Husband thinks he won argument
A MAN is labouring under the delusion that he has won an argument with his wife.
Supermarket accidentally sells pizza with enough toppings on it
A SUPERMARKET has offered a full refund after a man bought a pizza with a satisfying amount of toppings on it.
Woman takes any compliment as an insult
A WOMAN has the amazing ability to take any compliment given her and instantly turn it into an insult, her partner has confirmed.
Spiders break truce by entering bedroom
THE spiders living in a suburban house have broken their truce with the human co-occupants by entering the forbidden zone of the bedroom.
The Brexiter’s guide to misunderstanding democracy
ARE you a Brexiter unable to stop howling about democracy despite not knowing how it works? Here’s how to be a shouty, ill-informed w**ker.
How to be liberal by calling everyone else racist
IS everyone racist except you? Are you the only white person who truly gets it? Do they need to be told?
Can’t we all just get along? Take our test
IS IT really so impossible for us all to forget our differences over Brexit and just get along?
Massively stoned Brit in Amsterdam pretending he can discern between skunk varieties
AN out-of-his-box British man in Amsterdam is claiming he can tell the difference between various strains of super-strong skunk.
I mixed up Ireland and the Isle of Man, admits Johnson
THE prime minister has confessed to his Brexit negotiating team that he confused Ireland, the independent country and EU member, with the Isle of Man.
Matalan’s new slogan ‘For the mum who’s given up on life’
HIGH street retailer Matalan has changed its slogan to ‘for the mum who’s given up on life’.
How to make a documentary about benefits scroungers
DOCUMENTARIES about people claiming benefits are as popular with Channel 5 viewers as ever, but could you make one?
Boris Johnson searching UK for place he won’t get a boll*cking
THE prime minister is searching the whole of Britain to find a location he can visit without a member of the public tearing him a new ars*hole.
Seven reasons to never buy The Sun
THE Sun is Britain’s favourite race-hate tabloid that acts like we’re constantly at war, but it’s a mistake to ever read it. Here are seven reasons why:
Toddlers into making their parents look like lying w**kers
TODDLERS have confirmed that refusing to do the clever thing they have been doing all week so their parents look like liars is their favourite game.
Horrible songs for buskers to ruin everyone’s day
MAKING c*ck-all money busking so want to take revenge on everyone on your high street instead? Try these numbers:
No pressure but Freshers’ Week must be best week of your life, students told
FIRST-YEAR students have been told to settle in, take things easily and to have the best week of their whole lives or there is something wrong with them.
Relaxation app needs to chill the f**k out
A SMARTPHONE relaxation app really needs to take a f**king chill pill, users have confirmed.
Woman talking to baby really talking to baby’s mum
A WOMAN is addressing a baby with questions that can only be answered by the baby’s mother.
Woman finally realises that champagne is revolting
A WOMAN who has spent her adult life pretending that champagne is marvellous and special has finally admitted it tastes like farty urine.
Missing cat poster whitewashes record of violence and vandalism
A POSTER for a ‘much-loved’ missing cat has omitted its nine-year reign of terror over the rest of the street.
