Sport

RONALDO? Full of himself. Thinks about nothing but his own legend. Jude Bellingham, mouthing ‘who else?’ to camera while grabbing his balls? Just self-assured.

THERE is slightly less than a week to go until England can be certain whether Gareth Southgate is a national treasure or disgrace.

THE England team have shown they are a reflection of their country by doing piss all apart from for two minutes on the deadline.

ENGLAND fans are deciding which barely-capped players to assign to positions they have never played in before to win the next game six-nil.

A TOTAL dick has used up annual leave to secure a tee time on a Wednesday because the weekend is a bit busy.

ENGLAND have hit out at critics, explaining that through patient, cautious exploratory manoeuvres they believe they have ascertained exactly where the goal is.

ENGLAND has decided that if it is going to blame someone it might as well blame the best player in its team, Jude Bellingham.

THE Tartan Army have confirmed that now Scotland have been knocked out of the Euros they will be backing England all the way.

THE England team, favourite to win the tournament, are in fact crap. Which one player is entirely responsible and should be sent home?