Sport

England 'can win World Cup if you're pissed enough'

THE England team has a very good chance of winning the World Cup if you have consumed enough alcohol, it has emerged.

World Cup opening ceremony to centre on 380ft replica of Putin’s cock

TODAY’S World Cup opening ceremony will feature a monstrous replica of Russian president Vladimir Putin’s ‘magnificent’ penis.

Phil Neville’s guide to women

Scientists have proven that women do not experience friendship like we do, being unable to physcially withstand banter.

Rooney ponders the nature of happiness

WAYNE Rooney has questioned the nature of existence following a Champions League game.

Peter Jackson to turn Bale transfer into trilogy

THE long-running saga of Gareth Bale's journey from Spurs to Real Madrid is to be made into a film saga by Peter Jackson.

Tour de France winner accused of not being Bradley Wiggins

THE British winner of yesterday's Tour de France is not Bradley Wiggins, it has been claimed.

United offered trolley-dash through QPR dressing room in exchange for Rooney

QPR MANAGER Harry Redknapp has offered Manchester United a three-minute trolley-dash to take as many players as they want for Wayne Rooney.

Manchester United protest at massive superiority of opponents

Manchester Utd have lodged an official protest with FIFA following their traumatic 1-0 defeat to the formidable Singha All Star XI in Thailand.

People who don’t like cricket are wrong, say experts

TEST cricket is brilliant and if you disagree you are less than a buffoon, according to experts.

Australia to beat England with one player

AUSTRALIA will contest the Ashes using just Ashton Agar, captain Michael Clarke has confirmed.