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    the dailymash

    Tuesday, 15th December 2020
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    The Leave voter’s guide to who to blame for Brexit

    BREXIT’S going tits-up, and it can’t be your fault because you voted Leave. Wayne Hayes explains who to point the finger at for undermining our sovereignty.

    Britain’s Lush stores full of awkward boyfriends out of their depth

    HORDES of bewildered boyfriends are milling around Lush desperately seeking Christmas gifts for their partners.

    Do you have an irrational hatred of London?

    LONDON entering tier 3 lockdown is great news if you’re nuturing a hatred of London and everyone in it. Are you one of those dicks?

    Six signs everyone thinks you’re a f**king terrible driver

    DOES anyone getting into your car first ask questions about whether it has working airbags? Then you’re the kind of driver everyone hates being in a car with. These are the signs.

    Sending a blank PDF: the deadline-dodging tricks of Boris Johnson

    THE EU keeps imposing deadlines like idiots who don’t know they’re up against the most experienced deadline-dodger in politics. Here’s how I mock them.

    Cat fuming that his name was on family Christmas card

    A FAMILY cat is livid that his name was added to all the Christmas cards sent by his household without his permission.

  • ‘Je ne suis pas insured’, and other essential No Deal phrases

    STILL planning to visit our sworn enemies in Europe? After our no-deal exit, you’ll need to add these key phrases to your linguistic arsenal.

    Fairy lights solve everything, says Britain

    BRITONS have confirmed that the best way to deal with a pandemic, Brexit and winter is to throw shitloads of fairy lights at them.

    Sending gunboats after the French exactly what I voted for, says Brexiter

    A BREXITER has confirmed that deploying the Royal Navy to fire on French fishermen is absolutely what he voted for in 2016.

    Mrs Brown’s Boys and five other shit things which will survive the End of Days

    IT’S no great leap of imagination to picture us all going to hell in a handcart soon. Which linchpins of modern society will still be going strong after the apocalypse?

    Brexiter

    Five good things Brexit has already given me as a Leaver

    IT looks like we're just hours away from crashing out of the EU without a deal and finally getting our country back. Here are some of the wonderful benefits we’ve already had from Brexit.

    New car essential for superiority reasons, confirms school-run mum

    A WOMAN has confirmed she needs a giant SUV to demonstrate that she earns more than the rest of the parents in her son’s class.

    Boris Johnson to remember it’s Brexit deadline day at about 4pm

    THE prime minister is today expected to rise late, enjoy a lengthy lunch, lie about farting then remember his Brexit deadline at approximately 4pm.

    Cash vs gifts: a teenager’s guide to screwing the maximum value out of relatives

    IT’S the dilemma for any teenager at Christmas: you want cash, but know you can con aunties into spending more on a gift. Rip them off more effectively with our guide.

    Thoughtful husband reminds wife she needs to buy presents for his family too

    A CARING family man has thoughtfully given his wife a list of his relatives to choose, purchase and wrap presents for.

    Children cafe

    Kids refuse to do a thing unless there’s a café after the thing

    Two children have made it clear that a country walk is not acceptable if it does not include a café afterwards.

    Have your own bed and house: secrets to a lasting marriage

    THE strongest marriages can weather any storm, particularly if you only occasionally see each other. Here's how to ensure your marriage lasts.

    Hating the Germans and other things Brits should just let go of now

    BRITAIN has a proud history of dwelling on the past. But as we enter the season of goodwill here are some things we as a nation should probably have let go of a while back.

    Prepare for food shortages, mass unemployment and a 10-year recession, says proud prime minister

    THE UK has been told to get ready for food shortages, rampant inflation and losing their jobs and homes by a strong, resolute prime minister. 

    New Apple headphones block out people laughing at you

    APPLE’S new AirPods Max headphones are capable of blocking out people laughing at you for paying £549 for them, it has emerged.

