Successful person admits lack of working-class backstory

A SUCCESSFUL entrepreneur has confessed that she neither has a working-class background or is prepared to make one up.

How to escape from a crappy little gift shop selling overpriced shite without buying anything

WANDERED into a curious little shop only to realise it sells nothing worth buying, you’re alone and the proprietor is staring at you? Here’s how to politely free yourself.

Government aiming to end north-south travel by 2025 by renewing Avanti's rail contract

THE government has confirmed that it will make it impossible to travel between the north and south of the UK by totally f**king up the railways.

Failing American candy shop wishes it was money-laundering front

THE proprietor of a struggling American candy business only wishes money-laundering criminal syndicates were interested in his business.

'I am a successful businessman staying in a five-star hotel, and I'm f**king having Coco Pops for breakfast'

WHEN staying alone in a hotel, a man powering through a five-figure deal must seize the opportunity for the breakfast of champions. Coco Pops.

Should you sext someone who just wanted a ham and mushroom pizza? A guide for arseholes

A THIRD of 18 to 34-year-olds have been inappropriately texted by staff at takeaways or delivering parcels. Here’s a handy checklist to read before sending customers a picture of your cock.

How to completely f**k up a company's branding. By Elon Musk

GOT a website with internationally-known and instantly recognisable branding? Here visionary tech bro Elon Musk explains how to f**k it up for no reason.

NatWest profits soar after kicking Farage out

THE NatWest bank has posted profits of £3.6 billion as a direct result of closing Nigel Farage’s account.

Reason you're poor reports record profits

BRITISH Gas’s record profits make total sense because they are the reason you and others can barely afford food.

We were fully aware we were being ripped off for petrol, say motorists

THE Competition and Markets Authority has informed motorists who spent a year being grossly overcharged for petrol that it happened.