Sport

WHETHER you’re English, Scottish, or God help you French, football has been scientifically proven to be a shit sport for shitheads. What are you into instead?

A World Cup semi-final is not the only situation Thomas Tuchel can stupidly fumble. Here he explains other activities he likes to screw up. 

ENGLAND lost, and it cannot be the fault of the country, our brave boys who gave everything, or the fans. So which knobhead is to blame this time? We investigate.

THE World Cup football tournament is stupid and England did not want to win it anyway, it has emerged.

SPAIN have their fingers crossed for England to triumph over Argentina tonight so Sunday is a nice easy final.

JUDE Bellingham has no concerns that England, who has decided he is its newest hero, will turn to mercilessly hounding him if he does not win tonight’s game.

KEIR Starmer has announced that all English lunch breaks will be extended by five whole minutes for one day only if England wins the World Cup.

WHAT luck! England vs Argentina in the semi-final of the World Cup, and me still not over a war between our countries that ended 44 years ago!

TONIGHT, England play Erling Haaland and his Norwegian chums in the quarter-final of the World Cup. How can he possibly be stopped?