Sport

DID England lose against France because a striker failed to score a penalty, or for some other reason? We investigate.

THE grandparent you are dutifully visiting for Christmas has confirmed that she will not be putting the England-France game on, thank you.

FRANCE manager Didier Deschamps has told his team that existence is meaningless, all life’s strivings end in death, and winning will not bring them happiness.  

THE England team last night beat Senegal as simply and methodically as if every single English player was secretly a Kraut.

IT’S Christmas, and also the World Cup, therefore it must be Christmas at the World Cup. Follow these tips for a Yuletide football spectacular.

GERMANY crashing out of the World Cup has cruelly robbed England of a grudge match based on the nation’s unhealthy obsession with WW2.

ENGLAND are guaranteed to come home with the World Cup now they have beaten two minor teams in a piss-easy group, fans have agreed.

TONIGHT’S Wales vs England game is to be like a pair of brothers getting in a pathetic scrap over who gets the top bunk, other nations have agreed.

THE England team have casually mentioned that tonight’s match not only decides progression to the next round but also Wales’s national tongue.

STAY-AT-HOME England fans are thrilled to grab the once-in-a-lifetime chance to watch the game far more pissed than the fans at the match.