Sport

THE upcoming World Cup is expected to be such a horrible, dispiriting tournament that it would actually make sense for England to win it.

A OPEN-TOP bus commiserating Arsenal’s Champions League defeat has driven through London’s empty streets without acknowledgement or fuss.

THE Southampton spy who has caused the club to be removed from Championship play-offs was actually a Middlesbrough double agent.

A ROSE has been named after David Beckham, and surely other British footballers should have the same honour. These richly deserve floral tributes.

SINCE consciousness first dawned, you were determined to become a professional footballer. You’re shit at football. So what do you do now?

THE man who completed a marathon in under two hours has revealed his secret was to run faster than other competitors so he got to the finish first.

THE London Marathon takes place on Sunday, and every Briton who is not lazy and worthless is running it in costume. What are you wearing?

FOOTBALL Focus has been cancelled after assailing ordinary, decent football fans with a hellish storm of BBC wokeness. These items meant it had to die.