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Seafood, and why you can never, ever trust it, by Harry Kane

HELLO! It’s lantern-jawed striker, England icon and seafood sceptic Harry Kane here, fresh off the back of a true World Cup classic against Ghana.

You probably know me from banging in the goals at Bayern or sacking off Tottenham because they were shit. But today I’m here to talk about my charity work. I already support many worthy causes, but today I’m launching my own campaign. And it is something very close to my heart. The Harry Kane Never, Ever Trust Seafood Society.

My personal history with edible sea creatures is long and traumatic. As a lad growing up in the East End of London. I was force-fed jellied eels by overeager relatives. I still remember the hot sting of pie crumbs, mash and liquor hitting my face as my Auntie Jean insisted they would ‘make me grow up big and strong’. To be fair she was right. I’m six-three, built like a garage and England’s top international goalscorer. But that’s not the point. 

It gave me a lifelong mistrust of seafood. In the chip shop I veer sharply towards a saveloy. Calamari – no thanks. Grilled red snapper on a Greek beach? Forget about it. And I’ve never met a bivalve mollusc I could look in the eye. If they have eyes. I’m not certain. Which is why I’m launching this campaign. To help people like me. Elite millionaire footballers who can’t stomach a tuna Niçoise.

It’s not merely a question of taste. We cannot ignore the effect food poisoning has on international football. After once trying Thomas Tuchel’s seared scallops in a pea puree my bowels exploded like a howitzer. He apologised profusely, but the entire team’s panicked toilet breaks every 15 minutes the next day surely contributed to our defeat by Japan. 

And remember that penalty I skied against France at the Qatar World Cup? That was only because I heard the French fans slowly chanting ‘dodgy seafood paella’. How they knew about my hellish toilet experiences on holiday in Marbella in 2017 I will never know, but it worked.

So next time you’re offering John Stones a sushi platter or trying to talk Bukayo Saka into ordering a lobster ravioli, stop and ask: what would the Never, Ever Trust Seafood Society think? Are you bringing back seafood-related childhood trauma? Are you inadvertently stopping England going through to next round?

All we ask for is a little awareness of aquatic food sources. Thank you for giving me this platform today. As opposed to giving me trout with dill cream and apple salad. God save the King.

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Putting condoms on knobbly root vegetables: improving your teenager's sex education with the Mash sex columnist

SPERM meeting egg is outdated. Today’s teenagers, hooked on porn and looksmaxxing, need to know the truth about sex to put them off. 

So teachers, switch off that grainy video you’ve shown every year since 1988 with its Frankie Goes To Hollywood soundtrack and outdated reference to salad tossing, and put these six essential elements into the curriculum: 

Putting condoms on knobbly root vegetables

Sex education fails kids by convincing them the phalluses they encounter will be as regularly-shaped as a cucumber or courgette. To understand the true variety of genitalia out there, teenagers should be tested on how to stretch a condom over a bulbous turnip or a knobbly celeriac. Without retching. 

Emphasise a range of body types

The male and female shapes show on worksheets are, once you’ve been out there and banged your share, as idealised as Michaelangelo’s David. For greater realism, ask students to go through parents’ and grandparents’ phones, find the inevitable nudes then compare their knee-length ballbags and bulging arses. 

Pitching porn scripts

Pornography isn’t real, but how do we help horny adolescents understand that? By encouraging their inner Spielberg. Challenge them to come up with storylines, pick the best, and then share them through a rehearsed reading during assembly, with critique from teachers and students alike. Soon they’ll flinch at even the thought of sex. 

Visits from OnlyFans stars

Realistically, as other jobs dry up, at least half of students will consider online sex work. Discovering the economic reality of selling your intimate images online will help students to plan their careers. And as with any other profession, a local one who isn’t doing very well will happily come in and talk to the class in order to make herself feel more successful. 

Experiencing an STI for the day

Students try out one major consequence of sex by caring for fake babies, but there’s no comparable lesson about venereal disease. Encourage them to rub hot chili powder on their genitals, to scream when urinating and to wear a T-shirt saying ‘I AM TAINTED, SHUN ME’. The diary of their fake gonorrhoea journey can be published online.

Making sex toys in DT

Sex makes every other subject more engaging. By ordering Year 11 to eschew their birdhouses for wooden fleshlights and dildos, teens will be able to have open and honest conversations about sexual pleasure, realistic scaling, eliminating snags and the importance of effective sanding.

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