Politics

Theresa May's guide to never answering a single f**king question

ARE people constantly asking you annoying, awkward questions? Here are my foolproof ways of never giving a straight answer.

Rees-Mogg calls for post-Brexit crackdown on urchins, ne’er-do-wells and strumpets

TORY MP Jacob Rees-Mogg has claimed Brexit Britain will be a ‘roaring success’ as long as the country ‘gives no quarter to assorted rapscallions’.

Miserable sods gutted by end of austerity

MISERABLE people who want everyone to be unhappy like them have begged Theresa May to carry on with austerity.

Shit dance totally works

A FUCKING awful dance has completely succeeded in distracting from the vapid reassurances and outright lies of Theresa May’s speech, Britain has confirmed.

May to bring out goat dressed as Boris Johnson then strangle it

THE prime minister is to enliven her speech by bringing out a goat dressed as Boris Johnson then strangling it. 

You do know we vote, say middle-class coke users

MIDDLE-CLASS cocaine users targeted by the government have politely reminded them that they vote in every election and usually swing Tory. 

Tory conference enters Guinness Book of Records for most bastards in one place

THE Conservative party conference has won a place in The Guinness Book of Records for fitting the largest number of total bastards into one location.

Which of the Tories' big conference ideas are you?

THE Conservative party conference is here, and with it a whole load of incredibly shit ideas. But which of these panicked regurgitations of Thatcherism are you?