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You can’t wait to watch The Odyssey again on the small screen, where you’ve a chance of seeing what the f**k’s going on.

WAKING with a hangover so dehydrating my brain has shrunk to the size of a small artichoke, I consume six gallons of citrus-infused water and receive my first visitors of the day. 

AFTER a trip to the beach, be the big man and admit Anakin Skywalker was right.

IN my God-fearing lifestyle, extramarital sex condemns you to eternal damnation. But the Bible has nothing to say about seven-inch silicone dildos or vibrating cock rings.

IF you’re ever suffering from imposter syndrome, remember that the guy from the B-52s thought he should become a professional singer.

WAKING up with a hangover so intense that jets of purple liquid spray from my eyeballs, I take a hydration break with several gallons of spring water to bring myself back to baseline.

HELLO England fans. Jude Bellingham here. Marauding midfielder and national hero. Let me tell you straight off, no one was as gutted as me when we bollocksed things up against the Argies.

Dress as a sexy lady pirate every day, and eventually you’ll be able to say ‘The day I met my husband, I was dressed as a sexy lady pirate!’ and that’ll make a great story.

WAKING up with a hangover so dreadful I throw up a kidney which I then have to dive after and swallow back down, I gently sip several gallons of water and allow my delicate system to settle. 

‘WE offered him security,’ Labour bleated. A bodyguard? A car? Pathetic. Do they not realise that, through not fault of his own, Nigel is the most loathed man in Britain?