WAKING with a hangover so searing the negative psychic energy causes my pet hamster Judas to expire, I reflect on another momentous week in ecclesiastical affairs.
I had been surprised to receive a request for a private audience with the American vice president JD Vance. Perhaps suspecting that he might be called on to take up the highest office, he requested that I perform on him a private baptism, a spiritual cleansing, feeling perhaps that my Englishness would lend the ceremony a certain ‘extra-spiritualness’ lacking in his superficial, native land.
I agreed and having been discreetly spirited by private plane across the Atlantic, he arrives at my premises, where I have prepared a private font, a vessel of water into which I take the opportunity to urinate copiously beforehand.
We waste no time. He approaches me in humble supplication. I grab him by the neck. ‘Vice president Vance, I baptise thee in the name of the Lord,’ I declare, then plunge his head into the font for fully 30 seconds. He struggles, burbling violently, but I hold firm. Finally, I relent and he emerges, taking deep draughts of air.
‘I don’t think that quite took,’ I say. ‘Once more.’ I repeat the procedure. He writhes, thrashes, for another 30 seconds. ‘Once more for good luck,’ I say. Finally, half-drowned and heaving, he departs, coughing and vomiting but showering me with gratitude. Stupid cunt.
With a wry smile I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that there is talk of Wes Streeting making a leadership bid within the ailing Labour Party.
Fuck me till the fucking cows come home, Wes fucking Streeting? The fucking big-faced boy made good? The sponsored NHS-destroyer-in-waiting? That splotchy lump of centrist fuck? Him? He wouldn’t even be an MP if half a dozen idiot students in his constituency hadn’t slept in and not bothered to fucking vote in the last election! Seriously, I’d just as soon stick with Starmer! It’s like Himmler plotting to replace fucking Hitler! Although both of them would probably do better in the fucking YouGov polls!
The BBC have felt obliged to issue an apology to Donald Trump, following a misleading edit in an item about him on Panorama. This led to the resignation of director general Tim Davie.
Jesus H fucking wankstick, of all the omissions, discreet misrepresentations and general fucking distortions of BBC News, this is the fucking sword you choose to die on? The BBC is already desperate to convince us the far-right shitshow of modern politics is normal, with its smooth, docile, ‘everything’s fine, don’t worry’ tone! What is it about the senile, pelican-faced blowhard Trump that brings out the sheer cravenness of our institutions? Just tell him to fuck off! What are you so shit scared of? Has he even got time to fit in a fucking libel case between weaselling out of being a nonce?
Rachel Reeves has abandoned plans to raise income taxes, which would have meant breaking a manifesto pledge.
Oh, for fuck’s sake, you foghorn-voiced paragon of robotic charmlessness, you are as shit at politics as you are shit at being a human being! It’s cavilling and caving like this that’s the reason the fucking Monster Raving Loony Party are breathing down your necks in the fucking polls! Of course raise fucking taxes – on the fucking idle rich, roosting like fucking scoffing goblins on giant hoards of cash while the world burns and starves! How hard is that? So it’s back to slashing public services, eh? Well, it’s better that hospitals are closing than you losing face in the eyes of the fucking Daily Mail!
Finally, it seems the US petition to release the files on the late Jeffrey Epstein, associate of Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and Donald Trump, has reached its required 218 signatories.
You have to fucking wonder, given everything Trump has brazened out in his Batman villain political existence so far, just what kind of godawful shit is in those fucking files that is making him crap his nappy in desperation that they never see the light of fucking day! I mean, what? Does it involve livestock? Elon Musk? The longer you hold out, the more the contents of those files will fester in the public imagination! QAnon nutjobs are probably already speculating there’s footage of you shagging Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Although when the truth outs, you’ll probably wish you’d done something that fucking age-appropriate!
