BEEN slapped with a speeding fine? Convinced this is one of those laws that doesn’t really count? Wriggle out of paying it with these clever excuses that will convince nobody:
‘There was a bird’
The speed camera must be mistaken. As a rule-abiding motorist you would never dream of bombing it down a dual carriageway at 100mph to a soundtrack of The Prodigy. Insist the officer check it again, and they’ll find that a pigeon in a rush to return to its nest is what set it off. If anything you should be compensated for the trauma of being wrongly accused.
‘I suffer from a mysterious medical complication’
Your obscure and un-Googleable syndrome causes your right foot to spasm and lock when you’re cruising along the A303 at 3pm on a Sunday. You would of course provide a doctor’s note but they’re still working on the condition’s Latin name. Don’t deprive this poor sufferer the money they need to find a cure.
‘F**king AI’
Artificial intelligence has ruined every facet of modern life, and your 2004 Fiat Panda is no exception. If the magistrate isn’t convinced, appeal to their emotions by pointing out that AI has deprived you of the fundamentally human joy of doing 64 in a 60 zone. Invite them to weep with you for the world we have lost, sold out to automatons.
‘I wasn’t technically on the road’
Due to judicious swerving, your car’s wheels were either airborne or skidding over a grass verge when you broke the speed limit, and therefore the laws of the road do not apply to you. You only answer to the demands of the local wildlife, who were so unfussed they scampered away in terror or politely expired. Declare yourself free to go before the police realise you’re not kidding.
‘I suffer from a condition known as speed blindness’
Being unaware of your speed despite the illuminated dial in front of you is actually a new form of neurodivergence you’ve diagnosed yourself with, and therefore fining you amounts to discrimination. Ask the police if they can really afford a public scandal, why they hate anyone different, and if they can move their car out of your way because you need to be in Ipswich in 25 minutes so you’ll have to really bomb it.
‘Yeah, my identity’s been stolen’
Identity theft is rife, and in this case they also took your car and you. Shoving you into the passenger seat, your sinister doppelgänger took the wheel, drove at 60 in a 40 zone, then fled the scene leaving no trace. Insist that the officer puts away their Fixed Penalty Notice and starts pursuing the real culprit over the hedgerow and into the woodland.
