Society

A COUPLE of top-tier tools have f**ked up royally by giving birth to a baby on Christmas Day, of all the f**king days.

DEAR all, where to begin? Another super busy year has flown by, and like all meaningful years it was defined primarily by interactions with the criminal justice system.

OUR Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ has told friends he is not really feeling his birthday this year and is probably just going to stay in.

LONDONERS have confirmed the bloody lights and Christmas markets are bad enough, but the soot-covered chimney sweeps performing upbeat musical numbers are worse.

BANKS have confirmed that repeatedly tapping the wrong bit of the contactless card reader before angrily entering your PIN will not change.

A PET dog has admitted the annual period where he is forced to wear antlers to be a miniature canine reindeer haunts him for the rest of the year.

TO begin with, I should have been Joseph. But my father’s endowment is apparently less deserving than Barnaby Haversham-Finch’s grandfather donating the full cost of the new stables.

COUNCIL enforcement officers have fined a man £250 for ‘openly and wantonly’ shedding skin cells in a lay-by.

A WOMAN is confident that every failure or shortcoming in her existence is ultimately the fault of men.