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WAKING with a hangover so searing I have to call the fire brigade and have them direct a hose at full blast directly into my mouth for ten minutes in order to rehydrate, I reflect on the past week. 

HE pretended he wasn’t interested. ‘Brexit?’ he said, disingenuously, ‘Why on earth should I stage an entire election just to sexually violate that?’

HANNAH Tomlinson, aged 36, has a Daddy fetish. 50-year-old Martin Bishop has two adult daughters and a practical car. Is he what she’s looking for?

Did you know, Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and was cloned into a sheep on the very same day.

WAKING with a hangover so intense I am able to conduct full body X-rays when I look in the mirror, I gargle a restorative and reflect on a week of immense theological significance.

I CAN'T be arsed with Christmas. All that fuss and build-up then it costs a shitting fortune and is over in a flash, like when I pay for sex. Plus the pubs only open for lunchtime, which is cruel to blokes with families.

READY to be someone else in the bedroom? Someone fumbling their lines and feeling deep humiliation? Combining the worse of bored sex and am-dram? Give roleplay a try.

And so a week that began with Lord Cameron requesting we all imagine him bent over, cheeks spread, bumhole gaping, draws to a close.

WAKING with a hangover so excruciating that were I to vomit the contents of my stomach would burn through to the Earth’s core, I reflect on my encounter with the Man Who Would Be Prime Minister. 

WAGWAN? Active J ‘as been hexperiencin’ da great houtdoors, fam. Crewdem an’ man decided to ‘ave a hadventure by campin’ hovernight in da local graveyard wiv da deadbots, innit?