Politics

EVERYONE is speculating about my plans as PM, but no one has guessed I intend to turn Britain into the nightmarish ‘grimdark’ world of Warhammer 40k. Here’s what to expect. 

REMEMBER June 2024? When Britain was a paradise? When taxes were low, public services thriving, the armed forces roaring with power?

AT lunchtime today, I will be made the leader of the Labour Party. Whoop-di-f**king-woo. Think I give a shit about that?

THE prime minister is genuinely touched that his colleagues wrote the most generic of messages in his leaving card, he has revealed.

AN astute voter in Clacton-on-Sea has a hunch that Count Binface might not actually be from the planet Sigma IX.

COUNT Binface is clearly the favourite to win the Clacton by-election. But it is impossible to rule out a surprise result with candidates of this calibre standing.