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Your astrological week ahead for August 1st, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

After a trip to the beach, be the big man and admit Anakin Skywalker was right.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

The Welsh have no one to blame but themselves for their drought. They should have saved some of the water from when it pissed down 24/7 during all your childhood holidays in Llandudno.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Is there any reason in the Marvel Universe why Spider-Man can’t use a flying hoverboard like the Green Goblin and take the most direct route instead of pissing around with webs?

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

You’re having difficulty getting your head round polyamorous relationships. Wouldn’t you mostly shag the hottest one? It would be really obvious you were only doing the less attractive ones for a bit of variety.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

That sign saying ‘Watch for falling rocks’ was a boring waste of a weekend.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Sadly ‘Yorkie – it’s not for girls’ is predicated on the idea that eating a modestly sized chocolate bar is manly and tough. You can’t see these delicate truck drivers lasting long in the Royal Marines.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Really impress guests at your barbecue this weekend by cooking a baked Alaska.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 21st

For God’s sake stop oversharing your tedious relationship dramas. Put them in inexplicably popular hit songs and million-selling albums instead. 

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Save time worrying unnecessarily about what to wear by going out with Kanye West.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

‘I’d like to offer you a position – permanently disabled!’ says Jason Statham in one of his films. Maybe Shakespeare could have written quotable lines like that if he’d been more open to the Transporter franchise.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Don’t pigeonhole yourself as a cat person or a dog person. Throw a Honduran White Bat in there like the free thinker you are.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th 

Inject some blockbuster movie excitement into your fortnightly Jobcentre Plus interview by shouting ‘I didn’t sign on for this shit!’.

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I experimented with a mechanical marital aid: The wholesome bodice-ripping yarns of a tradwife

By Emma Buckley-Hough, curious about this new-fangled ‘electricity’ she’s heard about

IN my God-fearing lifestyle, extramarital sex condemns you to eternal damnation. And copulating with a beast is slightly frowned upon too. But the Bible has nothing to say about seven-inch silicone dildos or vibrating cock rings.

How could this be? If God is all-knowing, surely He foresaw a time when His children could order a lifelike phallus at 4pm and still benefit from next-day delivery? I reread Corinthians in case it was mentioned there, but I couldn’t find anything.

This creates a curious loophole. If strap-ons, butt plugs, love eggs and strokers do not go against the word of God, then does that mean I could use them in the bedroom? I asked my husband and he gave me an encouraging shrug of approval.

The thought of using a contraption during intercourse seemed bizarre to me. The only device I am familiar with is the oven, and rightly so. A G-spot stimulator surely is nothing like that? How would I get it up the stairs?

I needed guidance, so I turned to the most deviant person in my contact book. Susan may look like a faithful housewife, but she once kissed a boy out of wedlock when she was 16. If anyone knew about the kinky underworld of mechanical marital aids, it would be her.

Under the cover of darkness, I went over to look at the contents of her bedside table. Imagine my surprise when it didn’t contain a prayer book or rosary beads, but a plastic nine-inch male member with three pleasure settings.

‘Your husband doesn’t even have to use it on you,’ she whispered like the snake in the Garden of Eden. ‘Wait until he’s at work and you can sort yourself out.’ The next day I purchased my own because she selfishly wouldn’t let me have a go on hers.

When the diabolical truncheon arrived, a wave of guilt crashed over me. How could I betray my husband by sleeping with this rod of lust? The Bible may not say it’s ungodly, but I could sense the Devil’s evil in its juddering length. So I binned it.

Thankfully my love life has returned to normal. It was sinful of me to even consider using a sex toy. Making love in the dark until my husband is finished while I keep one foot on the floor is all the erotic excitement I need.

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