NatWest profits soar after kicking Farage out

THE NatWest bank has posted profits of £3.6 billion as a direct result of closing Nigel Farage’s account.

Following the closure of the GB News presenter’s account at subsidiary Coutts, the bank has reported that profits have rocketed and there is an unarguable correlation between the two.

A spokesman, who will be the subject of a Daily Telegraph campaign for his dismissal later today, said: “While Farage was a customer, profits were in the shitter. Now they’re massive.

“There’s no way this was a coincidence. That account was a black hole of profitability. It exerted a negative force on everything around it. Interest rates shrank in its malevolent, bigoted presence.

“Now it’s gone, it’s like the sun came out. Dividends are rolling in. Investments are paying off. When we refuse an overdraft or a mortgage, customers just say, ‘That’s fine if it’s a hassle for that UKIP twat to find a cashpoint.’

“It’s almost as if Farage is a curse who brings anything connected with him crashing downward into total failure. Britain, for example.”

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12 romantic strategies to win the heart of someone who's not interested

CARRYING a torch for someone who’s failing to reciprocate in any way? Here’s how to ignore common sense and hope they’ll come round to the idea of shagging you.

Be really nice

Constantly be nice to them with friendly, sympathetic chats, and prove how nice you are in life in general. What woman hasn’t thought: ‘I must have sex in a variety of positions with Steve. He’s nice. Like a Care Bear.’

Feign interest in things they like

Some people move to a different continent to be with their partner. Some are prepared to die to protect them from harm. You’ve watched Pretty In Pink 14 times. Your love runs deepest.

Get roped into pain-in-the-arse favours

Volunteer for some massive project like helping them move flat that an actual removals guy would charge £250 for. Then discover they have far more stuff than you realised and their furniture is really heavy. Once the job is complete, pathetically shrug off their thanks by saying ‘No problem!’ when ‘I think it’s at least worth a handjob’ would be nearer the f**king mark.

Thoughtful purchases

Just minor, considerate things, like a pocket address book because they keep meaning to buy one but forgetting. And if you get a shag as a result, do email The Guinness Book of Records, because you’ll be the first person it’s ever worked for.

Don’t think about them having sex with other people

This is an utterly sickening thought, so you need to completely blot it out the moment you start thinking of them sexily taking their top off with someone else. Train your brain to immediately focus solely on dividing 304,297,812 by 19.4. If you’re shit at maths, cut off a finger.

Don’t knock the Friend Zone

The Friend Zone gets a bad rap, but there are worse places, like the Democratic Republic of Congo. Also if you’re in the Friend Zone that means you’ve got at least one friend, which is more than some people. It’s just that, unlike most friends, your friend makes you cry all the time.

Cock or vagina-block

Sabotage conversations with rivals by annoyingly distracting your crush or literally standing in their way. Sure, the interloper is pals with your true love’s best mate, but once you’ve cock-blocked them there’s no way they’ll be able to make contact in the era of texts and social media.

Unconditional loyalty 

Get on their good side by always assuring them they’re right about things when the evidence suggests they’re bang out of order. As they lurch from one personal disaster to another, be a shoulder to (literally) cry on so you get the double misery of listening to their tedious problems and close physical contact of entirely the wrong sort.

Embarrassing gifts

Giving someone you’re not actually going out with expensive gifts is extremely creepy, but socially dysfunctional weirdos always seem to suffer from unrequited love so you’re probably browsing the jeweller’s already. If nothing else you’ll have a nice long conversation with your sweetheart as they literally beg you take back a £400 watch they don’t even like.

Get used to not enjoying going to the pub

You can’t not go the pub with them because you’re committed to trotting after them like a puppy all the time. But once there spend it being totally paranoid they’re about to get pissed and cop off with someone else. If you feel as relaxed as a Ukrainian guard dog looking out for Russian commandos in an ammunition dump, this is definitely love.

Woo them with a sky banner

Your love cannot fail to be impressed by a plane trailing a banner saying ‘X, will you go out with me?’ Fail to realise that people who spend £900 on sky banners have usually been living with their partner for years and are just sealing the deal with a proposal of marriage so their kid will no longer be a bastard.

Firmly reject all other offers

Do not go out with any fond, attractive, available persons. Your true love who doesn’t fancy you and has a mild interest in you being happy in life would clearly see that as an act of sickening betrayal.