Sport

SINCE consciousness first dawned, you were determined to become a professional footballer. You’re shit at football. So what do you do now?

THE man who completed a marathon in under two hours has revealed his secret was to run faster than other competitors so he got to the finish first.

THE London Marathon takes place on Sunday, and every Briton who is not lazy and worthless is running it in costume. What are you wearing?

FOOTBALL Focus has been cancelled after assailing ordinary, decent football fans with a hellish storm of BBC wokeness. These items meant it had to die.

LEICESTER have promised their fans their relegation is not a fluke and is only the beginning of a bold new chapter of abject failure.

A MAN with left-wing beliefs who enjoys watching men beat each other senseless is able to separate a fighter’s skills from his politics.

THIS summer’s World Cup in America is charging $100 for a train, $225 for a parking spot and $40 for a soda pop. What profiteering are you buzzing for?

ENGLAND lost against Japan yesterday, so there must be a hidden reason. Was it because their internet-addled players are obsessed with anime?

SCOTLAND’S new away kit represents the country’s tradition of producing sensitive indie music for delicate manchildren, the SFA has confirmed.