Teenagers 'Did Not Want To Blow-Up School'

TWO pupils at a Manchester school have not been planning to blow it up, a court heard yesterday.

Friends Stephen Malley and Nathan Muir, both 16, are accused of enjoying their lessons, having a wide circle of friends and at no time fostering a burning and inexplicable desire to destroy all mankind.

The pair allegedly plotted to stage a school production of Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew set to the music of Katy Perry. The boys' English teacher, Bill McKay, described the project as 'interesting, imaginative and utterly terrifying'.

Prosecuting counsel Julian Cook said the pupils were 'so warped by decency, naivety and fresh-faced humanity as to be unrecognisable by modern standards'.

He added: "Most of us remember school as a time of confusion, fear and permanently wedged undercrackers.

"It may sicken you to hear this, but these boys never once ducked out after registration to kill rats in an underpass while skulling Polish supermarket vodka."

Defence counsel Roy Hobbs dismissed photographs of the boys helping out at a local nursing home as 'prejudicial' and said he would present footage of them listening to awful whiney pop-metal and cutting each other with sharpened crucifixes.

Local skank and mother of six, Nikki Hollis, told the court: "I blame their parents for still being together."

Ms Hollis said her daughters used to be friends with the boys until they refused to impregnate them from behind under the flickering neon light of the local 24-hour garage.

The case continues.

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Fewer Doctors Needed To Treat More Patients, Claims Report

THE fewer NHS doctors and nurses you have the more patients you can treat, according to a government commissioned report.

Management consultants McKinsey have proposed a massive reduction in NHS clinical staff in a bid to drive down the length of time people are waiting to be treated by them.

The report added: "The quickest and most efficient way to reduce a waiting list is to dismantle the very thing that people are waiting for.

"Imagine if you were queuing outside a cake shop and an RAF Tornado came along and demolished it with a laser-guided missile. You would soon ask yourself, 'what am I actually queuing for?' and very quickly you would find that the queue has simply disappeared."

Matthew Elliott, director of the TaxPayers Alliance backed the report, adding: "The NHS could easily be run by four or five janitors, each armed with an All Creatures Great and Small DVD.

"I know it's vets but All Creatures Great and Small is much cheaper than the Grey's Anatomy box set, and anyway, it's all the same pipes."

Meanwhile the BMA stressed that any move to cut costs by shaving so much as a penny off doctors' average pay of £110,000 a year would be met with a 'Harold Shipman-like' response.

A spokesman said: "We'll inject all of you and then if the cops get suspicious we'll stage a fake flu-jab session at every police station and inject all of them too. We fucking dare you."

Tom Logan, professor of medical politics at Reading University, added: "Of course there is always the merest outside chance of a vague possibility that the government commissioned this report just so it could then reject it."