Anyone described as having a ‘heart of gold’ is a rough, scary f**ker
ANYONE described as having a ‘heart of gold’ is always terrifyingly rough, it has emerged.
Bag of quinoa in man’s cupboard outlasts three girlfriends
A HALF-USED bag of quinoa in a kitchen cupboard has outlasted its owner’s last three relationships, he has realised.
‘My only consolation is that whoever follows me will be far worse’
A GREAT many unkind things have been said about me since my resignation on Friday. I have been called dishonest, ill-prepared, deluded and hopeless.
Now do Corbyn, says Britain
THE British public has welcomed the long overdue resignation of Theresa May and asked Jeremy Corbyn to hand his in next.
Wife who agreed to share bottle of wine only drinks one glass again
A WIFE who keeps agreeing to share a whole bottle of wine with her husband has only had one glass again, it has been confirmed.
May to be remembered as Poundland Thatcher who accomplished jack sh*t
THERESA May will forever be remembered as a knock-off Margaret Thatcher who wasted three years fucking about with bullshit, commentators believe.
Morning airport drinking somehow consequence-free, reckon blokes
MEN believe that drinking beer at any time of day is harmless so long as it is carried out within an airport departure lounge.
How to be incredibly annoying at work
DO you like pissing off colleagues with your incredibly annoying personal habits? Here are some great ones to try - if you haven’t already!
Six ways to be superior when showing people your vinyl collection
WHAT is showing someone your record collection except a chance to prove you’re better than them? Here are some ways to really be a wanker about it.
Couple who went to New York making sure everyone knows they stayed in Brooklyn
A COUPLE who went on holiday to New York are making sure everyone knows they stayed in the ‘coolest’ area, Brooklyn.
Five shit endings that still would have been better than the Game of Thrones finale
GAME of Thrones fans’ disappointment shows no sign of abating, so here are five terrible endings that are still better than what actually happened.
Middle class men ‘still have no idea why they try to impress working class men’
MIDDLE class men still cannot explain their pathetic urge to try to impress working class men they meet.
Couple’s date in diary for sex getting dangerously close
A BUSY couple who put a date in their diary to ensure they have sex are becoming increasingly panicked as it draws closer.
Vote for whoever you like, it doesn’t matter and nobody gives a toss, experts advise
EXPERTS have advised that if there was ever an election where voters could throw caution to the wind and go hogwild, this is the one.
Are you a ‘radicalised Remainer’ or do you just think Farage is a tw*t?
HAS voting to remain in the EU somehow turned you into a traitorous, UK-hating fundamentalist, or do you just hate Nigel Farage? Here’s how to tell.
Brexiters excited to vote on thing they know jack shit about again
LEAVE voters have confirmed they will be turning out in large numbers to vote on a thing they do not have a clue about.
Arsehole actually writes on gift bag label
A FRIEND has actually written a personal message on the gift bag containing her pal’s birthday present, confirming herself to be a a total arsehole.
Karma’s a bitch, say kids who loved Turkey Twizzlers
A GENERATION who were robbed of deliciously unhealthy school meals by Jamie Oliver have told him that what goes around comes around.
Are you suffering from imposter syndrome or are you genuinely shit?
DO YOU feel like you’ve fluked your way into your current position, aren’t up to it, and are terrified of being found out?
Cunning robot ticks ‘I’m not a robot’ box
A CUNNING robot has outsmarted the Internet by claiming that ‘it is not a robot’ whenever it is asked.
