Politics

Six reality-denying reasons Brexit is going really well

IF you have a tenuous grasp of facts and reality then Brexit is going great guns. Here are six deluded reasons why we’re totally smashing the process of leaving the EU.

Your guide to Rishi Sunak's f**king confusing Job Support Scheme

RISHI Sunak has replaced furlough, which pays you for doing nothing, with the Job Support Scheme that pays you for doing less. But how does it work? 

Boris Johnson's guide to coping when your dream job goes to shit

HAS the dream job you spent your whole pathetic life angling for turned to shit? Here, speaking from experience, the prime minister tells you how to cope.

Priti Patel's neighbours gagging to report her

PRITI Patel’s neighbours are watching her house for any evidence of more than six people so they can immediately call the police, they have confirmed.

Labour unveils new slogan 'A non-dickhead option is now available'

THE Labour party is hoping to woo voters and force an early election with its new campaign slogan ‘A non-dickhead option is now available’.

Rees-Mogg 'would get his nuts kicked on a daily basis in real world'

IF Jacob Rees-Mogg was not an MP he would be subjected to daily assaults by his co-workers and random people, experts have confirmed.

Johnson vs Starmer: Who would win in a variety of combat situations?

JUST for fun, let’s imagine Boris Johnson and Keir Starmer could physically kick the shit out of each other instead of having increasingly irate exchanges at Prime Minister's Questions.

Boris Johnson's personal trainer's fitness diary

AS personal trainer to the prime minister, I’m painstakingly logging his journey from obesity to good health. Here’s the story so far: 

Child inspired by Boris Johnson to be a lying adulterer when he grows up

A SPEECH by Boris Johnson at a primary school has made a child want to follow in the footsteps of his new hero.

Boris Johnson holidaying in cottage and keeping mistress in tent

THE prime minister is holidaying in a remote cottage on the Scottish coast and keeping a mistress in a bell tent on the grounds.