No penis will ever be as good as a dick straw full of rosé, admits hen party

WOMEN at a hen party have confirmed a real penis cannot compare to a novelty, phallic-shaped straw used to sip rosé.

'Couples that 10k together, stay together' and other things twats will surely be saying soon

PHRASES like 'OK, Boomer' are annoying but increasingly obsolete. Twats have these aggravating little phrases ready to take their place.

Progressive friend doesn't think that’s very funny

YOUR friend with a progressive mindset does not find the edgy joke you are laughing at very funny, actually.

Boomer’s house gains £82.80 in value during single rant about lazy millennials

A MAN’S house gained more than 80 pounds in value while he sat in it moaning about how lazy millennials are.

35-year-old man unsure if he wants kids feeling zero pressure about it

A 35-YEAR-OLD man still to make up his mind about becoming a parent has not been asked about his plans by anyone, ever.

Society has evolved past the need for estate agents, say scientists

HUMANITY no longer needs pushy twats who show you around houses they have never been to before and know nothing about, scientists believe.

Arsehole who's really nice worse than just an arsehole, everyone agrees

ANNOYING but genuinely nice people are far more irritating than those who are simply total dickheads, it has been confirmed.  

Number 36 have a skip out front: your dad's shit local gossip

GIVING your parents the usual cursory weekly phone call? Here's some of the mind-numbingly tedious local gossip your father will fill you in on.

Five innocent everyday scenarios ruined by porn

DO you think every situation will result in you getting laid? You may be watching too much porn. Here are five harmless real world scenarios forever tainted by it.

The Guardian reader's guide to not being annoyed about the rail strikes

THE rail strikes will be hugely inconvenient, but for Guardian readers disagreeing with the principle of industrial action is deeply awkward. Here Carolyn Ryan explains how to be positive about the hassle.