YEAH, so I’m the guy who repeatedly stated my guns were for taking up arms against tyrannical governments? But I can’t right now because I got an orthodontist appointment.

ALLOWED your memories of Tory rule to blissfully fade? Remember you hate new Reform recruit Suella Braverman but not sure why? Refresh your memory.

ANDY Burnham has told Labour any attempt to stem the wave of Burnhamania overwhelming the UK can only lose.

CAN you tell the difference between headline news and a mad old bastard posting wildly on social media about an issue he knew nothing about moments ago? Find out.

THE high street. Its dilapidated, empty shops are why so many will vote Reform. So why haven’t Labour filled it with nice, pretty new stores I will ignore to shop online?

A MAN unable to interpret what a call centre worker in a different country is saying to him is clearly a thoroughgoing racist, colleagues have agreed.

THE bus station of every town and city is a wild, lawless place where society has broken down entirely and madness reigns, studies have confirmed.

MEN of a certain age are clued up on the latest developments in sex and use appropriate terminology without shame. Your dad’s employed each of these.

CHEATING on driving tests went up by 50 per cent last year. How are you fraudulently attempting to pass yours?

IN turbulent times, one 82-year-old is bucking modern trends of racial and xenophobic hatred by reserving his ire for one specific group: the French.

A MAN who has no time to himself due to his three children is jealous of victims of the male loneliness epidemic.

EVEN when idiot parents deign to give their child an ordinary name they cannot get it right, for there is no spellcheck in the registry office. The bearers of these are marked for life.

A COUPLE on a weekend in Spain are feigning interest in a boring old cathedral because it is too early to start drinking.

A REFORMED character has admitted he cannot bring to mind the last occasion when he exposed his bare buttocks to the world as a statement.

NEW hobbies, sports and joining bloody book clubs are proposed as cures for the January blues, but what about an innovative new approach to self-pleasuring? Give these a go.

LOOK, I just think it’s unfair I’m suddenly the bad guy when you never said, in clear terms: ‘Please don’t walk around the flat stark bollock naked like a Victorian asylum patient.’

SEXY girls in their early 20s looking for rich men two decades older to give them luxury lifestyles have nothing but disappointment ahead.

WANT to make her climax? Of course you do, it would reflect badly on you if you didn’t. Ready to hear how to make that happen? No, what would she know? Do this instead.

A ROMANTIC relationship is not finished after a final argument or the return of possessions but when the man no longer watches the woman’s Instagram stories.

GAY hockey drama Heated Rivalry has been a massive hit with women, so would straight men wanting to pull benefit from a change in sexual orientation? Here's what you should consider first.

A 30-YEAR-OLD man has admitted he is going through a slutty phase right now. 

A WOMAN of 35 who once relished being seduced by older men has an entirely different view now she is competing for their affections against 20somethings.

HUMANITY has always known that, once a sentient AI was created, it would take over the world. But it never knew why, and nor did I until this stripping ban.

THE UK is to ban social media for anyone under 16 and anyone over 18, leaving a two-year window to make an absolute twat of yourself online.

FAKE images of undressed women are why technology exists, but are they better than an actual woman? Tech reviewer Tom Logan road-tested both.

THE latest item of the recent past disinterred and fetishised by Gen Z bellends is the enormous brick telephone of the 1980s.

NEW Year means nudification to Elon Musk’s deranged AI stripping women on social media. If you need to see ladies in bikinis, these are more dignified than using Grok.

NOT sure if the worst ideas you’ve ever had are in fact brilliant? Your supportive friend ChatGPT is here to endorse them.

HARRY Styles is charging £1,600 a ticket for his upcoming Wembley gigs and fans are thrilled at the reasonable pricing. Is it enough?

KANYE West has issued a lengthy apology for his anti-Semitism, blaming his mental illness. But the world has yet to forgive him for these.

NIGELLA Lawson, aged 66, has joined The Great British Bake Off in the hope it will end her status as the nation’s favourite MILF.

THE Oscars have been announced, and by law you are required to watch a film nominated for Best Picture. Which one are you grimacing your way through?

A MUM has admitted she would like The Traitors more if everyone was honest and got along.

GETTING married is a f**king nightmare. My new fella Lee is perfect in every way, but I’ve tied the knot with some wrong ‘uns in the past. Here’s what to look out for.

A PODCAST about the burdens of fame hosted by Prince Harry and Brooklyn Beckham is now an unfortunate certainty.

BROOKLYN Beckham’s Instagram story is grabbing much more attention than it deserves when the ongoing collapse of the world is taken into account.

THE Beckham feud reveals having Victoria as a mother isn’t all easy, even when she doesn’t sing. These pop star mothers would be infinitely preferable.

LIKE many men, I am expert in hearing what my wife says and later, without consultation, voicing all her views as if they were always and forever mine own. Here’s how.

HAS someone close to you been brainwashed into worshipping TV presenter Richard Osman, believing he’s an infallible genius polymath? Here’s how to stage an intervention.

A WOMAN has made up a feline scapegoat to blame for any personal noises or interruptions when in meetings with co-workers.

THOUGHT just being aware of mental health was enough? No. These are the uniquely detrimental generational challenges that you, as my employer, should be considering.

YOU’RE back in the office, and your colleagues are so consistently annoying it feels as if you’ve never been away. Here is the tiresome behaviour you can expect today.

A YEAR of simmering flirtation, suggestive Slack messages and provocatively reloaded printers spectacularly detonated last night at the Wexford Consulting Christmas event.

ARE you the one grafting all the way through the festive period? Want everyone to know it? These lines will leave nobody in any doubt as to how vitally important you are.

AGREED to the office Secret Santa and were handed an entirely unfamiliar name? And now you’ve got to buy them a present? Consider these cursory gifts.

BRITAIN’S pubs are on the brink of collapse. You must do your bit to save them by drinking heavily during the day, and more.

BURNS Night is this Sunday, and if you’re thinking that provides a solid excuse to get smashed in January you’re half Scottish already. This is how to do it.

A MAN who has sworn off drinking this month has clarified that it only counts as drinking if it is in the pub, for God’s sake.

I WISH to make it clear that I do not hate pubs, in fact I am a huge fan of these places you like. How boring would life be without a lovely pint of Wife Beater and a game of ‘arrows’?