Chuck your pint at the ceiling: the twat's guide to watching footy in the pub

TONIGHT'S the night. Been lucky enough to snag a table down your local boozer? Here’s how to ruin it for everyone else.

Boris Johnson's England team talk

BORIS Johnson has popped in to give an impromptu, improvised, pig-ignorant talk to the England team. Here’s the transcript:

Scotland to have a bank holiday if England lose

SCOTLAND will be treated to an impromptu bank holiday this coming Monday if England are beaten by Italy, it has been confirmed.

Your guide to England's dive penalty laser pointer cheating bollocks

ENGLAND won fair and square and everyone’s jealous. But malcontents are whispering about some dive-penalty-laser-pen-cheating crap. Here’s how to correct them:

How to be a fanatical England supporter who only got into it last week

SUDDENLY discovered a deep love of football now that everyone else is into it? Here’s how to be extremely annoying about it.

How to come down gently off England's win last night

ARE you still dangerously high on England’s latest victory over Denmark? It can’t last, particularly when we play Italy, so here’s how to beat your addiction before it gets out of control. 

How to wear an England shirt like a f**king weirdo, by Boris Johnson

FANCY showing your support for the England team but also want to look like you’ve never dressed yourself before? Prime minister Boris Johnson explains how to do it.

Team of multi-ethnic wokery winning the f**k out of shit

A MULTI-ETHNIC team descended from immigrants who take the knee at every game are winning the absolute f**k out of this, it has emerged.

England fans leaving work at lunchtime regardless

ENGLAND fans have agreed it is necessary to leave work at lunch in order to catch the game at 8pm this evening.

We can hear you through the telly, England team confirm

THE England team has reminded viewers ahead of tonight’s match that they hear every word of the support and advice screamed at your TV.