England: did they lose because a man failed to kick a ball into a goal?

DID England lose against France because a striker failed to score a penalty, or for some other reason? We investigate.

'We won't want that on,' confirms grandmother you're visiting about England game

THE grandparent you are dutifully visiting for Christmas has confirmed that she will not be putting the England-France game on, thank you.

France manager's team talk focusing on meaninglessness of existence

FRANCE manager Didier Deschamps has told his team that existence is meaningless, all life’s strivings end in death, and winning will not bring them happiness.  

England briskly and efficiently dispatch opponents like a bunch of f**king Germans

THE England team last night beat Senegal as simply and methodically as if every single English player was secretly a Kraut.

How to have a Christmassy World Cup

IT’S Christmas, and also the World Cup, therefore it must be Christmas at the World Cup. Follow these tips for a Yuletide football spectacular.

England robbed of World War 2 themed grudge match

GERMANY crashing out of the World Cup has cruelly robbed England of a grudge match based on the nation’s unhealthy obsession with WW2.

England sure to win whole thing now they've qualified from piss-easy group

ENGLAND are guaranteed to come home with the World Cup now they have beaten two minor teams in a piss-easy group, fans have agreed.

Wales vs England like brothers fighting over bunk-beds

TONIGHT’S Wales vs England game is to be like a pair of brothers getting in a pathetic scrap over who gets the top bunk, other nations have agreed.

Oh, and if we win you have to drop the language, England tells Wales

THE England team have casually mentioned that tonight’s match not only decides progression to the next round but also Wales’s national tongue.

England fans at home seize historic chance to be far more pissed than England fans at game

STAY-AT-HOME England fans are thrilled to grab the once-in-a-lifetime chance to watch the game far more pissed than the fans at the match.