Brexit marchers demand emergency airdrop from EU
HUNGRY, exhausted Brexit marchers have demanded an emergency airdrop of food, shoes and clothing from the EU if they are to continue.
Parents watch three-hour dance show for 98 seconds of their child
A GROUP of parents has each watched a three-hour long dance show in order to witness 98 seconds of their child performing.
Racists upset by nasty tolerant people
EVERYONE is being really nasty to racists at the moment and should be more bigoted, racists believe.
Man guarantees sex will never happen again by calling it ‘totes amazeballs’
A MAN has guaranteed that sex is over forever by describing his latest experience as 'totes amazeballs'.
‘Cocaine’s great’ says man with no concept of future beyond next three minutes
A MAN who has just snorted a line of cocaine has confirmed that the drug is ‘fucking brilliant’ and that tomorrow can look after itself.
Facebook nutter includes workplace in his profile
A FACEBOOK lunatic is happy for everyone to know where he works, it has emerged.
Non-driver slams passenger door so hard it destroys car
A NON-DRIVER has slammed the passenger door of their friend’s car so hard that the car has been written off.
Magazine in doctor’s waiting room speaks of simpler time
A MAGAZINE in a doctor's waiting room has taken its reader back to happier times before Brexit, vape juice and compulsory recycling.
How to exercise when you f**king hate exercise
EXERCISE is hell, but a growing body of medical opinion links not exercising with getting so fat you die.
Cartoon baker sure pie cooling on windowsill will be fine
A CARTOON baker is confident that nothing will happen to the freshly-baked pie he has placed by an open window to cool.
How’s that Brexit street party going?
IF you’re a Brexiter, don’t let Brexit being delayed and turning into a total shambles stop you having a fantastic street party. Here’s how to plan an unforgettable event.
Token vegan item on pub menu made with actual cardboard
A GASTROPUB has given up on making its vegan food taste good and is using cardboard instead, with no effect on sales.
Woman incapable of drinking entire mug of tea
A WOMAN who appears normal in every other respect is unable to drink more than two-thirds of a mug of tea.
I’m not even dipping a toe in that f**king mess, says Queen
THE Queen has responded to Brexiter calls to dissolve parliament by clarifying she is going nowhere near that shitstorm.
How to humiliate yourself trying to pull someone out of your league
ARE you wrongly convinced you can woo that really attractive friend or person at work? Here’s how to embarrass yourself horribly.
Dog horrified to see his turd on Facebook
A GERMAN shepherd was shocked to see the massive shit he did on his morning walk plastered all over the local Facebook community page.
Are you clinging to your job by a thread?
JOBS. We all need them, but some of us are shit at them and may be politely told to fuck off. Take our quiz and find out if your job is hanging by a thread.
Cyclist shaves three seconds off telling-people-he’s-a-cyclist time
A CYCLIST has set a new personal best in how quickly he can tell someone he is into cycling even though they are not interested.
How about we make March 29th the day you piss off? Britain tells May
THE UK has suggested to Theresa May that if she still wants to make March 29th special it could be the day she finally fucks off.
Middle class couple upset sending kids to private school has made them ‘poor’
A COUPLE who spend thousands of pounds a year on their children’s school fees are sad they are too poor to go skiing this year.
