Should you sext someone who just wanted a ham and mushroom pizza? A guide for arseholes

A THIRD of 18 to 34-year-olds have been inappropriately texted by staff at takeaways or delivering parcels. Here’s a handy checklist to read before sending customers a picture of your cock.

How to completely f**k up a company's branding. By Elon Musk

GOT a website with internationally-known and instantly recognisable branding? Here visionary tech bro Elon Musk explains how to f**k it up for no reason.

NatWest profits soar after kicking Farage out

THE NatWest bank has posted profits of £3.6 billion as a direct result of closing Nigel Farage’s account.

Reason you're poor reports record profits

BRITISH Gas’s record profits make total sense because they are the reason you and others can barely afford food.

We were fully aware we were being ripped off for petrol, say motorists

THE Competition and Markets Authority has informed motorists who spent a year being grossly overcharged for petrol that it happened.

Mark Zuckerberg to gut Elon Musk and wear him as a skin suit

AN upcoming cage match between Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk will end in one of the more horrible deaths ever streamed on Facebook.

Eight corporate jobs they also have in hell

THE office is already hell if it’s not air-conditioned, but which of your colleagues are earmarked for plum jobs in the pit of the damned?

Poor Amazon stands in front of UK taxpayers with turned-out pockets and cap in hand

THE poverty-stricken multinational corporation Amazon once again stands before taxpayers barefoot and in rags, begging for a handout.

Can I still make people homeless if they look at me funny? Your landlord questions answered

NEW legislation threatens to stop landlords running a five-bed in Willesden as if it were North Korea and they Kim Jong-un. Here we answer your landlord queries.

Pigs forced to change name and appearance by Percy Pigs

THE animals formerly known as pigs have been legally compelled to change their name and appearance by supreme litigators Percy Pigs.