Society

EVERY arsehole you have the misfortune to speak to now aggressively calls you ‘buddy’, Britain has confirmed.

LONDON is the most dangerous place in the country according to your mother who last visited in 1981 for the Royal Wedding. This is what she thinks happens there.

WAR with Iran is disrupting fuel supplies worldwide, with the RAC urging Britons to drive less. Unfortunately impossible when you have to make critical journeys like these.

A RESIDENT of an irrelevant hamlet was apoplectic you were so ignorant as to mispronounce its name while seizing the opportunity to correct you.

THE death of a boy’s grandmother has provided a timely opportunity to prepare for the loss of his beloved cat.

A WOMAN preparing for a night out has entered the third day of applying and redoing her winged eyeliner.

OUR culture is full of wonderful creations the public once had great affection for who have been overused to the point we now hate them. All these need to piss off.

THE Prince of Wales is watching events within his close family play out while still believing he will become King William V one day.

ANDREW Mountbatten-Windsor is currently bemused to see patches of moisture appearing on his body, it has emerged.

THE Arctic blast sweeping parts of the UK could be hazardous, especially to your wanking. Here’s how to get yourself off safely in icy conditions.