Business

Your guide to giving a bullshit business presentation

CALLED upon to give a presentation at work? Here’s how to hit the right note of business bullshit to drive the company drones wild.

Debenhams closure may leave airports only place men can try on aftershave

THE threatened closure of Debenhams would leave men only able to find out which aftershave they prefer at airports.

Use our shitty website which doesn't work to save us money, says train company

A TRAIN company is sick of passengers wanting it to employ real people when they could just go on its completely useless website.

Depressed high streets merger creates 'charity vape betting shops'

A MERGER of crap businesses on Britain’s failing high streets has created the brand-new ‘charity vape betting shop’.

Are you the irritating new keen person?

HAVE you just started a new job and are getting on everyone’s tits with your unquenchable enthusiasm for every aspect of it?

High-achieving woman has strict morning routine and shitloads of money

A WOMAN who credits her success to her disciplined morning routine somehow neglects to mention the fact she inherited £3.2m aged 21.

Hip young entrepreneur opens trendy cafe in town that only eats pies

A YOUNG businessman is convinced his fashionable eatery in an unadventurous Northern town will start making money soon.

I regret to inform British businesses that it is necessary for us to go mad

AS BUSINESS secretary of the current Conservative government, I have made assurances to companies operating within the UK that we will operate in their best interests.

Ryanair 'a totally acceptable casualty of Brexit'

MOST people would be prepared to live in abject poverty if it was guaranteed that Ryanair would go down with them, it has emerged.

Man's focus in life narrows to being in for a delivery

A MAN has given up on his job, his relationships and his family ensure he is in when a package arrives at his house.

Supermarkets just f**king dying to put the Easter Eggs out

BRITAIN’S supermarket chains have confirmed they are just fucking itching to start putting Easter eggs out.  

Middle class man hires working class man to build snowman

A MIDDLE-CLASS man has hired a working class tradesman to build a snowman in the back garden with his beloved children.