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I UNDERSTAND that a lot of you are curious about my long-distance partner in the US. ‘How did you meet?’, ‘What prison is he in?’, ‘How long until he’s executed?’ you ask. 

THE female libido is mysterious, wilful, and relishes adventurous sex that leaves the dusty bedroom behind for wild lust in exotic locations. Take her to any of these and you’re in.

Has this new Banksy statute fixed society yet? Damnit, maybe it’ll take another one.

WAKING up with a hangover so intense that the buzzing from my head is a danger to overhead air traffic communications, I reflect on another busy ecclesiastical week. 

THERE is evil in the world, people. And it disguises itself by having white skin, being an incubator for terrorism, being members of NATO and it’s called Europe, okay?

I CAN’T say me and my Brian talk as much as we used to. Understandable after 50 years of marriage. Besides, I’m on the PC and he’s on his iPad for the racing results.

“Father, I have sinned, for I find myself breaking the tenth commandment on an hourly basis. You see, I live next to Kim Kardashian.”

WAKING up with a hangover so excruciating it has a hangover of its own, I imbibe two gallons of water with a slice of lemon and reflect on the week’s events. 

HELLO fellow jobseekers. Liam Rosenior here. Philosopher, visionary, 144 appearances as right-back for Hull.

Charity begins at home, especially if you’re squatting in an underfunded donkey sanctuary.