Politics

'F**king grasses will get theirs when I'm PM' vows Johnson

BORIS Johnson has promised a crackdown on grasses, rats and f*cking busybodies who stick their noses where they do not belong.

Johnson's 'charm' officially runs out

BORIS Johnson's comic persona is officially past its sell-by date, experts have confirmed.

Are you a member of the Conservative party or a Bond villain?

YOU’RE sitting alone, stroking a cat, plotting the destruction of Britain. But are you a member of the Conservative party or just a blameless Bond villain? Find out:

Which of these men will be Britain's last Tory prime minister?

THE dead wood – women, people of colour, wets, nutters – has been whittled away. But who will be the last ever Conservative in Downing Street?

The Tory ars*hole's guide to jogging

POLITICIAN? Looking to get news exposure but unwilling to answer questions? Go for a run the minute you see the cameras arrive, following these rules:

Weedy boys to team up against school bully

MICHAEL Gove and Rory Stewart are to stop being victims and show that big blonde bully what for, they have confirmed.

Tory candidates agree they've totally f*cked up Britain

THE Conservative leadership candidates are all agreed that Britain has been completely ruined by nine years of Conservative leadership.

Which lies are you willing to believe from Boris Johnson?

IS the Earth a cube? Does chutney cure herpes? Was The Phantom Menace a film-making triumph? How big a lie are you prepared to accept from our next prime minister?

Anxious nation cheered by Raab's dismal failure

BRITAIN is to start the weekend early in celebration of Dominic Raab’s pathetic failure.

Rory Stewart is 'active MI6 agent infiltrating extreme right-wing organisation'

RORY Stewart is an active MI6 agent currently in deep cover in an extreme right-wing group planning to devastate Britain, sources have revealed.

How to disguise dangerous incompetence as comical bumbling

ARE you a f*ck-up to your very core, like certain figures in the national spotlight presently, but keen to mask it as hapless buffoonery?

Corbyn secretly in love with Rory Stewart

JEREMY Corbyn has admitted to a huge 'man-crush' on Conservative leadership candidate Rory Stewart.