WAKING with a hangover the size of Yorkshire, but mercifully not causing me to adopt a tiresome ‘bluff’ persona, I reflect on another tumultuous week in matters ecclesiastical. 

After a few libations with the Bishop of York we thought it would be fun to break into a nearby RAF base in the dead of night with tins of yellow paint and daub thought-provoking slogans on the aircraft, such as: ‘MAYBE STOP DOING FUCKING GENOCIDE?’ We were caught in the act, spent the night in the cells and in the morning I readily paid an on-the-spot fine.

That, albeit with a spot of publicity, was that, I assumed. However, later that day I learned that due to our intrusion home secretary Yvette Cooper had announced plans to list the Church of England as a proscribed terrorist organisation.

The only marked effect this has had on church attendances is to treble them up and down the country. There is word of a climbdown from the Home Office, but for now it seems a great many of us peaceable sorts are terrorists. 

Reflecting on my new status, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that culture secretary Lisa Nandy, speaking to the BBC, said of Kneecap’s Glastonbury appearance this weekend: ‘Personally I don’t want to see that on TV screens.’

Fuck me at right angles, 377,000 Palestinians unaccounted for, shot or starved to death and you’re angry about fucking Kneecap? Tell you what, everyone will be fucking well watching them now, with a hilariously uncomfortable, pompous fucking liar like you saying we shouldn’t! One of my predecessors, I won’t name names, had a side hustle taking backhanders from publishers to denounce their latest books from the pulpit as salacious and immoral! Worked every fucking time! But you didn’t have the sense to take a fucking backhander from Kneecap did you, you gormless fuck?

Donald Trump has spoken triumphantly of the US bombing campaign against Iran, claiming to have ‘obliterated’ its nuclear sites and comparing it to Hiroshima.

Sure, Bone Spurs, your personal fleet of hard-ons by proxy managed to kill a few hundred poor innocent sods, but as for the nuclear facilities, you may as well have dropped fucking water balloons on them! They weren’t about to build a bomb, which your own fucking intelligence told you, but somehow I get the feeling they will now, you silly cunt!

The FIFA Club World Cup continues apace, with group stage fixtures having included Juventus vs Manchester City, Wydad AC vs Al Ain, Urawa Red Diamonds vs Monterrey and Mamelodi Sundowns vs Fluminense.

We don’t fucking care! Do you fucking understand? No cunt is interested! We’d rather eat handfuls of desert sand than invest one second of fucking curiosity in your jumped-up, self-glorifying tournament imposed on a bored world by a junta of criminals who ought to be sitting in some weird footballing equivalent of The fucking Hague!

Finally, Laura Ingraham of Fox News has expressed her horror at the success of Zohran Mamdani, now in a position to be elected mayor of New York. ‘This guy makes Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez look like a moderate,’ she said. ‘He wants government-run grocery stores, plans to make public buses free. Pledging to freeze rent prices and wants to borrow $70 billion for more affordable housing.’

Does he now? Well, good. Seriously, this is your idea of a fucking scare story? Ordinary people being able to afford to live somewhere, subsidised public transport rather than polluting automobiles stinking up the freeways, decent food regulation? You might be making a decent living out of the hellscape that is modern America led by a geriatric fucking fiend, but the country is getting utterly fucked off with rip-off private healthcare, nothing fucking working and being led by a thick-as-shit national humiliation! Hence the fucking landslide! Does that make it less baffling, you screeching blonde fascism foghorn?