‘This is f**king shit’: six warnings TV and films should really carry
DISNEY has warned viewers of Muppet Show episodes they contain ‘negative depictions of people or cultures’. But what should they really be warning us about?
Gyms opening later than pubs as punishment for twats
THE decision to open pubs earlier than gyms is because all the fitness dickheads needed a time out, SAGE has confirmed.
‘The time for criticising our handling of the pandemic has passed’
THE prime minister has informed Britain that now the virus is beaten, the country must draw a line under any further scrutiny of his actions.
Daft Punk and five other bands you’ve been repeatedly told you like
DAFT Punk are splitting up and you’re meant to be sad, because they’re seminal because music writers love them. But do you?
Hitler Avenue: the street names the British public really want
LOCAL councils are changing outdated and offensive street names. But what names would the good old British public really like? Here are some suggestions.
Public on tenterhooks about grouse shooting rules
AS the prime minister is set to unveil the roadmap out of lockdown, the British public just wants to know when they can resume shooting game birds with guns.
Harry placed 110,001st in line to the throne behind Danny Dyer
THE media has demanded that the Duke of Sussex be moved from sixth in line to the throne to 110,001th, behind the Duke of Walford.
Schools, families meeting outdoors, cheering crowds celebrating Brexit: the roadmap out of lockdown, step-by-step
THE government is set to announce its roadmap out of lockdown later today. Here’s a step-by-step guide to regaining your freedom.
American Beauty and five other films it’s not okay to like anymore
DID your favourite film star Kevin Spacey, and are you now swiftly changing that to something that requires fewer excuses? Don’t pick any of these.
How to lose money in just 30 minutes
BORED during lockdown? Run out of stuff to online shop for? Try these five easy ways to lose money from the comfort of your sofa.
Half-term ‘over’
THE half-term ‘holiday’ has ‘finished’ and children are going ‘back to school’, their dead-eyed parents have confirmed.
Five types of twat who are never off the telly
There are some types of twat who appear on every panel game, discussion programme or reality show going. Here are five offenders you'll definitely recognise.
Nutella found in every area of child and house
EVERY area of both a child and the house he lives in has been found to be covered in Nutella, his parents have confirmed.
The confused person’s guide to the ‘war on woke’
ARE you confused about the ‘war on woke’ and your role in it? Here are all your questions answered about this definitely genuine issue.
Five classic signs of alcohol overconfidence
ONE of the many negative effects of alcohol is way too much confidence. Here are some signs that you may have overdone it.
Most important relationship in family’s life is with internet router
A FAMILY of four have confirmed they cherish every moment they spend with their high-speed wireless router.
Grinding your own coffee beans and other signs you are turning into the worst kind of ponce
DO you have a sneaking suspicion you've taken up the kind of activity that only annoying wankers do? Here are some that you definitely should be avoiding.
Man regrets building entire identity around moustache
A MAN has admitted he regrets building his entire identity around his large waxed moustache.
Five ways to earn money on YouTube by being a talentless wanker
DO you have zero skills? Wondering if you can make it as a YouTube star? Earn millions with our helpful guide:
Five things you were horribly wrong about as a teenager
HAVE you come to realise the world does not work as you thought it did in your teens? Here are some things you were woefully misinformed about.















