Sport

AMERICANS charmed by the loveable drunken antics of Scottish football fans have yet to encounter them after they lose a game.

LAST night, the England team won. And they won for English values: casual bigotry, smoking cigarettes and generous gifts from crypto billionaires.

TONIGHT England face Croatia once again with a single question on the nation’s lips: how exactly did these bastards become our footballing nemesis?

PLANNING to watch England vs Croatia tonight with mates and a not-interested girlfriend? Try to ignore her inadvertently questioning the very foundations of spectator sport.

THE UK’s lotharios have been notified that the England squad’s wives and girlfriends are hot and undefended 1,250 miles from the team’s base.

OVERLONG hydration breaks during the World Cup are ruining the spontaneous flow and raw emotion of VAR.

WORLD Cup games are being held at unsociable times to suit Americans, of all bloody people. Which are you watching at 5am totally f**ked up?

THE World Cup is here, but traditionalists may have a problem with all the female presenters - a whole 35 per cent of the BBC’s team! Here’s how to cope with this onslaught of feminism.

SCOTLAND have announced they have been knocked out of the World Cup before playing their first game, with fans largely unsurprised.