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Give a man a fish. Congratulations! You have made one pescatarian.

WAKING with a hangover so intense I make a mental note to compose a sermon titled ‘The Sin Of Sluggishness: Scientists’ Failure To Make Any Advance In Head Transplant Surgery’, and reflect upon another momentous week.

DA other day Lady G hasked if we woz doin’ anyfink special hafter school. Active J sed: ‘Man will bust some righteous rap an’ do da laces in him’s 95s in a peng different way, innit.’ 

A NEW year, a new chapter of epic lore waiting to be written. I can’t wait to see which ragebait will trigger me and which AI slop will trick me in the months ahead.

“No, it’s Betty Boop that’s out of copyright. This full-length animated feature about the adventures of Betty Boo you’ve created must remain unseen until 2094.”

WAKING up with a hangover so intense its radioactive energy causes the authorities to seal off the Lambeth area with soldiers in hazmat suits, I reflect upon another tumultuous week. 

I'VE been in hospital. Had my varicose veins stripped and they kept me in a couple of nights. After 40 years of paying taxes, I was expecting some nice pampering. How wrong was I?

UNSURE in love, 28-year-old Sophie Rodriguez has brought her mother on her date with Joshua Hudson, aged 32, to offer a second opinion. Can he charm them both?

But even if it is your first rodeo, surely it’s pretty f**king obvious what you need to do.

WAKING with a hangover so intense my personal physician advises me not to defecate temporarily as there is a danger of my vital organs being emitted in liquid form, I reflect on another tumultuous week.