Sport

AN eight-year-old has woken up excited only to be informed that football will not be coming home because it is dead.

GARETH Southgate has announced, hours before the European Championship final, that the entire England squad is injured as is he.

ENGLAND play in the final tomorrow, and if they lose it will be your fault for not dressing up. What are you planning to wear?

THE England team are to spend tomorrow completing an ascent up Germany’s tallest mountain in an ill-timed motivational exercise.

THE prime minister has promised to celebrate England reaching the Euros final by putting a lit flare in his anus.

VAR awarding teams with undeserved penalties: is it actually a net positive? A reassessment.

AN England fan has swung by the Netherlands fanzone before the game to pick up an eighth of blueberry haze.

A YOUNG England fan excited for tonight’s game is already hitting the Ribena way harder than usual.