'Wokery' and other terms: Where is your vocabulary on the twatometer?

EXPERTS agree that your use of language says a great deal about whether you are a twat or not. Rate your vocabulary on our entirely scientific ‘twatometer’.

What is Great British Railways and why does it mean fares will go up?

A NEW public body called Great British Railways is to be in charge of doubling fares semi-annually. But how will it work? 

Five time-wasting bastards you'll find in the bank

NEED to quickly pop into the bank to see how overdrawn you are? These time-wasting bastards will turn this simple errand into a drawn-out slog.

How to find out the name of someone whose name you've forgotten

EMBARRASSED that you’ve forgotten someone’s name? Instead of simply asking, why not do something weird and find out that way instead?

Getting your kids into the right school and other things nobody cared about in the 1970s

IN the 1970s certain things were of little concern to the public. Here are some that look a bit weird now.

Five annoying bellends you forgot are always at the cinema

GOING to the cinema? Contain your excitement by remembering these insufferable bellends will also be there.

The essential British objects that prove you have the right to vote

THE Voter ID Bill is nothing compared to these ways of proving you're a UK resident. Take these items to the polling station.

Sorry you've had an ugly baby: five greeting cards society sorely needs

STRUGGLING to find the right words on awkward occasions? These are the cards we desperately need to help us express ourselves.

They’re all 'real fires', wankers told

WANKERS who wank on about having a real fire have been informed that burning gas is not in any way fake.

The schoolkid's guide to twatting about on the way home

ARE you and your mates thrilled to be set free from school every afternoon? Here’s how to piss off innocent people also using the pavement.