Your astrological week ahead for January 3rd, with Psychic Bob

3rd January 2026

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Life is like a box of chocolates. Suffering from shrinkflation.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

“Yes, we have a copy of Fly-Fishing by JR Hartley, but penises are drawn on all the pictures and ‘is a twat’ is written under the author’s name. So priced as ‘slightly foxed’.”

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

What? There’s another 12 months of this shit now? Really? Do we have to?

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

So, going over last year’s horoscope results we got 22 right, 26 wrong, four too vague to say.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

“There are three of us in this marriage. Me, you and Alexa.” [Alexa overhears and plays the Imperial March from Star Wars totally unprompted]

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

For f**k’s sake, this year, try to have more confidence in the economy.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Of course the real punishment is the courtroom artist’s cruel sketch of you, not 22 years without parole.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

If you order a pot of English breakfast team, expect it to have some porridge in it.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

“I’ll put on a DVD, or as I call him David.”

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. That’s simply how a polycule works.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

“Left turn, Clyde!” [Chimp punches Clint Eastwood unconscious] [Eastwood’s rig, driverless, veers across four lanes of freeway and causes pile-up, 60 dead]

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

You judge how your year will go on how well the novelty New Year glasses in the shape of that year work. 2026 will be mediocre.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… those sickeningly offensive New Year fireworks

2nd January 2026

WAKING with a hangover that is literally headsplitting – a mixture of red, green and cerebral matter is trickling from a gash in my forehead – I apply a plaster and reflect on my New Year sermon.

I had chosen to address the timely theme of resolutions. Having already examined my own conscience and lifestyle and finding nothing that required remedying in myself, I turned my attention to my flock.

‘You people have got to pull your fucking socks up in 2026!’ I thundered from the pulpit, before proceeding to issue a list of resolutions by which they should abide.

‘First, the use of the so-called word “hollibobs”. I’ve warned you fuckers about this before but still I hear it, often followed by a chortle. This must stop.

‘Second – chortling! No more fucking chortling in 2026 to Marina Hyde, Have I Got News for You or whatever supposed satire it is. If you’re chortling, you’ve no fucking idea how deadly serious things are.

‘Three! Going on about how fucking great Nick Cave is. He’s an overrated bastard trading on past glories and we’re sick of his twatty reasons for gigging in Israel. He was better when he was a smackhead.

‘Four! Using “amount” when you mean “number”. It’s amount of flour, number of flowers, get it? Small thing but it tears my tits off whenever I hear it!

‘Okay, that’ll do, now fuck off in peace to love and serve the Lord. Amen.’

With a reflective smile, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that Mike Graham, former Talk TV host, launched an attack on London’s New Year’s Eve fireworks display, complaining of its wokeness and that its ‘messaging was offensive’.

Really, Mike? Did they project lights saying ‘MIKE GRAHAM IS AN IGNORANT, REPELLENT FUCKING TWAT’ on the night sky? Or was it just a fucking fireworks display and lightshow, the same as every year? It seems the issue was an EU flag being shown among all the flags of the world – oh the horror – and the Star of David disappearing from the Israeli flag, actually a technical glitch affecting other blue and white flags. Which you might have considered, Mike, but that would have ruined your right-wing shit-stirring about antisemitism and Sadiq Khan! Go jump in a fucking river, you total cunt!

An article in the Financial Times discussed the ‘loathing’ towards Keir Starmer and chancellor Rachel Reeves, which the writer of the piece and the pair’s allies find ‘striking’.

Really? Bit of a head-scratcher, you reckon? Two politicians with the collective fucking charm of a loading bay, one of them a lump of piggy-eyed, cowardly fucking mendacity who’d suggest firing asylum seekers out of a cannon into the English Channel if he thought it’d claw back half a dozen fucking votes, the other a joyless fucking foghorn who’s still sulking about not being allowed to freeze pensioners to death this winter? It’s fucking amazing they’re not more popular than Sir David Attenborough, if you ask me! ‘Striking’? You need striking upside your heads, you broadsheet fuckwits!

‘Israel approves 19 new settlements in occupied West Bank’ reads a headline on the BBC News website.

Yeah, that really fucking brings home the innocuousness of the programme, doesn’t it? No mention of Palestinians being moved from their homes to make way for immigrants from Russia and America, or the breach of international law or the hundreds killed to pave the way for this project! This isn’t Butlins announcing plans to open 19 holiday camps, you docile, de facto genocide apologists! Stop fucking euphemising everything so it fits with your Everything Is Normal, Keep Calm And Carry On worldview!

Finally, New Years’ Eve viewers were once again treated to the musical cavalcade which is Jools’ Annual Hootenanny.

Jesus fucking cuntcake, how many fucking years is it now that New Year’s Eve has been immiserated by this stooping, obsequious, sub-Dickensian little twat? 30? 40? Are we gonna have to wait for him to die before we can enjoy New Year’s Eve at home? Fuck this ivory-tickling, endullening little runt, reducing all modes of music to a mush of faux-authentic boogie-woogie! Having to watch Jools on New Year’s Eve is like having a fucking hangover in advance!