Romantic wild swim ends in severe bout of the shits
A COUPLE who thought it would be romantic to swim naked in a tranquil river have ended up with a nasty dose of diarrhoea and some tetanus booster jabs.
Dog horrified to discover owner is low-ranking beta male
A DOG has been shocked to discover his owner is not a pack leader but a lowly subordinate.
Vaper confident that caramel-flavoured nicotine gas could never be detrimental to health
A VAPE user doesn’t believe that inhaling gallons of flavoured nicotine mist might be somehow be unhealthy.
Woman who finishes friends’ sentences on f**king thin ice
A WOMAN who finishes the ends of her friends' sentences is on fucking thin ice, it has been confirmed.
Mum fends off robbers by telling them about her blog
A BRAVE mother-of-two fought off handbag thieves by describing her blog about the trials and tribulations of being a mum.
Government commits £49 to tent for the homeless
THE government has unveiled plans to eradicate homelessness by buying a tent from Millets.
Woman trapped in hateful job working with stupid bastards for evil corporation seems a bit grumpy today
COLLEAGUES of a woman who is basically a slave to a vast evil corporation run by bastards have asked her why she’s being a bit moody.
Box of green tea in office kitchen now longest-serving member of staff
A BOX of green tea in an office kitchen has now been there longer than any of the employees.
Tickets on the door only, rules Ticketmaster
TICKETMASTER has closed its secondary resales websites and its main website, announcing that from now on the only way to get in is to queue at the door.
I can’t wait to see Jason Statham fight a massive vagina, sorry I mean shark
AS a huge fan of the Stath I’ve always wanted to see him punch a giant predatory vagina - oops I meant to say shark.
Dad who reckons he could have been a rock star if it wasn’t for his family is wrong
A MAN who thinks he would have been a famous rock star if he had not had a family would not have been, it has been confirmed.
Telegraph readers demand more stuff about Muslims and a free pair of gardening gloves
READERS of the Telegraph have confirmed they want more anti-Muslim propaganda and a free pair of gardening gloves.
Parents with small children going on holiday because they’re insane
PARENTS with toddlers are leaving under their own volition for a summer holiday of nerve-shredding anxiety because they are out of their minds.
The Wetherspoons guide to manners and etiquette
RECENTLY a Wetherspoons refused to serve two homeless men. So how can you make sure you are not turned away from this elite drinking establishment? Read our guide.
Burqas apparently biggest issue facing family of twats from Nantwich
ISLAMIC women’s clothing is somehow having a terrible effect on a white, mostly atheist family in Cheshire.
Recruitment agent has moment of remorse then goes back to being a bastard
A RECRUITER has had a moment of remorse before going straight back to being a bastard, it has been revealed.
How to pretend you do the recommended amount of exercise
Read our guide to convincing people you’re doing enough exercise.
A six-step guide to kissing your boss’s arse
MAYBE you're already the office’s snivelling little arse-licker, but you could always do better.
Wanker hotel guests to be reviewed on TripAdvisor
PAIN-IN-THE-ARSE hotel guests are to be rated out of five in an attempt to improve the standard of their visits.
Poem about Jeremy Corbyn may be shittest thing ever
A WOMAN’S poem praising Jeremy Corbyn may be the most horrendous thing ever to exist.
