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THIS week’s story is so chilling it’ll make you want to swap your summery Starbucks Frappuccino for a piping hot Starbucks Grande Mochaccino. Remember to use my discount code CRIME for ten per cent off at any participating Starbucks.

THEY’RE doing deepfakes now. Your computer takes an ordinary photo and makes it look like you’re up to hanky-panky you haven’t touched since Butlin’s, Bognor Regis, 1985.

Bit desperate to secure the next Bond theme aren’t we, Dua Lipa?

WAKING with a hangover so excruciating I have to fight off my dog lest it makes off with the liver and kidneys I have vomited up, I restore my innards manually and and reflect on a somewhat traumatic week. 

THIS is a national emergency. We are on Defcon Alert Code Red and we need to press the button now, and the button is marked Unlimited Ballroom Funding.

CHOOSING to live by the shackles of olden values doesn’t mean I’m a prude. At times I have not simply lain still and thought of England when making love, but of forbidden Eire as well.

‘No show without Punch,’ they say. Well I’ve just watched Les Miserables and he wasn’t in it once.

WAKING with a hangover so intense it raises the room temperature from 33 to 38 degrees, I sip down several gallons of water and reflect on another notable week in my pastoral career.

HI folks! Sir Paul McCartney here. Beatles legend. Affable Scouser. Macca to his mates. I'm doing my famous thumbs up with my mouth open. You love that, don't you? Well it is bloody iconic. 

We’re always hearing of Tyson Fury but rarely his other emotional states Tyson Melancholy, Tyson Introspective and Tyson Horny.