Sport
You’re all really bad at this, says Nadal
RAFAEL Nadal has accused his fellow tennis players of being pathetically bad at playing on clay.
Runner replaces photo of husband and children with Strava route
A KEEN runner has replaced the framed photo of her husband and children on her desk with a print-out of her latest Strava route.
Gunnersaurus struggling with universal credit application
GUNNERSAURUS is struggling to complete his application for universal credit after being sacked by Arsenal yesterday.
United to replace Harry Maguire with arthritic garden gnome with glass eye
MANCHESTER UNITED have moved to strengthen their defence by swapping Harry Maguire for an arthritic garden gnome with a glass eye.
Man United awarded further penalty four days later
MANCHESTER United have been awarded a further penalty in last weekend’s match against Brighton & Hove Albion.
The Tory activities you can ignore the Rule of Six for
SHOOTING grouse and stag-hunting are exceptions to the Rule of Six thanks to Conservative lawmakers, but what else?
Government appoints Harry Maguire as Greek ambassador
IN keeping with its policy of getting the right people for top jobs, the government has appointed Harry Maguire as ambassador to Greece.
Idiot believes everything is fake except wrestling
A YOUNG man is convinced that everything in modern life is a bogus conspiracy except professional wrestling.
Premier League noise button make man like god
ONCE I was ordinary man. I watch football on TV. People watching football make noise. I powerless.
Sign our petition for Marcus Rashford to win the Premier League
MARCUS Rashford is a hero who’s given Britain hope. And now it’s time for us to give back, by making him sole winner of the 2019/20 Premier League.
'Hooray, sport is back soon!' say the worst kind of people
A LOAD of absolute knobheads are delighted that sport is back on shortly, as if it mattered.
Footballers picking up 100k a week to have sex with beautiful women when they're not even injured
FOOTBALLERS are currently being paid to have sex with beautiful women and drive expensive cars without having to kick a ball or suffer from thigh strain.