By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist unable to understand why we’re not tarring and feathering Starmer
‘WE offered him security,’ Labour bleated. A bodyguard? A car? Pathetic. Do they not realise that, through not fault of his own, Nigel is the most loathed man in Britain?
He receives 300 death threats per minute, or 1,500 per fag smoked. Unable to appear in public since 2014, three lookalikes killed by Iranian assassins, living in a GB News bunker. And you offer him a car?
The five million pounds donated for his security is long gone. MIM-104 Patriot missiles aren’t cheap. He’s still around because he shrugs off attempts on his life as suavely as Roger Moore’s Bond and is as attractive to women. But it’s not sustainable.
If Britain is to take threats to Farage, and by extension the subsidiary Reform members, seriously? He needs his own Army division. I recommend the 3rd.
They fought at Waterloo, the Somme, and on Sword Beach on D-Day. With credentials like that they’re patriotic enough for Nigel, though he might have follow-up questions if they’re to keep their citizenship.
With 10,000 men, armoured units in Challenger tanks and three attack regiments in helicopters, he’ll have the firepower to fight off attacks from the BBC, the Guardian and James O’Brien of LBC. But he must be in total command.
As Hegseth has discovered, you can’t trust generals. Some of them are black, others have beards, and low testosterone is endemic. Anyway, Nigel is a military genius. You should hear him in full flow about how he’d have led the Third Reich to victory at Kursk!
So top of your to-do list, Burnham, above even ‘resign in disgrace’: ‘Award Nigel Farage the Iron Division as his personal security’. He promises he won’t hold a coup. He will, but you don’t know that.
