Premium

“No, it’s Betty Boop that’s out of copyright. This full-length animated feature about the adventures of Betty Boo you’ve created must remain unseen until 2094.”

WAKING up with a hangover so intense its radioactive energy causes the authorities to seal off the Lambeth area with soldiers in hazmat suits, I reflect upon another tumultuous week. 

I'VE been in hospital. Had my varicose veins stripped and they kept me in a couple of nights. After 40 years of paying taxes, I was expecting some nice pampering. How wrong was I?

UNSURE in love, 28-year-old Sophie Rodriguez has brought her mother on her date with Joshua Hudson, aged 32, to offer a second opinion. Can he charm them both?

But even if it is your first rodeo, surely it’s pretty f**king obvious what you need to do.

WAKING with a hangover so intense my personal physician advises me not to defecate temporarily as there is a danger of my vital organs being emitted in liquid form, I reflect on another tumultuous week. 

TRUMP wants Greenland. We want the favour of the most powerful man in the world. Does nobody else see the obvious solution?

LOVEMAKING can be neglected when you’re attending to the needs of a screaming fountain of piss and drool who looks like your bald uncle Paul, but smaller.

You judge how your year will go on how well the novelty New Year glasses in the shape of that year work. 2026 will be mediocre.

WAKING with a hangover that is literally headsplitting – a mixture of red, green and cerebral matter is trickling from a gash in my forehead – I apply a plaster and reflect on my New Year sermon.