What you were doing vs. what Downing Street was doing last Christmas: A timeline

LAST Christmas, while you stayed indoors, the Downing Street spads were having it large. Here’s what you did and they did laid out in a simple timeline: 

Priti Patel's lifetime of being disinvited to things

BEING disinvited by France is the latest in a long line of snubs for Priti Patel. Here is everything the Home Secretary has been turned away from during her life so far.

Now is not the time for Priti Patel

THE public has united in the face of the Channel tragedy by agreeing that now is not the time for Priti Patel to be saying anything at all. 

How to wriggle out of criticism by calling it misogyny, by Nadine Dorries

I CAN get away with loads of stupid shit by calling any man who legitimately criticises me a misogynist. Here’s how I go about it:

'The prime minister is not on crystal meth, not confused about which country he lives in and was not in the rose garden with his cock out at 3am'

AFTER issuing a categorical denial that Boris Johnson is unwell and losing his grip, a Downing Street spokesman has issued a further, more specific denial.

It's only the racism keeping me voting Tory, admits 77-year-old

AN elderly woman who will lose her house under new plans for social care said she only  keeps voting Conservative because of their long-standing commitment to racism.

Poor people to stay poor: the new social care cap explained

CONFUSED by the changes to the social care cap? Find out how it will f**k you over with our guide.

Daddy Pig turns up to work pissed

POPULAR cartoon character Daddy Pig has arrived at work to give an important speech rambling and obviously drunk.

Nice broadcasting corporation you got there, shame if something were to happen to it. By Nadine Dorries

HEY, BBC. I like the broadcasting corporation you got there. David Attenborough. Nice. Real national treasure. Strictly Come Dancing. Light entertainment a country can really sink its teeth into. Like I say, nice.

Johnson restricts MPs' second jobs to Telegraph columnist, writing Shakespeare book or Mayor of London

THE prime minister has announced that the only jobs MPs will be allowed from now on are Telegraph columnist, writing books about Shakespeare or Mayor of London.