Too many or not enough: how many sexual partners have you had?
HOW many people you’ve shagged exactly equates to your worth as a human. Rate yourself on our scale to find out if you are a sexual failure or an amoral slag.
Professor Jonathan Van-Tam’s elaborate summer holiday guide
GOOD day. I regret that anyone planning an elaborate summer holiday, intricate and impenetrable as the Gordian knot, should cancel it. Let me explain what’s advisable.
Who are you absolutely bloody outraged to see getting the vaccine before you do?
BRITONS queueing for vaccines are livid that the less-deserving are jumping the queue while they sit at home waiting for letters like idiots. Who are you most angry about?
Small town’s shitty takeaway claims to have mastered all world cuisine
A TAKEAWAY restaurant wrongly believes itself capable of preparing high-quality Italian, American, Turkish and Chinese food simultaneously.
How to weigh yourself then take your bathroom scales to a remote forest and bury them where they will never be found
STEPPED on the bathroom scales, then managed to glimpse their evil numbers over your gut? Here’s what to do next.
I own everything with my face on, and four other laws the Queen pushed through
THE Queen is strictly neutral on all matters political, except for when she chooses not to be. Here are five of the thousand laws Her Majesty has vetted for parliament.
Why we had to back Brexit: a Leave voter remembers the nightmare dystopia of 2016
FOOD shortages, a 68 per cent fall in exports, and the collapse of businesses across Britain. But however bad Brexit may seem, the alternative was worse.
Beautiful dusting of white snow the last thing we f**king need
A MAGICAL snowfall which has made the whole of Britain look fresh and new is the final f**king straw, residents have confirmed.
Six things more painful than childbirth, by a man
IT'S easy to scream about the agony of pushing a human through a small orifice, but according to lifelong man Tom Logan it’s nothing compared to what men suffer. He explains:
Garden birdwatching and other parent-child activities parents will finish alone
YOU’VE got the children: everyone else has got ludicrous ideas about entertaining them. Here are a few activities your kids will abandon well before the end.
Woman who took quick glance at Instagram looks up and five years have passed
A WOMAN who had a quick one-second peek of Instagram has looked up to find five years of her life have disappeared.
Five things that should ruin the Tories but never do
TORIES ahead in the polls again, despite everything, just like in the 80s, most of the 90s and the last decade? It’s because they shrug all this off.
Six Nations fans forced to piss in pint glasses over Zoom
THE pandemic has left Rugby Union supporters with no option but to be unbearable twats in the safety of their own homes.
The five topics it’s safe to talk about with your parents
DO conversations with your parents always veer off into heated, toxic confrontations? Keep chats upbeat with these topics it's safe to discuss.
The vegan’s guide to totally ruining your next meal
THE abundance of vegan food options now available means that removing the deliciousness of meat is just the start of ruining a meal. Here are some ideas.
Man can detect partner’s mood from 3.6 miles away
A MAN who has arrived within a 3.6 mile radius of his house instantly knows that his partner is in a foul mood.
Man gets into DIY just to wear tool belt and feel like Batman
A MAN'S tool purchases were made in the pretence of doing DIY when he really plans to wear a tool belt like Batman.
Goldfish and four other completely shit pets
OWNING a pet can be a loving, fulfilling experience that lasts for years, unless you choose from one of these utterly shit pets.
Woman desperate to be Angel from Escape to the Chateau
A WOMAN has decided she has had enough of her own life and would like to be Angel from Escape to the Chateau instead.
Five household items you could have sex with at a push
AFTER almost a year of no human contact, which household items are starting to lead you on for a steamy night of consensual passion?
