ADVENTUROUS couple Jordan and Sophie Gardner, both 35, are out with 26-year-old Charlotte Phelps. But can this menage a trois even share dessert?
Jordan on Charlotte, and his wife
First impression?
Gorgeous face, smokeshow body, ten out of ten. Charlotte, that is. It’ll be a joy to see her going at the missus.
How was conversation?
Sadly there were a few instance where they talked over me and I had to reassert the ground rules. A threesome requires strong leadership, and blueberry flavoured lube.
Memorable moments?
When I caught the eye of a guy at another table who had a single tear running down his cheek at my sexual heroism, like something from Saving Private Ryan.
Favourite things about the girls?
In all I’d say tits: Sophie’s for size, but Charlotte’s are pert, full and jiggly.
A capsule description?
Living a dream I’ve had ever since I was a callow boy.
Was there a spark?
The girls seemed to get on really well, which was handy if ultimately unnecessary. I began to worry that by being charming, fun and undeniably attractive, Soph was making me look bad.
What happened afterwards?
After harsh words over the tiramisu – if they’d wanted one they should have ordered one – we went back to ours to play games and get to know each other better. F**king Sophie got out a psychology Q&A to get to the heart of Charlotte’s abandonment issues.
What would you change about the evening?
Less talk, more shagging. And I would’ve ordered something lighter than the shepherd’s pie.
Will you see each other again?
Sophie, yes, due to marriage. But we’d definitely like to see more of Charlotte. Wouldn’t we, Soph? I said, wouldn’t we?
Sophie on Jordan and Charlotte
First impression?
Charlotte’s so fresh and pretty, I’m sure I won’t get at all jealous seeing her shag my spouse. Where does she get her moisturiser from? Oh, that’s just youth.
How was conversation?
Good, if work-focused. I offered to look over her CV and sort her work experience in the banking sector, which with her skillset should position her for the graduate track. Also she has wonderful eyes.
Memorable moments?
Jordan had loads of tiramisu but refused to let either of us have more than the tiniest spoonful, even when we ate it sexily. He seems to think this is about him.
Favourite things about them?
Charlotte was kind enough to compliment my breasts and asked what my perfume was, describing it as ‘captivating’.
A capsule description?
I’m wondering if a throuple provides more opportunities for emotional connections, understanding and validation, though my husband wants to watch me lick minge.
Was there a spark?
Definitely between me and Charlotte. With Jordan… maybe about 10 years ago.
What happened afterwards?
I sent Charlotte’s CV through to my line manager and didn’t know how to describe our relationship in the email.
What would you change about the evening?
I would not be heterosexual, Jordan would not be there, and I also would be 26.
Will you see each other again?
Unfortunately I have promised god, the state and his mother that I will see Jordan again.
Charlotte on Sophie and Jordan
First impression?
An older couple bickering at a table before suddenly noticing me standing there and falling awkwardly silent. I’m not like when you get a dog to save your marriage, am I?
How was conversation?
Stilted once I realised I was basically entering myself into all the hell of long-term matrimony but with none of the tax benefits or grandmotherly approval.
Memorable moments?
When I also realised this also doubled the opportunities for rejection compared to a regular date.
Favourite things about them?
Sophie is warm, kind, inviting and soulful. I would kiss her. Jordan was acting like he was swaggering through the dreams of his Loughborough Lads WhatsApp group.
A capsule description?
A sticking plaster on a collapsing relationship that’ll hit the divorce court in ten. I think she knew I knew. I don’t think he has any idea.
Was there a spark?
It all seems pretty combustible.
What happened afterwards?
I’m pretty sure they’ve been talking about me for weeks, which on reflection has me totally paranoid. Wasn’t this meant to be hot, not anxiety inducing?
What would you change about the evening?
The couple element. Turns out if you’re looking for an emotional connection, a man being there doesn’t help.
Will you see each other again?
Sophie? Sure, why not? But leave the baggage at home.
