Society

MINISTERS were yesterday forced to withdraw a new report which showed crime falling across the country, after realising it was Danish.

A FIREFIGHTER sacked for being overweight is a key member of the team and makes an outstanding firedoor, his colleagues said last night.

GORDON Brown is to tackle violent crime by identifying the country's worst families and forcing them to live on the streets.

YOUNG people who carry knives are to be sent on a series of educational outings, taking in hospitals, Madame Tussauds and a spoon factory.

LIVERPOOL yesterday marked the anniversary of the last full day the Beatles spent in the city before buying huge houses in Surrey. 

A TEENAGE girl who claimed she found a bat in her 34FF bra is actually having an affair with the flying mammal, friends revealed last night. 

A THREE year-old boy last night revealed how a gang of extreme right wing toddlers ruined his birthday party with violence and racial taunts.

PRIMARY school children as young as five are to study the works of Shakespeare as part of a government initiative to teach them hundreds of 17th century slang words for penis. 

FEMALE clerics have vowed to fill England's great churches with stupid little knick-knacks and bowls of pot pourri as soon as they become bishops.

CHURCHES should be given the right to remove noisy little shits the very second they open their mouths, campaigners said last night.