Isn't it long past time vaginas were banned? By Sarah Vine

HARDWORKING, decent men like Boris Johnson are easy prey for any woman with a vagina, as Angela Rayner’s slutty behaviour has proved. A word of sisterly advice, Ang, you’re no Sharon Stone, Michael Douglas more like it.

Tories strangely less popular when media not fellating them 24/7

BORIS Johnson and Rishi Sunak’s plunging popularity could be the result of the media not endlessly sucking their dicks, experts have agreed.

Six government disasters that are entirely the fault of Angela Rayner's fanny

THIS government has lurched from crisis to crisis, all because they were distracted by red-headed Labour deputy leader Angela Rayner crossing her legs.

Co-worker leaves 'while you were out' turd on Jacob Rees-Mogg’s desk

A CIVIL service co-worker has visited Jacob Rees-Mogg’s desk while he was absent and left him a little message.

Tory MP 'not yet ready' to put down loveable bouncy Labrador that shits everywhere

A CONSERVATIVE MP has admitted he is delaying the inevitable trip to have Boris, his much-loved golden Labrador that shits everywhere, put down.

A day in the life of Jacob Rees-Mogg, Crusader for Truth

MY liege, and England’s Lord, Boris Johnson is besieged by moral and intellectual pygmies. I must don my ancestral armour and joust for his honour. Follow me!

Parliament to vote on whether the carping scum electorate should get the f**k over it

MPs will get a vote on Thursday to decide whether Boris Johnson did a bad thing or the UK public are being whiny little snowflakes about a cake and should get over it.

If you won't accept my apology for shagging your best friend and emptying the joint account that's on you, man explains

A HUSBAND has told his wife that once he has offered a sincere, full-throated apology for shagging her best mate and spending their savings, he has done all he can.

Rwanda plan is pretty Old Testament to be fair, Archbishop told

SHIPPING asylum seekers to Rwanda sounds just like God’s antics in the first half of the Bible, believers have told the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Britain can only remember seven Tory scandals at any one time

THE UK has realised that it can only hold seven ongoing Tory scandals in its mind at once, so is forgetting at least another seven.