Five desperate ways to still think Boris Johnson is doing his best

DOMINIC Cummings has damned Boris Johnson by saying tens of thousands of people needlessly died. If you’re a diehard Boris supporter, here’s how to pretend he’s still great.

Standing like a f**king weirdo: 15 to 20 other reasons Hancock should have been fired

NOT been paying attention to the news for the last few years? Here are all the reasons the health secretary should have been given the boot long ago.

Minding the till at a rural Spar, and six other jobs Boris Johnson is unfit for

ACCORDING to Dominic Cummings, Boris Johnson is not fit to be prime minister. Yes, and these other seven jobs: 

'Why are there still Muslims?' and other shit-thick Brexiter questions

LET'S face it, Brexiters often seemed confused about what they were voting for. Here are some questions puzzling them about post-Brexit Britain. 

Johnson brings forward wedding to this afternoon

BORIS Johnson has decided to bring forward his wedding to Carrie Symonds to two o’clock this afternoon, he has announced.

Don’t listen to my ex, he's crazy, says Johnson

BORIS Johnson has told the British public that his ex is a crazy bitch and they should not believe any of his made-up stories.

Everyone who's called Cummings a liar for years ready to believe every word

MILLIONS who hated lying bastard Dominic Cummings for years are ready to believe anything he says now he is slagging off Boris Johnson.

Government forgets to announce Covid hotspots, suspension of democracy, and oh yeah all drugs legal now

THE government has apologised for forgetting to announce eight variant Covid hotspots, that democracy is suspended and all drugs are legalised.

The Churchill of Playwrights: the first draft of Boris's Shakespeare biography

SHAKESPEARE. Bill Shakespeare. William Wordsworth Shakespeare. Am I at the wordcount yet? Blast. Have these chapter outlines and give me some money.

How to be vigilant when you're pissed, by Matt Hancock

AS the country reopens and venues are once again filled with young punters, I, Matt Hancock, have set out a guide to maintaining a high level of vigilance when you’re five pints deep.