Second lockdown impossible to discern with naked eye
SCIENTISTS have confirmed that it is almost impossible to discern any difference between England before and after lockdown without specialist equipment.
My morning routine, by a woman who is lying
HOW you start the day has a huge impact on your life, and I’m here to tell you, in barely credible terms, how to begin yours in the best, most bullshit way.
Public school dickhead calls everyone by their surname
A DICKHEAD who went to public school refers to everyone by their surname no matter how much they wish he would stop.
Nine things to pretend you’re looking forward to
CHRISTMAS will be cancelled, booking a holiday is idiocy and the calendar is blank. Convince people you’ve not given up all hope by pretending to look forward to these.
Queen wondering if The Crown will show her mother getting massively pissed
QUEEN Elizabeth II is curious to see whether the new season of The Crown will show her mother getting as hammered as she did in real life, palace insiders have confirmed.
Best part of having a dog is when it runs away and you have to chase it for hours, say dogs
DOGS believe that the best thing about owning them is when they make you search for them for hours in dense woodland.
Five potential career moves for Melania Trump
WITH her husband due to leave the White House, Melania Trump is reported to be considering a range of career moves, drawing on her many skillsets. Here are some options.
Six everyday unexplained complete f**king mysteries
IS everyday life full of baffling questions you’re losing sleep over? Here are some mysteries that confuse the nation every single day.
Six emails to send at 5pm on Friday for maximum damage
ARE you a workplace twat who wants to ruin people’s weekends? These emails will ensure your colleagues return on Monday stressed and unhappy.
Five things which used to impress the ladies but now not so much
IMPRESSING women was much easier when gender norms were entrenched and everyone was quite sexist. Here are some strategies blokes can no longer rely on.
Legendary comedy series ‘Scotland in a tournament’ returns for 2021
THE BBC has delighted viewers by announcing the surprise return of much-loved comedy series ‘Scotland in a football tournament’ next year.
How Americans write dates: five other things the US should get rid of
AMERICA - the land of the free, home of the brave, and domain of quite a few idiots. Having finally booted out Donald Trump, here are five other dumb things the US needs to get rid of.
I superforecasted all this, says Cummings
DOMINIC Cummings has confirmed that he superforecasted everything about the current Downing Street row, including being out on his arse.
Gove reassures Kent that one portaloo for 200 lorry drivers probably won’t affect property prices
MICHAEL Gove has told the people of Kent that the all-pervasive smell of lorry drivers’ excrement will actually be a ‘Brexit bonus’ for the county.
‘Gaslighting’ and other trendy phrases idiots use and get wrong
DO you like to sprinkle your conversation with contemporary phrases, but get them wrong and sound like an idiot? Here are some to avoid.
Carrie Symonds announces cabinet reshuffle
CARRIE Symonds, in her capacity as prime minister’s consort, has announced a full cabinet reshuffle.
How to make everyone hate you, by Extinction Rebellion
DO you have an important point to make but want to get it across in a way that makes everyone think you’re an absolute wanker? Follow these tips.
Cyclists who follow the Highway Code to be punished
THE government is launching a crackdown on the minority of cyclists who bother to follow the Highway Code.
Man holds out for five seconds before talking over girlfriend
A MAN gave his girlfriend every opportunity to express herself coherently at a dinner party before reluctantly speaking on her behalf.
Five ways Matt Hancock will totally f**k up the vaccination
EXPERTS say the UK could return to normality by Easter if we don’t screw up the vaccine rollout. Here’s how Matt Hancock will screw up the vaccine rollout.












