Sport

HARRY Kane has been acclaimed as the greatest England player to have won no trophies whatsoever since the inimitable Wayne Rooney.

MANCHESTER City have sinned and must be scourged, for so it is written by the Premier League. What should be their penance?

EVERY trophy won by Manchester City between 2009 and 2019 is now available for judicious redistribution. Who is going to walk away with what?

PADEL is the sport slash cult sweeping middle-class Britain, but could it really be so irritating it takes over from veganism? We compare.

HEY kids. I’m a role model to you, and I admit I f**ked up. So don’t be like me. When you’re gunning your Lambo down the motorway on laughing gas, do it safely.

ARE you good at sport? But too keen on making a living for athletics, and too keen on going out on the lash for football? Why not give cricket a try?

HEADY with anticipation at a man you’ve never heard of signing for the club you support? These are the six stages in your journey to hatred.

HOLA, football fans! Your top turtleneck-wearing Catalonian here. Fresh from prowling the touchline with the symmetrical bald head that makes your wife quiet during Match of the Day.