LILY Allen has decreed that it is fine to masturbate in a relationship. Here the pop star who hasn’t had a hit for a while answers all your wanking questions.
LOVE the fascist rantings of the Daily Mail? Want the lifestyle that goes with it? Here are five things that no true Mail fan should be without.
I FEEL good, I feel clean. I have been a long 12 hours without alcohol, including being asleep.
WANT to spend the rest of your life alone without even a whiff of romance? Follow this advice from permanently single twats.
PAUL the psychic octopus was the only thing standing between humanity and catastrophic disaster, scientists have confirmed.
I THOUGHT it would be easy. Marry rich bloated pig man, have quiet life as scowling clothes hanger, wait to outlive him, then have a lovely time as wizened twiglet in killer heels.
DID you stupidly think you’d be happy and sorted by the time you got to middle age? Here are some unpleasant realities you weren’t expecting.
STUDENTS locked down in university halls have begun acting like normal people, it has been confirmed.
Struggling to make bountiful meals for your kids on a budget of pennies? It’s not that hard, you lazy free school meals scrounger. Here’s how a dickhead on social media whips up feasts for next to nothing.
ARE you baffled by how the government can keep getting away with nasty, mean-spirited behaviour? Here Conservative MP Denys Finch Hatton explains how it works.
THE excitement of dressing up like a spooky character for Halloween is rising for children and weird adults.
A SUBURBAN man spends a large amount of time fuming about things he does not agree with which have not actually happened.
DO you think children should work for their pocket money and do endless part-time jobs for pennies? Here’s how to make them 'independent', or maybe 'psychologically scarred'.
HAVING seen its adept handling of complex and uncertain tasks such as making Battenberg cakes, the UK public has urged the Bake Off presenting team to immediately depose the UK government.
A MAN experienced a profound and unfamiliar rush of emotion after being confronted with the sight of a dropped doner kebab.
IT’S tough finding a new job, and it’s even harder when companies sound like they’re assembling the Avengers, rather than employing a data entry assistant. These buzzwords should make you run a mile.
A woman is having a baby solely because her job is terrible, she has confirmed.
A MARRIED couple who spontaneously had sex with each other cannot get over the shock.
STRUGGLING to understand men but don’t want to actually talk to them? Patronising Guardian journalist Joanna Kramer reveals what makes them tick.
AN unbearably smug couple have imbued smugness into every aspect of their lives, it has emerged.