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WAKING with a hangover that has left me so parched my body has declared an official water shortage and a hosepipe ban, I look over my typically busy schedule.

AS I gazed out at the yellow grass, the parched rhododendrons, the merciless sun yesterday I had one comforting thought: so much for climate change.

DOWN with the 2SLGBTQIA+ revolution? You f**king bigot. How are you keeping yourself so ignorant that you’ve missed the new sexual identities?

You can’t wait to watch The Odyssey again on the small screen, where you’ve a chance of seeing what the f**k’s going on.

WAKING with a hangover so dehydrating my brain has shrunk to the size of a small artichoke, I consume six gallons of citrus-infused water and receive my first visitors of the day. 

AFTER a trip to the beach, be the big man and admit Anakin Skywalker was right.

IN my God-fearing lifestyle, extramarital sex condemns you to eternal damnation. But the Bible has nothing to say about seven-inch silicone dildos or vibrating cock rings.

IF you’re ever suffering from imposter syndrome, remember that the guy from the B-52s thought he should become a professional singer.

WAKING up with a hangover so intense that jets of purple liquid spray from my eyeballs, I take a hydration break with several gallons of spring water to bring myself back to baseline.

HELLO England fans. Jude Bellingham here. Marauding midfielder and national hero. Let me tell you straight off, no one was as gutted as me when we bollocksed things up against the Argies.