Job Ads To Encourage Lazy British Imbeciles

EMPLOYERS will have to advertise jobs to idle British morons for at least a month before they can be offered overseas, it was confirmed last night.

Ministers say extending the time limit by two weeks will finally convince the indigenous unemployed to stop watching Jeremy Kyle while pushing cheese-filled meat into the largest of the holes at the front of their heads.

Home secretary Alan Johnson said: "Employers will have to pitch job adverts at an eight year-old reading standard. Preferably with pictures showing what the work is – a stick man picking beetroot, for example."

Job centres will entice the unemployed into the building with a trail of pop tarts and WKD miniatures from betting shops and Wetherspoons.

Once inside, the doors will be locked until they have promised to at least consider sitting in a warehouse for 35 hours a week making racist jokes and hating women.

Meanwhile new figures show that economic migrants from central and eastern Europe are returning home en masse after agreeing that the UK is an awful place to live.

Pietr Nowak, a Polish joiner who has been working in Doncaster for two years, said: "I no understand why you all live here? It very bad.

"You come Poland, work for my Uncle Lech, sleep in attic, eat soup. Is much better than Doncastings, yes?"

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UK Motorists Forced To Drive Straight Down The Middle Of The Road

EUROPEAN regulations could force British motorists to drive straight down the middle of the road while honking their horns continually, it was claimed last night.

According to Brussels bureaucrats Britain has remained stubbornly resistant to the complete disregard for road markings which is prevalent across much of the Continent.

A spokesman for the European Transport Safety Council said: "Despite a recent increase in mentalness Britain's drivers are still years behind their Italian and French counterparts who know that the safest way to drive is to stay as far away from the edges as possible."

The ETSC's road safety research has concluded that UK-style 'one sided' driving is futile and ignorant because everyone's fate is predetermined by God, or an equivalent super-being, who has already written the date of your death in his giant book which can never be altered.

The spokesman added: "Therefore there is no additional risk of mortality from driving a rusty Renault 4 with no brakes down the centre of a winding mountain road at midnight with no headlights and a rabid goat in the passenger seat who keeps fiddling with the radio."

According to a recent survey of Continental drivers, 83% believed that the white stripes are there to help you position your car in the exact centre of the road, while the remaining 17% assumed that some paint had been slowly dripping off the back of a tractor.

Meanwhile 72% said that traffic lights were the lost relics of an ancient Mediterranean civilisation, while 28% believe they are something to do with weather forecasting.

Carlo Spinetti, from Genoa, said: "Red light mean it going to rain so I must get home without the stopping."