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A confused millennial tries to… aura farm his way through a job interview

By Josh Gardner, who put ‘manifesting’ under the skills section of his CV

DUE to the vagaries of late-stage capitalism – I believe in giving back, so I subscribe to eight OnlyFans – I needed a job. WFH of course, I’m not a freak. 

That meant logging into LinkedIn, which means automatically joining 10,000 LinkedIn newsletters, sifting through business twats’ stories of B2B marketing epiphanies at Angkor Wat, and applying for positions with a covering letter laboriously written by ChatGPT.

And thanks to an algorithmically-generated statement that in hindsight I should have fact-checked, I got an interview! Now all I had to do was aura farm through it and I’d be on the minimum-wage gravy train.

Don’t know aura farming? It’s being cool, mysterious, striking a pose and holding it. Bending others to your will by sheer rizz. Wearing a tie and a backwards baseball cap, like I did to the interview.

But rather than my goated flex being recognised, it was met with indifference. I had to aura farm harder, so I made the clutch move of bottle-flipping the water they gave me. Even that didn’t blow away these corporate sigmas.

Panic set in. From scared reflex I started to dab again and again. Yet somehow I was haemorrhaging aura points instead of racking them.

By rights I should be going viral right now. I was looking based. I was feeling peak. If I were a YouTube thumbnail I’d have ‘MAN DESTROYS JOB INTERVIEW USING 10,000 PER CENT OF HIS BRAIN’ plastered over me and millions of views. Instead I was dying harder than nuanced online discourse.

Dissociating like a ketamine flashback, I spat bars of corporate jargon. Dropped word bombs of synergy and cross-platform integration. My flow was unstoppable as I drilled down on the actionable variables I could bring that would really move the needle.

I’m shook, but it worked. No cap. I’m starting tomorrow at a zero-hours entry-level job with no pension plan. Finally my degree is paying off.

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Your astrological week ahead for June 21st, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Any car is a self-driving car if you’re irresponsible enough.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but when you name them and accuse them of bitching about you, suddenly your husband is ‘concerned about you darling’.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Let’s start bullying the left handed again. No idea why we stopped.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

‘Never go back to a lit firework,’ they told you, and you never have. Even decades later, you’ve never returned. Your parents and everyone you knew there must be dead by now.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Walk softly, but carry a big dick.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Apparently there’s a shot of the Sycamore Gap tree in the new 28 Years Later. But a fast-moving zombie one.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

“Misery loves company. And that, you manipulative bastard, is why I’m not attending gran’s funeral.”

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

This week, re-arrange your ‘live, laugh, love’ sign to show your vibe is more ‘evil, gulah, vole’.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Half The Beatles are dead. Half The Beatles are alive. It all depends on your outlook on life.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

“‘My dick authenticated like a Banksy, Pest Control’, a hip hop lyric suitable for grime artists. The bidding begins at £150, do I hear £150?”

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

As my grandmother once said in a time of trouble, ‘eat my fat grandson, not me’.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Only two Father’s Day cards on the mantelpiece this year. Sad.

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