By Emma Buckley-Hough, curious about this new-fangled ‘electricity’ she’s heard about
IN my God-fearing lifestyle, extramarital sex condemns you to eternal damnation. And copulating with a beast is slightly frowned upon too. But the Bible has nothing to say about seven-inch silicone dildos or vibrating cock rings.
How could this be? If God is all-knowing, surely He foresaw a time when His children could order a lifelike phallus at 4pm and still benefit from next-day delivery? I reread Corinthians in case it was mentioned there, but I couldn’t find anything.
This creates a curious loophole. If strap-ons, butt plugs, love eggs and strokers do not go against the word of God, then does that mean I could use them in the bedroom? I asked my husband and he gave me an encouraging shrug of approval.
The thought of using a contraption during intercourse seemed bizarre to me. The only device I am familiar with is the oven, and rightly so. A G-spot stimulator surely is nothing like that? How would I get it up the stairs?
I needed guidance, so I turned to the most deviant person in my contact book. Susan may look like a faithful housewife, but she once kissed a boy out of wedlock when she was 16. If anyone knew about the kinky underworld of mechanical marital aids, it would be her.
Under the cover of darkness, I went over to look at the contents of her bedside table. Imagine my surprise when it didn’t contain a prayer book or rosary beads, but a plastic nine-inch male member with three pleasure settings.
‘Your husband doesn’t even have to use it on you,’ she whispered like the snake in the Garden of Eden. ‘Wait until he’s at work and you can sort yourself out.’ The next day I purchased my own because she selfishly wouldn’t let me have a go on hers.
When the diabolical truncheon arrived, a wave of guilt crashed over me. How could I betray my husband by sleeping with this rod of lust? The Bible may not say it’s ungodly, but I could sense the Devil’s evil in its juddering length. So I binned it.
Thankfully my love life has returned to normal. It was sinful of me to even consider using a sex toy. Making love in the dark until my husband is finished while I keep one foot on the floor is all the erotic excitement I need.
