EMPLOYERS will have to advertise jobs to idle British morons for at least a month before they can be offered overseas, it was confirmed last night.
Ministers say extending the time limit by two weeks will finally convince the indigenous unemployed to stop watching Jeremy Kyle while pushing cheese-filled meat into the largest of the holes at the front of their heads.
Home secretary Alan Johnson said: "Employers will have to pitch job adverts at an eight year-old reading standard. Preferably with pictures showing what the work is – a stick man picking beetroot, for example."
Job centres will entice the unemployed into the building with a trail of pop tarts and WKD miniatures from betting shops and Wetherspoons.
Once inside, the doors will be locked until they have promised to at least consider sitting in a warehouse for 35 hours a week making racist jokes and hating women.
Meanwhile new figures show that economic migrants from central and eastern Europe are returning home en masse after agreeing that the UK is an awful place to live.
Pietr Nowak, a Polish joiner who has been working in Doncaster for two years, said: "I no understand why you all live here? It very bad.
"You come Poland, work for my Uncle Lech, sleep in attic, eat soup. Is much better than Doncastings, yes?"
