Boris Johnson leading the nation by f**king terrible example

THE prime minister is leading the nation by setting a f**king terrible example showing them what not to do, Downing Street has claimed.

Thanks for clapping me, says Johnson

THE prime minister has thanked Britain for clapping to show they do not blame him in the slightest for the current crisis.

Johnson promises to debag the coronavirus and throw it in the river Cam

BORIS Johnson has told Britain that he and his science chums will pull the coronavirus’s trousers down and throw it off the punt dock into the river Cam.

Oh shit, I might not be Churchill after all

I HAVE always been a great admirer of Winston Churchill. I wrote a biography of him. I have considered myself his modern equivalent. I may have been wrong.

Dominic Cummings's so-crazy-they-might-just-work ways to defeat the coronavirus

HI. I’m Dominic Cummings, government advisor, professional disrupter and radical anarcho-intellectual. Here’s how I intend to defeat the coronavirus.

Boris Johnson's latest half-arsed half-measures that will do f**k-all

THE prime minister has announced the UK’s latest half-arsed half-measures to stop the coronavirus spreading without really doing anything.

'Stop being so bloody wet': Boris Johnson's rules for the coronavirus crisis

AS prime minister, let me say I am bloody pissed off. This was meant to be my year. Here’s what you as Britons can do to not upset me further.

Why massive Tory spending is different to massive Labour spending, by a Tory

DURING the budget you may have noticed that Tory spending is fine but Labour's was not. Here Tory MP Denys Finch Hatton explains why.

Meet the government's crack anti-coronavirus team

IN a crisis it’s important to feel you can trust your leaders. But we live in Britain, so here are the chancers and idiots standing between the country and disaster.

Are you Priti Patel or Damien out of The Omen?

EVIL takes many forms, whether a child who is secretly the Antichrist or the MP for Witcham. Which are you?

The seven political disasters the Johnson baby and wedding will distract you from

BORIS Johnson’s opportune new baby and wedding have already covered up Priti Patel’s incompetence, but what else will they distract from?

Win a date with Priti Patel

WOULD you like to win a date with the UK’s popular home secretary Priti Patel? Enter our unique competition for charity by answering these Priti-related questions.