    NEXT >
    • Features

      • Five weekend activities that say 'this relationship is dead'
      • Boris Johnson's guide to 'levelling up' your life
      • The social media ars*hole's guide to being right
      • Four IKEA products in urgent need of a Brexit makeover
      • Six fun things to do with your Brexit 50p
      • 'It sounds completely insane, but I genuinely like my kids'
      • This year’s top five bullsh*t food trends
      • How to go easy on people who wear hats
    • Arts & Entertainment

      • How to destroy your self-esteem by comparing yourself to celebrities
      • Family Guy, and other TV shows that are somehow still f**king going
      • Diana twats the Queen with a corgi: how accurate is The Crown?
      • Queen wondering if The Crown will show her mother getting massively pissed
      • The 40-something's guide to olden-days television
      • Child adamant glitter spilt all over the living room carpet is not a big issue
      • Halloween outfit excitement rising among children and weird adults
      • Britain urging Bake Off cast to launch coup d’etat
    • Business

      • Woman who vowed not to shop with Amazon this Christmas cracks after three minutes
      • All-night Christmas parties to be held in M&S bakery aisle
      • Shame about that business of yours, says Sir Philip Green to wife
      • Sainsbury's Christmas advert features family of arseholes to accurately reflect modern society
      • John Lewis cuts hundreds of jobs to pay for bullshit advert
    • Environment

      • UK to reintroduce wolves, wild boar and The Cheeky Girls
      • Everyone on country walk pissed off with everyone else on country walk
      • Driving a milk float makes you impotent: A man who knows nothing about electric cars answers your questions
      • How to make everyone hate you, by Extinction Rebellion
      • Who are these f**kers throwing their facemasks away in the street? An investigation
    • Most Popular

    • Freshers working hard on ridiculous personas

      TEENAGERS about to start university are developing absurd new personalities in an attempt to seem interesting.

    • Man who can't stop talking boll*cks clearly ideal for Brexit negotiations

      BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of bullsh*t is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.

    • 'Predator' to win all film awards for 30th consecutive year

      PREDATOR is set to continue its unbroken run of winning every film prize since 1988.

    • Berlin to send back thousands of British hipsters

      BERLIN will return thousands of hipsters when Britain fully departs the EU, it has emerged.

    • No, really, what's the plan, though? May asked

      THERESA May has been told that yesterday's speech was great fun but she now needs to announce the real Brexit plan.

    • Unstable friend now somehow a counsellor

      A WOMAN with a chaotic personal life and a history of believing in total nonsense is now being paid to give people advice, shocked friends have revealed.

    • Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'

      Dear Holly, Can you help me come up with an insult that is more accessible to the ignorant underclasses? Yours, Boris

    • Ask Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?

      If Brexit happens the British people will no longer have access to Nutella or Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher, which would be nothing short of a CATASTROPHE.

    • Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

      “After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying.”

    • Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

      I’m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot

    • Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

      Dear Holly,
      The other day I got involved in an exchange of  words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny  to say, but by then it was too late.

    • Health

      • Over-80s get vaccinated, get shitfaced and hit moshpit
      • The mental and physical health benefits of giving up completely
      • Student returns home with quirky, individual strain of Covid
      • Announcement of vaccine not the same as being vaccinated, idiots told
    • Society

      • A day in the wretched life of a Red Wall voter, by a Guardian writer
      • 'Nailing' and other words arseholes use for 'having sex'
      • Man who wanted Brexit for Christmas would now prefer socks
      • Six sentences you never imagined you'd say before you became a parent
    • Politics

      • Fate of entire nation depends on Boris taking a woman seriously
      • How to cry, by Matt Hancock
      • 'I'll cut off my own dick, don't think I won't,' Johnson threatens EU
      • Lone benefit of Brexit will be schadenfreude, experts confirm
    • Celebrity

      • Here are some actual f**king jobs, UK tells Wills and Kate
      • Nigella Lawson and five other people who have never, ever farted
      • Wrestle a puma, and five other things Laurence Fox will do for attention
      • Rita Ora's guide to your 30th birthday being more important than a mere pandemic
    • Sport

      • Pink football boots and four other reasons 'the game's gone'
      • Audi driver speeding on M6 cites Lewis Hamilton as his inspiration
      • You’re all really bad at this, says Nadal
      • Runner replaces photo of husband and children with Strava route
    • Science & Technology

      • New Apple headphones block out people laughing at you
      • Five fun facts everyone already f**king knows
      • What psychological damage have you suffered from 1980s computer games?
      • Elon Musk invents tiny spaceship that can fly right up his piss hole
    • Most Popular

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