Dads call for insulting birthday cards to be classed as hate speech
FATHERS have called for birthday cards that stereotype them as lazy, useless drunks to be classified as hate speech.
A WOMAN has found herself physically incapable of stepping out of her warm shower and into the unpleasantly cold atmosphere of her bathroom.
CITY dwellers who relocated to the countryside for a quieter life find their friendly, helpful village neighbours an absolute pain in the backside.
THERE are only 12 public figures you know left after this week’s flurry of celebrity deaths, it has been confirmed.
MANY activities you do now would have made you a social pariah in your parents’ day, especially in middle-age. So cherish your freedom to do these pretty mundane things.
A DEVIOUS man has yet again told a friend he will watch a TV series they recommended despite having no intention of doing so.
INCOMPATIBLE couples across the UK are feeling the pressure as the window of opportunity to break up before Christmas closes.
PEOPLE with access to Google have confirmed they would never have discovered the names of the royals accused of racism without Piers Morgan’s help.
IN a jam and going nowhere fast? Here are five irrational acts that will have absolutely no f**king effect on your traffic situation.
IT’S the 40th anniversary of the Now That’s What I Call Music! compilations. Here are some tracks you’ll never forget, much as you’d like to, because fast-forwarding them was such a pain in the arse.
Politics
THE Suella Braverman of Sept 2022-Nov 2023 was ‘a slap in the face’ for voters, Suella Braverman has insisted.
THE Conservative party actually believes that you are overwhelmed by their generosity in yesterday’s budget.
BRITAIN has agreed that between inflation, rent, mortgage rates and taxes, National Insurance was definitely the problem in need of urgent attention.
THE Conservative party has apologised for losing the house in a series of ill-advised bets by presenting Britain with a bunch of flowers from the all-night garage.
TOMORROW’S budget statement is rumoured to contain tax cuts, but will they save you money or are they politicised bullshit? A group of twats give their views.
THE chancellor has announced he will personally execute the 2.6 million people on long-term sickness benefits to reduce welfare spending.
Society
YOU’RE nostalgic for MacGyver and Eurythmics, so when Gen Z reminisces about The Hunger Games and The X Factor, it makes you feel like a wizened elder. Here’s what they’re looking back on.
A CONTRARIAN bigot is predictably asking why there is a Black Friday but no White Friday.
A WOMAN has demanded the traffic warden writing her a parking ticket explain why he thinks it is okay to treat her like this.
A YOUNG cow has been excited to learn she will one day become a trench coat worn by a goth, it has emerged.
AS the misery of autumn gives way to the desolation of winter, there are plenty of awful days out to be endured. Including these ordeals.
ALL men are secretly wearing a nice warm pair of leggings beneath their jeans, it has been confirmed.
Lifestyle
A FAMILY’S Christmas lights switch-on has been performed by a father who has been up and down ladders untangling this shit all f**king day.
A TERRIFYING church with a flat roof is frequented by worshippers who look like they would shank you just to get a quid for the collection plate.
A COUPLE who paid hundreds of pounds for a photoshoot of their newborn are oblivious to the fact that it could be anyone’s baby.
YOUR daughter has finally deigned to come home for the weekend, only to act too good for spaghetti hoops in front of The Chase. Here’s how to impress her.
THE man-bun is now the most popular hairstyle choice for desperate men who are fighting a losing battle with baldness.
MET someone you sort of know while wearing a scrap of wet lycra and nothing else? You’ll hate seeing them in these other places too.
Sport
FANS of Premier League clubs have agreed that if Manchester City win today’s match against Liverpool they may as well just call the whole season for them.
AN Everton fan has said the Premier League can deduct ten points but cannot take away the memories of his club's incredible last few years.
FOOTBALL fans have suggested that, since Saudi Arabia is going to host the World Cup in 2034, why not let the murdering pricks win the f**ker as well.
A COUNTRY beset by horrifying news on every front is trying to wrap itself in the warm glow of Manchester United being beaten three-nil by City.
A FEMALE football fan has openly poured scorn on women’s football in a manner that is extremely offensive to women.
THE England team are in a World Cup semi-final, but sadly only in the game of rugby.
Science & Technology
A DAD has left his phone torch on again, it has been confirmed.
A MAN has admitted he has no passwords left in him after years of using the internet.
CHECKING online reviews is a minefield of idiots, pricks with a vendetta, and people who are incapable of spelling anything longer than two letters. Like these.
ALL attendees at a computer literacy class for the over-70s are learning to use the internet so they can share their prejudices with the world.
EXPERTS agree with your mum that jabbing the screen with a single finger is the most effective method of text messaging.
A TEENAGE boy believes he is the coolest person in his university halls thanks to his arsenal of outdated digital downloads.
Arts & Entertainment
AS a kid you loved Doctor Who no matter how shoddy and repetitive it was. But in our age of big-budget streaming shows, viewers would struggle to believe these were real episodes on actual TV.
NETFLIX has announced plans to autoplay the next episode of every show before the current one has finished in a bid to keep viewers binge-watching.
AN unearthed interview seems to confirm that Banksy is Bristol-based artist Robin Gunningham. But if you’re got one of his undemanding artworks on your wall, what does it mean?
BRITAIN'S dads will be gathering silently in their cars and switching on their headlights in honour of Top Gear, they have confirmed.
AN upcoming Bushtucker trial will force Nigel Farage to endure confinement in a free-movement agreement between 27 Eurozone countries.
THE Outkast star is back with a head-scratching 90-minute instrumental woodwind album. Here are some other artists who have returned with truly dreadful music.
Business
A SUCCESSFUL entrepreneur has confessed that she neither has a working-class background or is prepared to make one up.
WANDERED into a curious little shop only to realise it sells nothing worth buying, you’re alone and the proprietor is staring at you? Here’s how to politely free yourself.
THE government has confirmed that it will make it impossible to travel between the north and south of the UK by totally f**king up the railways.
THE proprietor of a struggling American candy business only wishes money-laundering criminal syndicates were interested in his business.
WHEN staying alone in a hotel, a man powering through a five-figure deal must seize the opportunity for the breakfast of champions. Coco Pops.
A THIRD of 18 to 34-year-olds have been inappropriately texted by staff at takeaways or delivering parcels. Here’s a handy checklist to read before sending customers a picture of your cock.
Work
EMPLOYERS have confirmed they only consider giving the top roles to candidates with top grades in their religious studies GCSEs.
A WOMAN who has been absent on medical leave has return to the office with, to her co-workers’ surprise, significantly larger breasts.
HUMAN resources want to fully exploit their humans as a resource and for them to be happy about it. These are the contradictory messages you will get this week.
BEING told off in a constructive and professional manner by a manager who only wants to help is far worse than a red-faced bollocking, workers have agreed.
A CORPORATE worker is beginning to realise that her lanyard wields no power in the outside world.
A WOMAN has asked her middle-aged son if he has considered becoming a barrister, with cancer research scientist or Oxford professor as back-up options.
Alcohol
DONCASTER is marking the 20th anniversary of wine being introduced to the city’s pubs, shops and supermarkets.
BRITISH women have triumphed against their gutless continental counterparts in the global race to be the best binge-drinkers.
A WOMAN who drank two bottles of red wine last night is determined to share her pain with everyone around her, it has emerged.
EVERYONE likes to slurp up a shot of tequila from a stripper’s belly button, but did you know you’ve been doing it wrong your whole life?
A GUEST from the US is enjoying a British celebration of Halloween without all the sobriety and costumed nonsense he’s used to.
GETTING pissed in the pub is beginner shit. Advanced drinkers should head to these places where it's weird to get half-cut, but still possible.
