Politics

What we weren't allowed as children: the privileged whines from leaders of all parties

RISHI Sunak wasn’t allowed Sky TV, so the leaders of all other parties have rushed to share their heartbreaking childhood deprivations to catch up. This is what they suffered.

Wanking through the hustings: your extremely limited choice of sexual fantasies this election

POLITICOPHILES looking to get an erotic charge from this election aren’t finding it easy. This is how they’re managing to edge through the debates.

All Tory promises are to fix something they f**ked

EVERY Conservative electoral promise is to fix something which was fine before they f**ked it up, it has emerged.

Fellate Paddington: How Sunak can claw back his patriotic credentials

SUNAK hates Britain and backed the Nazis during World War Two, most Britons now believe. This is what he must do to show he’s a hardcore flag-shagger.

We ask you: is it wrong to politicise Rishi Sunak f**king off D-Day veterans to be on telly?

THE prime minister chose not to disrespect ITV, our greatest terrestrial channel, by missing his interview with them. Are opponents wrong to make this a political issue?

Sorry, didn’t realise you were all a bunch of history nerds

THE prime minister has apologised for leaving the D-Day service early but he was unaware that you were all a lame bunch of history swots.

'Being fined for dangerously speeding on the motorway got your attention,' says triumphant Ed Davey

AFTER trying to make the electorate notice him with a series of entertaining japes, Sir Ed Davey has finally got the attention he craves by being fined for speeding.