Sport

ENGLAND play Mexico in the small hours tomorrow, and despite everything you’re going to watch it. Here’s how you’ll prepare and suffer the consequences.

THE government has announced that children will be able to stay up late and get pissed for the England-Mexico match.

FANS have agreed the current England squad could make up an absolutely unmatchable five-a-side team, if FIFA are amenable to changing the format.

THE England team have admitted they are suffering fatigue after nine months of desultory sex with every spray-tanned trollop they encounter in motorway hotels.

BRITAIN’S Wimbledon hopes have been dashed, unless a last-minute replacement for injured Emma Raducanu can be found. Could it be you?

ENGLAND have qualified for the second round of the World Cup at the trivial cost of losing the support of every fan who watched the last two games.

SCOTLAND have scored one goal and won one game, but can still qualify for the second round of the World Cup if they meet these stringent conditions.

ENGLAND managed not to win last night, but to compensate have provided a whole host of compelling excuses. These are they.