What the f**k is the point of a 10pm curfew? A scientist tries to explain
PUBS in the North East will be subject to a 10pm curfew to curb coronavirus. Here, scientist Dr Joseph Turner attempts to explain what f**king good that will do.
Guardian accidentally runs story that doesn’t make you feel like topping yourself
THE Guardian has issued an apology to its readers after it mistakenly let through an article that did not cause feelings of utter despair about everything.
New parent covered in shit and puke told ‘you’ll miss this one day’
THE parents of a two-month-old baby were told to ‘treasure every moment’ as their daughter was covering them in vile bodily fluids.
The clapped-out Mancunian rock star’s guide to Covid-19
NEED Covid advice? Fortunately two of the most well-known rock stars of yesteryear, Noel Gallagher and Ian Brown, are here to join intellectual forces and tell it like it is.
‘Problem’ drinker actually finding it quite easy
A MAN who read a newspaper article saying the amount he drinks is a problem has confirmed that he is actually finding it to be very easy.
The six most annoying bastards who come knocking at your door
WILL people not stop knocking on your front door? Either scrawl ‘COVID PLAGUE HERE’ on it or give short shrift to the following bastards.
Are you too thick to vote?
BRITAIN’S current crisis is the result of voters failing to understand important issues, experts claim. So are you one of Britain’s thick-as-pigshit voters?
Online freshers’ week includes drunken Zoom sex with weird guy from course
UNIVERSITIES’ online freshers weeks will include the traditional session of spontaneous awful sex with a loner bloke from your course but via Zoom.
Foreign holiday quickest and easiest way of getting coronavirus test
FLYING to Italy and being given a coronavirus test on arrival is far quicker and easier than trying to get one in the UK, the NHS has advised.
Man with long-winded explanation of why he’s single just a twat
A MAN with a long, detailed explanation as to why he has chosen to be single is in fact just a bellend, it has emerged.
How to be a ponce about your lockdown
WERE your lockdown experiences deeper and more meaningful than everyone else’s? Do you need to tell them?
Nits shagging all over your kids’ hair
HEADLICE who spent six months gagging for it are holding a rampant orgy all over your children’s hair.
The Tory activities you can ignore the Rule of Six for
SHOOTING grouse and stag-hunting are exceptions to the Rule of Six thanks to Conservative lawmakers, but what else?
UK law now opt-in
BRITISH law now only applies to you if you ticked the box when you were filling in the form, it has emerged.
How to enjoy being a petty-minded snitch
IS being asked by the government to grass everyone up for Rule of Six violations your dream come true? Here’s how make the most of it.
Starmer self-isolating after family member shows symptoms of Corbynism
SIR Keir Starmer has been forced to self-isolate at home after a member of his household displayed symptoms of Corbynism.
Have you memorised your Wetherspoons emergency survival plan?
IN THE event of a Covid outbreak in your local 'Spoons, fast and decisive action by punters is required. Here is the chain’s advice to read and commit to memory.
No Deal Brexit could see Waitrose become billionaire-only
ONLY customers with a net worth of a billion-plus will be able to afford Waitrose if Britain leave the EU without a deal, the supermarket has warned.
Six bedtime habits to leave you knackered the next day
A ILL-JUDGED bedtime routine can ruin the whole of the next day. These simple habits will ensure you wake up completely buggered from the outset.
Is your ex toxic or just a wanker?
WHEN a relationship ends, it throws up questions about whether your ex was a toxic abusive manipulating gaslighter or a simple twat.
