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You can't park there, mate, you're blocking me in, with Jude Bellingham

HELLO England fans. Jude Bellingham here. Marauding midfielder and national hero. Let me tell you straight off, no one was as gutted as me when we bollocksed things up against the Argies. 

But after a week to reflect and decompress, I thought I’d share a few thoughts from our World Cup campaign. An insider’s view of what it was really like. Might be interesting.

I think the most shocking thing that happened in America and Mexico was… hang on. Bear with me a sec. Oi! Oi you! You can’t park there, pal. I said ’you can’t park there’. Read the sign. Read it. What does it say? 

Yeah. ‘This lock-up garage is in use 24 hours a day. Do not block access or you will be towed.’ Simple, innit? Listen mate, I need to get in there at all times. Yes, even now. I’ve got my Nissan Micra in there, so you’ll block me in. I need to go out in a minute to collect my Mum from her keep-fit class. 

Am I who? What? Am I Jude Bellingham? Yeah, I’m Jude Bellingham, of Real Madrid and England. Yeah, I did score all those goals at the World Cup. You’re welcome. What do I drive a Micra for with all my money?  Keep your nose out, pal. I just like how it handles and I’m investing my money in property, if you must know. 

Listen, this doesn’t change the fact you’re blocking my lock-up with your white van. I don’t care if you’re only dropping a few bits off. They all say that. Get it shifted. No, I’m not taking a selfie. Not till you move your van. Tell all your mates I’m a prick in real life, then. See if I care. 

The Argentina game? Not that again. Yeah, I agree, we were shit after we scored. You could have done better then? The state of you. Belly hanging over your cargo shorts. What are you, 50? 55? You should be embarrassed mate. 

I bet you’ve got a shirt with my name on the back, you sad bastard. Pathetic were we? Tell you what, why don’t you take it up with Thomas Tuchel, the great big German prick. Ha. You like that do you? Finally something agree on. Now then, how’s about you be a good fella and move that van.

‘Course I’ll sign your copy of The Sun. Diamond mate. Thanks a lot. You take care now. Where was I? Oh yeah, the World Cup. Time’s creeping on, so let’s just say: sorry we lost, I did my best, let’s add four more years of hurt and leave it at that, yeah? My Mum hates it when I’m late.

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Your astrological week ahead for July 18th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

“‘Stop your messing around, time you straighten out, better think of the future else you’ll wind up in jail?’ As I said, Rudy isn’t here at the moment, but I’ll pass that on.”

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

If bad stuff is f**ked up, does that mean good stuff is f**ked down?

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Dress as a sexy lady pirate every day, and eventually you’ll be able to say ‘The day I met my husband, I was dressed as a sexy lady pirate!’ and that’ll make a great story.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

There are grades of how spicy erotic books are. Who’s going for a 2 out of 5? Who wants mild arousal that doesn’t interfere with everyday tasks? Oh, right, homeworkers.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Twist the knife, rub some salt in the wound, and there you have it, a delicious filleted sea bass.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Do Alan Sugar’s kids call him Sugar Daddy?

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

When a man can’t conduct an emergency tracheotomy on a pensioner taking the bus using a Capri Sun straw and brute strength, you have to question what is this country is coming to.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

It’s coming home, It’s coming home, the killer clown in the Stephen King novel It is returning to Derry after a 27 year-absence.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

If you hold the monkey’s paw and make a wish, it doesn’t matter what it is, they still kick you out of the zoo.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Sabrina Carpenter is appearing as Marina in a big-budget movie of Stingray. Not really, but got you hard!

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Your pet conspiracy theory is that David Icke is the only actual lizard man. He doth protest a little too much.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Absurd that Jesus shows up in an omelette. He should show up on the news and then more people would see him.

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