How not to be Madonna when you hit 60
ARE you wondering if you should be like Madonna when you hit the big 6-0? The answer is probably 'no', so here is a guide to not being an ageing pop megalomaniac in later life.
Five annoying things about millennials we’ve just made up
DO you love getting angry about millennials? Here are some things about them we’ve imagined which will make you despise them even more.
Inspirational drivel to post on Facebook then do the opposite of
DO you wish you were less of a loser but prefer putting inspirational messages on Facebook to actually doing something about it? Here are some mantras just for you!
Middle aged man vows to one day find out what a carb is
A 55-YEAR-OLD reading the newspaper over a full cooked breakfast has renewed his commitment to discovering what a carb is.
Cheeky bastards asking for help with renovations want friends to be their slaves
A COUPLE asking friends to ‘pitch in’ with their home improvements essentially want their friends to be unpaid slave labour.
Woman asks friend for ‘feedback’ on incredibly shit children’s book idea
A WOMAN found it hard to give positive feedback on a friend’s children's book idea because it was shockingly shite, it has emerged.
Why A-levels are bullshit, by someone with a D and two Es
I BELIEVE now is the time to address the issue of A-levels being stupid bullshit, which has nothing to do with my somewhat underwhelming results of D, E, E and U.
Twats up ante by going to foreign music festival
SMUG twats who live to outdo their friends have upped the ante by attending a music festival in Portugal.
Kids unable to play without doing weird American accent
CHILDREN adopt annoying American accents when playing and nobody really knows why, it has emerged.
‘I’m happy for you’ actually means ‘No I’m f**king not’
PEOPLE are never telling the truth when they claim to be happy for you, research has confirmed.
Which WhatsApp group is ruining your life?
WHICH WhatsApp group is taking up all your time and sapping your will to live?
Romantic wild swim ends in severe bout of the shits
A COUPLE who thought it would be romantic to swim naked in a tranquil river have ended up with a nasty dose of diarrhoea and some tetanus booster jabs.
Woman sure poor people will love pile of crap she’s taken to charity shop
A WOMAN is convinced her donations to a charity shop are bringing joy to others, despite them just being rubbish she wants out of the house.
Experts on house prices not twats like other experts, UK decides
EXPERTS warning of a fall in house prices should be treated like wise sages while everyone else is ignored, Britain has decided.
Glamping just like staying in luxury hotel but you also crap in a hole
GLAMPING is exactly like staying at a posh hotel except you have to defecate into a hole in the ground, it has emerged.
Dog horrified to discover owner is low-ranking beta male
A DOG has been shocked to discover his owner is not a pack leader but a lowly subordinate.
Vaper confident that caramel-flavoured nicotine gas could never be detrimental to health
A VAPE user doesn’t believe that inhaling gallons of flavoured nicotine mist might be somehow be unhealthy.
Which subliminal mind-control messages will be on Strictly this year?
AS the new Strictly Come Dancing approaches, which subliminal messages will it contain to keep the population in a state of sheep-like docility? Here they are in full.
Couple who bought house now interested in ‘the economy’
A COUPLE who bought a house are suddenly interested in 'the economy', their friends have confirmed.
Dressing dog up a cry for help
A WOMAN dressing her dog up in human outfits is not doing too well, she has confirmed.
