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This week in Mash History: Elizabeth I decides she's done with dating, 1568

THE final monarch of the Tudor dynasty, Queen Elizabeth I of England was known for her intelligence, diplomacy, and virginity. But the last was not entirely by choice.

Your astrological week ahead for March 16th, with Psychic Bob

Given the phrase ‘colder than a witch’s tit’ it’s odd witchfinders didn’t use that to identify their quarry. Perk of the job etcetera.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... going without a shit for three days to see f**king Coldplay

WAKING up in a puddle of very stale vomit, possibly mine, possibly Gloria Hunniford’s, I look back fondly on a several-month-long alcoholic ‘binge’.

A white home counties roadman's bruv actin' like Snoop Dogg coz him's been to Hamsterdam

WAGWAN? Active J been cold. Man woz sayin’ nuffink to no bruv, hespecially da XL dickhead, Drilla! An’ man’s gyal, Lady G.

Are you shit in bed, or is it her? Take our quiz

SEX life not up to scratch? Wondering which one of you is to blame? Take our quiz and find out.

A confused Millennial tries to… binge-watch EastEnders from the start

HEARD of EastEnders? It’s a television programme from the days before streaming, when TVs were huge because they contained analogue puppets acting out the show.

Your astrological week ahead for March 9th, with Psychic Bob

You got a time of 18.25 seconds in your iron man triathalon. The Iron Man armour helped.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... JK Rowling doing time in Wizard Prison

WAKING up naked atop the tomb of Mother Teresa, clutching an empty bottle of overproof rum and boasting a raging erection, I realise I have a little explaining to do in order to preserve ecumenical harmony.

Five great two-month breaks for secret lizard people, by the Princess of Wales

KATE’S absence from public life has led to dreadful tittle-tattle and rumours, but the mundane truth is simply that she’s reverted to lizard form. Here she reveals her favourite places to visit as a reptile.

Gen Zers dual screening porn 

YOUNG people are adept at watching two different genres of pornography simultaneously on separate devices, it has emerged.