Masterchef viewers divided over Greg Wallace copulating with food

VIEWERS are divided over the latest series of Masterchef, in which judge Greg Wallace assesses dishes after having sexual intercourse with them.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the NHS is trying to kill us, so we'd better pay shitloads to go private, am I right?

WAKING up with a hangover that feels like rhinoceri are vigorously mating within my cranium, I reflect on the events of the past couple of days. 

The five and only five emails people send in office jobs
OFFICE jobs look complicated from the outside, but all they really involve is sending these five emails again and again and again forever.
Hoovers, postmen and oddly-shaped rocks: The terrible dangers I protect you from by barking, by your dog

IT’S a scary world out there for you humans. Luckily I’m always there to protect you with my terrifying barking abilities. Here are the threats I keep at bay every single day.

Seven ways the inevitable OJ Simpson TV drama will be terrible

THERE is not a cat in hell’s chance that the death of OJ Simpson won’t result in a rubbish TV drama. And if recent efforts like Netflix’s Scoop are anything to go by, this is what it will be like.

A white home counties roadman endures wasteman careers week

WAGWAN? Active J is bare misunderstood, bruv. Man has been hexplainin’ all week to wasteman careers muppets, man don’t need no job hadvice. Man is flexin’ swag to bein’ a gangsta rapper, innit?

The sordid details of your sex life: Things you'll deeply regret telling your mates when pissed

DRINKING sessions are a great way to connect with friends when your inhibitions are down. And also ruin your life by sharing these overly personal admissions. 

Man living in fear his mates will discover his girlfriend's TikTok

A MAN is concerned that friends will find his girlfriend’s TikTok account containing lip-sync videos, unfunny reels, and dances she is unaware teenage boys are wanking to.

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Politics

'Oh what, like you've never sent a hostile foreign power nudes?' says Tory MP

CONSERVATIVE MP William Wragg has told people judging him for sending nudes to a foreign agent they have undoubtedly done the same or worse themselves.

New Year's Eve, and five other times in 2024 that would be best for Sunak to call an election

COULD a cleverly chosen date for the election swing it for Rishi Sunak? It’s unlikely he’s got any other brilliant strategies, so here are some days he should keep in mind.

Scottish police to look like dicks either way

SCOTTISH police have confirmed they will look like big fascist knobs if they arrest JK Rowling and limp little willys if they do not.

We ask you: when should Rishi Sunak get his arse kicked at a general election?

THE prime minister has been accused of chickening out of calling a general election by Labour. When should he go to the country and lose?

Quick war with China to clinch election, decides government

THE government has decided to engage in a quick war with China to gain public support ahead of the election, it has emerged.

'Juliet is white in the film': The racist moron's guide to Shakespeare
A NEW production of Romeo and Juliet featuring a black actress as Juliet has attracted racist abuse. Here bigot Roy Hobbs explains why the Bard wasn’t woke.

Society

We ask you: who are you making a hate crime complaint about?

SCOTS holding grudges are rushing to make hate crime complaints under new laws. Who are you reporting to the authorities?

Badgers still unable to cross a f**king road

BADGERS remain utterly incapable of crossing roads while avoiding oncoming traffic, anyone who drove through a rural area over the weekend has confirmed.

Atheists unable to explain how evolution could make egg-laying bunny

ATHEISTS who reject religious doctrine have admitted nothing in their precious science can provide an explanation for the existence of the Easter Bunny.

King lays groundwork for scabbing a tenner

THE King’s call for kindness is a pretext for asking everyone to lend him ten pounds, it has emerged.

We ask you: Generation Z are less happy than their elders. Is it their own fault?

A NEW survey shows Generation Z in the US and Europe are significantly less happy than older generations. How can we cheer them up?

Joaquin Phoenix's Joker really speaks to my sense of not having sex. By Martin Bishop
JOKER really spoke to young men like me. My generation faces economic uncertainty, the end of traditional gender roles, and the possibility of having to hollow out a melon to have something a bit like sex.

Lifestyle

Couple conceive second child as long-term investment to stop first one hassling them

A COUPLE are having a second child because they are already bored rigid of having to play with their first one, they have confirmed.

Seven magical family days out by rail you'll spend at Euston Station

AFTER a chaotic Bank Holiday weekend, Euston was at a standstill again yesterday. But Network Rail keeps urging us to have family days out by train, so here are some great places you won’t get to.

'The females don their cock deely-boppers for the ritual to commence': Sir David Attenborough narrates a hen party

NATURALIST, naturist and national treasure Sir David Attenborough has turned his analytical eye to the brutal and feral rituals of the hen party.

Six knobheads that will never reply to your message

ARE you a grump for suspecting your message will be ignored as you press ‘send’? No, because you’re contacting one of these feckless bastards.

Man shocked to learn his friends are having kids on purpose

A MAN is stunned to discover that his friends are at an age where they are actively having children on purpose, it has emerged.

Mum gives dog spends

A WOMAN has admitted giving her pet dog a weekly allowance so he can get himself little treats if he want to.

Sport

We ask you: is it time to kick out England's most successful manager since 1966 for being shit?

GARETH Southgate, the most successful England manager since Alf Ramsey, is a miserable failure who lost his country two Euros and a World Cup. Time for him to go?

People who don't follow football still under impression Man United are amazing 

MANCHESTER United’s reputation among those with zero interest in sport is still that of a world-class team, it has emerged.

Newborn in Liverpool shirt fake fan and glory hunter

A TINY baby in a Liverpool top who has barely supported them during the week since his birth has been accused of chasing clout and trophies.

