Sport

Premier League fixtures let Man Utd fan know when he'll be angry

THE release of 2019-20’s Premier League fixtures means a Manchester United supporter can diarise when he will be a complete nightmare to be around.

Man expert in women's football after four days' dedicated study

A MALE football fan has read four day’s worth of coverage of the FIFA Women’s World Cup and is now an expert, he has confirmed.

Mum baffled as to why she has to watch so much shit children's sport

A MUM can see no valid reason for spending a huge part of her life watching small children’s totally inconsequential sporting events.

Man who thinks women's football is boring won't shut up about golf

A MAN who claims women’s football is slow and lacking in action also thinks men hitting tiny balls with sticks for hours is utterly fascinating.

Liverpool allowed to carry their points over to next season

PREMIER League chiefs have agreed that as Liverpool did so well but still did not win they can carry their points over to the following season.

Is Liverpool's comeback the most irritating of all time? 

LIVERPOOL’S comeback to beat Barcelona four-nil yesterday was intensely irritating for most of Britain. But was it the most irritating of all time?

A supporters' guide to enduring the London Marathon

BEHIND every runner in this weekend’s London Marathon are at least 15 people sick to death of hearing about it and willing it to be over.

Scotland now in danger of losing to fictional countries

THE Scottish national football team is now the underdog against a range of made-up countries.

Man proud of ability to watch any game of football

A FOOTBALL fan has proudly proclaimed that he can watch literally any game of football, from the Champions League to a lads’ kickabout in the park.

Hungover beat Still Pissed in Sunday league game

HUNGOVER has narrowly beaten Still Pissed From Last Night in a hotly contested Sunday league football game.

Andy Murray to retire from being Scottish

ANDY Murray has admitted he is suffering too much to continue being Scottish and is to retire to a cottage in Kent.

Evil Guardian once again tricks football fan with article about women's football

THE scheming, duplicitous Guardian has again hoodwinked an innocent football fan into browsing an article about women’s football.