Society

Even Jesus judgey about advent calendars without chocolate

EVEN Jesus Christ judges people who buy chocolate-free advent calendars, it has been confirmed.

Guardian readers' child made to write socially aware letter to Santa

A CHILD of liberal parents has been coached to write a Santa letter focusing on environmental and social justice issues over presents.

Are you in the queue for the f*cking cashpoint or not?

WE'VE seen you many times. A*sing about vaguely on the pavement near a cashpoint machine, all of a sudden wondering why people are glowering at you.

Selfish a*sehole has December birthday

A MAN born in December has been labelled a “selfish a*sehole” by friends, who are forced to celebrate his birthday at the busiest time of year.

Are you an illiterate twat?

ACCORDING to Stanley Johnson, most Britons lack the literacy to spell ‘Pinocchio’. Do you mangle the English language and earn the prime minister’s dad’s contempt?

Dad putting toddler to bed wakes up three days later

A DAD putting his toddler to sleep then fell unconscious with a book on his lap for 72 hours, he has admitted.

More rail strikes under Labour, Johnson warns commuters selling sex to buy tickets

BORIS Johnson has warned commuters who have to turn tricks to pay for their tickets that there will be more strikes under Labour.

Father raising son to be a massive twat

A 42-YEAR-OLD man is raising his son to become a proper twat.

Only grandma does anything when grandparents babysit

CHILDREN have confirmed that when Granny and Grandad come over to babysit only Granny actually does any work.

87 per cent of English people think Scotland is mythical

THE majority of English people think Scotland is a make-believe land of snow and monsters, it has emerged.

Barber bewildered after man not happy with the back of his head

A BARBER was thrown into confusion after a customer indicated they were unhappy with the back of their hair.

Woman hounded out of Waitrose for bringing Asda bag

A WOMAN has been thrown out of Waitrose by staff and other customers for attempting to use a 'bag for life' from Asda.