IT is the fear we all share, pushing dying into second place – is everyone else having more sex than me? And do they know, and point, and laugh? 

Thankfully there are strict, inflexible guidelines outlining how much you should be getting it on according to your age demographic. Let us fill you in on how much you should be getting filled:

Teens to mid-20s: once a week

When you first start having sex, you might want to have it all the time, but it’s important to pace yourself. Have too much and you could end up disillusioned with dicks and fannies. Limit your dalliances to once a week, giving yourself ample time to contemplate art and mortality. Remember: most people regret having too much sex when they’re young.

Mid-20s to mid-30s: once a month

Now that your career is in full swing, sex should slip even lower down your list of priorities. Try to have it once a month, perhaps coinciding with another chore like ironing. Remember, frequent sex damages fertility and no mortgage advisor will approve a loan to lust-crazed lunatics, so try to radiate an air of chastity in your daily life.

Mid-30s to late 40s: daily

Now that you have responsibilities like caring for elderly parents and small children, ramp up your sex life hard. Your cardiovascular health has never been more important so if you aren’t rutting at least once a day you risk dropping dead of a heart attack. Also your kids will be moved to the bottom set at school if you don’t get into S&M.

50s and 60s: never

Retirement is imminent and your pension pot is smaller than it should be. It’s time to take on as much work as possible, especially hard, manual labour and night shifts. Sex is completely off-limits during these vital years, in which your only small pleasures should be seeing that your stock portfolio is doing well.

70s onwards: five times a day

Now you’re not working, it’s vital to stay sharp through rampant sexual intercourse in the most unusual positions possible. Keep your mind and body flexible with new positions, risky exhibitionist outdoor sex, and rubber. It may be difficult and you may not be in the mood, but you’ve earned it.