WE have all seen him, admired him and wondered what it takes to become him: the tit buzzing his budget drone around a public park. Follow these rules: 

Be susceptible to Instagram adverts

The first and most important step. It lays a strong foundation for the rest of your pathetic and annoying journey. There is a hole in your soul, and it’s shaped like whatever sponsored ad comes up next on your feed.  You’re one gadget away from fulfilment. Enter your credit card details.

Choose a busy spot 

You could go anywhere, so make sure you pick a place where lots of people are trying to enjoy a relaxing afternoon. This is not about flying, it’s about being seen flying. You’re not just a man. You’re a spectacle.

Liberate yourself from shame

Block out the haters. No one builds statues to critics; only to guys piloting drones. Shame is not even a real emotion. Scientifically, none of your emotions are real. Always ignore them. Only the drone is real. Focus on the drone, king. Focus on having just crashed it into a bush.

Channel your inner Ukrainian

Temu drones destroyed a third of Russia’s long-range bombers. Their pilots are heroes. So grip that controller like you’re zooming in on the fuel tank of a Tu-95 nuclear-capable bomber. Act like you’re being watched by an MI5 recruiter. Ignore the man on the bike shouting ‘bellend’.

Disregard all privacy concerns

You paid extra for a drone that can stream live footage to your phone, so switch that thing on. Fly over families, buzz romantic picnics, fly right up to kids. There is no such thing as personal space to the most obnoxious man within a 300-metre radius.

Invite your girlfriend along to admire you

She can watch, but she does not get to have a go.