Your astrological week ahead for April 20th, with Psychic Bob

Never lift an empty shell to your ear. If you do, you hear the sounds of a divorced man taking his children to McDonalds.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... that's more than enough Liz f**king Truss, thanks

WAKING up on a bed of empty rum bottles, my head thudding as if a small, angry, right-wing man were trapped inside it, I sip a gallon of water to restore my faculties. 

All camel's eyes and sheep's bollocks: The gammon food critic goes Moroccan

I'VE never had much time for the Arabs. Wasting their time racing camels, living in tents in terrorist training camps in the desert and dicking around with magic lamps.

Long-term sickness: is it as fun as the media make it sound?

MORE than 2.8 million Britons are living it up by being too ill to work, instead revelling in long, lazy days untroubled by responsibility. But is there a downside?

Mash Blind Date: will Donald Trump and his lawyer trying to shut him the f**k up find their happy place?

CAN Donald Trump and his own lawyer, who is desperately trying to stop him committing further crimes while on trial for crimes, meet in body and soul?

Your astrological week ahead for April 13th, with Psychic Bob

Ant and Dec aren't actually from Newcastle. They're putting it on. Ant is Jamaican, and Dec is mute.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the NHS is trying to kill us, so we'd better pay shitloads to go private, am I right?

WAKING up with a hangover that feels like rhinoceri are vigorously mating within my cranium, I reflect on the events of the past couple of days. 

A white home counties roadman endures wasteman careers week

WAGWAN? Active J is bare misunderstood, bruv. Man has been hexplainin’ all week to wasteman careers muppets, man don’t need no job hadvice. Man is flexin’ swag to bein’ a gangsta rapper, innit?

Woman slags off boyfriend so much she has no choice but to dump him

A WOMAN has criticised her boyfriend so heavily to friends and family that she now has no choice but to dump him.

A confused Millennial tries to… save a house deposit

DID you know you can buy your own property? Me neither, until all my friends with rich, generous parents started doing it. Even some of the less well-off ones have done it, but only if they moved to Newport, wherever that is.