SPERM meeting egg is outdated. Today’s teenagers, hooked on porn and looksmaxxing, need to know the truth about sex to put them off.
So teachers, switch off that grainy video you’ve shown every year since 1988 with its Frankie Goes To Hollywood soundtrack and outdated reference to salad tossing, and put these six essential elements into the curriculum:
Putting condoms on knobbly root vegetables
Sex education fails kids by convincing them the phalluses they encounter will be as regularly-shaped as a cucumber or courgette. To understand the true variety of genitalia out there, teenagers should be tested on how to stretch a condom over a bulbous turnip or a knobbly celeriac. Without retching.
Emphasise a range of body types
The male and female shapes show on worksheets are, once you’ve been out there and banged your share, as idealised as Michaelangelo’s David. For greater realism, ask students to go through parents’ and grandparents’ phones, find the inevitable nudes then compare their knee-length ballbags and bulging arses.
Pitching porn scripts
Pornography isn’t real, but how do we help horny adolescents understand that? By encouraging their inner Spielberg. Challenge them to come up with storylines, pick the best, and then share them through a rehearsed reading during assembly, with critique from teachers and students alike. Soon they’ll flinch at even the thought of sex.
Visits from OnlyFans stars
Realistically, as other jobs dry up, at least half of students will consider online sex work. Discovering the economic reality of selling your intimate images online will help students to plan their careers. And as with any other profession, a local one who isn’t doing very well will happily come in and talk to the class in order to make herself feel more successful.
Experiencing an STI for the day
Students try out one major consequence of sex by caring for fake babies, but there’s no comparable lesson about venereal disease. Encourage them to rub hot chili powder on their genitals, to scream when urinating and to wear a T-shirt saying ‘I AM TAINTED, SHUN ME’. The diary of their fake gonorrhoea journey can be published online.
Making sex toys in DT
Sex makes every other subject more engaging. By ordering Year 11 to eschew their birdhouses for wooden fleshlights and dildos, teens will be able to have open and honest conversations about sexual pleasure, realistic scaling, eliminating snags and the importance of effective sanding.
