Parents of aspirational son delighted to be yardstick he measures success against

AN upwardly-mobile man’s parents just love providing a contrast between his humble origins and what he has achieved in life.

The Wurzels, You Bet! on the telly or paparazzi upskirters: Which Britain do you want back?

MALCONTENTS often say they want their country back, but the question is: which one? There are plenty of Britains to choose from, if you don’t get bogged down in inconvenient reality.

No seriously, what the f**k’s going on with Kate? asks Britain

A NOW quite worried Britain has requested everyone stop pissing about and explain what actually has happened to the Princess of Wales.

Benefits fine when middle-class parents get them

FINANCIAL handouts are entirely acceptable when middle-class parents earning up to £60,000 receive them, it has emerged.

Colin Firth in a wet shirt: Seven wanks that have been approved by society

COLIN Firth’s shirt from Pride and Prejudice has been auctioned for £25,000, which is a lot for a very predictable wank fantasy. Here are some more that are tediously socially acceptable.

Richard Littlejohn, and other twats who'll be f**ked without diversity courses

JEREMY Hunt has instructed cash-strapped councils to stop spending money on diversity training. But has he considered the effect on people who love criticising them, ie. these twats?

Lowest possible acceptable amount donated to friend's fundraiser

THE smallest possible socially acceptable sum of money has been donated to a friend’s fundraiser, it has emerged.  

Butlin's, and Britain's other true no-go areas

RIGHT-WINGERS say parts of the UK have become ‘no-go areas’ due to immigration, but they’re wrong. Here are the British places you should never set foot in, simply because they are irretrievably dreadful.