office. Here’s why:
The devious Scottish ploy to give nurses a four per cent pay rise: how it works
GIVING NHS nurses a decent pay rise is the latest in Scotland’s long line of nefarious plans. Here’s how the diabolical scheme will play out.
How to actually have sex with a Union Jack
ARE you an ardent ‘flag shagger’ who’d like to literally have sexual intercourse with a Union Jack? Here’s how to go about it if you’re a patriotic weirdo or a Tory MP.
Ronald McDonald and four other creepy as shit mascots
COMPANIES seem to think that weird, disturbing mascots will make you buy their products, and sadly they may be right. Here are some we’d prefer they hadn’t come up with, though.
Single man changing duvet cover trying to remember how he did it this time last year
A BACHELOR replacing his duvet cover with a clean one is facing his annual battle to remember how the f**k it is done.
Getting letters, and other things that become shit when you grow up
GETTING a letter as a kid was incredibly exciting, but when you’re grown up it’s most likely to be a council tax bill. So what other things lose their magic when you grow up?
‘Out for delivery’ and other staggeringly useless pieces of information
SICK of being bombarded with information that pretends to be helpful but is utterly useless? Here are the most pointless examples.
‘You still here?’ EU asks Britain
THE EU has been puzzled to find the UK still yapping around its heels months after it had supposedly left for good.
What to do if asylum seekers invade your retirement bungalow
ARE you a fearful older voter obsessed with asylum seekers thanks to the tabloids? Here’s what to do if hordes of them arrive in your cul-de-sac.
How to wean yourself off your lockdown wanking schedule
CURRENTLY enjoying multiple acts of self-love a day? With lockdown easing soon, here’s how to cut back on your debilitating habit.
No point being middle class without John Lewis, Britain agrees
THE UK’s middle classes have agreed that without John Lewis there is no point and they may as well wear shell-suits and eat chips in the car outside the chippy.
Your tour around the Festival of Brexit
ALRIGHT chief? Welcome to the Festival of Brexit. I’m Steve Malley, former UKIP candidate for Leatherhead, and if you’re a Remainer you can frankly f**k off now.
Gen Z teen making fun of you via f**king stupid dance
AN IRRITATING young person is mocking you by throwing some dumb shapes on TikTok, it has been confirmed.
Nan still pissed off about uninvited visitors arriving at dinnertime in 2003
A NAN has still not forgiven members of her family for turning up at her house unannounced at 4.30pm 18 years ago.
No longer talking about the future: six signs Scotland is thinking of leaving you
ALWAYS in a bad mood, never laughs at your jokes, and left a draft bill for an independence referendum in the printer? Scotland might be thinking of leaving.
How to strut around the supermarket like you f**king own the place
WANT to celebrate a year of lockdown by strutting down the Asda aisles like John Travolta doing a Liam Gallagher impression?
Six bloody confusing things about working in an office, by Prince Harry
WELL, I’ve gone and got a proper job. Sort of. But no one warned me working in an office would be such a minefield.
Census to be redone after leaving out question on what you call a bread roll
THE 2021 census is to be recalled after leaving out the crucial question on what you and members of your household call a bread roll.
Get drunk in front of the telly: five ways to mark a year of lockdown
ONE year to the day since the government locked down the UK, here’s how to mark the occasion without lifting a finger.
Six very obvious problems with believing in UFOs
A FORMER US intelligence director has said there are more UFO sightings than people realise. These are the questions you need to ignore to believe in one.
