Society

THE first person to arrive at any house party is always someone the hosts already regretted inviting, research has shown.

A MILLENNIAL has accepted his age after attempts to talk about drugs with younger colleagues left him sounding like a police officer.

YOU never thought it would happen to you, but it has: you’ve seen a tweet which could be viewed as an incitement to violence. Time to call the police.

TWO men who hail from shit British towns are locked in argument about whose town of origin is the shittest, onlookers have confirmed.

BRITAIN’S much-hyped Summer of Rage was a disappointing let-down worth only two stars out of five, it has been revealed.

EVEN the most unassuming, rational men have a deep-seated hatred of asking for directions. Here is the physical pain they would gladly endure instead.

I STALK the airport, mind keen, senses honed. Watching for the subhuman scum who walk among us, flouting the law with cabin bags larger than 40cm by 30cm by 20cm.

YOU live in Notting Hill and have therefore won, but there’s an annual weekend where people come to your area, dance about and commit light crime. Here’s how to pretend you don’t mind.

THE August bank holiday is world-renowned for its epic traffic jams. How are you seizing the opportunity to savour them?