WE’RE not experiencing an ‘amber alert’, it’s an ‘enhanced hot weather response’. Here’s how to make the rest of your mundane life more exciting with quasi-military jargon.
‘Target on the move’
A bit of surveillance jargon adds a tense thriller vibe to watching a lasagne go round in the microwave. Although you suspect it may be easier to apprehend than Jason Bourne.
‘Child lockdown initiated’
Or as it is better known, ‘bedtime’. Add to the drama with ‘Glass of water. CHECK’, ‘Caterpillar nightlight. CHECK’ and ‘Bedtime story. CHECK’. Sadly their room doesn’t have a 30-inch-thick nuclear blast door to stop the little bastards coming back downstairs.
‘Hull temperature critical’
Far more gripping than handing over a mug of tea to a guest and saying, ‘Watch out, that’s hot.’
‘Switching to satellite imaging’
Actually you’re looking something up on Google Maps. But with dramatic terminology your partner wondering if there’s a Boots nearby where she can get some factor 50 becomes an unputdownable Tom Clancy tech thriller.
‘Give me 12 mils of Germolene, stat!’
Children’s minor injuries are unspeakably tedious, so increase interest levels with some classic ER jargon. You’d quite like a go at ‘cardio resus’ too but that seems excessive and maybe a bit dangerous for a graze.
‘Terminate wasp with extreme prejudice’
Much as Kurtz crossed a moral line with his brutal militia in Apocalypse Now, so too has that wasp in the living room really got on your tits. You’re not waiting for him to fly out of an open window anymore, it’s tissue time. The horror, the horror.
‘I have a clear shot at the bin, repeat, I have a clear shot at the bin!’
Pretending to be a US Navy SEAL sniper in the office makes throwing a scrumpled up bit of paper into the bin more of an event. Be sure to factor in wind drift.
‘We have a code red’
In an everyday situation such as a car journey, this can only mean one thing: you urgently need a shit. With justifiable panic in your eyes, inform your family that if you can’t find a toilet soon there is a very real risk of ‘a biohazard breaching the containment facility’.
‘We may be looking at a total Lurpak extermination event’
You are not overreacting to the tub being completely empty. It’s a pain in the arse going to Spar for just that one thing.
‘I did not sign up for this shit!’
A phrase beloved of military personnel in films. And technically when you got married, you did not explicitly agree to a day trip to Peppa Pig World.
‘Child’s drink down! We have a child’s drink down!’
Okay, your kid spilling their drink isn’t exactly on a par with a member of your SWAT team slumped on the ground bleeding out from a chest wound, but Ribena on a light beige carpet is pretty serious.