We ask you: how will football's new blue cards unfairly punish your club?

FOOTBALL is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work; the FA just really likes the colour. How would you use them?

We ask you: how dangerously triggered are you by foreigners doing benefit fraud?
A BULGARIAN criminal gang has stolen a record £53.9 million with fake Universal Credit claims over four years. So how unfeasibly angry does it make you, and should you call an ambulance?

Science & Technology

'I've always hated you': What your friend said in their deleted WhatsApp message

WHATSAPP loves shit-stirring by telling you a friend has deleted a message. Here’s a reasonable guess at what they said.

There never was a 'Kate', Palace admits

BUCKINGHAM Palace has admitted that no such person as ‘Kate Middleton’ ever existed outside of digital imaging software.

A single initial, and other twatty ways to sign off an email

SIGNING off an email is a minefield in which you’re always just one word away from metaphorically losing a foot. Here are some of the twattiest sign-offs to avoid.

Dad's photo memories just pictures of meter readings and wifi passwords

A HEART-WARMING montage of recent images created by a father’s phone consists almost entirely of pictures of meter readings and Wi-Fi router codes.

Six ways to imply that you just got laid on social media

SEX, like justice, must not only be done but be seen to be done. But when signalling to friends, family and work colleagues from 2008 that you’ve recently done it be subtle.

How to be shit at gossiping, by a man
DOES the minutiae of people’s personal lives somehow fail to grip you? It might be because you’re a man. Here Martin Bishop explains how to be useless at spreading tittle-tattle.

Arts & Entertainment

We ask you: does Netflix's dramatisation of the Prince Andrew interview prove his innocence once and for all?

SCOOP, a dramatisation of Prince Andrew’s infamous 2019 Newsnight interview, has the whole world wondering if they judged him too harshly. What’s your view?

Fit actors you pathetically slogged through questionable Brit films for

BRITAIN has produced plenty of attractive actors, but also many terrible movies for them to be in. Here are some of the dubious Brit films you suffered through to ogle a star.

'Suck it till your hymen pops': Subtle clues that P Diddy had unsavoury views toward women

SEAN ‘Diddy’ Combs is facing serious accusations including holding 'sex-trafficking parties'. But was there already reason to suspect he might not be a staunch defender of women?

Bookshelf now source of more guilt than pleasure

BRITONS have admitted that their shelves are stuffed full of books they have bought but will not read because watching telly is easier.

Gen Z teen confused by strong male character

A MALE teenager has been left confused by a film in which a man faces challenges like fist fights that are traditionally left to female characters.

The middle-aged person's guide to losing friends
IS your life cluttered with friends you’d prefer didn’t exist? Or require a minor effort to occasionally meet? Learn how to lose them like a middle-aged pro.

Business

Post Office blames postmasters for counterfeit stamps, bad weather and the decline of the Arctic Monkeys

THE Post Office has announced that counterfeit stamps, heavy rain and the Arctic Monkeys’ recent loungecore albums are all postmasters’ fault.

Thames Water also full of shit

THAMES Water is just as full as shit as the river it is named after and is responsible for pumping human excrement into, analysts have advised.

Rail replacement buses, and other pains in the arse it should be illegal to charge for

‘BECAUSE we value our customers, we are continuing to charge the full price for a service that is far worse than advertised,’ say businesses, and the f**kers get away with it.

'How do you spell cheugy?': The new piss-easy Gen Z version of Scrabble
THE makers of Scrabble have launched a new version which is ‘less competitive’ for Generation Z. This sounds like bollocks, so what can fans of the tiresome board game expect?

Work

Workplace safety assessment finds main hazard being around twats all day

WORKPLACE safety assessments are finding that the main occupational hazard facing Britons is being around twats all day.

Emergency plumber drunk on godlike power

AN emergency plumber with an exorbitant call out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than Zeus, he has confirmed.

I hate my life, says only honest person on LinkedIn

THE only honest profile on LinkedIn has shared that he hates his job, boss and life and could not give a free-form f**k about his employer’s strategic vision.

Six things that f**k over your chances of getting out of work on time

HOPING to finish work bang on time for once? No chance. One of these twists of fate is about to royally screw you over.

Man who just went on LinkedIn still feels dirty

A MAN who went on LinkedIn for five minutes is consumed with self-loathing after hitting ‘like’ on several posts of tedious self-promotional bullshit.

Man on first date confused as woman resembles photo
A MAN on his first date with someone he met on a dating app was left confused when he discovered she looked exactly like her profile photo.

Alcohol

Every type of British person able to afford to drink every day

INCOME, age, race and class have proved no obstacle to any British citizen’s inalienable right to drink alcohol whenever they want to.

Lads' pub chat dries up after all 90s footballers named

A GROUP of lads out for an all-day session have lapsed into silence after exhausting their stock of ironic football-based banter.

Pre-drinking effortlessly dovetails into proper drinking

A GROUP of friends meeting for pre-drinks before a night out have found themselves slipping painlessly into serious drinking.

Night out with mates disappointingly good in the end

A MAN who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at himself for enjoying it.

Five reasons school night hangovers are worse than weekend hangovers

WEEKEND hangovers are bad enough, but they’ve got nothing on ones during the working week. Here’s why you’ll regret getting shitfaced on a school night.

Seven unpleasant truths you'll have to confront in Dry January

DRY January lasts just one month, but the things you learn while not drinking will stay with you forever. Prepare yourself for these grim truths about your existence.