Footballers: what they're actually worth, by a bloke from the 80s

AS Brighton midfielder Moses Caicedo agrees a £115m deal with Chelsea, 1980s football fan Norman Steele explains the true value of this summer’s transfers.

'It's coming home but no probs if not!' chant women

WOMEN excited about today's match against Colombia have started singing a boisterous yet modest football chant, it has emerged.

Women add penalties to long list of things they’re better at than men

WOMEN have added scoring penalties to the long, long list of things they are better at than men, it has emerged.

Five-a-side ruined by semi-decent player

A WEEKLY game of five-a-side is always ruined by the one player who seems to know what he is doing.

Lionesses deemed 'too competitive' by woman's mum

A WOMAN regrets mentioning the Women's World Cup to her mum, who thinks the England players should be less competitive and "more feminine".

Cricket confirmed as shittiest sport ever after Ashes won by rain

THE public perception of cricket as a dickhead sport for absolute twats was confirmed after the Ashes series was decided by f**king rain.

How to drink four lagers before the 10.30am England game: a guide for women

SUPPORTING the Lionesses, who play Haiti at 10.30am today, means you have a duty to be properly lagered up before the game. Here’s how to get through it.

Women's World Cup scheduled like Frasier repeats

THE Women’s World Cup that is set to bring women’s football a new wave of popularity is on at 8.30am on a Thursday, it has emerged.

Fathers disgusted as good time had by all at sports day

FATHERS attending their children’s annual sports day were appalled that the purpose of the event appeared to be enjoyment rather than fierce competitiveness.

People who couldn't give a f**k about tennis delighted Djokovic lost

ORDINARY people who do not give the slightest bugger about tennis are nonetheless rejoicing in Djokovic’s dramatic loss yesterday.