AS BUSINESS secretary of the current Conservative government, I have made assurances to companies operating within the UK that we will operate in their best interests.
MOST people would be prepared to live in abject poverty if it was guaranteed that Ryanair would go down with them, it has emerged.
A MAN has given up on his job, his relationships and his family ensure he is in when a package arrives at his house.
BRITAIN’S supermarket chains have confirmed they are just fucking itching to start putting Easter eggs out.
A MIDDLE-CLASS man has hired a working class tradesman to build a snowman in the back garden with his beloved children.
A RAZOR blade company has expressed surprise that its latest advert has pissed off a lot of dickheads.
A WOMAN is pretending to be browsing the floors of a department store while actually plotting a course for their toilets, she has confessed.
YOUR 91-year-old grandmother is surprised to have remained vital for longer than the £20 HMV voucher she bought you for Christmas, she has admitted.
BRITAIN'S workers have returned to staring purposefully at their screens for eight hours.