Government just can’t fathom why Scotland would want independence

Politics

Government just can't fathom why Scotland would want independence

THE Government admits it is struggling with the Scottish independence movement because it cannot think of a single reason why they might want it.

The Brexiter's guide to contradicting yourself

DO you worry that your arguments sometimes conflict with what you said moments earlier? Don’t worry - here Brexiter Martin Bishop explains how to hold two contradictory views.

Boris Johnson's first grovelling call to the White House: A transcript

THE prime minister will be wasting no time sucking up to newly sworn-in president Joe Biden. Here is a transcript of their first conversation today.

The Tories' foolproof guide to governing by headlines

DO you think Britain should be governed purely on the basis of what gets positive headlines? Here junior minister Denys Finch Hatton explains the government’s winning strategy.

Trump's TV tells him to shut the f**k up

THE television that President Trump has been shouting at for the last week has unexpectedly told him to shut the f**k up.

How to be an effective leader of the opposition, by Marcus Rashford

HI Keir. You’re an experienced politician and I’m a 23-year-old footballer, yet I’m much better than you at holding the government to account. Here are my tips on how it’s done.

Six normal activities that look absolutely ridiculous when Boris Johnson does them

BRITAIN’S prime minister not only looks a bumbling fool while attempting to lead the nation through crisis, but on all other occasions.

My ideal lockdown, by Priti Patel

IF I’ve got one complaint about lockdowns, it’s that they give people far too much personal freedom. My dream lockdown would be...

America takes lead from Britain in Dumbshit Olympics

AMERICA is once again leading Britain in the Dumbshit Olympic competition to decide the most idiotic country on the f**king Earth.

The moron's guide to not voting for idiots

ARE you the sort of dunce who votes for arseholes like Boris Johnson and Donald Trump? Here are some questions to ask yourself before voting for them next time.

Donald Trump's guide to winking at the camera

HI, I’m US president Donald Trump and I’m going to let you into a little secret - some of the things I say, I don’t really mean. Here’s how I do it.

Five Brexit benefits they're not telling you about

JUST six days into Brexit, and the many positives the left-wing media aren’t telling you about are blindingly obvious. Norman Steele talks you through them.