Society

ASYLUM seekers should be grateful to be jetted off to a nice hot country with hotels so lovely they made a film about them. Gammon Wayne Hayes goes through the highlights.

WOMEN at a hen party have confirmed a real penis cannot compare to a novelty, phallic-shaped straw used to sip rosé.

PHRASES like 'OK, Boomer' are annoying but increasingly obsolete. Twats have these aggravating little phrases ready to take their place.

YOUR friend with a progressive mindset does not find the edgy joke you are laughing at very funny, actually.

A MAN’S house gained more than 80 pounds in value while he sat in it moaning about how lazy millennials are.

A 35-YEAR-OLD man still to make up his mind about becoming a parent has not been asked about his plans by anyone, ever.

HUMANITY no longer needs pushy twats who show you around houses they have never been to before and know nothing about, scientists believe.

ANNOYING but genuinely nice people are far more irritating than those who are simply total dickheads, it has been confirmed.  

GIVING your parents the usual cursory weekly phone call? Here's some of the mind-numbingly tedious local gossip your father will fill you in on.

DO you think every situation will result in you getting laid? You may be watching too much porn. Here are five harmless real world scenarios forever tainted by it.