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Porn, and six other reasons world fertility rates are declining

WORLD fertility rates are declining across developed countries, and the universal availability of free internet pornography is to blame. Among other reasons: 

Too much content

Just 50 years ago, there was nothing on television during the day or after midnight. Today there are more channels and streaming services than it is possible to watch even while we all desperately second-screen to catch up. Why would anyone bring a child into this world when they haven’t yet seen The Shield? 

Pornography is everywhere

In your house, in your hand, on the bus, there’s porn whenever you want it and it doesn’t cost a penny. That’s going to f**k any society up, especially those billions who still believe in the Christianity we so zealously converted them to. Men are no longer driven to acts of procreative lust just to see a boob.

Children are getting worse

And what’s the reward? Some sassy kid quipping around the house while hogging the PlayStation? Children these days demand hours of extra-curricular bullshit, days out, Squiggle bags and paintballing birthday parties. Once they were so desperate for food they put effort into being likeable. Not any more. Now they just expect it.

Sex is freely available

Following on from the pornography issue, you can also graduate up to the real thing by using the very same smartphone you’re wanking off to. Keep plugging away on the apps and someone will have sex with you, eventually, so where’s the motivation to settle and start a family? You haven’t finished all the women on your phone.

Old people won’t take the hint and leave

There’s a one-in-one-out rule for breeding, and the elderly aren’t keeping up their end of the deal. Instead they linger on in their houses, with their stuff, selfishly living when it’s not helping anyone. Then have the nerve to ask for grandchildren.

Men are dicks

The easy availability of pornography and sex means men are dicks now. They can be; they’ve got everything they ever wanted so have no disincentive to collect the full set of first generation Transformers in-box. That’s a more powerful urge than having children.

There are plenty of people here already

No matter who or where you are, it’s getting crowded. There used to be a boundless world for us all to expand into, but now even shit bits like North Wales are getting pretty full. Is it really such an issue if there are 20 per cent fewer of us in 100 years? If you’re that bothered by the idea, have six kids.

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How to make a kitten on a pizza: Seven pointless things you learned from AI training

SEVEN-and-a-half million Britons will be trained in AI by 2030. Your workplace AI course leads you to question the value of this, because here’s what you learned: 

AI is boring

Into bland, noncommittal text full of buzzphrases like ‘core values’ that only repeats other sources? If so there’s Instagram and ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ signs. This isn’t Orwell’s ‘boot stamping on a human face – forever’. It’s being stuck on a train with a man telling you about his £320 hiking boots who will never, ever tire.

You can make an image of a kitten eating pizza

Or a fox eating an ice cream, or commuters flying to work on a paper plane, or Cthulhu on the cross-trainer. Why? That’s still your problem. AI sounds futuristic and is an opportunity for the private sector to coin it in, so it must happen. Getting Universal Credit will soon require you to, once a day, make a picture of mice on a rollercoaster.

It won’t let you do porn

Pornography is AI’s killer app, obviously. But your training software blocks even ‘sexy’ and ‘underwear’, heedless of your perfectly normal and healthy desire to create a sexy lady badger in a basque. You need to get good at this stuff if Britain’s to keep up its end in the AI porn race.

You are now qualified to read a short précis of a topic

After training in AI you will be able to use it to give you a short summary of any topic, much like Google AI Overview which you see numerous times every f**king day. You will be able to read it with your eyes. So you need training for a world that will be easier?

AI is instantly recognisable as AI

Bad AI images have massive errors like people sprouting from a table. Good AI images are still obviously AI. Thousands of artists are suing AI for being trained on their work, but if anything it’s been trained exclusively on 80s airbrush artists who favoured large-breasted ladies on motorcycles as their subject.

You have learned AI is frequently wrong

Use AI for any length of time and it will tell you ‘the Sopwith Camel is credited with more than 6,000 kills in World War 2’ or that ‘cheese me in the yogurts’ is a popular saying. What a wonderful future this promises when all our knowledge is slightly wrong and Kate Winslet is rightly listed as one of the 705 survivors of the Titanic.

AI video will give you new and interesting nightmares

Two days of AI training and you woke up, wet with sweat, about a woman with cheeseburger hands that morphed into shark’s mouths. Bored of your usual nightmares? AI can give you so many more, especially after five hours on Grok really refining that lady badger in a basque.

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