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The real monster in The X-Files is government bureaucracy and overreach of the state.

WAKING with a hangover that has left me so parched my body has declared an official water shortage and a hosepipe ban, I look over my typically busy schedule.

AS I gazed out at the yellow grass, the parched rhododendrons, the merciless sun yesterday I had one comforting thought: so much for climate change.

DOWN with the 2SLGBTQIA+ revolution? You f**king bigot. How are you keeping yourself so ignorant that you’ve missed the new sexual identities?

You can’t wait to watch The Odyssey again on the small screen, where you’ve a chance of seeing what the f**k’s going on.

WAKING with a hangover so dehydrating my brain has shrunk to the size of a small artichoke, I consume six gallons of citrus-infused water and receive my first visitors of the day. 

AFTER a trip to the beach, be the big man and admit Anakin Skywalker was right.

IN my God-fearing lifestyle, extramarital sex condemns you to eternal damnation. But the Bible has nothing to say about seven-inch silicone dildos or vibrating cock rings.

IF you’re ever suffering from imposter syndrome, remember that the guy from the B-52s thought he should become a professional singer.

WAKING up with a hangover so intense that jets of purple liquid spray from my eyeballs, I take a hydration break with several gallons of spring water to bring myself back to baseline.