The Archbishop of Canterbury on… who would not want a Madonna concert with their football?

17th July 2026

WAKING up with a hangover so dreadful I throw up a kidney which I then have to dive after and swallow back down, I gently sip several gallons of water and allow my delicate system to settle.

But just a few minutes later there is a tap at my door. My outgoing personal assistant enters in order to introduce me to his replacement.

‘Archbishop, may I introduce to you Mr Keir Starmer, who will be taking up my post?’

I utter an unprintable expletive under my breath. The fellow sticks out a paw, which I am obliged to shake. I address the little man.

‘So, I thought you might have some job lined up in the City, or as a consultant to the arms trade?’

‘I’ve tried all of those,’ says Starmer. ‘But they turned me down, on the grounds of serial failure and incompetence.’

‘Extraordinary. Well, we’ll have to see how you shape up. Your first job is to transfer this completed paperwork to the “out” tray on my desk.’

‘Very well,’ says Starmer. However, he then leaves the room only to return with two enormous Union Jacks and poles, which he erects to either side of him.

‘What the fuck are you doing?’ I ask him.

‘I am unashamed to demonstrate my patriotism as I deliver,’ he says.

‘Well, are you going to deliver? Do the fucking job you were asked to do?’

‘Er – I’ve forgotten what that was,’ he burbles.

Dismissing him with a kick up the arse, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that incoming PM Andy Burnham has appointed Shabana Mahmood, rather than Ed Miliband, as chancellor, in a move said to have left the City ‘relieved’.

Fuck my dead cat! Well, thank Christ the City are relieved, because God forbid a fucking Labour government should do anything whatsoever to affect the interests of capital and big finance! I don’t know why we bother with elections when all that matters is constantly appeasing the fucking City, people whose job description is not caring about anything except fucking money! I’ve got a feeling that for all his fucking Britpop-washing, Burnham is gonna be fucking shit, isn’t he? For the record, ‘I support Everton’ isn’t a fucking adequate substitute for ‘growing a fucking spine’!

FIFA head Gianni Infantino has announced that half-time of the World Cup final will be extended to 25 minutes, with artists like Madonna, Shakira and BTS performing, along with a rendition of the American national anthem.

Fuck you, you billiard-ball-headed, venal, shitty, fascist’s cock-sucking little cunt! Half-time is about a plate of fucking oranges and a piss break, not a cavalcade of fucking megapop no football fan is in the fucking mood for! Unless they’ve picked a fucking weird time to explore K-pop! You are hellbent on fucking destroying football and I hope your personal hell consists of being booed, barracked and pelted by millions of dead fucking football supporters till the end of fucking time! With Justin Bieber on a permanent loop!

After Ann Widdecombe’s murder the police have urged people not to add to speculation about the motive or circumstances. Her family have likewise asked for her death not to be politicised.

Yeah, not that that stopped Farage and his fucking army of performative far-right ghouls and mercenaries in the far-right fucking media, did it? They were on the fucking scene like a bunch of fucking vultures onto a fucking carcass, blithely speculating like fuck! And pretty blatantly hoping the suspect was some sort of left-winger, trans person or not white. That last one’s not panned out as the suspect is very much caucasian. They must be shedding more tears over that than Widdecombe!

Finally, England crashed out of the World Cup following their defeat by Argentina, losing by two goals to one.

You know what? Argentina’s bunch of racist-song-chanting shithousers can fucking do one and I hope they get their arses kicked to kingdom come in the fucking final, but fucking Harry Kane burbling on obliviously about playing golf with the rapist and racist Donald Trump didn’t exactly make the England team any more fucking loveable! And thanks for making up for it by having zero touches in the opposition box, you lumbering knob! And why the fuck did you accept Wonderwall as the unofficial anthem? I would rather listen to the actual fucking national anthem than that!

To keep Nigel secure? Let him command the 3rd Division of the British Army

16th July 2026

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist unable to understand why we’re not tarring and feathering Starmer

‘WE offered him security,’ Labour bleated. A bodyguard? A car? Pathetic. Do they not realise that, through not fault of his own, Nigel is the most loathed man in Britain?

He receives 300 death threats per minute, or 1,500 per fag smoked. Unable to appear in public since 2014, three lookalikes killed by Iranian assassins, living in a GB News bunker. And you offer him a car?

The five million pounds donated for his security is long gone. MIM-104 Patriot missiles aren’t cheap. He’s still around because he shrugs off attempts on his life as suavely as Roger Moore’s Bond and is as attractive to women. But it’s not sustainable.

If Britain is to take threats to Farage, and by extension the subsidiary Reform members, seriously? He needs his own Army division. I recommend the 3rd.

They fought at Waterloo, the Somme, and on Sword Beach on D-Day. With credentials like that they’re patriotic enough for Nigel, though he might have follow-up questions if they’re to keep their citizenship.

With 10,000 men, armoured units in Challenger tanks and three attack regiments in helicopters, he’ll have the firepower to fight off attacks from the BBC, the Guardian and James O’Brien of LBC. But he must be in total command.

As Hegseth has discovered, you can’t trust generals. Some of them are black, others have beards, and low testosterone is endemic. Anyway, Nigel is a military genius. You should hear him in full flow about how he’d have led the Third Reich to victory at Kursk!

So top of your to-do list, Burnham, above even ‘resign in disgrace’: ‘Award Nigel Farage the Iron Division as his personal security’. He promises he won’t hold a coup. He will, but you don’t know that.