Woman on payday acting like eccentric heiress
A WOMAN who has just been paid is acting like an eccentric heiress from the 1920s, it has emerged.
Henry Hoover voted Remain
HENRY Hoover is a proud Remainer who will fight for a second vote for the people of Britain, manufacturers have confirmed.
Child sent home from Steiner school for having normal haircut
A PUPIL has been sent home from a Steiner school after turning up with a relatively normal haircut.
The scientifically illiterate person’s guide to flu
WITH the flu season upon us it’s important to be prepared with plenty of unscientific advice. Here’s the sort of rubbish your mum comes out with.
Do you want everything to go back to the 1950s, or why the f**k not?
POSH accents on the television, policemen greeting you by name and a cheery tip of the helmet, lovely days out in the Morris Traveller. But do you want Britain to return to its 1950s glory days, or are you some kind of bastard?
Man who saw speck of snow buys 23 pints of milk just in case
A MAN who saw what he believed to be a snowflake has started stockpiling food as if he lives in the Antarctic rather than Chelmsford.
The hater’s guide to London
DO you fucking hate London for various bizarre and uninformed reasons? Here’s what those la-di-da shitponces are really like.
Self-employed make annual choice between tax return and faking own death
BRITAIN’S self-employed workers are facing the annual choice of completing a tax return or concocting an elaborate scam to fake their own death.
Philip asks Queen to take the points for him
PRINCE Philip has been trying to get his wife take the points for him, it has emerged.
If anyone else acted like that I’d just call them a dick, admits mother of small child
A WOMAN whose toddler threw his breakfast at the cat is struggling to tell him off in a constructive way.
Second referendum to ask ‘Do you want everything to be brilliant?’
A SECOND referendum will ask voters if they want everything to be brilliant from now on or if they are against that.
Man thinks everyone is genuinely interested in how much water he drinks
A MAN is convinced his newfound commitment to drinking lots of water is genuinely interesting to other people.
‘I’ll do whatever the f**k I want’, says 97-year-old who can do whatever the f**k he wants
A 97-YEAR-OLD who can do whatever he fucking feels like has confirmed his intention to do exactly that.
Teddy bears have left children unprepared for actual bears, say experts
CUDDLY toy bears are giving children dangerous misapprehensions about how to approach actual bears, experts believe.
Have you joined a UFO death cult or have you joined the Lib Dems? Take the test…
Who is your leader? A. An ancient, reincarnated demi-God who will lead us to Eternia where we will live in intergalactic glory forever.
Woman loses argument with her dog
A WOMAN has lost an argument with her own dog about whether he deserved to be fed again.
May asks for same changes to same plan so same MPs can vote same way
THERESA May has confirmed that she will take the same plan back to Brussels to ask for the same changes before the same MPs vote on it the same way.
Woman watching BBC version of Les Mis adding songs in herself
A WOMAN watching the desperately bleak version of Les Miserables sings the songs from the musical to make it bearable.
Five new dating trends to make you think ‘F**k it, I’ll stay single’
ARE you new to the dating scene? Here are some freakish dating behaviours you’ll encounter in our weird modern world.
Middle class man hires working class man to build snowman
A MIDDLE-CLASS man has hired a working class tradesman to build a snowman in the back garden with his beloved children.
