Sport

WHY should it be Norway? If there’s any nation known worldwide for descending on countries in boats and taking them over by force, it’s surely us.

HEY! American here, just heard of soccerball, willing to fix it. This is how to change the rules to make it a better sport where great countries win.

A MAN has awoken from an unsettling dream that England are good, score goals and win knockout games.

ENGLAND play Mexico in the small hours tomorrow, and despite everything you’re going to watch it. Here’s how you’ll prepare and suffer the consequences.

THE government has announced that children will be able to stay up late and get pissed for the England-Mexico match.

FANS have agreed the current England squad could make up an absolutely unmatchable five-a-side team, if FIFA are amenable to changing the format.

THE England team have admitted they are suffering fatigue after nine months of desultory sex with every spray-tanned trollop they encounter in motorway hotels.

BRITAIN’S Wimbledon hopes have been dashed, unless a last-minute replacement for injured Emma Raducanu can be found. Could it be you?

ENGLAND have qualified for the second round of the World Cup at the trivial cost of losing the support of every fan who watched the last two games.