'Thou shalt not be a snowflake' – The Ten Gammondments, as revealed unto a bloke called Roy

MY BROTHERS and their birds. God, by way of the Prophet Farage, has revealed unto me, Roy Hobbs, the rules by which we must live our lives.

'Asians all look the same,' says Tory MP indistinguishable from 300 colleagues

ONE of the hundreds of white suit-wearing male Conservative MPs in his 50s has admitted that to him all Asians look the same.

UK achieves herd immunity of tolerating bullshit

THE public has been exposed to so much bullshit over the last year that nobody is surprised or depressed by it anymore.

Dominic Raab's guide to words people don't understand

WORDS can be difficult, especially if you didn’t go to Cambridge like I did. Here’s my explanation of words people don’t understand, but I do.

Build back bollocks: Six other alliterative slogans the fat prick could have used

A BORED Boris Johnson told Britain to ‘build back beaver’ and ‘build back burger’ for shits and giggles yesterday. What else could the verbose bastard have said?

The Brexiter's guide to admitting you miss cheap migrant labour

DO you secretly regret your former zeal for kicking out all foreigners because you like petrol and ham? Here’s how to admit it without losing face.

Women can avoid attacks by rogue police officers by 'not existing', advises Met Police

THE Metropolitan Police have issued official advice today telling women the best way to avoid attacks by rogue police officers is by simply ceasing to exist.

Fuel crisis normal now

THE government has announced that fuel queues and shortages are now so normal they are no longer worth mentioning.

Petrol shortages, inflation and no deal with America: how to blame it all on Remainers

THE UK is out of fuel and faces a harsh winter and cancelled Christmas – all thanks to bloody Remainers. Here’s how to tell them.

Government outlines plans for army to take over entirely

THE government is to bring in the Army to deliver petrol, fix supply chains and take over all functions of government permanently.