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We ask you: what else should over-70s with poor vision be banned from doing?

NEW measures could see over-70s with poor vision getting banned from driving. What else should they be stripped of?

Stephen Malley, teacher: “Running powerful countries and overseeing the global economy. It’s time for keen-eyed younger generations to f**k them up in their own catastrophic way.”

Wayne Hayes, electrician: “Seducing me. They know they’re irresistibly sexy and they’re taking advantage of it.”

Carolyn Ryan, hospital consultant: “Keyhole surgery. I had a go once and it was really tricky, so I can’t imagine how someone with bad eyesight would cope. Plus they’d probably make a painful joke about Loyd Grossman to ease the tension.”

Helen Archer, veterinary assistant: “Representing us in the Olympics. The hurdle of sporting prowess isn’t enough of a barrier to entry. Nobody wants to see their bodies squeezed into lycra.”

Nathan Muir, beekeeper: “Voting. Not because of their reactionary views, I’m just massively ageist and ableist.”

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Five adjectives to avoid telling the truth about a friend's new boyfriend

STRUGGLING to diplomatically describe the latest arsehole your friend is dating? Bend the truth linguistically with these adjectives.

Interesting

A time-honoured way of describing boring things like a collection of old stamps or an acquaintance’s dull job, ‘interesting’ can also be applied to that dickhead who has somehow snared your pal. His views on vaccines? His peculiar way of speaking about women? His haircut? All of these elements of his personality are all extremely… interesting.

Confident

Talking over everyone else and refusing to back down when his terrible views are refuted is actually a sign of confidence – if you’re trying to be kind for the sake of your friendship. Good for him for pushing past the feelings of embarrassment that plague every sane person, in fact you’re jealous that you don’t have a disgusting lack of self-awareness too.

Creative

This word can excuse even the shittest of boyfriends. Perhaps it’s a sign of artistic genius that he uses cardboard boxes instead of a bed frame, and maybe the mess he refuses to clean up in the kitchen is an installation that will only truly be appreciated after he’s dead. To an unbiased third-party observer, his meandering gaslighting messages could even be considered a prizeworthy work of modern fiction.

Unusual

Best deployed after a long and thoughtful pause, unusual is the perfect way to describe someone whose exact level of unpleasantness you haven’t quite identified yet. To your friend, unusual means quirky and fun, but to you it means someone who operates so far beyond the parameters of social etiquette you suspect they may be an alien in disguise. Although an extraterrestrial would likely be more intelligent.

An acquired taste

A term usually used to describe disgusting foods you reluctantly develop a tolerance for, like black olives and anchovies. Given that you only plan to hang out with your friend’s awful man twice a year maximum, there’s little chance you’ll ever warm to his unlikeable face and personality, but it’s a lie anyway. This risks your friend saying ‘You should hang out more!’ but this isn’t an option unless she wants to be sadly bereaved so early in their relationship.

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