Politics

Priti Patel's guide to having people over

HELLO, it’s Priti Patel. When I'm not threatening asylum seekers and eroding human rights, I like to have guests over just as much as the next person. Here’s how to do it.

60-day masturbation ban to boost economy

THE government is considering imposing a 60-day masturbation ban across the UK to encourage everyone to spend money instead. 

Tories sure they won't regret whole day spent voting for evil

THE Conservatives are confident that an entire day spent voting to deprive the poor of food and money will not rebound on them in any way. 

Andy Burnham is the Northern Christ

ANDY Burnham is now the North’s Jesus and will be betrayed at a potato-pie supper before crucifixion on a bleak rainswept hill in Oldham.

'Smirk like nobody's watching': inspirational quotes from Priti Patel

TOUGH day making the hostile environment positively belligerent? Sick of leftie lawyers getting you down? These are the life mottos that I, home secretary Priti Patel, swear by.

Can everyone please focus on how we're f**king up Brexit?

YES, the pandemic is on everyone’s minds right now. But can we all stop debating tiers and lockdown and devote a moment to admiring how badly we’re f**king up Brexit?

The Brexiter's guide to pretending whatever deal Johnson gets is the exact deal you wanted

BORIS Johnson’s eventual deal with the EU is likely to be a huge disappointment to Leave voters who never knew what they wanted anyway. Tell yourself these lies:

Andy Burnham a bit worried about this red wedding invitation he's been sent

MANCHESTER mayor Andy Burnham has admitted being suspicious about a wedding invitation he has received which is unusually red.

Dominic Cummings' guide to not paying council tax like the little people

ARE you rich and powerful but still don’t want to pay for your bins to be collected? Here Dominic Cummings explains how to get out of it.

Friendship is at the heart of everything we do, says government giving out million-pound contracts to mates

MINISTERS who gave contracts for Covid work to close associates have defended themselves by saying they were only guilty of being great friends.

The Red Wall voters' guide to electing twats

ARE you a traditional Labour voter with a grievance about immigration? Here’s how to vote in a way you’ll come to regret.

Boris making own Bond film in bid to save cinemas

BORIS Johnson is making and starring in his own James Bond film to save Britain’s cinema industry.