I have never met Prince Andrew, says Queen
THE Queen has issued an official statement denying that she has ever met disgraced former trade envoy Prince Andrew.
Thrilled pub-goers all to be unconscious by 3pm
THIRSTY souls who charge out for their first pub binge in months on Saturday will be unconscious by mid-afternoon, experts have confirmed.
Your guide to the government’s horrible, overpriced new-build homes
BORIS Johnson has promised to ‘build build build’ more affordable homes, which are bound to be tiny new flats you still can’t afford. Here’s what property developers have in mind.
How to be an absolute bellend on ‘Super Saturday’
IT'S not long until scenes of drunken carnage begin to unfold on 4 July. But are you properly prepared to be an obnoxious, antisocial dick on 'Super Saturday'?
Last mum to correct her children’s Americanisms gives up
THE last British mum who dutifully corrects her children’s Americanisms has finally given up.
Farage returns to work posing with a pint and grinning like a twat
AS pubs reopen, Nigel Farage has got back to the daily grind of being photographed holding a pint and grinning like a twat.
Twat gets intense satisfaction from having wrong opinion about everything
A MAN gets a tiresome thrill from never expressing a single reasonable opinion about anything, people have noticed.
The new rules for school which children will unfailingly obey because that’s what kids are like
THE government has outlined its new half-arsed rules for reopening schools which are impossible to follow and will be ignored. But what are they?
How to win at office politics from home
ARE you locked in a video call power struggle with your colleagues? Here’s how to navigate the nest of vipers you work with from the comfort of your own home.
Your guide to becoming a billionaire by doing f**k all, by Kim Kardashian
WHAT’S the secret to becoming obscenely rich, apart from being born already rich and knowing lots of other rich people? Here are my tips.
Leicester wants lockdown rules translated into indecipherable slang
LEICESTER has demanded that the confusing local lockdown rules should be translated into its impenetrable dialect.
Test and trace demanded for those still infected with Brexit enthusiasm
SCIENTISTS have called for tests to locate those who still think Brexit is going to be great, so that they can be isolated from the rest of society.
Let’s nuke Leicester to be sure, Cummings suggests
DOMINIC Cummings has suggested detonating a nuclear device in Leicester city centre to surgically remove coronavirus from the Midlands.
Mum never thought she’d be so desperate to visit a soft play centre
A WOMAN who has entertained her children in her own home for four months would give anything to ignore them in a soft play centre for two hours.
Observant boyfriend notices girlfriend’s hair has ‘gone a different colour on top’
A KEEN-EYED boyfriend has spotted that the top of his partner’s hair has, over the last four months, changed to a different colour than the rest of it.
M&S reports alarming surge in middle-class twats
MARKS & Spencer has reported a massive spike in middle-class twats buying overpriced ready meals and bland clothing.
The dad’s guide to pretending you went to raves
WITH illegal raves making a comeback, middle-aged dads can earn kudos from their teenage kids by claiming they were at the heart of the 90s dance scene.
Disappointment for millions who had booked holidays in Leicester
MILLIONS of holidaymakers who had booked breaks in Leicester will be staying at home as the summer hotspot faces extended lockdown.
The gammon’s guide to going abroad
AIR bridges mean that holidaying abroad is back on, so beet-red patriot Roy Hobbs explains how to make the most of two weeks in countries full of foreign bastards.
Escape from Leicester – have you got what it takes? Play our game
LEICESTER is no longer a city – it is a prison. But have you got what it takes to make it out?
