The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the bottomless idiocy of Susan fucking Hall

WAKING caked in vomit, my head pounding like Mr Fred Flintstone at his front door and my underwear clearly bearing a double load but otherwise fine, I recall this week’s events.

'A press conference to tell everyone to vote for your shit?' my wife says. 'So we are at late Theresa May'

‘YOU remember,’ Akshata says, ‘she did it every two weeks. Press conference, Downing Street, everyone expecting she resigns then she says “Vote for my Brexit.”’

A white home counties roadman gets a visit from da feds

WAGWAN? Da feds try to bust man dis mornin’ an’ smash Active J’s network wide open. Copdem shakedown school hassembly by fakin’ doin’ commoonity policin’.

A confused Millennial tries to… pay with cash

CASH is dated, which means it’s problematic. Hitler, Stalin and JK Rowling all paid for things with physical money, so it’s a dangerous road to go down.

Five ways to get yourself into a nice comfortable sexual rut, with the Mash sex columnist

CALL it a rut, call it a comfort zone, call it three minutes each of oral followed by five minutes of no-eye-contact sex, but it’s the bedrock of the majority of marriages.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Once you go black, you never go back. Because that toast is ruined.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... of course Blair liked Kissinger. They're both evil twats

WAKING up with a mouth as dry and desiccated as the remains of Mother Teresa, I sweep away the empty bottles strewn across my bed and ruminate on the events of last week. 

Barbie: Hilarious fun with a message, or confused feminism with some jokes?

BARBIE was amazing, perhaps not to actually watch for two hours, but as a phenomenon. But now the dust has settled, it’s definitely got problems you don’t have to be a bitter misogynist to notice.

This week in Mash history: The Virgin Mary comes up with a cover story quick, 1BC

UNTIL now, no one has ever doubted Mary’s account that she was literally a virgin impregnated by a divine spirit, but new evidence is making experts think having a baby may require sex to take place.

The land of potatoes, pissing rain and terrorists: The gammon food critic visits an Irish pub

I'M off to a traditional Irish pub that does food in Birmingham's Irish Quarter. Just hoping my English accent doesn't get me blindfolded and executed.