Business

The Brexiter's guide to products made by traitors

ANY business opposing a no-deal Brexit is committing treason and everything they make should be boycotted and burned. Here’s a list of today’s un-products:

Wetherspoons to replace foreign beers with bags of glue

JD Wetherspoons has confirmed that it will be removing all foreign drinks from its pubs and replacing them with proper British bags of sniffing glue.

The moron's guide to using self-service checkouts

SCANNING your own shopping provides excellent opportunities for annoying other customers. Here’s how to make everyone behind you want to ram a courgette up your a*se.

Rural pub adds second wine

A RURAL pub has doubled its wine list by adding a second option.

Brexit to revive struggling Readers' Wives industry

A HARD Brexit would give the UK’s struggling Readers’ Wives industry the shot in the arm it needs to survive, experts believe.

Now the recycling man won't know how much wine you drink, says Waitrose

WAITROSE has launched a new bring-your-own-container policy so the neighbours and binmen will never know how much you drink.

Mechanic wasn't going to rip man off until he opened his mouth

A MECHANIC was genuinely going to charge a fair price to fix a car until its owner provoked him by saying something.

Cockney economists confirm national debt is 353 billion monkeys

EAST End economists have warned that the UK’s debt stands at 353bn monkeys, or 176.5bn bags of sand.

Quirky start-up is based in normal office and pays its staff with money

A START-UP company is based in a normal office instead of a giant playground and is paying people a fair wage instead of free kombucha.

Your guide to giving a bullshit business presentation

CALLED upon to give a presentation at work? Here’s how to hit the right note of business bullshit to drive the company drones wild.

Debenhams closure may leave airports only place men can try on aftershave

THE threatened closure of Debenhams would leave men only able to find out which aftershave they prefer at airports.

Use our shitty website which doesn't work to save us money, says train company

A TRAIN company is sick of passengers wanting it to employ real people when they could just go on its completely useless website.