Teachers are the real bastards, says government

BRITAIN’S biggest problem is not coronavirus or Brexit but the bastards who educate small children, the government has confirmed.

A-level student can't wait to find out what his teacher guessed his grades were

AN A-LEVEL student has admitted he is on tenterhooks to find out what his teachers took a wild guess at his results being.

'Who here likes wasps?' asks wasp

A WASP has entered a living room in the confident expectation that everyone there will be really pleased to see it.

Man finds going to pub too pleasant now

A MAN is disappointed by the post-lockdown pub experience as it appears to involve nothing more than having a quiet drink with friends at a table.

Welsh village can't pronounce own name either

THE inhabitants of a village in the Welsh valleys have admitted they do not know how to say its name any better than you do.

Woman whose work emails full of exclamation marks as dreadful as you'd expect

A WOMAN who liberally peppers her work emails with exclamation marks is just as powerfully irritating in real life, colleagues.

Four selfish, hurtful cats that won't let you pet them

THESE cats live on your street and aren’t busy, so it’s an absolute joke that they’re not into you giving them a little scratch. Ranked in order of selfishness.

'Run schools from pubs?' suggest teachers

TEACHERS have announced that they would be willing to relocate schools to pubs as a compromise to keep both open.

Five annoying favours you should have said 'F**k, no' to

AGREED to do someone a favour and now deeply regretting it? Here are some little helping hands you'll hate every minute of.

Eight reasons why the Argos catalogue was better than Amazon

THE end of the Argos catalogue is the end of an era for Britain. Here’s why buying the same crap from Amazon will never feel as good.

White van man takes neutral stance on woman's arse

A WHITE van driver has no strong feelings towards the arse of a nearby woman, thinking it neither good, bad or worthy of comment.

Stop being friendly to each other you weird bastards, South orders North

THE South has ordered the North to stop being all weird and friendly and in and out of each other's houses, supposedly because of coronavirus.