The ‘Have a Wank’ guide to a good night’s sleep
TROUBLE sleeping? We consulted doctors, psychotherapists, stress experts and your partner to find one simple solution stated in five different ways.
Scientists pledge to deliver zombie apocalypse by March 29th
SCIENTISTS have vowed to 'step up' amid harsh criticism over their complete failure to bring about a zombie apocalypse.
The white person’s guide to pretending you’re a victim of racism
ARE you a right-wing bellend who thinks racism against white people is a genuine problem? Here’s how to enjoy a pleasing sense of victimhood.
Cats to be main food providers post-Brexit
DOMESTIC cats are set to provide over 50 per cent of British meals in the event of a no-deal Brexit.
How to survive the dreaded ‘hangxiety’
DID you drink so much last night you feel like you’re going to drown in a black swamp of alcohol-induced guilt and shame? Here’s how to get through it.
Me not getting what I want is a f**king emergency, says Trump
PRESIDENT Trump has announced that any situation where he does not get what he wants immediately is a national emergency.
Tall man thinks it’s an achievement
A TALL man behaves as if his above-average height is some sort of achievement, people have noticed.
Five things to do on your commute as well as having murderous fantasies
COULD the time you spend travelling to work be used for something more productive than sitting in silent, festering rage like a serial killer? Here are some suggestions.
Woman with immaculately clean house has car like a shit tip
A WOMAN who keeps her house clean and tidy has a car like a dustbin, it has emerged.
Man updating Tinder photo to brand new one from five years ago
A MAN who has decided his dating profile picture is out of date is replacing it with one from five years ago rather than 10.
Man believes cheap flowers will lead to sex
A MAN wrongly believes a manky bunch of supermarket flowers will lead to a thrilling sexual experience.
Dicking around with musical instruments ‘most annoying sound in world’
SOMEONE tinkering with a musical instrument but not actually playing it is the most annoying sound known to humans, research has confirmed.
How will your Valentine’s Day turn out to be shit?
YES, it’s that time of year when society decides you should be unrealistically loved-up. So how is Valentine’s Day not living up to expectations for you?
Food stuffed in your face while cooking still counts, say experts
FOOD consumed while you are cooking still counts as food, nutritionists have claimed.
How to save money by dumping your partner now then getting back together on February 15
IF YOU’RE in a relationship, you had probably resigned yourself to a financial outlay of between £5 and £48.99 on cards, gifts and a possible meal at Bella Pasta.
Police dog wants job that isn’t just biting people
A POLICE dog would prefer a job that isn’t basically just attacking people, he has confirmed.
The Brexiter’s guide to why recessions are brilliant
WITH the economy contracting partly due to Brexit, it is vital for Brexiters to pretend this is a good thing Here diehard Leaver Roy Hobbs explains the many upsides.
Man relives most terrifying experience of his life after losing phone for 35 seconds
A MAN who could not find his mobile phone for a harrowing less than a minute has described his ordeal for the first time.
Woman finds cystitis is welcome distraction from Brexit
A WOMAN is finding her latest bout of cystitis is a welcome distraction from Brexit.
Terrifying countdown to f**k-all continues
WITH only 44 days left until an Article 50 extension is forced by parliament, the EU, Theresa May or all three, the public cannot stop watching the countdown.
