10 things you say that you absolutely do not f**king mean

LIES are the glue that holds society together, and sometimes you’re forced to be not 100 per cent totally sincere. Like every time you use these phrases.

How out of touch are you on a scale of '0' to 'an MP who says meals cost 30p'?

WORRIED you’re losing touch with real life? Take our quiz and find out if you’re quite grounded or talking shite like Tory MP Lee Anderson. Award yourself points as instructed.

Five people you're going to give a piece of your mind to but never do

BEEN let down? Messed about? Want to give someone an almighty bollocking? Here are five culprits you’re almost brave enough to have a go at.

Public worried about the health of their Jubilee bank holidays

FOLLOWING the Queen’s failure to deliver her annual address to parliament, Britain is concerned for its Jubilee bank holidays.

Your top five character flaws, ranked!

EVER wondered which of your deficiencies as a person really seals the deal?

Crop circles, and other things aliens don't do

INTELLIGENT life may exist elsewhere in the universe. It may even have visited Earth. But it definitely did not do any of this bullshit.

Discovering there wasn't any sex on TV even after the watershed: disappointments kids today will never know

WERE you saddened to discover that telly wasn’t all soft porn after 9pm? You were probably gutted by these other childhood revelations too.

Why we must stop pensioners stealing warm air on buses. The Telegraph view

WARM air costs money. It is not there for old people to bask luxuriously in on frivolous all-day bus journeys, with the pathetic excuse that their homes are cold and they might die.

A Victorian workhouse, and all the other crappy school trips you went on

ONCE a term your teachers fancied an easy day so hired a coach and took the class somewhere local and cheap.

Summer romances: things you thought you'd have as a teenager but never did

WERE your teenage years a huge disappointment? These are the things you thought would make them magical which didn't ever happen.